Very confusing break-up

[HondaTuner0487]

Hey guys, this will probably be a long story but i will try to make it as short as possible. I was dating this amazingly beautiful itilian chick for almost a yearand two months. We started out great, you know, not seeing each other all the time but when we did it was something out of this world. Well * * * * started to go down hill because we started to see each other so much.

 

We would literally see each other every day and all the time possible. We became obsessed with each other and started to forget te reasons we were so attractted to each other... heres the weird part

 

Yesterday i went and picked her up from an event she was at and it was obvious she was in a bad mood. She swore nothing was wrong, so i figured what the heck and we went back to her house. At her house she asks me to lay in er bed with her and take a nap together, but its soooooo ovious from her body language that something is on her mind... She cracks and tells me that she was to go find herself and she needs some time apart to gain back who she was, hang out with friends, date other guys, etc... She knows i am thinking about joining the Air Force and in tears begged me not to join. She would constantly reach out and hug me realllllyyy freaking tight during the whole conversation inisisting she cared about me so much and the only reason she did not want to call this a break is because she didnt want to have it turn out where either her or i find someone better and than the other on is left disapointed.

 

I left her house with her rying and hugging me really close, i kissed her on the forehead and left, reminding her that i understood completely. That night she alled me to tell me how crappy she felt and she told me we would be together but first she needs to just have some time apart.

 

During the conversation we came to an agreement that we can still maintain contact if emergenceis arise but should both stay out of each others lifes for a while. In thiry or so days we have it planned to go out and do something fun and light together and talk about how our lifes are and go from there... What do you guys think about the situation? We had a very very almost to close relationship and we abused how special love really is... I want her bak and she sounds like in time she will too... What should i do to make her realize that all that love she has for me can be shown to me?

[heloladies21]

First thing to understand is that hanging out too much isn't what caused the break up. She just lost interest and this was most likely a result of failing some of her tests, but no need to get into that now because it doesn't help the current situation.

 

One thing to make sure to realize is that to take things at face value and if she says she's not interested in being with you right now, but maybe later, you have to completely ignore the second part of that sentence because nobody can predict their emotions down the road and the only thing you can expect is that if she's not intrested in you right now, she's not going to be interested in you later. So do this, let her know you only want to be in a relationship with her right now, and if she's not with you on it, then that is her final answer and you are not interested in meeting up or having contact at any future point. Just make sure to realize that hanging around in the background or being her friend never works to get the ex back, this method always fails.

[majord23]

During the conversation we came to an agreement that we can still maintain contact if emergenceis arise but should both stay out of each others lifes for a while. In thiry or so days we have it planned to go out and do something fun and light together and talk about how our lifes are and go from there... What do you guys think about the situation? We had a very very almost to close relationship and we abused how special love really is... I want her bak and she sounds like in time she will too... What should i do to make her realize that all that love she has for me can be shown to me?

 

There is nothing you can do to make her realise anything - she has to realise things for herself.

 

Your plan to go NC for a while is good, as is to meet with her in a month to see how things go BUT that plan is good if you are on a break, not broken up.

If you guys have broken up (as opposed to 'taking a break') then essentially what you have agreed to do is put your life on hold for 30 days while she has the comfort of knowing that she will see you in a month and will be able to have you back if she chooses.

 

Where is *your* comfort during the next 30 days?

[HondaTuner0487]

UPdate!

 

She called me tonight, well first texted asking me to do her a big favor. I called her but acted numb towards her, simple yes and no answers and when there was silence i said talk to you sometime and hung up, she just called my house and is instant messaging me like crazy right now but i have said nothing.

[HondaTuner0487]

o and when she asked me for the favor i told her that me doing favors for her was something i did while i was with her and now that im not i have no reason to.

[HondaTuner0487]

LoL hey guys, sorry to update again but i have another question... interesting events happened. I was being like a stone to her online and it was making her so mad. She would block me and then five minutes later would unblock me and try to get along. She did that about twice. We ended up talking on the phone and she said that she really wanted to be with me but she wanted to know that i would give her time to be herself. I told her i would give her a minute, because the next minute some beautiful woman could walk into my life and sweep me off my feet and i dont want to have to tell that girl no. This angered her. I made it very clear that there was no gaurantee that i would be there in the end... So says "Would you get back with me right now at this very moment if you could?"

 

I said, no, not now, and told her that if it was meant to be than we would just fall back together. This ended with her asking me if she wuld talk to me tomorrow and i told her i didnt know depeneded on what i was doing. She got worried and said she hoped she would get to talk to me tomorrow... she said goodnight and i said "yup, seya" and hung up, i got the last word.

 

The ball is in my court as far as i can see, my question is by me turning her down tonight to get back together is that a good idea? What is my next course of action... I do really like this chick a lot and do want to be with her... whats next?

[BillyJean714]

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like she has her mind on another guy..

