geek_grl

I don't know if this is the correct forum to post this...but I've posted other things here before so here goes... I feel like I have no identity, that I don't belong anywhere. Let me give you my background so you can understand what I mean by having no identity. I was raised by my grandparents as both my parents abandoned me when I was a baby. I am asian but don't live in an asian country. Growing up I always felt like such an outsider...always like I was standing on the outside looking in...not fitting anywhere...and that was even before I realised I was attracted to women. All of my family members are semi-tall, thin, feminine, very attractive looking and all straight. I am the complete opposite...short, fat and ugly. If I have my hair cut short, I can pass for a man. I hate the way I look because inside I don't feel the way I look...if that even makes any sense. And the most confusing part is, my life isn't even that bad. I have a great job I love, friends if I feel the desire for companionship and some family who love me. But I feel like there's this barrier that separates me from everyone. Even though I had a lot of friends growing up and can make friends easily, I was always a bit of a loner. That is, if my friends wanted to do something, I would always be up for it but I would never actively seek out companionship. If no one rang me to invite me anywhere, I would be quite happy just to stay at home and amuse myself with my own company. Getting older, I'm still the same as when I was younger but I think even more of a loner now more than ever. Most of my friends now are really work "friends". I only see or interact with them when I'm at work, when I'm not, I usually spend the time by myself. I think I'm at the stage now where I've given up on life. I exist and that's about it. But the thing is, I don't feel lonely though. I enjoy being on my own and I always find something to amuse myself with. In the weekends when I'm not working, I can literally go the two days without speaking to anyone, besides a brief hello to strangers at the shops or something. I get a lot of invites to go places and do things but I mostly turn them down because I never feel the desire to accept. I used to think that my desire to be alone was over the fact that I didn't want to admit I was gay and attracted to women. I've since accepted that I'm gay however and have come out to some select friends and family members. But I'm not living the "gay" lifestyle. I don't frequent gay activities or clubs and I still don't feel comfortable talking about being gay to anyone. I have never kissed a woman and definitely never been in a relationship with one. But I've never really been an open person anyway. I can talk about random surface stuff to anyone, idle chit chat, but I'm not big on revealing anything about myself. So I'm sorta wondering, is my withdrawing from life, from social contact, due to the fact that I haven't really accepted my sexuality? Is it unhealthy to want to be alone all the time? I feel like I'm withdrawing from the world, like the only place I belong is inside my own mind and these four walls that I call a home. I don't even really know what I want to ask...that's how lost I am. If anyone can make any sense of this and give me an insight I would be grateful. On the surface I'm ok and act "normally" but on the inside, I feel like I'm always out of sync with the world.

