What happened?

[butterfly6233]

My boyfriend and I have been together 1.5 years. We get along famously for the most part, but I get insecure when he pulls away from me. He started out by not calling when he said he would or dropping off the face of the planet when I started to feel close.

 

He is 9 years older than me, and I just graduated from college. He is very settled in the town that I met him, and I agreed to stay to be with him. I felt like he was not totally committed to me or the relationship in the same way I was committed to him. All along our relationship, he has very rarely initiated anything, but this is the way that he is with everyone. I learned to accept it as a part of him. Later in the relationship though, when I started making sacrifices to be with him... I started to feel really scared. He never talks about our future together and gets very uncomfortable when I broach the subject. I am not ready to get married, but I want to be with a man who makes me feel wanted. I asked him if he had ever thought about what it would be like to live with me, and he basically said no. He says he has thought about marriage and what that would be like. He also says that he wants to get married and have kids someday.

 

I even get the feeling that he does not want me to visit him at work. He gets really uncomfortable when I do... and I take it as rejection. He wants me to know that I am loved, but he fears letting his emotions get out of his control. So, I suppose he has always attempted to keep me at an arms length. Its like we have only been dating 6 months sometimes.

 

The problem is, he is one of the most wonderful men I have ever known. He is a beautiful man, inside and out. He knows what his limitations are and seems to be too scared to do anything about it. He says it has to do with past relationships and his family. He has never gotten close to anyone. I am the closest he has ever gotten to another human being. He longest relationship besides the one he had with me was 4 months.

 

Several weeks ago, I got totally emotional and told him not to let me go. That I loved him so much, and that I wanted him to want me like I wanted him... and I told him how unwanted I felt. I felt like he could wake up and be fine without me if I were to vanish. I told him that I did not feel valued, and that I felt so, so hurt. I basically let all of my bottled emotions out. I had to. They had been eating away at me for so long.

 

The next day we talked briefly and decided to talk the following evening. When we finally did talk, he convinced himself that I wanted him to break up with me. He started the process of shutting down. No matter what I told him or options I suggested as to what I thought would make things work... he could not or did not want to hear me. He said that he did not see any other option... that he had tried really hard to open up. We cried and talked for 3 hours. He said he could not be with me right now. I asked for how long? A couple of days, he said. I called him later that night and asked if we were breaking up, and he said... well, i cannot be with you right now - so I guess we are. I sent him a card more than a week ago, and he has not called, written ---- nothing. It is nearing 2 weeks. Is it really over?

 

I wanted him to tell me that he loved me and wanted me more than anything, not that he was too scared... not that he could not be 100% into me.

 

Should I try to talk to him again or just walk away? I cannot bear the thought of walking away, but I am powerless in this situation. Has anyone else been in a situation like this before?

 

It's not that he doesn't love me... we love eachother immensely. Everyone who has ever seen us together comments on how well suited for one another we are, and how much emotion he has in his eyes for me.

 

The pain of waiting to hear from him is unbearable.

[bachinit]

wow Butterfly. First of all, you write so eloquently and lucidly. You have a gift. and I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. But take heart, it's not lost yet for you.

 

You see, I am the same kind of guy. Mr. Non-commital. Don't ask me to explain why that is, or why guys like me are seemingly such jerks sometimes. We really don't mean it. And like me, he sounds like he's at least faithful to the girl that he's with. Trust me when I say that he doesn't mean to be this way. And that he KNOWS that he's being that guy too...and feels badly about it.

 

The best way to handle it for now is to not apply pressure because you've already said your piece. He heard it and knows it. Now it's up to him. What you should do now, is carry on in a more care free manner - for a little while anyway (you'll have to determine how long for yourself). Don't get all carried away on him...you've put this much time in so far and it's paid off, so don't blow it now. He feels the pressure already and he knows that your insecurities are legitimate.

 

You can feel free to pull back a little bit yourself now. Not too much, but a little. You need to let him see that he's not the end-all of your world (even if you feel that he is). It doesn't need to be an act and I'd recommend not going too far with it, but he needs to understand that you won't wait forever for him to come to a firm decision. Because once he does, he'll stick by it. He will have given it a lot of thought. Give hime the time for that thinking.

 

Good luck, hang in there and don't cater to his every whim right now. But stay true to yourself and maybe spend a little more time with family and friends for the time being.

