should i try anti-depressants?

[locolady]

I have had a year of ups and downs.....in august last year i found out my boyfriend of 4 years had cheated on me in a drunken one night thing. It broke my heart to end the relationship but i obviously had no choice. I handled the whole thing very pathetically, made all the usual mistakes and now he pretty much hates me.

 

Its been over a year now - to try to move on i have been travelling alone, ive made so many new friends, i've done more exercise, ive started evening classes, i keep busy. There have been times when ive been happy - travelling was amazing but i just cant cope with the residue of sadness.

 

After all this time, i still cry for him regualrly, i obsess about what i could say to him, emails i could write although we do now have no contact. I hate it but i am more stable when we do not speak at all. i cannot stop thinking about him and no matter how much i know i should be grateful for the things i have, i am still overwhelmed by grief.

 

I long for something that cannot be - even if he wanted me again (which he definitely doesnt) i dont think i could forgive him anyway. so its stupid to long for him, to fantasise about him coming back. Yet i do.....all the time.

 

He is all i want. when im rational i know we needed time apart - i was very insecure and he is very sociable, he has lots of female friends. I simultaneously love and hate him - i just cant get over it. I feel that my life is so pointless. i am utterly worthless - i cant believe i meant absolutely nothing to him - he has forgotten me completely. He is happy again. i cant bear it.

 

i feel that even if i work really hard, push away the sadness and just pretend that im ok - one day he will marry someone else and that day i will kill myself - there is no way i will ever be able to stand that. so what is the point of putting up with this misery now?

 

I will be alone forever now, im not worth anything , not even loyalty. if he can just forget me the way he has done, everyone else i know will be able to do the same - i dont make any difference to anyone.

 

I would give anything to just talk to him, i just need to know that he cares, that he ever thinks about me but i know i have exhausted all avenues with him - he will not speak about it anymore - he says he no longer thinks about it - it has been a long time, he just has new, better girls and i might as well be dead. i will never have him and he is all i want.

 

Sometimes i know this is irrational = i have good family, i have friends, i have a degree, i have social skills, i'm a good person although i feel disgusting and pathetic becasue of him - all i want is him to realise that i am a decent person - its so unfair that he feels no guilt - to him i deserve cheating.

 

i feel so empty inside and i know this will never ever go away now - what he has done will always be there - nothing can change what has happened and it will always hurt., i am totally broken.

 

a friend suggested anti-depressants - my parents tend to believe that you have to find inner strength - what are your opinions? thanks for listening.

[jengh]

I believe that it is a combination of the two, inner strength and antidepressants, that can help a lot of people although many don't need the chemicals to feel better. Have you talked to a therapist or psychiatrist? I recommend discussing different options with your primary care doctor. Tell him/her how you're feeling and ask if he/she feels antidepressants might help you at all. At the very least, they could give you a referral to a psychiatrist.

[blueangel]

I had a bad experience with antidepressents, but that doesn't make me biased or anything. Here are some things to be aware of though:

 

• Your doctor may prescribe you to a pill based only on what you tell him. I told mine that I was depressed and couldn't focus. He gave me wellbutrin which took the tool of keeping me extremely focused... but only on negative thoughts.
  
• Most doctors will try to persuade you to be FOR antidepressants. It's better to find a doctor hesistent so he may really reason if you need it. But yeah like i said, a doctor's personal reasonings may be all that is decided upon. Make sure you check out certain things for yourself- information and all
  
• It affects your brain chemistry. There are other methods to lift yourself up with... so pills aren't always needed.
  
• It will not fix your problems- just your moods will slightly alter at different times than they normally do. You don't really become JUST all happy. You become happy at different times.

[Jordan5571]

I have been on them for years, being a manic. But they are not a fix, I NEVER feel the way I think I should. And its an up and down about a hundred times a day. But never up enough. I hate taking pills, I will admit they might be helping me with this. But I don't think so. Whats helping is getting out, meeting new people, and focusing on me. And helping others on here. That is whats doing it. I am going to be trying Yoga next week, the spiritual one if I can find it (sorry, too new to know names). I think I need to learn how to be good with me. If you know nothing about yoga, look into it on the net, it appears to me to be very little about exersise and more about you.

[richard29]

I'm taking them and some of the side effects are not good...... but they do help you to funtion. I can only say they make you numb to the pain aliitle.... as for coming off them it's not easy....

 

Have a good think about it..

[Jordan5571]

And numb to the good things too. I have been on them before the break. There were times, I knew I should be jumping up and down with excitement, and I just sat there.

 

Plus, coming off of them is just downright dangerous. I went off them for 3 days, I got dizzy and sick and my doc told me how it can lead to comos, ect... You need to come off of them slowly. If after you put a great deal of though to it, I found an herbal one that was a miricle for me. Problem is, when I got off of them becuase I thought I was better, they wouldnt work for me anymore. So I had to go to the real stuff which I hate. I am also on one that is supposed to level out the WB. So there is a huge draw back. Think about it. If it was magic, everyone here would be using it, and some of us, are. And most of us, will still tell you to try other things.

[Vynde]

locolady

 

Hang in there! you can do this! I know its hard and sometimes everyday feel like a bad dream, but you went though on of the hardest things ever - harder than death!

 

You are young, and have your entire life in front of you. Your going to make it past this hard time. Remember, your body cant stay this way forever, it wont. It will pass.

 

It sounds like you have a supportive family and many friends, and let them help you get past it. I know how hard it is to try and focus on other things besides him. You love him, its not going to be easy. But after time, this hurt will pass, and the sooner you can start working on you, the better it will be.

