mytimewillcome

ok so heres an update.. its been 2 weeks since the argument and a week since he emailed me to leave him alone and NC started.. on the weekend i met someone who could be potentially something more but i dont want to have a rebound so im just taking things slowly... well yesterday my ex called out of the blue and i didnt even recognize his voice at first! he wanted to come by and return something of mine and be all adult about doing a swap.. i told him i didnt have his stuff ready and there is no point in coming over until i do so i would email him sometime this week when he can come over.. he wants to come up to my condo and get the stuff but i think it might be best if im not home.. what do u guys think?! we talked for about 20 minutes about light stuff.. i told him that i hope if we run into each other i hope it wont be unbearably awkward but civil and that i forgive everything.. he said he hopes in time he can forgive me but that he doesnt hate me... so yea....just when u think u will never hear from the person again they call... so folks,,,should i actually see him and let him into my place or get my sister to meet up with him to exchange the remaining stuff we have?!

hi, i was dumped by email yesterday and yea, i felt the same way-that it was cowardly and it hurt to think after 4 yrs our relationship didnt even warrant a personal dicussing.. i would probably start crying and be very hurt but at least it would be in person and i could ask questions to help understand better...

i am so numb at work right now...if you guys are out there and in relationships please learn from me and dont take things for granted..dont pick petty fights...think before you act.... Here is the email he sent me last night: The argument we had on the day of the wedding was not the first time we have had such an argument and even though I said a lot of mean, hurtful things, the underlying message was from the heart...our relationship is over. One week, one month, even ten years will not heal the things that continuously cause us to fight each other. Whatever we had died sometime ago and in my head I've felt as if our relationship has been over for quite some time. Unfortunately the positive memories of us are tarnished by all the arguments we have had over the last couple of years. Please leave me alone...the worst thing you can do is continue to pursue this relationship as it reflects a total lack of respect for my decision on your part. I did not call you back after the argument to get back together...I simply wanted to confirm if you actually took the card I had purchased and that I had not misplaced it. I know in the past you have threatened me stating that you would not let this go...be a Catholic and respect my decision. I'm glad that you are getting on with your life and I'd like to get on with mine. Despite what you think, we don't make each other better people and in fact some of our worst qualities come out when we're together, as evidenced by Saturday's blowup and the other countless fights we have had. I did not want to respond to your emails and messages but I feel that you deserve some type of response in order to get on with your life and obtain the closure which you seek.

hi folks.. thanks so much for all of the advice... i sent an email to him outlining how i feel, what ive realized, what im doing on my end, and that im sorry, what im sorry for and why... so should i jus leave him alone for now and a week shoudl be enough time to later call him or see him?

i got this advice from friscodj through pm and think it was really insightful: First things first here, you did the best thing you could ever do by recognizing your involvement in this. Have you ever told him about this realization you had with your behavior? Secondly, I see this a lot, where couples are going along seemingly fine until the issue of marriage comes up. Then things suddenly become real, final, and scary. I think that's what's happened here and that the resulting fear has made him more sensitive I think. He is stressed and needs to figure this out on his own without your influence. That way, you have more surety in his decision being what he REALLY wants since there is no pressure from you. So what should you do? I would spend a day or two and write a full, complete email as to how you feel, what you've seen of the situation and of yourself. Tell him you want to talk about this when he is ready. You want to be as welcoming as possible with this, you attacks, you want to take the stance of wanting to be his teammate and figure out a problem. Show him you have your end figured out. I don't think he has quite figured his end out. He is still probably dealing with facing such a life change. I see this a lot...he is thinking too far ahead, he is nervous, he is scared. Again, let me commend you on your insight and introspection. It is a hard thing to do to fing our shortcomings especially in light of emotional turmoil. Expect the same from him too, because these qualities are what make marriages work...working as a team and taking responsibility. This is a good test for you guys, to see if you can handle a big problem like this. Good thing it is happening now and not when you are married, have children, mortgage, other responsibilities, etc. So in that sense, you are not late at all, you are early... So send the email and leave him alone for a while. Then try calling in a week or so. Being together for as long as you have, you deserve some answer, some closure, whether it be through phone, in person, or even email. It might very well be the case where your impatience and control has slowly built up and pushed him away. That is very possible too. Going to his house is certainly a possibility but let's try this other option first. I think if it comes down to going to his house after several failed attempts at communication, this thing is done anyway. I sincerely from the bottom of my heart hope this situation gets figured out and that you guys live a great life together.

