So lost...

[geek_grl]

I don't know if this is the correct forum to post this...but I've posted other things here before so here goes...

 

I feel like I have no identity, that I don't belong anywhere.

 

Let me give you my background so you can understand what I mean by having no identity.

 

I was raised by my grandparents as both my parents abandoned me when I was a baby. I am asian but don't live in an asian country. Growing up I always felt like such an outsider...always like I was standing on the outside looking in...not fitting anywhere...and that was even before I realised I was attracted to women.

 

All of my family members are semi-tall, thin, feminine, very attractive looking and all straight. I am the complete opposite...short, fat and ugly. If I have my hair cut short, I can pass for a man.

 

I hate the way I look because inside I don't feel the way I look...if that even makes any sense. And the most confusing part is, my life isn't even that bad. I have a great job I love, friends if I feel the desire for companionship and some family who love me. But I feel like there's this barrier that separates me from everyone.

 

Even though I had a lot of friends growing up and can make friends easily, I was always a bit of a loner. That is, if my friends wanted to do something, I would always be up for it but I would never actively seek out companionship. If no one rang me to invite me anywhere, I would be quite happy just to stay at home and amuse myself with my own company. Getting older, I'm still the same as when I was younger but I think even more of a loner now more than ever.

 

Most of my friends now are really work "friends". I only see or interact with them when I'm at work, when I'm not, I usually spend the time by myself. I think I'm at the stage now where I've given up on life. I exist and that's about it. But the thing is, I don't feel lonely though. I enjoy being on my own and I always find something to amuse myself with. In the weekends when I'm not working, I can literally go the two days without speaking to anyone, besides a brief hello to strangers at the shops or something. I get a lot of invites to go places and do things but I mostly turn them down because I never feel the desire to accept.

 

I used to think that my desire to be alone was over the fact that I didn't want to admit I was gay and attracted to women. I've since accepted that I'm gay however and have come out to some select friends and family members. But I'm not living the "gay" lifestyle. I don't frequent gay activities or clubs and I still don't feel comfortable talking about being gay to anyone. I have never kissed a woman and definitely never been in a relationship with one.

 

But I've never really been an open person anyway. I can talk about random surface stuff to anyone, idle chit chat, but I'm not big on revealing anything about myself. So I'm sorta wondering, is my withdrawing from life, from social contact, due to the fact that I haven't really accepted my sexuality? Is it unhealthy to want to be alone all the time? I feel like I'm withdrawing from the world, like the only place I belong is inside my own mind and these four walls that I call a home.

 

I don't even really know what I want to ask...that's how lost I am. If anyone can make any sense of this and give me an insight I would be grateful. On the surface I'm ok and act "normally" but on the inside, I feel like I'm always out of sync with the world.

[robowarrior]

Well you sound like a perfectly normal Asian person, i just came back from Japan and you know maby you should visit your Asian roots home country to find yourself an identity of where you belong. Although it might not at all solve your problem i think it would help getting a better self-image of who you are, in this identity crisis of yours. You know i sometimes had that thought flashing thru my mind. Who am i? Then i always laugh and start singing "I am myself, and no one else" and know that its true. You see you are like a rough diamond that you can chisel into any beautifull shape that you want.

[pianoguy]

Hello geek girl,

 

Thanks for the honest and very open post. I'll help as best I can, but I think that it would be a good idea for you to consider therapy as you sound like you may be suffering from depression, and a live therapist could help you work through these issues better than I could. Just something to think about.

 

I've been in your place before- I can be in the midst of a crowd and feel utterly alone and disconnected from everything- like I'm in my own little bubble that separates me from everything else. I think what helped me get over that was finally opening up to some of my friends, and I found out that some of them felt the same way, so we were all alone together, if you will.

 

I see a couple of steps that you might want to take to help yourself. The first is to try and push your social boundries a bit- if someone invites you to some social event, go even if you don't feel like it, try to take initiave to invite your friends over on your own even if you think it would be a big hassle. Try to talk to people at work that you don't know very well, and take initiave to ask about people's lives before they ask about yours. I'm really bad at this, but if you just push yourself a little you can accomplish quite a bit.

 

Since you are gay you should think about making gay friends to expand your social circle in that manner also. If the bar and club thing isn't for you you may want to try other options, such as internet dating services or gay-friendly churches. I know alot of people are really skeptical of the internet, and I was too (you can read some of my old posts here) but I eventually met my boyfriend online and we've been togther almost a year, so yes it can work. In any rate, it's worth a try and certainly won't do you any harm.

 

Concerning your appearance, I imagine you are probably a very attractive person and your feelings about your appearance are simply a negative attitude on your part. Again, this is something I struggle with myself. Part of getting over this is simply changing your perspective- if you can think of yourself as attractive you actually become more attractive. But that can be hard to change just by willing it, so I think's it's helpful to do something actively to improve my appearance, such as exercizing. Actually, not only does exercising make you look better but it reduces stress and helps you sleep better at night too, so if you don't exercise I strongly reccomend taking it up.

 

Just for an example about beauty and perspective- you mentioned that you are short. My best girlfriend is extremely tall (6'2") and will not stop complaining about it and wishes she was shorter. So you see- it's just how you look at it- she views her height as being "ugly" whearas other people view it as being attractive. You might view your height as "ugly" but she would be very envious of you and view it as extremely beautiful.

 

One of my favorite professors said that to build confidence in yourself or to reach some kind of goal, you just need to do 1 constructive thing each day. That's all- just 1 thing a day. It could be talking to someone you don't know very well, or going for a jog, or smiling at a pretty stranger in the mall, or posting an internet profile, or something to that effect.

 

I think coming to the site is a major accomplishment also, there are alot of great people here, and we will help as best as we can.

 

Please keep posting, and/or if you want to PM me that's fine too.

 

Best,

pianoguy

[Tigris]

geek grl I can relate to what you've said.

 

It took me 30 years and 2 marriages to realise I'd been a lesbian in denial all my life.

 

If I can be of any help to you PM me.