Is it too late?! I love my ex and realize my mistakes

[mytimewillcome]

Hi there, i posted somewhere else with not much success so im hoping to get advice here before i make more mistakes...

 

so i started dating a guy about 4 yrs ago and we broke up around the 2 yr mark but got back together after a few months... he is 27 and im 26

 

in the last 2 months weve both had alot of stress including switching jobs, going back to school, moving, etc etc... i live on my own and he lives with his parents..(he has an excellent support system in his parents and friends) i havent been able to sleep lately and have been really irritable and on a short temper... hes just completely stressed out with a new job in a high position...

 

anyways... so for the last 2 yrs conversations kept turning into talks of marriage which were driving him nuts.. i stopped bringing them up lately and now he was bringing up the future and even took me ring shopping last month... he told me that he will propose by june 2007 and hopefully we can get married by 2009.. he wanted to finish his mba but compromised since he knew i wanted to get married and he wanted to get married and said we could marry part way through his mba...

 

well i now realize i have had some resentment about marriage or ive somehow managed to become obsessed with the idea of marriage and i always manage to pick a fight at a wedding we go to and low and behond the last wedding we went to was this past saturday...

 

after the wedding ceremony a disagreement blew up into the worst yelling match ever and i know it didnt have to esclate but it did.. he told me 'i never want to see you again, its over, i feel all warm and fuzzy thinking i wont be seeing you, i stopped loving you long time ago, i dont want to marry you, i hate you, you cant force me, if we see each other it will be when we both have kids of our own'... he kicked me out of his car and said he was going to the reception alone

 

well he called me an hour later and told me to get ready for the reception and i asked him why i should go if he never wants to see me again and he said 'you are right, lets stop playing games, ill go alone, goodbye'

 

so that was a week ago and ive called him twice to leave messages that were calm and i said i was here for him if he wanted to talk...and also one email...

 

i have realized alot about myself and that i was trying to be too controlling and impatient with the marriage thing when i should have been more supportive of him wanting to go back to school .. i put too much pressure on the guy... i should have just waited since he already gave me a deadline...

 

i love this guy sooo much but am i to accept what he said at face value that it is over? if we have an argument he will usually call me back a couple days later at the most but this as already been a week....everything he said was pretty good at pushing my buttons,,,

 

im just kicking myself now cause i now realize why i havent been sleeping.. its because im angry with myself for hurting him and hurting myself...i have been alienating myself from friends/family/stuff that makes me happy and focusing too much on marriage, etc... although im crying and not eating im trying to slowly work on issues i have...i started talking to my parents everyday now, i use to not want to go to work but i think its the only thing keeping me going, im exercising and praying alot, ive gotten into contact with alot of friends....

 

im one who would speak before thinking, and react before thinking what my actions would do to affect the other person...i am now thinking before i speak and trying to be more patient and less moody...i know i need to grow up and be more mature

i know its a blessing from God that this happened because its a big wake up call for me to grow and realize things...im trying to tell myself to 'let go and let God'..and that 'if i let him go and he never comes back then he was never mine to love to begin with'... but geeeez is there anytime i can go to save this from ending?

 

any advice would be greatly appreciated... i dont want to loose him or push him away further.. sometimes i feel like i should just walk over to his house and make him talk to me but i respect his parents and dont want to worry them...a few days prior to the fight he was telling me how much he is trying to make me happy and yea, hes always affectionate and caring, he has never cheated on me, he always calls me and emails me ... but i always manage to fight at the wrong time and the wrong way... i realize he is not perfect and know what he said was wrong and that it takes 2 to let an argument escalate but i know and understand where he was coming from cause i think if anyone put so much pressure on me i would be pissed off...

 

this site has been very useful as it helps me to see i am not the only one going through this emotional time... the idea of NO CONTACT is interesting to heal myself... but is this sometime i should do ASAP? i have for 2 days so far...

 

what should i do folks?! is it over? is it too late?

[DN]

I replied to your pm.

[Beyondthesea]

I don't really know what to tell you. Personally I think it is over for the two of you.

 

Do you really love HIM, or do you love the idea of marriage? Marriage isn't just all happy times you know. Relationships change when marriage comes along, and not always for the better.

 

Marriage means life long commitment. I think as women we are brought up believing the fairytale wedding leads to happily ever afters, which it sadly doesn't!

 

If you were really having that severe of arguments over it, then I think you probably just aren't meant to be. He told you he hates you, hasn't loved you for a long time, etc. Did you have severe arguments like this before?

