please help

[cawls]

hello,

me and my partner have been together for 3 years now, we are getting along great. I have a very high sex drive but my partner doesnt really.

 

She never likes me talking about sex much etc. It used to really get to me!! then just last night after a great night out She says to me "can i tell you something that i have never told anyone else" so i said sure!! "she told me she was raped a year before i met her!!

 

This killed me (this was my babe telling me some horrible person did this to her!!) i was in shock and didnt know how to react!

 

How should i react to this? what do i do? i have told her i am here and love her loads and will never hurt her! She said she wants to get things sorted but wont see a councilor!

 

Can anyone give me advice on how to help the situation, i really would appreciate it

[Just A Teen]

Ummm by getting things sorted does she mean breaking up or taking part away or just finding out stuff for herself? And my only add on it is be really supportive and maybe when you guys do have sex let her be in control and tell her that you love her bunches so it doesn't have any of the same effect.

 

I'm sorry to hear about this happening, rape is one of the most painful violent crimes that change peoples lives forever, no one really gets over it. I'm growing up to become a Detective to catch guys like that I'm sorry that this had to happen to her. But, you have to be really careful about you say around her because shocklingly small things can remind rape victims of their rape. Espically if she knew what he looked like then hair colors, facial features, physical body builds, all of that can be terriorising(sp) for them. Just be really supportive its been 4 years since it happened, and just be more loving towards her and wait till she wants to have sex again man.

[NKP]

Just try get her to talk to you about it and just listen to her and tell her thats shes not alone. Theres nothing esle you can really do its her to decide.

 

How should you react? well everyone acts differently so no one can say how you should or should not, the wrong way to react if you were to start yelling at her but you didnt do that and thats great, you did the right thing by saying what you said to her

[Beec]

I think there are plenty of women here who will be able to give you some suggestions. Counselling should be considered. Look at a post by rose2summer,she has a link to a counselling group in her signature. You should read up on some things about how women who have been raped react. Some reactions vary, I think, but I am not one to really know.

 

So far, I think you have deal with her well.

 

And the rape is probably affecting her sex drive. Don't push too hard.

[Juliana]

Rape survivors react in different ways; some become sexually inhibited and withdraw from sex. Others begin aggressively acting out. Neither reaction is her normal sex drive.

 

Partners of rape survivors are sometimes traumatized by their partner's rape. They are with someone who is suffering terribly, and there can be emtional "washover," so that she gets angry at you, is afraid of you, comes on strong to you. The important thing to remember is that she is going to recover her sense of self, she is going to get her emotional footing back; try not to hold any of her more extreme behaviours against her, if there are any. Just let it pass.

 

Don't re-enact any rape fantasies or bondage fantasies she may have. Don't do things that will startle or surprise her; some guys think it's cute to hide in a closet or behind a door and jump out at their girlfriends when they come home; that leads to a 15 hour crying jag. Not so funny.

 

Your high sex drive isn't a problem, but you have to let her feeel safe and secure every time you have sex. Just love her and be yourself, and wait for her emotions to start to settle back to normal. They will.

[rocio]

Don't expect this to be something you can fix. Guys always want to fix problems, but please don't approach this that way. It is something that will affect her, in some way, for life.

 

If she is not ready to go to counciling, then maybe you can go on your own. Find out ways to help her. Also, go to your local library or a local rape/violence resource center and get some books to read on the issue.

 

I'm so sorry that this had to happen to your sweetheart.

[Fallout]

Just be there for her...and suggest that she does counselling over the phone free and annonymous.

 

She probably feels guilty about it and won;t get counselling...perhaps you could bring her here show her this forum and the rape stories that were posted during the years...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

wow, how lovely for her that she has found such a caring and supportive partner! that really helps to have someone who loves you so much they want to support you.

 

But i still think that she would benefit from a rape support group with other women, to talk about her experiences rather than keeping them inside. So tell her how you feel, and let her express her feelings, but i would gently encourage her to get some professional help and support, there are lots of support groups for rape survivors to help them. you might even do some of the footwork on that, find a pamphlet or phone number and offer it to her gently, saying, you know i support you 100%, and maybe you might feel better by talking to some other women who have gone thru the same thing about this... lots of victims feel very guilty, like they are at fault somehow, when they obviously are not, and don't realize how common rape is, or that there should be no shame in talking about it or getting help getting over it...