 

I know I havent said anything about your question, and Im sorry. Like jordan said, use the forum, use the help it provides. There are many people who will support you and that are goign though this right along with you!

 

Hang in there, take one day at a time, I know youll be fine, your a loving caring person who deserves the BEST..and that is what you will get.

 

If you want - e-mail me link removed[/i]"]vvaves@link removed

 

Hang in there!~

[locolady]

thanks for your replies, very interesting and useful to hear others experiences. I have used drugs recreationally for about 4 years and still do occasionally - i fear that this may have unbalanced me and be in part why i am so depressed?

 

My mum works at my local doctors so i cant go there? having a therapist isnt really such a big thing in england - infact i dont know a single person who goes to one? i wouldnt really know where to begin finding someone like that to talk to?

 

It sounds like i should stay away from antidepressants for the time being - im looking for a real high - i used to be such a happy girl and when i am happy, i am really happy! im enthusiastic etc but i guess im so empty inside - i feel that my ex saw my soul and rejected that - i can never now be good enough for anyone.

 

Trouble is that drugs i use when clubbing etc make me instantly feel great and i guess that is reflecting badly on real life cos i cant feel like that all the time - although i used to before all this! i dont really need my moods regulated i guess - i am getting on with life, its just with this deep rooting ache in my heart - perhaps nothing can help that? what i need is that memory zap thing they do in the film eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?! hehe! forget him all together - so i can stop dreaming of love that doesnt exist!

[TornTattered]

Anti-depressants arent for everybody. I hated the feeling of taking them. So i dropped them after a week. Personally i think you have to find inner peace. It took me a long time to find it.

 

Reading your post reminds me much of myself, and though i cant necessarily tell you what to do, i can tell you how i got over it and maybe you can relate that to yourself.

 

I was uber depressed and hated everything. Couldnt believe she didnt really care at all about what went down. And it hurt bad. I lost like 13 pounds in a week. And im not big or anything. Then i started to work on myself. I applied this time without her to fixing myself. I searched for whatever i thought may have been the cause of the breakup ( that had to do with myself ). I spent the last month not just changing myself, but reinventing myself. I had issues with depression, self esteem, confidence, negativity, etc. At first i started doing these things to try to win her back, but I realized that i did these things for MYSELF. These traits were things i have always wanted, but didnt have that kick in the * * * to do it.

 

Fast forward to this week.... when it all clicked. I woke up and started to feel good about myself. Life is too short to be depressed and down. And i realized that though i still love her, it isnt the end of the world if she wouldnt be with me. She will regret it later when she doesnt find someone better than me. I feel i am better than her. That is the mindset that you should have. You have to feel good about yourself. Forget him... you are soo much better and there are plenty of other people that would love to have what you bring to the table.

 

The sun rises and sets, oblivious to its' voluptuous and melancholic recipients' moods, whether of total disarray or of tranquility.

 

Now.. what does this mean? It means that the sun will always shine on you no matter how sad or happy you are. F him. You can do better. If he comes back to you... fine. But you are better than him. You will find that inner strength to carry on. There is no failure except in no longer trying. Hope that helped a little bit.

[motog]

Sometimes scars heal best in the open air, then we can move on, its understandable how you feel, you were happy the bang its all gone. But thats a decision you made for what happened. would you feel secure back there right now?. I dont think so . Go through this . I feel for you but again its not your doing, you feel loss and maybe direction . But dont suffer for other peoples lack of respect for you .

[Juliana]

If you do decide to go the anti-depressant route, don't take them for more than 4 - 6 months; any longer and you risk permanent brain chemistry changes.

 

But I don't think you need them. You describe an active life, in which you are coping well. What you are lacking is that feeling of there being a "special person," who loves you and values you above all others. And you keep looking back to your ex, because that's where you found that.

 

This person chose to leave you, and for some reason, that is not adding up to him being less than perfect in your mind. You seem to be willing to take all the blame for the current status of your relationship. Now, I don't know whether you boiled his bunny, or what you did, but relationships take two people, and this guy had left yours before you broke up with him. What you did afterward is not the reason he cheated on you. The fact that he has stayed out of the relationship, moved on and become happy is just proof of that.

 

For a while, you guys were right for each other, but you weren't done growing up then. Your relationship fell apart naturally as you grew and changed. And inspite of what he might say, you played a huge role in his life and in helping him become a man. Some of his confidence and sociability is directly due to you; there's no getting around that. You were young, and you helped shape each other. His contribution to you seems to have been to harm you. And that's part of the problem; we are so vulnerable to other people when we're young. It's so easy to reach us, and so easy to hurt us.

 

All the feelings you are having are just an ache, a wish, a drive to move forward passionately into another deeply committed relationship. Please don't attach those feelings to him. Use them to wake yourself up to the power and strength you have. Right now you've turned them against yourself; you can turn them the other way. The anger you feel at how he's treated you is realistic & healthy. Your understanding that you don't really want him back is also realistic. Now, the longing you have is the longing for passionate love. If you can first of all take this guy down off his pedestal and recognize that he is not the perfect man for you at all, and secondly, get up off your knees and take responsibility for the horrible things you say about yourself -- "I will be alone forever now, im not worth anything , not even loyalty. if he can just forget me the way he has done, everyone else i know will be able to do the same - i dont make any difference to anyone" -- you will begin to look to your own heart for self-assurance, rather than seeking it from him.