 

Sadly I think it may be a blessing from God on both sides that this relationship has ended. Sometimes God doesn't necessarily give us what we want, but what He knows is best for us.

[mytimewillcome]

i now realize i love him and i dont care how long it takes for him to finish school..i am willing to wait..i admire and love so many things about him...

i now understand marriage is a commitment made and planned on by 2 people when the time is right and i cant force it or control it...

 

this is the first time he has ever cracked and weve had an argument like this and the first time he has ever said such harse words to me...

[itsallgrand]

 

so that was a week ago and ive called him twice to leave messages that were calm and i said i was here for him if he wanted to talk...and also one email...

 

im just kicking myself now cause i now realize why i havent been sleeping.. its because im angry with myself for hurting him and hurting myself...i have been alienating myself from friends/family/stuff that makes me happy and focusing too much on marriage, etc... although im crying and not eating im trying to slowly work on issues i have...i started talking to my parents everyday now, i use to not want to go to work but i think its the only thing keeping me going, im exercising and praying alot, ive gotten into contact with alot of friends....

 

 

Aww, I am so sorry you are going through all this. I remember you. I was one of your scarce replies.

 

You're doing so well though! Yes, it may not feel like it bc it is difficult and there is a lot of pain. But look at what I quoted from you!

 

Only doing 2 calm messages is a HUGE improvement, and you havent' shown up at his house. Yayy! That is a triumph!

 

Calling your folks, your friends, exercising praying and self-reflecting: All excelllent tools for feeling better and getting through this as the best possible person you can be.

 

The relationship and the hope for marriage are at the top of your mind: but looking from the outside in, I think YOU are the most important part of this whole turmoil. You getting back to who you really are - and feeling good about yourself again.

 

*hugs*

[KronicMan]

someone who loves you wouldnt tell you rotten things like that.. in my opinion.

[mytimewillcome]

yes i agree they were harse words but he was so angry and he has never talked like that before..he literally blew up so thats the thing.. i dont know to take them at face value or to assume they were said out of anger cause i know if i was pushed to it i could say anything when angry...

 

i was suggested by DN to handwrite a letter and mail it to him about how i was insecure and should have trusted his word and that i will stop pressuring him...

 

what do u guys think?

 

i feel like if i dont have contact with him soon since its already going onto the 2nd week his anger will just turn into indifference ...

 

geeez im so confused... i keep changing my mind on what to do

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't believe you can necessarily say it is over. Nobody knows that for sure, probably not even him. This was a really ugly fight and it will take some time for things to simmer down. The fact that he called you back to come to the reception even after the big blow up, says that the blow up was the heat of the moment rather than the end. However, your reaction to his invitation was wrong. You should have gone with him and then perhaps things would have simmered down rather than escalated further. Your comment of how you sometimes want to go over to his place and MAKE him want to talk to you but you won't do that because you respect his parents and don't want to worry them...shows me that you still have a lot of work to do on yourself. You can't MAKE someone talk to you. It has nothing to do with respecting his parents, it has to do with respecting your boyfriend and his need for space and not "MAKING" him do anything. It is you trying to impose your will on the marriage issue that was causing problems...now you still want to impose your will by "MAKING" him talk to you but the thing stopping you is not the issue of doing right by him, but simply concern for his parents.

 

Since you have already called and left messages, you need to back off and let him simmer down enough. He is probably processing everything at the moment.

 

You wrote that you left messages saying that you were there for him if he wanted to talk. However, did you apologize for your behaviour and tell him that you know you were wrong for instigating the fight. Yes, he may have been over the top with anger, but sometimes when people are pushed and pushed and pushed, the eventually blow. You have acknowledged on this forum that you pushed too often and too hard which resulted in this blowup,

but it is important to acknowledge it to him.

 

I also agree that you really need to determine if you want to marry him because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, or you are simply in love with the notion of being married.

[KronicMan]

write the letter expressing everything your feeling, but dont send it to him. if your confused on what to do, if your indecisive, dont do anything. not just yet.

[mytimewillcome]

i do love the notion of marriage because it is a commitment between 2 people who love each other but i dont want to marry anyone else but him...

 

i am sure about this.. especially since this happened i am even more sure...time away with no contact from him has helped me see this...i have been way tooo clingy and tooo possessive lately...i had this weird notion that when he hangs out with friends and works over time that he will forget me...its taken me forever but i understand now that his life outside of with me only strengthens us and we need to be 2 whole people...i was putting too much of my happiness on him... geeeezzz its like i needed to be outside of the relationship to see what i was doing...