This is really long and I apologise but I'm kinda confused over something and my reactions to the situation I'm in so if anyone has any helpful insights it would be greatly appreciated. I've been friends with another girl for about 6 months now and the funny (or cool thing) is we are very very close for two people who have really only known each other for a very short period of time. The thing is when we first met we instantly clicked with each other, that is, it wasn't an awkward meeting that usually happens when you meet someone for the first time. After about 10mins of knowing each other, we were joking and teasing each other like we were old friends kinda thing you know? Like we'd known each other for years and years. Anyway, that's not the problem, that was only to describe how such good friends we are with each other. The issue is that she has this idiot of a boyfriend who she really shouldn't be with but she confesses to love and has been in a relationship with for about 3 years now. I actually really don't know what she see's in him because everytime I have to spend time with her and her boyfriend my dislike of him just grows. Let me explain why I don't like him. Her boyfriend is very controlling of her and her time. She doesn't have any other friends really until I came along and she has made comments in the past about ditching her previous friends because of him not liking her friends. She justifies this though by saying that her previous friends were all the druggy drop-out loser types that never had a job etc so it wasn't a bad thing or anything that she dropped them as friends. I don't know if this was true or not because of course I don't know or have met any of her previous friends. But she also makes other justifications for the way he is as well, things like, deep down he's very insecure etc. And it's just not that either...he is just plain unpleasant to be around. He has a very unsocial, unfriendly and even sometimes rude attitude to everyone he meets and always seems like he's in a perpetual bad mood. He even confesses himself to be a total and makes no apologies about it, which I suppose wouldn't bother me if only for the fact that he's also very rude and unfriendly in the way he talks and treats her as well. He never talks to her nicely, is always putting her down (not in a blunt you're really stupid kind of way) but subtlely, like if she has an opinion about something he will ridicule her opinions and won't give up until she agrees to his opinions and is very condescending to her in his attitude, like he's better than her or something. My friend is the total opposite of him however. She's friendly, outgoing, talks to everyone she meets and is just plain nice. I once asked her what she saw in him and she replied that he may be an but she loves him and he's worth it...or something to that effect. We very rarely all hang out together because I really, really hate it when I see the way he treats her. I really respect her as a person and would never do anything to cause her hurt, like trying to break up her relationship etc which is way I don't talk about her boyfriend to her at all or even give her any opinions about what I think of their relationship. But...this is where my confusion comes in. I think (I'm not too sure because I'm still trying to get over someone at the moment who's just left my life...this was in a previous post) that I may be developing feelings for her. When we first became friends I had no romantic interest in her whatsoever and even told her that right from the beginning of our friendship in case she thought I was trying to come on to her via our friendship...all I wanted at that time was just to be her friend because I enjoyed her company. Now however I'm not so sure...I've started to think about her more and more and get twinges of jealousy when she talks to other people or doesn't spend as much time with me. I don't know whether this is a natural progression of friendship when two people are very close together? Sorry for the looooooong rambling but I had to get the details correct because I really want input into what's going on here. So here are my questions: 1.Am I disliking the boyfriend (even more) because I'm developing feelings for her and is feeling jealous of him and his time with her? 2. Should I let her know how much I dislike her boyfriend and the way he treats her and that she can do way better than him? 3. And if I choose 2 and do tell her what I think, do you guys think that it's because I have a hidden agenda of my own? ( I don't think I do) 4. Do I really have a right to say anything at all when I've only known her for 6 months whereas she's been in a relationship with him for 3 years? 5. Should I just not say anything and leave things as they are...I mean she has put up with him for so long already? The only reason I feel compelled to say something is because I honestly just want to see him treat her better or else be in a relationship with someone that will recognise and see all the cool and wonderful things about her. It's not that I want her for myself...I would prefer our relationship to remain the way it is now, just very very good friends with each other because that's what I need right now. I know if they were to break up any time soon her boyfriend will blame me for the break up. He is very jealous of the time she spends with me and doesn't like it. The reason I know this is becasue she's admitted to me that he feels threatened by me and our friendship with each other. I've even stopped spending so much time with her now because I don't want to be the cause of even more issues for her. Again, apologies it's so long and thanks for hanging in there. Any advice would be really helpful, I just need clarity on what to do. I want to be a good friend but I don't want my actions to be misunderstood for purely selfish reasons either.

An open relationship will only work if you or her can truly admit to yourselves that the both of you aren't going to be hurt if you both find someone else to go out with next week or next month etc. If it does, then neither of you are ready for it and it will definitely kill whatever you have left at the moment. I've never really been a big believer in taking breaks but then, that's me. If the both of you feel you should go on a break from the relationship then you should but I think talking about what's happening and being really honest with each other may be better? Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to be in a relationship with that person. Maybe you guys are just destined to be really good friends and nothing more. Whatever you both decide I hope it works out for the both of you.

