Protecting Yourself as you easy out of a relationship?

[studbaker99]

Ok, this is the third 'installment' of my predicament. Some of you who prowl this board will probably have read my other posts.

 

In any case, a quick summary would be in order:

 

dating a girl who started as friends with benefits, then we hung out all the time, became more, so we're 'official' even tho (apparently) the word 'gf or bf' doesn't quite come easy from the lips. We have this standing 'rule' that if 'any of us finds someone better, that we should go for it'. We're basically mr/ms 'Right now'.

 

Apparently, she is going for it, as she danced with someone over the weekend and now would like to reconnect with him (but they didnt exchnge phone numbers, so she posted a 'missed encounters' ad on Craigslist wondering if he'd read it).

 

This was only found cuz I gained access to her email account and I've been snooping (shame on me!) It is possible she has engaged in other potential contacts with other people in the 8 months that we have known each other - some of it has been recorded (no direct evidence) in her email, but a lot/the rest could have been conducted over the phone/text messages. For those who read my other posts, I feel I need to say that DESPITE these episodes, she has always been 90% of the time THERE WITH ME, together, and we have DONE and SHARED many things together and common friends. I want it to be clear that with her extra curricular thoughts aside, I cannot have any complaints about her not having time for me, or not engaging, etc.

 

So if I never had spied on her email account, I would be completely oblivious to her other suspected activities. Given the rule we went into this relationship with, I believe she's in her right to do so. Still HURTS like a dITCH tho to find out that as we hang out, her mind's/heart isnt entirely there

 

To be honest (before I hooked up with her) I had a membership in one of those dating sites. I still receive 'matches' from and I have contacted a few women through the contact form (mostly its about clickin on a button and it sends the prechosen questions). But never followed up besides the automated forms. I think it was mostly an exercise in fooling me into thinking I had options.

 

From the beginning, this relationship has meant more to me than to her. Of course, the sex is great, and I didn't want to lose that, plus she's genuinely a fun girl to be with, and a lot of people enjoy her company.

 

Maybe I'm overanalyzing things that may come from this recent turn of events - like perhaps she's ready/wanting to be more independent and enjoy more of single life - afterall, it was this bachelorette party that allowed her to go clubbing wihtout me, and that's how she met this apparently attractive guy she would like to reconnect with...

 

Maybe this will die down, just as perhaps many other peaks of interest sparked before, and they too died, and I may not even have noticed.

 

Remember this is NOT a full blown relationship, but she has been a good partner in crime, and she has been a good one at that, if not for the evidence in the emails that she's not quite there in spirit. I have enjoyed it very much.

 

But from where it started ('friends' with benefits) to where it is now, it has gone pretty far. My hope would be perhaps that it could go farther.

 

But again, this last week (peaking with her club night) I have noticed a very slight drop on the interest level. Tonight, we chatted online and we webcammed, just being stupid with each other, and I thought the interest level was back up. To my surprise after I logged off she probably went to craigslist surfing randomly, and she thought to use the 'missed connections' forum and take a chance to contact that guy.

 

That brought me down, made my heart heavy. Yes, I have grown WAY too attached to her.

 

 

So, while the good is still going good, at least in appearances, how can I start closing my heart down, so that it won't be her that will call the shots, leaving a poor devastated me behind, crying and in pain and in a void for a period of weeks or months? How do I protect myself while I still can have the benefit of not being in pain? Is there a way?

 

(added: btw, this is doubly hard, because I just recently got back in Dec last year from living for 9 months away, and previous to that I had been with a gf that literally took my (small) social life away by demanding that we hang out 24/7 - the couple of friends I have made in the meantime are all also her friends. My roomate is also her friend , and we're part of the same college organization, so there's a lot of life mixed in together, taht woudl create a lot of contact points if/when we were to try and go our separate lives)

 

HELP before I NEED SERIOUS HELP!!

[heloladies21]

This is a situation very much of your own creation. Everything has played out as expected ever since you accepted this FWB situation and assumed a relationship by implication. One lesson to learn from all of this is that if you don't have any agreement to be exclusive, the other partner is going to look around for someone who's going to be serious about them. Now you've gotten yourself all attached to someone who can keep playing the field with a clear conscience and could drop you at the drop of a hat with the same clear conscience.

 

So what to do now? Go straight up on her and tell her you want to make things exclusive with her. If she's not on board with it, then time to let her no that you don't want to continue contact with her anymore as you would only be giving yourself false hope that it would one day turn into something serious. This backdoor entrance into relationships never works, too bad of a precident has been set with accepting seeing other people.

 

It's gonna be hard, but one thing to make sure to realize is that if you keep on with the FWB, it will end with her breaking things off with you and you having a broken heart. Seen this happen every time and no reason to think that you're an exception. And weening yourself off of her slowly can't be done either. Emotions just don't work that way.