 

i did apologize in a quick email right away the day it happened but perhaps it was immature of me to send an email in such haste

 

yup i have so much to learn....i cant force him to talk to him...its just that desperate panicky idea i get at 430 in the morning when im forced to deal with all the thoughts racing in my head ...

[DN]

The reason you should send the letter is to make it crystal clear to him what you are thinking right now. The key to a good relationship is communication and that has broken down between you right now. So someone needs to get it working again and since you want him that would be you.

 

As I said to you in the pm - he may decide that he doesn't want to get back together for whatever reason. But his response to your letter, or his lack of response, will tell you what he wants without you having to guess.

 

You need information. It is always best to get information from the source.

[Scout]

I strongly suggest you follow DN's advice. I did, and I got the results I wanted. But even if I hadn't, I would have been glad that I tried. Life's too short for regrets.

 

Like you, I also speak before I think. It never, ever has served me well. So see, you're already gaining some positive perspectives here!

 

No matter what happens in the next few weeks or months, keep an open mind. Stay open to what you're discovering and learning.

[mytimewillcome]

i got this advice from friscodj through pm and think it was really insightful:

 

 

First things first here, you did the best thing you could ever do by recognizing your involvement in this. Have you ever told him about this realization you had with your behavior?

 

Secondly, I see this a lot, where couples are going along seemingly fine until the issue of marriage comes up. Then things suddenly become real, final, and scary. I think that's what's happened here and that the resulting fear has made him more sensitive I think. He is stressed and needs to figure this out on his own without your influence. That way, you have more surety in his decision being what he REALLY wants since there is no pressure from you.

 

So what should you do? I would spend a day or two and write a full, complete email as to how you feel, what you've seen of the situation and of yourself. Tell him you want to talk about this when he is ready. You want to be as welcoming as possible with this, you attacks, you want to take the stance of wanting to be his teammate and figure out a problem. Show him you have your end figured out.

 

I don't think he has quite figured his end out. He is still probably dealing with facing such a life change. I see this a lot...he is thinking too far ahead, he is nervous, he is scared.

 

Again, let me commend you on your insight and introspection. It is a hard thing to do to fing our shortcomings especially in light of emotional turmoil. Expect the same from him too, because these qualities are what make marriages work...working as a team and taking responsibility.

 

This is a good test for you guys, to see if you can handle a big problem like this. Good thing it is happening now and not when you are married, have children, mortgage, other responsibilities, etc. So in that sense, you are not late at all, you are early...

 

So send the email and leave him alone for a while. Then try calling in a week or so. Being together for as long as you have, you deserve some answer, some closure, whether it be through phone, in person, or even email. It might very well be the case where your impatience and control has slowly built up and pushed him away. That is very possible too.

 

Going to his house is certainly a possibility but let's try this other option first. I think if it comes down to going to his house after several failed attempts at communication, this thing is done anyway.

 

I sincerely from the bottom of my heart hope this situation gets figured out and that you guys live a great life together.

[Tricia23]

I agree with all of the advice give to you so far. I;m sorry your going through this, but I can relate to you in a way. My boyfriend and I broke up months ago. We finally got back together this past weekend on Sweetest Day, which was the happiest day of my life. We have been together for 4 years. We have talked alot about marriage and starting a family together. I talk about marriage alot actually with him, and I can tell it does make him feel uncomfortable. Its funny because the last wedding we went to, we got into an argument as well. I guess its because we are so in love with our boyfriends and we can see an amazing future with them.

 

Your boyfriend is going through alot right now with school etc... I think he is just so extremely stressed with the whole situation, and with you fighting with him isn't making it any better. I don't think this is over for you guys. I think he just needs some time to calm down. I'm sure he will come around in time.

 

 

 

So for now just relax yourself and take care of yourself for a while. Wait a few more days and then try contacting him, or write him an email explaining your feelings and how you are sorry for doing those things. 4 years is defenitely a long time for a relationship.

 

I gave my ex time and respect, but i'll tell you being patient was extremely difficult. I tried NC for a while, letting him call me, but that was hard too. All I did was keep looking at my phone. I tried keeping myself busy, but I just couldn't. So my advice to you is just give him a few days, and keep yourself busy. I know its hard, but its for the best. I prayed alot too. Don't ever give up on that. All of that worked and I got him back. And if that time comes for you, make it the best. Find ways to fall in love with him all over again. It can defenitely happen.