Actually, Katherine Moennig isn't as straight as we thought she was. I read in an article on link removed that Jennifer Beals accidentally outed Katherine when she was doing an interview for the Advocate, however nothing in concrete has been confirmed by Katherine herself. But...back to the topic, what's up with the lablels? I don't identify as anything other than who I am. I hate it when people look at me and they instantly assume that because I'm not girly girly, I must be butch. And yes, although I do admit to wearing only pants and not skirts or dresses or wear makeup, that's only due to the fact that I find pants/trousers more comfortable and I hate the hassle of putting makeup on. It's hard enough already being a lesbian in this world without our own kind mocking or shunning people on the basis of looks. I came out pretty late in life so I can say with confidence that having spent most of my life (I'm 31) in the "straight" world and a few years in the "gay" world, gay people are so judgemental towards each other. When I realised I was into women, I wanted to do what everyone else did when they came out, find others like me to be friends with or have a relationship with but let me tell you, I'm actually quite dis-illusioned over our whole gay society (actually society in general, but that's another rant). In honest truth, I don't even bother anymore in wanting lesbian friends, I only wanted to be friends with other lesbians so I could feel like I belonged to a group who were like me in sexual orientation but I'm finding that the straight friends I do have now are really all I need to feel a part of something. They love and accept me for who I am, not what I look like. Fair enough when we wish to be in a relationship with someone, looks has to come into the equation, but attraction isn't all about looks, it could be the way someone smiles, or the way they tilt their head etc but to use looks as a basis for who and what group of people you want to call friends is just...I don't know...silly? It's for this reason alone that I choose not to be a part of the gay scene. Everybody's all so quick to judge and put each other down that I just can't be bothered with all that crap. Who cares what your friends look like? I make friends and hang out with people based on simple things, i.e they make me laugh, they'll support me no matter what, be honest with me, when we hang out together we just have fun and we have a few things in common. I may or may not be friends with the "5 shaved head" women example given below but then that all depends on the above criteria. If you're trying to find people based on looks to be friends with...that's pretty shallow and sad, not to mention that you'll probably miss out on finding really nice and genuine people. I'm not saying that everyone has to be friends with everyone, or that I don't judge other people on looks as well, I'm human, it's what we do instinctually, but I definitely don't use that as a basis for who makes my friends list. In my experiences, sometimes it's the people or the person you least expect to change your life that makes the most impact on it. Ok...getting off my soap box now and I'm sorry if I've offended anybody, wasn't my intention...I just wanted to add my 2 cents worth.

Am I ok? No, not really. I'm hurting like hell and all I can think about is her. I'm feeling so much pain that I'm amazed there's no actual bleeding to accompany the pain. She hasn't gone overseas yet, one more week to go before she does and the thought alone fills me with such depression. I'm actually planning not to be at work on her last day here, I don't think I can handle the actual departure. Cowardly? Maybe. But I've already said everything I've wanted to say in the letter and I know having to physically say goodbye to her is going to kill me even more. And oh yeah. She was very nice and polite about the letter. She emailed me a thank you note saying that she appreciated my words, that she was grateful we were friends and that she was only an email away if I ever wanted to talk to her. We haven't really had a proper conversation since Monday, the day of me giving her the letter. When we see each other at work it's more like a "hi, how are you" kinda thing in passing. Not that I've made the effort or anything but then again neither has she really. This may sound odd but I just want her to go already so I can start getting over her. It's easier to get over someone when they're not constantly around.

Well...I gave her the letter. After a panic attack that sent me home from work and 2 days to get used to the idea that she now knows about my feelings for her...I honestly don't really know what I'm supposed to be feeling. Everything's all over the place at the moment. Maybe the sense of closure will come with time? All I can feel right now is a sense of desperation and depression that someone I love is going to be out of my life soon...and even though she doesn't love me back the way I want her to, I still don't want to not see her again ever. Is that pathetic? To settle for friendship even when I know I want more just so I can be a part of her life? Can someone explain to me why life would be so cruel as to let your heart find someone but then to have that person not love you back? And although you know you shouldn't be falling for a straight woman, your heart just refuses to listen because in the end you can't help who you fall for right? The really funny (not in a har har way) is that I still have hope. Even after everything...the leaving...the fact that she's straight...a part of me still has hope that maybe she'll love me back the way I want her to. I know...you guys don't need to tell me that's stupid talk. I'm intelligent enough to know that it's never going to be that way...but that's the thing with hope. You can't rationalise or explain it with intelligence...even when you know it's never going to be...hope just doesn't fade easily. Unrequited love sucks. At the moment all I want is for this pain to end so I can feel ok again, so I can have the energy to do other things beside sleep.