i do love the notion of marriage because it is a commitment between 2 people who love each other but i dont want to marry anyone else but him... i am sure about this.. especially since this happened i am even more sure...time away with no contact from him has helped me see this...i have been way tooo clingy and tooo possessive lately...i had this weird notion that when he hangs out with friends and works over time that he will forget me...its taken me forever but i understand now that his life outside of with me only strengthens us and we need to be 2 whole people...i was putting too much of my happiness on him... geeeezzz its like i needed to be outside of the relationship to see what i was doing... i did apologize in a quick email right away the day it happened but perhaps it was immature of me to send an email in such haste yup i have so much to learn....i cant force him to talk to him...its just that desperate panicky idea i get at 430 in the morning when im forced to deal with all the thoughts racing in my head ...

yes i agree they were harse words but he was so angry and he has never talked like that before..he literally blew up so thats the thing.. i dont know to take them at face value or to assume they were said out of anger cause i know if i was pushed to it i could say anything when angry... i was suggested by DN to handwrite a letter and mail it to him about how i was insecure and should have trusted his word and that i will stop pressuring him... what do u guys think? i feel like if i dont have contact with him soon since its already going onto the 2nd week his anger will just turn into indifference ... geeez im so confused... i keep changing my mind on what to do

i now realize i love him and i dont care how long it takes for him to finish school..i am willing to wait..i admire and love so many things about him... i now understand marriage is a commitment made and planned on by 2 people when the time is right and i cant force it or control it... this is the first time he has ever cracked and weve had an argument like this and the first time he has ever said such harse words to me...

Hi there, i posted somewhere else with not much success so im hoping to get advice here before i make more mistakes... so i started dating a guy about 4 yrs ago and we broke up around the 2 yr mark but got back together after a few months... he is 27 and im 26 in the last 2 months weve both had alot of stress including switching jobs, going back to school, moving, etc etc... i live on my own and he lives with his parents..(he has an excellent support system in his parents and friends) i havent been able to sleep lately and have been really irritable and on a short temper... hes just completely stressed out with a new job in a high position... anyways... so for the last 2 yrs conversations kept turning into talks of marriage which were driving him nuts.. i stopped bringing them up lately and now he was bringing up the future and even took me ring shopping last month... he told me that he will propose by june 2007 and hopefully we can get married by 2009.. he wanted to finish his mba but compromised since he knew i wanted to get married and he wanted to get married and said we could marry part way through his mba... well i now realize i have had some resentment about marriage or ive somehow managed to become obsessed with the idea of marriage and i always manage to pick a fight at a wedding we go to and low and behond the last wedding we went to was this past saturday... after the wedding ceremony a disagreement blew up into the worst yelling match ever and i know it didnt have to esclate but it did.. he told me 'i never want to see you again, its over, i feel all warm and fuzzy thinking i wont be seeing you, i stopped loving you long time ago, i dont want to marry you, i hate you, you cant force me, if we see each other it will be when we both have kids of our own'... he kicked me out of his car and said he was going to the reception alone well he called me an hour later and told me to get ready for the reception and i asked him why i should go if he never wants to see me again and he said 'you are right, lets stop playing games, ill go alone, goodbye' so that was a week ago and ive called him twice to leave messages that were calm and i said i was here for him if he wanted to talk...and also one email... i have realized alot about myself and that i was trying to be too controlling and impatient with the marriage thing when i should have been more supportive of him wanting to go back to school .. i put too much pressure on the guy... i should have just waited since he already gave me a deadline... i love this guy sooo much but am i to accept what he said at face value that it is over? if we have an argument he will usually call me back a couple days later at the most but this as already been a week....everything he said was pretty good at pushing my buttons,,, im just kicking myself now cause i now realize why i havent been sleeping.. its because im angry with myself for hurting him and hurting myself...i have been alienating myself from friends/family/stuff that makes me happy and focusing too much on marriage, etc... although im crying and not eating im trying to slowly work on issues i have...i started talking to my parents everyday now, i use to not want to go to work but i think its the only thing keeping me going, im exercising and praying alot, ive gotten into contact with alot of friends.... im one who would speak before thinking, and react before thinking what my actions would do to affect the other person...i am now thinking before i speak and trying to be more patient and less moody...i know i need to grow up and be more mature i know its a blessing from God that this happened because its a big wake up call for me to grow and realize things...im trying to tell myself to 'let go and let God'..and that 'if i let him go and he never comes back then he was never mine to love to begin with'... but geeeez is there anytime i can go to save this from ending? any advice would be greatly appreciated... i dont want to loose him or push him away further.. sometimes i feel like i should just walk over to his house and make him talk to me but i respect his parents and dont want to worry them...a few days prior to the fight he was telling me how much he is trying to make me happy and yea, hes always affectionate and caring, he has never cheated on me, he always calls me and emails me ... but i always manage to fight at the wrong time and the wrong way... i realize he is not perfect and know what he said was wrong and that it takes 2 to let an argument escalate but i know and understand where he was coming from cause i think if anyone put so much pressure on me i would be pissed off... this site has been very useful as it helps me to see i am not the only one going through this emotional time... the idea of NO CONTACT is interesting to heal myself... but is this sometime i should do ASAP? i have for 2 days so far... what should i do folks?! is it over? is it too late?