[vesper]

you just have to make a decision darling!!

[itsallgrand]

Oh yeah. You fell in love with a 'cowboy' (not literally, but that sort).

 

What you see is what you get. When things get scary - he goes it alone.

 

Will not change. He will not change.

 

So...can you imagine a life with a man who pulls away every time he gets scared?

 

It is time for you to make a decision. Looks like he has already made his. I'm sorry it wasn't what you wanted to have happen. However, if you look at his behavior over the relationship, it may not be surprising at all like it seems right now.

 

tc

[butterfly6233]

So, I still feel unsettled. I feel like things are not fully resolved in my mind. I feel like he tried to blame me for the break up, and is not wanting to to just tell me he cannot do this. He said stuff like, "I cannot be with you right now" and "I am scared."

 

I really want to talk to him, but I do not want to put myself in an even more awkward position of being rejected once again. It seems to me that it was left that he needed several days to mull things over in his mind... and its been almost 2 weeks. I feel like his behavior is really selfish and very telling.

 

Even still, I feel like I need one last conversation to truly put this to rest. Should I try to talk to him? I already sent him a card, to which he did not reply... but, I know he is trying to bury his emotions. What is a girl to do?

[Scout]

Hi, Butterfly...I got your PM. I cannot say that I feel this is a man you should pursue a relationship with. What's more, I would suggest you do some hard inward thinking to figure out why you want it to work.

 

There are plenty of wonderful men out there who don't have commitment issues.

 

Here is a man who has told you he never was with anyone longer than four months. Since he is apparently over 30, that is a cause for concern and speaks volumes about his capability of connecting deeply in a relationship. He's told you he has never even thought about living with you. He gets uncomfortable when you talk about the future.

 

Now...you say you want a man who wants you. Who makes you feel wanted. Yet, you are setting your cap on a man who can't give this to you.

 

If you really want this from a man....why have you decided to try to pry it out of someone so unwilling to give it to you?

 

Is it really about him as a person? Or is more about feelings of frustrations that you can't get this person to feel the way you want?

 

Think about it. Because if by any chance the latter is playing a part, you might have some commitment issues of your own to work out. If you really want to seek a committed relationship, do not fixate too long on why you can't have one with this man. Instead, seek out others who are in line with your own desires and wants.

[Scout]

It's not that he doesn't love me... we love eachother immensely. Everyone who has ever seen us together comments on how well suited for one another we are, and how much emotion he has in his eyes for me.

 

The pain of waiting to hear from him is unbearable.

 

One more thing...you cannot rely on what other people tell you they see to know you are truly loved. You are going to have to learn to trust those feelings in yourself that felt often throughout this relationship: that feelings were much more on your side than his. It may not be easy to acknowledge those feelings because of the sting they deliver to our pride and ego. But if you persistently pursue someone simply because you want the hurt to go away...because you hope for reassurances from them...you're setting yourself up for an immensely more amount of pain.

 

Not everyone is always going to return our feelings. It doesn't mean we're not valuable as human beings, it does not put a stamp of "inferior" on us. Unless you allow it to.

[Juliana]

I know it is hard, but you need to pay close attention to what is actually going on here, without colouring it with wishful thinking about what you imagine he might feel, or might want. He has told you what he feels -- he is scared. He's shown you what he wants: To be left alone.

 

This is a man with apparently no capacity to support intimate relationships. He doesn't talk about living with you, or marrying you, because although he wants that in his life, he knows he is not able to actually perform the emotionally responsive work required to get it. With you, he has had an opportunity to actually get the things he wants. He has chosen instead to withdraw into his fear. If you pursue him now, you will be doing the emotional work for him.

 

You say you want to feel wanted. You are saying that because you don't feel wanted by this man. His lack of responsiveness has made you aware of needs in yourself, and when you, in a healthy way, bring this up to him, his response is to leave you.

 

There is a personality disorder called Schizoid Personality. You should look into it. I am not going to diagnose anyone, but he could fit right in with all the Schizoid's I've known. They are very high-functioning, most do not feel there is anything wrong with them. They like to have families and marriages, but do not actually participate in either. They generally only enter into treatment when they can't achieve or maintain marriage or family relationships. However, the prognosis for Schizoids is very poor. They tend not to be able to change in any meaningful way.

