he doesn't want a relationship :(

[ariyadhana]

Here's the deal. About a month ago I met a great guy. We had a definite spark- shared interests, and a great physical/emotional attraction. We started dating quite frequently (3-4 times/week), but about 3 weeks in, he told me he wanted to slow things down, and that he wasn't looking for a relationship. I kind of knew he wanted to take things slow, as he just got out of a 5 year relationship in June that had a lot of trouble in the last couple years of it. He's kind of messed up from that, and I understand why he wouldn't want to rush into something. However I don't want to date if it's not going anywhere, especially this intensely, and we have been fully intimate - something we have tried to stop with the whole "slowing things down" but neither of us seems to be able to restrain ourselves. We've talked about being friends, but neither of us seem strong enough for that either, it just always goes beyond that. I don't know what to do. We are currently on NC while I try and figure this out. Some may say stay away because we want different things, but I find it so hard for me to meet compatible people. I feel it is only once every 2-3 years I find someone who I "click" with. I can't keep doing what we are doing, but I don't know what to do. Help!

[friscodj]

Three months removed from a 5-year relationship is nothing. He has a lot of processing and grieving to do. He is far from over that. You even notice this. When things get more serious, these issues are only going to become more apparent.

 

And staying with someone because you find it hard to meet other people is misguided. It is far better to be single than be in an unhealthy relationship.

 

And I can see that scenario coming 1,001 miles away. This has classic "rebound" written all over it.

 

The easy answer is just keep doing what you're doing and "let things happen and see where they go". You can do, but I strongly recommend otherwise for both your sakes. The harder answer, but much, much better long-term is to cut this thing off right now before you get any deeper. I really, really, really, really want to tell you otherwise but this one is very clear to me. This thing has "pending disaster" written all over it.

[Goldfish6888]

The point is YOU ARE looking for a relationship.

 

So why would you hang in there?

 

Frisco is right, this doesn't look too good. It does sound like the guy is not going to get involved anytime too soon. At the moment, it is probably all about sex.

 

If you can remain distant and don't get emotionally involved - this would be tolerable. But I think that would be hard - as you said you get on really well and that you are compatible - there's a connection there.

 

I too find it hard to meet compatible people, but I pull the plug, when they can't give me what I'm looking for.

 

I am single and would definitely prefer to be single than in a relationship that WILL not or does not give me what I'm looking for. Its time wastage and its also energy sapping.

 

After all, a person that wants to be with you is what you deserve!

 

Hope you make the right decision. Don't expect anything less than the best!

[Batya33]

He sounds selfish. He knows he is not ready for a relationship and knows you are. thereforeeee, he is not much of a friend - or playing his cards right in the hopes that when he is done "grieving" you will want to be with him. If he was interested in a relationship with you he would priorititze backing off on any sexual contact and tell you that when he was ready in a few months he would contact you and if you were available that would be great. Don't help him "grieve" by getting naked if what you want is to date someone who wants a long term relationship with you.

[bighair]

Hi, i had a relationship like this when I was around your age...I'm 37 now...When I was in law school, I got involved w. another student...He too had been ending his LTR w. his college gf. I was so into that guy, we spent a lot of time together, we were intimate, and then one fine day i got friend-zoned....

 

I couldn't handle it at all. I felt like I had fallen in love w. him and I couldn't just keep it about friendship after we had been intimate. Ultimately, I had to break it off and go into complete NC. It was tought b/c we had a year left of law school together....So, I didn't talk to him for like 15 months....he would call me, drunk dial me, try to connect and i stayed away. The last time we talked was on graduation day....that was 12 years ago. but, i nthe 2 years i spent chasing this dude, i was approached by a lot of other guys, got asked out on dates, and i didn't reciprocate their interest because i was obsessed w. my loser. i regret that to this day...some really nice guys took an interest in me and i missed some opportunities.

 

You know...do your best to end it. if he wants you back, he knows how to find you. but, don't waste your time. you deserve the best.

[ariyadhana]

Thanks for the advice all. Here is an update to my situation:

 

So last weekend we were at a party together and I was once again getting mixed messages from him about what was going on between us and what level of intimacy I could initiate with him without crossing some sort of boundary that seemed to be shifting from day to day. I really realized then that I couldn't keep doing what we were doing, and that it had to stop. The next day we talked and he pretty much said the same thing. I did a week of NC, which was fine and well, and then we hung out Friday night as "friends". It was just that, he wouldn't even cuddle with me.

 

I guess my question is, is there hope for this situation? I really want more than friends with this guy and I would like to be in a position to be able to have that should he work his baggage out. Obviously there was a physical connection, and he is still interested in getting to know me on an emotional level, right? I'm just worried now that I might get perma friend-zoned and our spark will die.

 

Thoughts?

[irish girl]

Well when i met my boyfriend he had split with his girlfriend of 3 years only 2 months before, and at the beginning even though we had a spark and everything was amazing he told me he didnt want anything serious , so I was like right well i like you too much to just be a casual thing so we will have to just leave it, not friends or anything, it was really hard for me to say that as i was crazy about him, but i know that if it was meant to be it would happen so after a week of NC he called me and asked me out as his girlfriend, that was 6 weeks after we first met, and we have been together 5 years now and are engaged recently( after a few ups and downs)

 

so basically what Im saying is that it can work, if it is meant to happen i wouldn't meet him at all as hard as that is and let him realise if he is ready to have a relationship... The thing is otherwise if he still gets to talk to you on the ophone and meet you, it is easy for him to string you along without having to make a decision you know....