 

 

I wish you the best of luck with everything. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here anytime......

 

 

 

 

Tricia

[mytimewillcome]

hi folks.. thanks so much for all of the advice...

 

i sent an email to him outlining how i feel, what ive realized, what im doing on my end, and that im sorry, what im sorry for and why...

 

so should i jus leave him alone for now and a week shoudl be enough time to later call him or see him?

[Scout]

so should i jus leave him alone for now and a week shoudl be enough time to later call him or see him?

 

I think you need to give him as much time as he needs to answer your email. If it's longer than a week, so be it. Remember, your boyfriend felt pressured. This is no time to be setting deadlines right now.

[mytimewillcome]

i am so numb at work right now...if you guys are out there and in relationships please learn from me and dont take things for granted..dont pick petty fights...think before you act....

 

Here is the email he sent me last night:

 

The argument we had on the day of the wedding was not the first time we have had such an argument and even though I said a lot of mean, hurtful things, the underlying message was from the heart...our relationship is over. One week, one month, even ten years will not heal the things that continuously cause us to fight each other. Whatever we had died sometime ago and in my head I've felt as if our relationship has been over for quite some time. Unfortunately the positive memories of us are tarnished by all the arguments we have had over the last couple of years.

 

Please leave me alone...the worst thing you can do is continue to pursue this relationship as it reflects a total lack of respect for my decision on your part. I did not call you back after the argument to get back together...I simply wanted to confirm if you actually took the card I had purchased and that I had not misplaced it. I know in the past you have threatened me stating that you would not let this go...be a Catholic and respect my decision.

 

I'm glad that you are getting on with your life and I'd like to get on with mine. Despite what you think, we don't make each other better people and in fact some of our worst qualities come out when we're together, as evidenced by Saturday's blowup and the other countless fights we have had. I did not want to respond to your emails and messages but I feel that you deserve some type of response in order to get on with your life and obtain the closure which you seek.

[Scout]

mytimewillcome, I know you are devastated. That was obviously not the response you were hoping for.

 

But can I point out a few things...

 

It's clear that the acrimony and fighting have taken a terrible toll on your guy. They've hurt him a great deal and yes, he's angry.

 

Second, what people feel at one moment almost always changes with time. In fact, folks would be surprised at how drastically perspectives can change with time.

 

But it's clear right now your guy is very angry and feels that this is what he wants. You probably should step back and give things some time yourself. You say you realize your mistakes. Maybe you could talk about them in a little more detail here. It's very critical that you understand clearly what you contributed to the conflict, for many reasons. One, so you don't repeat the behavior, either with him or in a future relationship. Two, it's essential for emotional maturity and peace of mind.

[DN]

Again, I agree with Scout. And I am so sorry that you did not get a better result. The only positive at the moment is that you now know unequivocally where he stands and you will not be wondering if you should have contacted him - you can now start the healing process. That won't be easy for you and I do agree that at some point soon you need to do a little self analysis to apply lessons learned to the future.

 

For the immediate time you will feel awful but that will change and you will be able to be happy again. I know that is hard to accept right now but it is true.

[mytimewillcome]

ok so heres an update.. its been 2 weeks since the argument and a week since he emailed me to leave him alone and NC started.. on the weekend i met someone who could be potentially something more but i dont want to have a rebound so im just taking things slowly... well yesterday my ex called out of the blue and i didnt even recognize his voice at first! he wanted to come by and return something of mine and be all adult about doing a swap.. i told him i didnt have his stuff ready and there is no point in coming over until i do so i would email him sometime this week when he can come over.. he wants to come up to my condo and get the stuff but i think it might be best if im not home.. what do u guys think?! we talked for about 20 minutes about light stuff.. i told him that i hope if we run into each other i hope it wont be unbearably awkward but civil and that i forgive everything.. he said he hopes in time he can forgive me but that he doesnt hate me... so yea....just when u think u will never hear from the person again they call... so folks,,,should i actually see him and let him into my place or get my sister to meet up with him to exchange the remaining stuff we have?!

[DN]

Meet him and hand the stuff over.

[Scout]

Absolutely meet with him. And when you see him, be authentic. If I were you, I'd look him right in the eye and say, "I respect your boundaries and feelings, but I want you to know I'm still sorry for mistreating you and still love you."

 

He may rebuff you, but what have you already learned? That time changes attitudes and perspectives! What someone tells us today is not necessarily how they are going to feel tomorrow.