 

It is unfortunate that he cannot understand that he has an opportunity with you that he may never have again, but that does not change what his decision is, and what yours must thereforeeee be. He is not providing the intimacy and security that you need, and he doesn't want to even try. In a marriage or long-term relationship, that is the kiss of death.

[Scout]

Great post, Juliana! Very well said, and really lays out the plain facts of the situation (although I know nothing about Schizoids - however, I think it's definitely obvious he can't or won't even try, so that's enough to indeed be the kiss of death of any relationship).

 

I know it is hard, but you need to pay close attention to what is actually going on here, without colouring it with wishful thinking about what you imagine he might feel, or might want. He has told you what he feels -- he is scared. He's shown you what he wants: To be left alone.

 

One thing I would point out to Butterfly is not to think he's scared of getting hurt. He's scared of doing the emotional work required to stay in a relationship. He may be scared because he has no clue how to do this. Or, he could just be scared of letting someone "in" because deep down inside, he doesn't like himself who he is inside. And there is no way, Butterfly, you should decide to make it a project to show him how to function in a relationship. You can't. What's more, it's not your job to be a therapist in a relationship.

[butterfly6233]

I think you are both right. In fact, I know you are right. I really cannot rely on anyone else to make me feel totally wanted anyway. I need to do that for myself.

 

I did send him a very long email, outling my feelings of why things ended the way that they did... and stating that I cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone that cannot and does not want to have progression of the relationship or talk of a future. It was more for resolution for me than it was for him, although a small part of me still wants his response.

 

Perhaps it is me that is afraid of being close. Maybe I wanted his approval because I was seeking the attention of man who somehow remsembles my father... who knows? All I know is that I did choose him. I chose to love him...

 

The thing that gets me is that he is telling his friend that the real reason he can no longer be with me is because I said that I miss flirting. I said that I missed feeling validated and wanted. I told him that I needed to feel like he wanted the relationship like I did, and I started to feel guilty because I felt like seeking that outside of the relationship. I did not mean that I wanted or needed to flirt, and I explained that to him. I meant that I needed his verbal affirmation that this relationship was something that he wanted... and he could not do that. He sad, "I don't want my emotions to get out of my control. I feel crazy when they do." His mom is a manic depressive.

 

What gets me is that he is blaming me... saying that I tried and wanted to break things off with him. I wanted to work things out. And, you guys are right again. I CANNOT do the emotional work for him. And, I won't.

 

I guess I need to move on with my life. And I want to - I just do not know to feel emotionally unstuck. My tendency is to blame myself. I tend to take on all of responsibility of things not working out. How do I stop doing this?

[whoops]

you have to try to ignore what they say - my ex says it was because after 4 years and him going away i pushed marriage - i didnt as i didnt want to but i needed to know if i was gonna move with him which he never asked me to he would want to be with me - in essense he wouldnt ever want to not cause of me as he misses me or so he says but he aint ready and cant deal with that - he is full of hot air

 

Anyway back to you - forget and move on what could have been and what he says means nothing only you mean something work on you and that is all that matters

[Scout]

He sad, "I don't want my emotions to get out of my control. I feel crazy when they do."

 

A very telling statement. What's sad, is that people like him think just about any emotion beyond calm placidity is "out of control."

 

Well, these people will always just live on the surface level of relationships until they get brave enough to dive in and explore the realities and inner depths. I can never figure out why so many people are afraid to do this. It's not like you'll go up in a puff of smoke if you have a challenge come up in your relationship!

 

Nevertheless, Butterfly...you know all you need to know. The answers are really right there, and just because they may not be what your "wishful thinking," as Juliana points out, wants, doesn't mean they aren't valid answers all the same.

[butterfly6233]

Nevertheless, Butterfly...you know all you need to know. The answers are really right there, and just because they may not be what your "wishful thinking," as Juliana points out, wants, doesn't mean they aren't valid answers all the same.

 

Yes, I do know. I love that I have wishful thinking. Even though I know what the facts tell me, I still have this eternal optimist belief that love conquers all. If only that were true?!? I suppose it is true if you take "Love will conquer all" to mean that love will always get us through...

 

I feel really grateful to receive your outside perspective. Thank you for helping me to build my strength back and consciously recognize what should be obvious.

 

How do I prevent myself from choosing this type of partner again? I must have bargained for this type of relationship. What is the lesson in all of this?