It may be a little bit awkward initially but I think I've reached the point now where I will just have to deal with it best I can. Besides, a few weeks of embarrassment is better than a lifetime of regret and I know I will always regret it if I don't do this. I'm not hoping to achieve anything, as I said it's more of a kind of closure for me, a goodbye letter and just letting her know how much she really means to me. It's not an option that she won't leave the country. Thanks for all the comments guys. I've already decided to give her the letter, it was just matter of finding out whether that would be considered weird or not. I just hope I don't chicken out at the last minute. Will keep you all posted of the outcome.

I posted earlier that I was crushing on her yes and yes it's the same girl. As I said we are sorta friends now, but at work only.

I'm sorta friends with this woman at work...by sorta I mean we chat now and again but don't really hang out together outside of work. Anyway, I'm totally crushing on her and thing is, she's going to be leaving the country in about a weeks time and I probably won't get to see her ever again. I want to be able to tell her how I feel about her before she leaves so I can have some closure, but I don't think I can. I'm too emotionally stunted to have a proper conversation where I have to admit to feelings etc for someone else, I physically get the shakes when I think about talking to her about me crushing on her. I'm too pathetic really. Anyway, if I don't chicken out in actually giving it to her, I've decided I'm going to write her a letter with everything I want to say to her but don't have the courage to. She's straight...and I actually think that she's probably guessed that I'm crushing on her but just hasn't said anything to me because she either doesn't want to embarrass me or she doesn't want to embarrass herself. So my question is...do you all think I should write a letter and actually give it to her or should I just let her go without saying anything? What would you think if you received a letter from someone confessing everything they felt about you? That they were odd or would you find that endearing?

Thanks for all your comments...they're definitely very insightful and has given me a lot to think about and has made me see my situation with new eyes. I'm not saying that I think she's into me or anything but all the replies have made me realise that it could go either way. I think I'm at the stage of my crush now where I'm reading negatively into her interactions with me so when/if I know for sure she really isn't interested in me in return, it won't hurt so much. Self-preservation tactic I guess. I actually pretty much think like this as well in regards to invites, lunch or otherwise although for both genders however. Until proven otherwise I always view invites as gestures of friendship...but in saying that, what annoys me about me is that I completely turn that thought inside out when it comes to me doing the inviting because I don't want my feelings to be obvious to my crush. Any invites that I extend to her I get paranoid because she might view it as something more...which it is on my part but I don't want her to know that until I'm sure of her feelings. Again this comes down to the being embarrassed factor or worse case scenario getting rejected factor. Hmmm....I never thought of it that way. I guess when putting it in those contexts I can sorta get why she might not have emailed yet but still. I'm a pretty straight up kind of person, so to me, if someone had given me their personal email address (and it doesn't have to be someone I like), I'd be like "they obviously want me to write to them their, so I will". Which leads me to another question. A lot of questions on her part would be construed as interest and no questions would be construed as no interest when emailing right? Or again am I reading into things too much? How she responds, how she doesn't respond etc. Yes, she does. In some cases I think too much and it kinda makes me even more nervous so I then have to break that eye contact with her, because I start to lose focus of the conversation when I stare into her eyes for too long. The thing is, I would actually just like to be her friend and let her get to know who/what I'm like etc, but as I said before I really am quite retarded when it comes to someone I crush on and also to top it off I'm really quite hopeless at reading people. Sometimes I get so nervous when she's around me that I get internal panic attacks and have to leave the room or in some cases I just avoid her altogether. Like last week, she came over to my department again to speak to my boss but instead of saying hi or something or even smiling at her as she walks past, I totally ignore her...I don't even acknowledge her presense! And an even weirder thing though...for the casual observer it may look like I don't see her but if they were to ask, I can tell them exactly where she is at any given time without even having to look in her direction. Btw I really do appreciate all the people out there who have taken time out to reply to my posts...it's so much easier to try and understand things when there are other viewpoints to consider. You guys must all think I'm so inept though when I'm not even able to tell if someone likes me or not.

