Hmmm, ladies, should I just forget about my best friend because she and my man clash

[pregnantkitty_1985]

...or no?

 

We got into a fight about two weeks ago, we were all drunk and she got angry because I decided to go to the store with my man. When we got back, I started yelling at her, which she reciprocated. I ended up attacking her (I know, I know, it was horribly wrong, but I was drunk..) and we got into a physical fight.

 

I know my man is ecstastic because he's never liked her, and has been subtly saying bad things about her to make me think negatively of her, for months now. It's kind of obvious he's been wishing her and I weren't friends. And now that we're not, he's happy because he has me all to himself. He's a bit controlling and possessive.

 

The thing is, I'm still pretty angry at my friend. Some pretty nasty stuff was said. But, she sent me a message on messenger the other day about seeing my ex (who was completely horrible to me), and how he tried to say hey, but she laughed at him and walked away. She said she knows we're not cool but she just wanted to tell me.

 

I know that's because A) she misses me, and B), she still, in her own way, considers me a friend, or is at least still loyal towards me. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have acted towards him like that and rushed to tell me DESPITE the fact that we're no longer friends.

 

Perhaps that was an icebreaker on her part, to see my reaction and see if I was still really angry with her?

 

I know if I call her and make nice with her again, my man will be mad. He'll start trying to dissuade me from doing so, and will also think that I punked out first. I want her to be the one to reach out to me, if she wants to be friends again.

 

At the same time, I feel a bit bad about the things I said and did and don't want to give up years and years of friendship over one drunken night.

 

I just don't want to hear about it. He's going to keep making comments and trying to make me feel bad about being friends with her again, if I ever do become friends with her again.

 

What is everyone's advice on what I should do?

[rocio]

Yes, give up your friend, who probably has your best interests in mind and would be there for you when your bf stomped all over your heart, just because some controlling guy wants you to. That sounds like a great way to handle your relationships.

 

Okay, sarcasm aside. If this guy ever tries to insult your friend, you stick up for her and make it clear to him that it's not acceptable. Tell him that you don't need his approval to be friends with someone and that he needs to mind his own business. Go to your friend and apologize for whatever part that you own in the fight you had. Convince her that you are not spineless enough to ditch your friend just cuz some guy doesn't like her.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Yes, give up your friend, who probably has your best interests in mind and would be there for you when your bf stomped all over your heart, just because some controlling guy wants you to. That sounds like a great way to handle your relationships.

 

You're right. And she was there the last time I was screwed over by a man, and she's also stuck by my side through all the drama and problems I've been having with the current guy I am with. It's more about the fight though, that makes me consider giving her up, not really the fact that he doesn't like her. I just don't wanna hear it from him though.

 

Okay, sarcasm aside. If this guy ever tries to insult your friend, you stick up for her and make it clear to him that it's not acceptable. Tell him that you don't need his approval to be friends with someone and that he needs to mind his own business. Go to your friend and apologize for whatever part that you own in the fight you had. Convince her that you are not spineless enough to ditch your friend just cuz some guy doesn't like her.

 

Sounds like a plan.

[Hope75]

I'm a little concerned that you said this about your guy:

I know my man is ecstastic because he's never liked her, and has been subtly saying bad things about her to make me think negatively of her, for months now. It's kind of obvious he's been wishing her and I weren't friends. And now that we're not, he's happy because he has me all to himself. He's a bit controlling and possessive.

 

It sounds to me as though this is more of a problem than your fight with your friend.

 

Your guy wants you to drop your best friend, and he is controlling and possessive. Do you think that is healthy? It's a big red flag to me.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I'm a little concerned that you said this about your guy:

 

 

It sounds to me as though this is more of a problem than your fight with your friend.

 

Your guy wants you to drop your best friend, and he is controlling and possessive. Do you think that is healthy? It's a big red flag to me.

 

Well when we were friends he never actually said drop her, and sometimes would invite her along with us, but a lot of times he'd get angry if I wanted to go somewhere with her to talk, in private, or if I invited her to come along with us on friday and saturday night outings.

[itsallgrand]

There is a knack and a learned talent to balancing friends and a relationship. It isn't always easy keeping everyone happy all the time.

 

'Course it isn't worth losing your friendship over one fight! She clearly cares about you. Friends are worth a lot in this world.

 

In my first serious relationship I found it helpful to separate some of my friends-time, and the bf. I didn't enjoy certain of his friends company, and he didn't enjoy hanging with certain of my friends. So sometimes we reserved nights where it was purely friends-time. And made sure to get in our time as well, alone and with mutual enjoyable company.

 

Don't get caught up in the power struggle, you need to be firm and let each of them know where you stand.

 

You may be dealing with two people who don't even dislike each other really, only feel they are competing for your attention. (that doesn't mean they need to hang out together! lol).

 

good luck.

[Beec]

Good post.

 

Do not give up all of your independence to anyone. Do not give up a friend because your bf does not like her, give her up when she is not worth haivng as a friend.

 

It sounds to me like you both need to get a little control over your outbursts.

[Jayar]

Friends first. That's all I have to say. In fact, if anything, drop the guy. Not necessarily because of this but because the first thing a future abuser does is take you away from everyone else in your life; friends, family, even co-workers in a lot of cases. They isolate you then damage you. This could be stage one and I hate to say it but YOU won't see it... Your friend will, though. In abuse cases the victims often site examples of how their BF pitted them against their friends then their friends tried to get the victim to see what was going on... At which point she dumped them all for the abuser and the rest becomes history.

[Momene]

I wouldn't dump either of them but it's clear that they don't mix. Not everyone gets on with everybody else. If he's possessive, that's not bad in itself as long as you are the same and neither of you are obsessive.

 

The controlling bit is a huge red flag, though.

[confused25]

How come your bf doesn't like your friend?

 

If I were you I'd just be the bigger person and call your friend up to make peace. It does seem like she misses you and is testing the water to see if you're still mad at her.

 

And also next time when your bf talks trash about your friend in front you, you need to defend your friend. You would want her to do the same thing for you wouldn't you? He has no right to tell you who not to hang out with unless he has a valid reason.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd be very wary of any guy who subtley tried to turn me away from any friend of mine.

 

It sounds obvious/too simplistic, but I think the solution is simply to keep them apart as much as possible..and to let BOTH of them know that you won't take any rubbish off either of them about the other.

[ImThatGirl]

Your girlfriend will always be there for you. He may not.

[rmpavlock]

If you are going to dump anybody, dump him. He's trying to keep you all to himself and that is completely wrong. You deserve to have your friends. How would he like it if you were constantly putting down his friends?

[Momene]

There may well be a simpler explanation to all of this: they may simply just not like each other. Things like this happen.

[TheRedQueen]

The answer is no, no, no, no!!!

 

I lost two of my so-called "best friends" because of this.

 

Awful, leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

 

P.S. Neither of them are with their respective "soul mates" anymore.