[Scout]

How do I prevent myself from choosing this type of partner again? I must have bargained for this type of relationship. What is the lesson in all of this?

 

Were there any early signs that unsettled you about him?

 

Also, tell us about a few qualities you need in a partner.

[butterfly6233]

There were not really too many signs that worried me about him. I tend to go for easy going guys that are pretty mellow, as I can be high strung.

 

I suppose he never really stuck his neck out for me emotionally. He always did such nice things for me though, and I felt like it made up for the fact that he did not or could not express himself verbally. But, eventually both his words and his actions were lacking or inconsistent. One day he would show up at my house with a surprise gift, and the next he would not even call me. There were many times where he said he would call me, and either called me really late or just left a text message. It was as if he was trying to back off, trying to stay in control of the situation. He gave me things and was thoughtful in that respect, but he also gave me emotional support. Whenever I communicated my need for him to be there, he was right there by my side. Emotional support is very important to me, but so is its very expression. When you ask someone how they feel, and they cannot or will not tell you --- it feels like the most ultimate rejection. I felt like he purposely held back.

 

I need someone who is expressive and will let me in...I do not want a partner who is overly dependent, but rather appreciates me for who I am and what I can offer them. I feel like I give this tenfold to my partner, and it is the way that I was raised. I need sponteniety, excitement, and the thrill of being adventurous with my partner. You know, he never showed up once to my house unexpected. After a year a half... not once. Why? I could never figure that out. I suppose everyone is different.

 

I guess this whole thing has been a learning experience. You cannot make someone love you the way that you need to be loved. Everyone displays their love in a different way... and some do not have the tools to fully experience it.

[Scout]

Ok, you go for...

 

I tend to go for easy going guys that are pretty mellow, as I can be high strung.

 

But what you need...

 

I need someone who is expressive and will let me in...I do not want a partner who is overly dependent, but rather appreciates me for who I am and what I can offer them. I feel like I give this tenfold to my partner, and it is the way that I was raised. I need sponteniety, excitement, and the thrill of being adventurous with my partner.

 

Do you see some possible conflicts here? Many "mellow" people are in reality, introverts who are more happy letting others to the talking and expressing. And excitement and adventure often aren't their preferences.

 

Let me point something else out...and I'll try to be as gentle as possible...but highstrung, expressive, spontanous people are often, well, a bit self-absorbed. They tend to need more reassurance and attention than others do. Especially laid back, mellow people, who don't feel the same need to have an audience. In fact, the latter group is ok with not being the center of attention. thereforeeee, when they partner with someone in the former group, it's baffling to them that their girlfriend/boyfriend needs so much emotional interaction. It's not that these people aren't capable of emotional interaction, but not everyone is up for constant talking about feelings and giving frequent declarations of love. In fact, introverted people often show how they feel with their actions more than they do with their words.

[butterfly6233]

 

Let me point something else out...and I'll try to be as gentle as possible...but highstrung, expressive, spontanous people are often, well, a bit self-absorbed. They tend to need more reassurance and attention than others do. Especially laid back, mellow people, who don't feel the same need to have an audience. In fact, the latter group is ok with not being the center of attention. thereforeeee, when they partner with someone in the former group, it's baffling to them that their girlfriend/boyfriend needs so much emotional interaction. It's not that these people aren't capable of emotional interaction, but not everyone is up for constant talking about feelings and giving frequent declarations of love. In fact, introverted people often show how they feel with their actions more than they do with their words.

 

Agreed. I do not need to be told I am loved every second. That is not the problem. I need consistiency. I can handle someone who wants to show me how much they love me, but if I ask them how they feel, I would like them to be able to articulate their love for me. Just as anyone would, I would like that person to tell me how much I mean to them. And, if they must show their love through their actions, I would appreciate their actions being consistent as well. What I cannot handle is having it all one second and vanish into thin air the next. It is like an emotional roller coaster when that happens.

 

I have NEVER dated the self-absorbed, all over the place type. I could not handle dealing with that level of insecurity and constant excitement. I need someone to diffuse me a little bit. Aren't their mellow people who aren't afraid to say how they feel? I mean, I think we are stereotyping a little too much here. Maybe what I am looking for is not the norm, but it never has been.

 

I think you are right though... the two do contradict eachother when you put them in there most extreme form.