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Crazy IM friend


Axel3sRoxas
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First I'll start off by saying HI, found this forum via google, and boy do I need some advice right now.

 

Okay, where to begin . . . I write alot of fiction in my spare time and 'met' this guy through link removed. He reviewed my stories, and often seemed rather depressed, so having been through depression myself, I offered him my email address to talk. Well, we've been talking for about a year now, and I found out quite a few things I guess.

He has some slight autism called aspergers syndrome, though for the life of me I still can't figure out what that actually is (google offers no clear answers) He explained to me that he can become obbsessed with certain objects/things/games/toys you get the picture. This didn't bother me. He also has trouble sleeping and has depression as I do at times, though I'm slowly being weaned off my anti-depressants, whereas he does not want to try. He moaned at me all the time about his 'friends' not inviting him places, and being mean to him. He slags off fat people and people who are unfortunate in the looks department, though he's not exactly slim, nor is he handsome. He's 19 and does not have a job, he sits on the computer all day. He left school at 15, thereforeeee has no exams. He would also have extreme changes of moods, and have unnatural sleeping patterns.

Although I can relate to the friend problem, I am not totally friendless: he has shunned all his friends, as you'll see when you read on.

About 6 months into the friendship, he started becoming interested in England (where I live, he lives in Australia) and had these ideas of moving here. I thought it was a crazy fad that'd pass, because he annoyed me at times and as cruel as it may sound I really preffered him as a 'IM friend' not a 'real life' one, but then before you know it, all the airline tickets are booked, he's packed up and BAM! now he's here.

I tried to dissuade him as much as possible, because he didn't plan ANYTHING at all before moving here. He hasn't got a job yet, only just got a flat, and his parents are with him 'til January to help him settle. I dont think he can handle it, and I dont believe for one second he'll start job hunting anytime soon.

He arrived a few days ago, and he phoned me for the first time. At first I didn't mind, but he pesters me all the time, phoning every hour sometimes, I just ignore him. He phoned my mums mobile at 7:30 in the morning, waking her up. He came round for the first time ever to my house at 10 in the morning, without ANY invitation whatsoever. I find this to be extremely rude. My mum went down, had a small chat (I was still in me PJ's so was upstairs) and told him to return later. He did.. but I'd gone out with my ma on a shopping spree, so wasn't in. When we arrived back home from this, an old lady neighbour knocked on the door and asked if we knew and aussie lad. I said yes. And she goes raving on about how he was crying on my step and really distraught, so she invited him in her house with his parents and he proceeded to tell her, a stranger, about how we talk online, and how hes moved here to see me. Well, sorry if i'm not flattered but I think this is downright scary. What kind of adult cries on a doorstep and makes a fuss in a street for all the neighbours to hear JUST because someone isn't in?!

On top of that, the night before he phoned my mum about three times, and told her his tales of woe and he was almost in tears then. Now, it's just annoying. My mum doesn't want me to meet him, my boyfriend doesn't want me to meet him, I'm not sure if I even want to meet him. He's rather weird and isn't responsible at all.

I feel as though he's invaded my personal space. I dont want him to keep knocking on my door, I dont WANT him to keep trying to arrange to meet. I work part time, and in my spare time I see my boyfriend and close girlfriends.

I have no time or patience for someone like him in my life right now, but how the hell am I supposed to tell him that he should've stayed in Australia?

I've gotten myself into a pickle, and I now have a permanent headache. Any input would be great, I know this is a long post, so thank you for taking time to read it. Please feelf ree to ask anymore questions.

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I have Aspergers Syndrome, and I know what obsession is. To him, you are the only thing that matters, nothing else. He will only see things as if nothing can happen besides you. It would be best to tell him that he made a mistake being friends with you, and he should move on to something else. After you do this, if you di this, he will become very depressed and maybe even suicidal, so it's best for someone to keep a close eye on him until he get's better.

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I dont mean to judge.... but wow.. SCARY!!!! I have NO advice for you!!! but i can atleast say i'm REALLY SORRY and i would be really scared if that happened to me!!!! I guess really try to disuade him or something, because that is the craziest thing I have EVER heard in my life!!! If his family is here, I guess it would be for the best if you tried to talk to him about it ASAP!!! Good LUCK!!!!!

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First of all, welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Secondly, I agree with Bethany. You should talk to him with his parents are your parents present because let's face it you don't really know this guy personally and you don't know how he'll react when you tell him this in person- as opposed to the internet.