[Rabican]

Rule number one, never enter or be involved in a relationship and set the ground rules that its OK TO BAIL as soon as either of you thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. Its hard enough to combat that temptation for some people without basically putting it in writing that its ok to do so.

 

The only thing I think you can do, is talk to her and say look, ive become really attached to you, i love you, whatever, blah blah blah and I want us to be commited 100%. If you still feel the need to keep looking then I think I will have to end it, as I am just setting myself up for hurt if we are not in the same place emotionally.

 

She might be waiting for that, or she might not want that.... find out and then go from there.

[studbaker99]

Thank you guys. In light of her constant recent metaphorical wandering eyes, it seems a pretty straight forward shot that if given an ultimatum she would choose the 'lets end this'.

 

Part of me yes, has hoped that perhaps a reason why she never considering going serious with me was because I did "not know what I want in life" as per her words, and that I was 'unmotivated and lazy', which was a slap on the face but totally true(I've been unemployed for the past 8 months). That conversation was a catalyst in me seeing that 'wow, I do need to move my * * *, if not her, then the next girl I meet would be thinking the same thing', ever since then, and I'm doing this totally 'for myself', I have started looking for a job that I really can make a career from and would be excited about. So yes I have been getting interviews in companies I'd love to work for (we'll see how that turns out) and I've been letting her know that this is really something I'm gonna build on.

 

I'm afraid tho that my personality/lifestyle is also a negative on my behalf. I'm always the chill quiet guy so most of the time I go along with whoever whatever people are doing. I think this is fun and cool for the first few months but then wears thin in the women's books. The whole alpha male selection and etc.

 

I confess it would be very hard for me to break it off from my own initiative. Even tho last year, I went travelling in Europe and had more success with women than I've had ever (tho, these were quick summer flings), relationship wise (this would be my third, and I'm 30) I've always ended up broken hearted. I don't like how I am in relationships.

 

I just got an interview in San Francisco (I live in San Jose, 40 miles away) if I get offered the job, it would be a hard commute, I might relocate, and thus move away from the temtaption.

 

I was supposed to have gone travelling in May, but due to meeting her, I decided to stay and its October already. I told myself, if something happens, and she breaks up, I can just continue travelling like my original plan - i.e. move away, run from everything that reminds me, the routine that we had. That's how I can deal with pain, otherwise I know I just will get miserable for the next month or so.

 

I dont know how to break up!!!...I don't think I have the courage!

[ImThatGirl]

So here's what you do maybe...

 

Take some time to prepare yourself. Eventually tell her that you want to be with her and only her and hope that she feels the same. Build yourself up. Find a job, find other things to do. Know that even after building your strengths, she may not want to be with you AND that, that is okay - you have lots of opportunity in life.

 

If she chooses to end things, let it be her choice. Move on, busy yourself with your travels and bettering yourself and never ever again agree to "if you want to bail, just let me know." You both set this relationship up for failure by having no expectations for each other.

[heloladies21]

It's ok friend, of course this is gonna be hard and it's gonna take a lot of guts. You're probably going to have to work up the courage to do it, but you can get there.

 

Thank you guys. In light of her constant recent metaphorical wandering eyes, it seems a pretty straight forward shot that if given an ultimatum she would choose the 'lets end this'.

You don't know her answer and neither do I, and probably neither does she until you ask. There's a lot that can change in her mind during the conversation you have with her and a lot has to do with the way you talk to her ie. how genuine you are and thus how much she believes you. This is what's gonna decide whether she decides on you or not.

 

Part of me yes, has hoped that perhaps a reason why she never considering going serious with me was because I did "not know what I want in life" as per her words, and that I was 'unmotivated and lazy', which was a slap on the face but totally true(I've been unemployed for the past 8 months).

This is not exactly what's pushing her away from you, it's not your specific career path that's affecting the situation. This was a test of your confidence and ability to stick up for yourself and you let it slide and this definitely impacts her view of you.

 

I'm afraid tho that my personality/lifestyle is also a negative on my behalf. I'm always the chill quiet guy so most of the time I go along with whoever whatever people are doing. I think this is fun and cool for the first few months but then wears thin in the women's books. The whole alpha male selection and etc.

This is definitely what affects how girls start treating you, and it's totally based on how they set up tests for you and how you handle them. This is very common out there and in my eyes is the #1 reason for failed relationships/chicks losing interest. Being the alpha male is part of it, girls want guys they can't manipulate and that will stick up for themselves, but the other part is they want a guy who they feel really cares about them. That's why you gotta pass the jealousy tests that a girl sets up, or the I truly care about you tests.

 

relationship wise (this would be my third, and I'm 30) I've always ended up broken hearted. I don't like how I am in relationships.

It's alright, this is something you can learn how to get better at. It just takes an open mind and be willing to try something different. So for real though, even if you don't think you can drop the ultimatum on her, have that talk with her where you let her know you want this to be exclusive. This is honestly how you feel and you just do yourself a disservice by holding it all inside.