Crazy IM friend

[Bethany]

Phone his parents up, if he answers....disguise your voice and ask to speak to Mr.... or Mrs.. and tell them what's going on. You MUST tell them, however hard or embarrassing, for everyone's sake.

 

For all you know, his parents think everything is fine and dandy, and could be leaving him behind soon. It's one of the reasons why I recommeded that you spoke to them in the first place, to stop this from happening.

 

If you don't, they will be returning to Oz soon thinking all is well, especially as they met you and you didn't tell them of your concerns. They might go back happy thinking that "he is fitting in nicely and has made friends". If that happens you WILL be stuck with him in your life for a very long time, he could possibly "adopt" you as a surrogate parent, coming to you at times when he needs his parents or proper professional people who can support and care for him correctly.

 

You are not a professional and have a life to live.You can't be expected to carry on a "friendship" with a mentally ill man against your wishes because you feel guilty or sorry for him or because others think you should. This is your life.

 

I don't envy you... Must be an absolute nightmare!!! The sooner you tell his parents the better.

[Helen67]

Agree 100% Bethany. Or have someone else ring up, if you are worried he would recognize your voice.

 

But your only hope is the parents, I believe.

 

Good luck x

[Axel3sRoxas]

.

If you don't, they will be returning to Oz soon thinking all is well, especially as they met you and you didn't tell them of your concerns.

 

They never stuck around when I met up with him, I never got the chance to explain things. I was under the impression we'd all sit down and talk about this situation, but it's more like they're looking for someone to dump their son on.

[notsurewhatsnext]

Okay Aspbergers is a mild to moderate form of Autism and can effect individuals in varying degrees. Just because he has this does not mean that he is suicidal or will throw a hysterical fit everytime he does not get what he wants. Many people function quite well with this disorder. My advice to you would be to meet with him and his parents at a very public place, perhaps with a friend of yours (if your mom won't go). Explain to his parents that you would like to be friends with him, but this type of friendship is unacceptable. Since his parents have dealt with him thus far, they should understand where you are coming from. Hopefully the public place will dissuade him from causing too much of a scene. Explain that if he continues to bother you, you will file a report against him--doesn't he have to have papers to enter your country? Explain that unless he gets it together, he will be exiting quickly. If he has severe Aspberger's he may not give up easily--encourage him to go back to his country. Good luck and God bless

[Bethany]

I already suggested that in a previous post. Nothing came of it.

[langford]

I had a friend exactly like this I always thought it was interesting how people can use aspergers,etc,etc,depression or any number of convient mental disorders to excuse really poor behaviour,laziness,and constant and pointless self pity.Ship him back to oz and to tell him to carry his own backpack for a change.

[Fallout]

So langford in your opinion these mental disorders are made up and they just choose to act that way?

[langford]

So langford in your opinion these mental disorders are made up and they just choose to act that way?

 

 

No they exist,they just should'nt be use as a handy excuse for poor behaviour.At some point you have to take responsiblity for your actions and your life regardless of how mentally offkey you are.

 

I say that as someone who has depression et et al.

[Axel3sRoxas]

Okay, If you'd been ignored for 3 weeks, you wouldn't just suddenly email the person, acting as if everything was fine and dandy.

He's just emailed me, all like "Ooh you can show me around! Bla bla bla bla" as if we're friends. I thought he'd got the hint, I sure as hell would If I was ignored. Did he not realise the meeting went less than well?

Also, he claimed that he has a job too. How can someone with no people skills, and someone who tantrums at the smallest thing have a job? Not to mention he has no exams (not that that's everything) he lied on his cv, even forged his name on his sisters exam certificates.

This whole ordeal has angered me so much. I'm trying not to swear on here.

[Axel3sRoxas]

Update So I sent an email today, telling him that this 'friendship' isn't going to work. Now I'm just going to sit on my thumbs and wait for his outburst of incessant calling. . .

[Maverick32x]

Well good work at being straight forward... lets just hope he can handle it.... good luck.. (again) ;;

[Helen67]

Well done Axel, you made the best decision.

 

And I suppose if he gets out of hand again, you will have no choice but to confront his parents.

 

You've obviously got other issues in your life at the moment, without him adding to them.

 

All the best....Helen

[Grokker]

Hello Axel, I only just saw this thread.

 

First of all, you're only 20 years old. I really, really think you need the help of someone old enough to "appear to be an authority figure" with this. I don't mean to patronize you at all, you do sound like a very mature person, but this guy's parents are the key to resolving your situation and it will really help to have someone close to their age involved.

 

I don't think this cycle of email and incessant calling is going to help matters. You have to bite the bullet and have that in-person confrontation. You and he must be there, his parents must be there (and bloody well stay and listen to what you have to say)... and, you need to have someone his parents will respect as an authority figure there also.

 

So... are you SURE you can't get your Mum to give this one shot for you? It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, go shopping and such. Have you sat her down and told her how upset this is making you? It's also a potentially dangerous situation. If not your mum, I don't know how your relationship is with your dad... could you ask him to come down and help you out for that one meeting? God, if I were your dad or your brother I'd go over there with you right now before the fellow's parents leave.