 

I think you need to get this guy out of your life though and terminate this friendship, online or otherwise.

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I completely agree, but, however blunt I may be, I really don't want to hurt his feelings. I only have my mum to support me on this, as my dad is living with his girlfriend, and my bro is up north at uni. After yesterdays episode with him crying on the doorstep, she wants absolutely nothing to do with him, and refuses to meet him again or his parents. I've tried to persuade her just to talk with the parents, but she refuses. I don't want to breach the subject with her anymore because its causing arguments and making both of us stressed. If I tell him how I'm weirded out by him, he'll probably get hysterical and I won't be able to deal with that, because I'm not the kind of person who will stay calm, I'd probably end up calling him a crazy **** or something.

MewSkitty, or anyone else who has experience with Aspergers, can you please explain to me what this illness is so I can understand better?

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well, you could start with asking him what his intentions were of coming here.... maybe explaining that he needs to get a job and get to know people... and maybe tell him that his actions are a bit scarier.. and if things get really bad, just get a restraining order against him and you can call the police if he ever comes around. Basically I'm getting the feeling that this guy is pretty much a Stalker, and you need to deal with it.... and instead of worrying about "hurting his feelings" you need to start looking out for yourself a bit.

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Well I think you should have that talk with them...obviously he needs some treatment/counselling...and do remember he is not being a regular jerk, he has an illness and his reality is different from yours. Tell him he came on too hard and that his actions were being seen by people as obsessive and that he should get treatment, but that you'll be there for him...

 

I think you should be there for him...not that much but maybe once or twice a week, and tell him he should only call you and not as much as he did...like a gree on a phone call / day something like that...I know it's not your responsibility but you seemed to care about him because you tried to help him...your mistake was not making it clear you didn't want him there...but now what's done is done...so perhaps you should try to help him, if he can follow some ground rules it shouldn't have much effect on your life

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real quick question... has he been proffesionally diagonoised with this? Or is it a self-diagonosis? I'm starting to look more indepth into the DSM at school, (which is basically the textbook used to determine if a person has an mental disorder) and ALOT of the stuff in there is pretty archiac..... And there is alot of controversy about alot of whats in it!

for example homosexuality was just recently removed from it as an mental disorder~

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You need to go around to his flat with your parents him and speak to him AND his parents, and tell them exactly what is happening and that you want it to stop.

 

Yes I agree with this completely.

Have his parents present when talking to him.

Because seriously, this guy has completely invited himself into your life FULL TIME. That's not right. He's not your responsibility. You've got your own life, you didn't invite him here, or hardly know him, You haven't even invited to your home...he just showed up.....that is SCAREY!!!

Regardless of the disorder he has, there are certain boundaries he should be aware of.

You can't fix him. You can support him. But he may just rely on you for every bit of his happiness than. He needs serious help.

You already have a bf....what were his intentions moving there???????

 

I like Mavericks32's advice.

"well, you could start with asking him what his intentions were of coming here.... maybe explaining that he needs to get a job and get to know people... and maybe tell him that his actions are a bit scarier.. and if things get really bad, just get a restraining order against him and you can call the police if he ever comes around. Basically I'm getting the feeling that this guy is pretty much a Stalker, and you need to deal with it.... and instead of worrying about "hurting his feelings" you need to start looking out for yourself a bit."

 

I wish you luck

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I dont think he had intentions of becoming my boyfriend, because he knew that I've been with mine for over two years now, but I do think he has an unhealthy obbsession with me. I'm still trying to get my head around having a stalker of sorts. I understand that due to his mental state, he may not understand reactions, body language, etc, other things that come easily to most people. It is very scary, but I'm going to tell him that I dont feel comfortable with his behaivour, nor am I ready to meet him yet. Whether I'll do this today or in a few days, I don't know, but I'll keep you updated. Thank you for all the advice, and to RainGate, who took the time to find me links on aspergers syndrome.

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Update: He'd been phoning me all day, and suddenly came round again, without his parents at about 5 o' clock. He knocked on the door for about five minutes, and my mum and boyfriend told me not to answer, so I didn't (I wasn't going to anyway) About 10 mins later, he came back, knocking again. By this time, my mum was quite angry at his behaivour and opened the door asking what he wanted in a harsh voice. Well this guy blatently had a breakdown on my step, and threw his phone on the floor in tears before slumping to the floor and banging his fists on the step in what can only be called a tantrum. I came out accompanied by my boyfriend. He was screaming "What have i done?" Over and over again. I was telling him to calm down, then he got up and walked off down the street bawling his eyes out, making a scene by throwing his stuff around, and being generally strange. My boyfriend went after him and told him to calm down, which he eventually did.