Thanks for the helpful advice guys...and yes novaseeker, I've already read the flirt article thanks! It was quite helpful actually. And btw slightlybent, I already know she's single and hasn't been married...I also know she has a young nephew she totally adores and wants kids of her own some day...but still doesn't mean anything right? Fact of the matter is...I actually become quite retarded when I'm around her. When I'm crushing on someone I am the complete opposite of who I usually am. Usually I'm quite out-going and can basically chat or strike up a conversation with anyone, joke around, flirt etc...but as soon as I develop a crush on someone I become a total mute, sometimes to the point of ignoring them altogether! I am actually waiting for a moment that I can ask her out to coffee or do lunch together or something but I either never get the opportunity or am not brave enough to ask. Like hosswhispra said, I don't really want to go too far in case she thinks I'm sexually harassing her...so in this instance, hosswhispra, you being straight and all, if someone at work that you just started to get to know asked you out to lunch or coffee, would you take that as them being romantically into you or just being friendly? Also, I think I'm also to hesitant to do anything because what if she is straight and then find out that I'm crushing on her? That would just be way too embarrassing...especially since we sorta work together. Besides, I think I already know that she's not interested cos in one of our email chats I had the opportunity to give her my home email address which was about 2 weeks ago and she's yet to send anything there. If someone was interested in you they would definitely email a personal address right, to find out more about you? I know I would.

Hi, I've been a lurker for a while now and have never really had the urge to register because I've never wanted to post or reply to anything before...however, I now find I'm in a situation that I would like a little advice on. Ok, this may be a bit long so I apologise in advance but I need to sorta give the background info before I can ask the question. I realised I was gay when I was in my teens but didn't really acknowledge or admit it to myself until I was in my early to mid twenties. So in that respect I've never been intimate with another woman let alone even had my first lesbian kiss! I'm now in my early 30's and still to yet have my first relationship with a woman. However, I was married to a guy before and have only ever had boyfriends. Anyway...I've recently started a new job and I am finding myself to be really attracted and interested in a colleague at work. I think on my part it was an instant attraction for me because when I was first introduced to her all I could think at the time was "wow...she's hot and I so love her accent". At first I didn't really think much of it because she hadn't started to affect me yet as we didn't really have much interaction with each other...but then 2 weeks down the line, she starts up a conversation with me and from that moment on, something clicked inside me and I have been totally crushing on her. I think about her 24/7, she's the first thought in my mind when I wake up and the last when I fall asleep. I have daydreams about her and when I'm at work, all I want to do is figure out how to spend more time with her etc. Basically, she's driving me nuts and I'm really quite confused over this whole thing. We're not at the stage of our friendship yet that I can feel comfortable asking her what her sexuality is, so at the moment it's kinda a guessing game for me. So my questions would have to be: 1) How do I tell if she's into me? 2) How do I find out if she's straight/bi/lesbian without actually asking her outright? 3) How do I let her know that I'm crushing on her without being obvious? Also, maybe to give a clearer picture. We have communicated via email now and again and sometimes it's not always me who emails first. The emails however aren't really that informative or deep though, just idle chit chat etc as it's during our working day so it's via our company email addresses. Sometimes, (we don't work in the same team or area) when she comes over to my department to chat with whoever she needs to, I get the feeling that she makes an extra effort to always come over and say hello to me and to start up a coversation with me etc...but that doesn't necessarily mean she's into me right? I have noticed she's friendly with everyone. Maybe I'm just projecting my feelings onto her and reading into things that aren't really there? Maybe someone who's been through this could give me some sort of perspective into my situation? Feel free to ask any questions...I have more to say but really don't want to make this into a novel if no one is going to reply. Any thoughts on this matter would be a great help.