 

Other choices? Do you have friends whose parents you get along with really well? Uncles/aunts? A counselor or teacher from school that you're close to? Perhaps a doctor, or pastor who may be willing? This is serious business, Axel, and I'm sure if you called a public helpline or something you'd find someone more than ready to do this for you.

 

As for the meeting, here are my thoughts. Don't address the guy, he is incapable of understanding and incompetent to make any decisions. Address his parents, and insist that they hear you out... ugly as it is to tell someone their kid has mental problems, it MUST be said, because it's the best (and only) thing you can do to help him.

 

Make sure they hear you and your "authority figure" partner out, while you both tell them the following things (let the "authority figure" do most of the talking):

 

1) It was a bad decision for him to come to the UK. From everything you and your "authority figure" can see, he is quite incapable of managing there by himself, and lacks the life skills and education to do so.

 

2) You had in no way suggested that he come, or encouraged him to come. You care about his well-being, but you can in no way be expected to take any responsibility for him. You are only 20 years old, and have a life of your own to live.

 

3) Your opinion (and that of your "authority figure") is that he needs to go back to Australia and be near his family where he can be cared for professionally.

 

Yes, it will not be pleasant, and you might feel "b!tchy" for a bit. But trust me, it's the only thing you can do and you must do it. If you let this go on as it is, I shudder to think what might happen... what if he commits suicide eventually, you may be scarred for life!

 

And, while some folks here may have been talking about how "he is the victim"... remember, he is NOT the victim of YOU. He is the victim of a disease that has nothing to do with you, and the responsibility for healing him is not yours either... it is his parents', and they damn well better not think for a moment that they can fob him off on you and go home to the other end of the world.

 

Finally, after the meeting... cut off *all* contact. I mean *all*. No email, no IM, nothing. If he has an obsession with you, any tiny crumb of attention you give him is feeding it, and standing in the way of his getting any better. It's unfortunate for him what's happened so far, but it's not your fault, and you're not a qualified professional who is trained to help people with aspergers' either. Don't get yourself in a situation where you might be blaming yourself for the rest of your life.

 

Good luck,

Grokker.

[Maverick32x]

good advice

I completely support that... I will be very happy when i dont see this thread updated anymore!!!! (and the kid leaves )

[Helen67]

 

Absolutely Grokker...That's what poor Axel really must understand.

 

Axel..please listen to Grokker's advice, you cannot do this on your own.

 

I know you are feeling angrier at the moment, and it's not a bad thing, cos you are starting to realise you have been dumped into a situation which is unfair to you.

 

Even if you keep getting gaps of contact like the last 3 weeks, that's another 3 weeks you haven't tried to talk to his parents. You must do it soon, because the time will go very quickly, and BAM! His parents have gone back to Oz, and you could be his only link to the outside world. What are you going to do then?

 

Most of us here know you are the victim, do not think you are a bad person for wanting him out of your life.

 

Helen xx

[Axel3sRoxas]

He did start phoning yesterday, but not my phone, my mums phone (which I think he thinks is mine) but I was at the hospital visiting my boyfriend (just been diagnosed with diabetes)

Anyway, ignored the three phone calls, considerably less than the usual thousands. Checked my email today, had a reply sitting from him, that simply said 'I'm going home soon. Goodbye forever. I will still be on IM. Bye'

 

I'm hoping that's the end of it. I'm not going to prolong any contact. I've said what I wanted to say and hopefully he's finally realised he's not wanted here, harsh but true.

If he starts up again, I'll update this thread once more, but in the meantime, thank you to everyone who's put up with my whining and to those who have given very good advice.

[Helen67]

Axel, you most certainly have *not* been whining!

 

I hope though that his email is genuine, and not an for attention purposes.

 

Anyway, keep us posted. We have our fingers crossed for you.

 

Helen x

[jengh]

He did start phoning yesterday' date=' but not my phone, my mums phone (which I think [i']he[/i] thinks is mine) but I was at the hospital visiting my boyfriend (just been diagnosed with diabetes)

Anyway, ignored the three phone calls, considerably less than the usual thousands. Checked my email today, had a reply sitting from him, that simply said 'I'm going home soon. Goodbye forever. I will still be on IM. Bye'

 

I'm hoping that's the end of it. I'm not going to prolong any contact. I've said what I wanted to say and hopefully he's finally realised he's not wanted here, harsh but true.

If he starts up again, I'll update this thread once more, but in the meantime, thank you to everyone who's put up with my whining and to those who have given very good advice.

 

Oh thank god he said he's leaving...let's just hope he means it.... I've been reading this post from the beginning (dont think I ever responded though, nothing I could really say) and I'm so happy it seems to be working out.

[equinox]

I'm afraid I can't advise you but just tell me why you gave him you home address and ur mom's cell phone number??

[therealshrek]

holy frijoles. i just read this whole thread and was wonderin if things worked out for you