My mum went out front, worried by the outburst, to get a male neighbour around. This made things worse as he came over and had a 'talk' with the aspergers guy, saying 'your not welcome' which I guess is true. Anyway, the guy walked off bawling again, so not wanting to leave him in a possibly suicidle state, me and my Boyfriend followed him and calmed him down again, before telling him that it wasn't best to come around my house, and if he wanted to meet, to do so uptown.

We plan on meeting him with his parents, to tell them all that perhaps its not best he stays, but stays til the end of the month, more like a holiday, rather than moving here. Based on his reactions, theres no way he could get a job and support himself with only me as a not-very-close friend. He also just got the internet in his new flat, so I'm pondering whether or not to tell him this over IM, as It'd be far easier than having to face another tantrum

Why the severe reactions? Do all aspergers people act like this?? I'm still in complete shock...

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I think he probably never had any real friends, or had very few...and now that he thought he had you as a good friend his expectations were alot higher than the reality...

 

I can actually see myself in his reactions and identify with him, altho I never had Aspergers to my knowledge, I did for other reasons have a misconstrued view of the world and "reality". Remember that, he's not being mean..

 

My advice to you if you want to help would be to sit down with him and tell him that you care about him but he came on too strong, while assuring him you'll not cut him off completely but tell him to back off with the phone calls as you'll be the one to initiate contact...I think after a few face to face talks or hangings out he might come out of his shell and become more of a "normal" person...

 

I know it's alot to ask, but think how much of a difference you'd be making in somebody's life...Also please, if you decide to help him with this stick to it, don't go half-way as that would only hurt him more...

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Yes, I do wish to help him, but I don't think it's in his best intentions to stay in England. He said himself that it was very different from Australia. I don't think he could handle it. I've never come accross someone who behaves in this way, its just a bit of a blow to the system.

Any pointers on how I could go about telling him this, in an email first, then next week when we see him again? I'm so baffled right now.

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Well he probably lacks face to face physical contact..so maybe that would be best..

 

He doesn't have to stay in England forever, if he's staying for just another month or two just go out and hang out with him for a couple of hours once or twice per week...in the meantime you can talk to him online like you normally do. I'm sure just a few hang outs with him will have a great positive effect on him while not being all that time consuming on you...and maybe try to convince the parents he needs to go into counselling, they seem to be handling him the wrong way..

 

And btw, you're a great person for trying to help him, not many would so..congratulations

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Yep maybe, but they seem caring so just put it there like an advice...I can't help you with the exact speech as I'm not the greatest orator around lol..I know personally hanging out with a girl friend a few times is what got me out of that state of mind he seems to be in...I hope it happens for him too

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Update: His parents knocked on the door on sunday evening, just after I'd returned from London. They must've been loitering around to see that I'd returned, or maybe it was just coincidence. Anyway, I spoke to them at my door, with my mum and brother(he's 24, just came down from nottingham for the weekend) We set up a time to meet on the monday, even though my mum still seemed extremely wary of it all. I met the boy on monday, in a cafe with my boyfriend. I was under the impression the parents would saty with us and chat, but they sort of wandered off.

We sat for around an hour or so, with quite a few awkward silences. I keep hinting that maybe it's best if he only stays 'til december, and see's some of the sights around London with his family. He always replied that he didn't know, so I told him that his parents are worried about leaving him here.

His mannerisms are rather . . . odd, and without wanting to sound mean, he's not the type of person I would classify as a friend, or would be able to spend time with without feeling creeped out.

My boyfriend spoke to him aswell, but felt the same way, and told him that it was unfair that he'd forced himself upon us. I'm not sure if he got the hint that, at this moment in time, England isn't the right place for him to be.

I'm going to email him in the week explaining my concerns, and try and get a definite answer out of him, whether he's going to go back to Dubbo. If he doesn't, I simply don't have the time to be able to be there for him. It sounds harsh, but at least I'm honest.

An internet friend is completely and entirely different to a real life friend.

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lets hope he's taken the hint but I don't think you're being honest enough, to be honest.

 

You needed to spell it out in no certain terms that YOU no longer want him to contact you, not your boyfriend.

 

This could go on and on if he decides to stay and the harder it will be if his parents are assured that you do want to be his friend and leave him behind.

 

This boy has become an unwanted lodger in your life and he needs to move out!

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