 

Maybe you did fall for one of her tests? I.E. going away to the Air Force. That's not a good enough reason. Either way, she's had a change of heart.

 

Her texting you like crazy and all? My guess? The guy that she hoped to date wasn't all that into her, so she's freaking out and needs to cling onto someone else.

 

These are my assumptions. Maybe it's a woman thing, you know? Why else would she be so loving towards you one-minute, and then the next minute she says she "wants to find herself." Anytime a girl says that, she basicaly has a change of heart. Her behavior is what says a lot.

 

I wouldn't go as far as accusing her of cheating, since I don't know the entire details of your relationship (i.e. if you guys had mini-serial break-ups or not), but it sounds like her rebound man that she had in mind didn't quite work out so well..Just my hunch based on what I read..

[heloladies21]

This is a whole lot of psychological game playing and I used to give advice to do this, but even though you might see some instant results, it never works out in the end and only results in a lot of wasted time and hurt emotions. Basically a lot of disrespecting and covering up the real issues, but they end up coming back to haunt you and the relationship fails again anyways even if you get back together due to the games.

 

Things are much more direct than this and you set yourself up for the game by answering her questions in the way that you do. It's a lot more simple than that, either you are together in a relationship or there's really nothing left to talk about and no keeping the door open, you are then going to move on. No ball in someone's court, no trying to figure out the next move. It's your heart, do this of you wanna do what's right for you.

[HondaTuner0487]

Well, i sincerely doubt she cheated or wanted to or whatever. She has always been very commited. See i have a clingy problem and thats what created the whole thing in the first place. I think she wants to be with me just is afraid of clinginess, if i could get over that (Really clingy ) than everything would be cool, whats the advice on that?

[BillyJean714]

If it was about clinginess, she would have said so. Instead, she said that she "wants to find herself." That's never a good sign. It's usually a really polite and gentle way of letting a guy down. Her feelings may be irreversible, but no matter what, she has the upper-hand.

 

Her texting you all frantically is what seems really inconsistant. One minute she's so sure of letting you go, next minute she's paging you like crazy..I guess you know the relationship more than us. But, often times, when someone wants out, it usually means just that. It also implies that their feelings aren't the same for whatever reason..

 

I hate to be pessimistic, and I would hate to taint your view of the relationship. So the best thing I can say is to go with you gut, and don't go with your pride. Anytime you think, "Oh, because I did so and so, I have the upper-hand.." you're bound to get hurt no matter what. Your intentional "Yes" "No" response only hurts you not her, because your'e expending so much energy in showing how "aloof" you appear to be, that she catches onto it, and it doesn't affect her as much. For some reason, I get this feeling that she feels as though she has you wrapped around her fingers, so she figures that she can dump you and get back with you anytime she pleases.

[HondaTuner0487]

probably shouldnt have left that part out. You see, she was clear in telling me that part of the reason she needed to find herself was because of how intense things with us were that she lost who she was. Like everyone says on this site, the person you were before blah blah blah. So let it be known that part of the reason she wanted it was the fear of being with me and my clinginess would make it almost imposibble to both be with me and have a life outside of me. Like our relationship was 100% devotion to each other and its not what either of us want... i dont know, i'd really like to try things again.

 

See, we'd aways try to plan our future and stuff and that stuff is just wrong so early in the relationship... we just got so attached and now we'd both still like each others company and companionship just on a MUCH more layed back scale... No more calling 6 times a day and going way out of my way to see her everyday... Shes not the only one who wants that kind of relationship, i just have issues with clinginess that i need to get over in order to fully enjoy it.

[BillyJean714]

Hey-that's okay..No need to be so hard on yourself. I can see that you really want this relationship to work out, but to me, it doesn't seem like she wants the same, and she's gently letting you know that.

 

Seems like your clinginess may have pushed her over the edge? I've been in a situation like that in the past with one guy I had a major crush on. He started acting clingly and we were only dating (not bf/gf). To cut a long story short, in hindsight, I think I would've fallen head over heals for him, considering the fact that how we met seemed kinda fairytalelish.

 

When I think about it, I'm trying to put myself in her shoes..Would I ever want to date him ever again? I don't know..I don't think so, because how he reacted really changed the way I looked at him. I went from completely being head over heals about him, to becoming a bit turned off..I would still like to date him..but in all honesty, his clinginess really made me have a change of heart.

 

Say what you need to say to her, and let her be. I know it hurts. Maybe if she's still all lovey dovey with you, then you still have a chance? It's not like she's so repulsed that she can't even kiss you right? That means she's still attracted. That means she still has chemistry for you to say the least. So maybe the relationship is salvageable. In my case with that guy, I didn't even hold his hands, because I have this policy about touching when it comes to dating, kinda prudish, but even if we did hold hands and kiss, I still imagine not being turned on by him at all anymore. Don't know why. Chemistry is weird like that.