hi there... i had the same problem but weve only been dating for 4 yrs... the only difference is he gave me a time frame - he said he would propose in the next year... well i was impatient cause its been so long and since i think some resentment has been growing we always get into a fight at a wedding.. well the last wedding was last saturday and he blew up and said he doesnt want to marry me or see me ever again... so yea, maybe instead of forcing an ultimatum u can just ask him for a time frame like within a year... and then just be patient... i wish i was cause now he hasnt talked to me for a week and i can only assume he meant what he said and im broken hearted now

yea well when i stopped bringing up the subject of marriage then he started bringing it up and about the future... but as soon as this fight happened he got so upset... yea i think he has growing resentment.. hes the type that bottles it in and doesnt want to talk about it... so i guess i should just walk away from it and work on fixing myself? i am so embarrassed with my actions... the last 2 months i havent been able to sleep and he knows this and i told him it was making me more irritable and upset... now i totally cant sleep the last few days and i think its taking a real toll on me...i gotta get stronger and learn do u think its reasonable that if i change and in a few months fell like contacting him i should?

I was dating my boyfriend for 4 years and 2 yrs ago we had broken up for a couple months but got back together... We recently started talking about marriage and he even took me ring shopping last month... He has started a new job and wants to go back to do his MBA (he is 27 and i am almost 27) .he has been really stressed out lately with work and studying... I was obsessed with marriage and kept on bringing it up and he told me to be patient and within a year he would propose and 2 yrs get married.. i kept nagging and pushing the subject but lately ive been making an effort... the problem is that for the majority of the time we go to weddings we always get into a fight that escalates.. i usually end up picking the fight for no reason and we end up tainting the day of weddings of close friends.... last saturday we had another wedding and apparently he had gone to church and prayed for a sign that if we got into a fight we arent meant to be together... so when something came up that was small it turn into a heated agrument and he told me 'i hate you..i never want to see u again... i am happy thinking about you not being in my life' and so on and so forth... he dropped me off at home because the fight occurred after the ceremony and he was going to the reception without me.. he called me an hour after the fight and at first said i should get ready to go to the reception and we should talk but he changed his mind and told him it was best that i dont go to the reception.. so he hasnt called me back since the wedding and its given me alot of time to reflect on my actions and why i do what i do.. i never realized how negatively i was affecting myself and him... after 4 yrs can a person really just blow up and then walk away?! its been almost a week and i really want to talk to him and explain.. i left him a simple message that 'hi, im worried and i hope hes ok and im here if he wants to talk' but that was a few days ago and he hasnt responded... do i just accept that it is over and he meant everything he said when we got into the fight?! ... whenever weve argued it has never gone this long without contact and he was really upset... i really want to fight for this but i guess i cant force him... what should i do? i have the nagging urge to do what i have never done before- go to his house even if his parents are there and tell him i need to talk in a calm and rational manner cause he wont even call me back... would that be wrong of me?