should I call him?

[confusedd]

My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago, we haven't had any contact since. I want to phone him and see how he's doing. Is this a good idea? I want to stay friends even though I don't know if I am ready for that right now. He didn't want any contact for three months he said to me. He is the kind of person who can really keep that going. But I think I am different, isnt it better to have some sort of contact to get over the loss more? I just feel like I am stuck right now. Maybe after I have phoned him I will realize it's to painfull, but something inside me is itching right now.... It is very difficult to go from speaking every day and having a lovely time when you're together to complete, absolute silence...

 

 

[LostAngel]

Hi confusedd

 

Give him the three months he asked for.

He broke it off so he should be the one to call you.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[aymee_lee]

I totally understand. When my bf and I broke up the thing I struggled the most with was the way that our contact went from 100 to 0. There is no weaning, no 'getting used to it', just one day they're there, and the next they're not.

 

You know him better than anyone, and you say that he can 'really keep the [no contact rule] going. So, I guess from his side of things I would say don't call, because he has specifically stated that he doesn't want to see you. However, he did say that when you had JUST broken up so maybe his feelings have changed.

 

Just be prepared that if you do contact him he might not be very nice as it sounds like he didn't want to talk to you, and might feel like he needs to make that clear. Sometimes when people are desperate to get their point accross they feel like they need to be really 'harsh' so you get the point. But, I don't know if he's likely to do that or not.

 

It's up to you, just be prepared that you might not hear what you want, but I think that if you accept that then and still want to call hime then do it.

[DizzyDoris]

I know its hard but he would get in touch with YOU if he wanted to. I suppose if you dont call him you'll never know but dont get your hopes up, it may only lead to more heartbreak and make you feel worse than you are feeling already. If you do decide to call him, only call him the once, dont chase him. Personally i wouldnt even call at all, if i had said that to someone about NC i would hope that they would respect my wishes. I know its hard for you at the moment, but try and keep yourself busy and when you get the urge to call him, call a close friend or someone else you can talk to instead.

[davejohn]

Hi confusedd

 

Give him the three months he asked for.

He broke it off so he should be the one to call you.

 

 

 

LostAngel

I agree with this lady and I don't know why he gave you a time limit. don't sit around moping though. Get up and change your life, perhaps you could start by going for small walks, reading a little poetry or joining a few dance classes and eating and drinking health stuff.

Don't let this guy be the centre of your universe. I hope this poem by mary oliver will help to cheer you up.

 

Wild Geese

 

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving accross the landscapes,

over the prairies and deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting--

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

[arwen]

Are you sure you want to be friends, or is that because you hope being friends will lead to getting back together? If someone breaks up with me, HE's usually the one that wants to 'be friends' and I am usually the one that cuts off all contact. If I were you I would not contact him. Not only because he said 'three months' (why?) but even more because having no contact at all is best in the process of healing from the break up.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[Batya33]

Only call if you would be fine with hearing "great, let's be friends - I'd love to tell you about this new woman I'm dating!" He cannot help you get over this - only you can - you have this romanticized notion that he will be nurturing to you - he may be but it will come from a place of guilt and pity most likely. You also might fantasize that hearing your voice will make him want you back. it is the opposite in my experience. Not hearing your voice or seeing an email from you will let him see what life is like without you and how much he misses you.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

If he asked for 3 months, I think you should respect his wishes and give him the 3 months. Take that time to heal for yourself, like ilse said. If at the end of 3 months, you still want to talk to him, I think, like batya33 said, ONLY contact him if you are prepared to hear ANYTHING, including him telling you all about the great new woman he is getting married to.

 

I think since he broke up with you, and he asked for no contact, then the ball is in HIS court to call you.

 

You also might fantasize that hearing your voice will make him want you back. it is the opposite in my experience. Not hearing your voice or seeing an email from you will let him see what life is like without you and how much he misses you.

 

I agree with this 100%

[confusedd]

Thank you all very much for your replies. i really appreciate it!!!

I haven't contacted him, it makes me feel stronger about myself. I think if I would contact him it would only be out of denial...

I do think that it would be my right to call him, since I still want to tell him what I think about the break up. I never got the chance to let him know, he broke up with me over the phone. A relationship is something between two people, I can respect his wish to not speak to me for three months. But I do hope that there's some respect the other way too.

But I understand that now is not the right time to let him now, since I am NOT NOT NOT over him yet. I would probably get angry at him...

 

I liked the: "ONLY contact him if you are prepared to hear ANYTHING, including him telling you all about the great new woman he is getting married to." I think Ill keep telling myself that when I feel the urge to call!!!

[Batya33]

No, I disagree. It is not your "right" to call him and he is not obligated to take your call. If he would like to listen to how you feel, he will but if he doesn't want to for whatever reason he can tell you that, hang up and have the right not to be called by you again. If you truly feel that is a "right" then the next time you get involved with someone discuss your views on that subject and see if he will promise to take your call and listen if you need to vent about a break up down the road. Get closure within yourself.

[annie24]

well, let's look at it from another perspective. let's say you tell him everything that is on your mind. will that alone make you feel better? venting?

 

or are you looking for a response from him?

 

do you want to get back with him, or do you not care what happens at this point?

 

I guess if you want to just bark at him and don't really care what he does or says, then why not? but if you want to keep things civil, or you would be hurt by any reaction, or lack of reaction from him, then I wouldn't do it.

 

he could do many different things - he might deny everything you are saying, he might tell you you are crazy, he might admit he was in the wrong, or he may not even take your call.

[confusedd]

I don't really understand the reactions on my last post, maybe I didn't really explain myself well. I am not planning to call him anymore, because it will hurt him and myself. I think wanting contact now would be out of denial. I still love him and on one side I would still want him back, on the other I know that our relationship is not possible anymore. We were in a Long Distance Relationship and it was a lot of pain missing each other all the time.

During the relationship I always said that love is all that matters, now I dont know anymore. Maybe its not enough.

 

I am very scared though that I will lose him, since he lives in another country. That we would grow apart. I hope I can call him at a later time, when I understand and can live with the idea that it's over. I also hope that he would pick up the phone and talk to me. I understand that its also his right to not pick up.

[glitzyfairy]

How long were you together?

[kim_uk]

dont do it!! I am in the same place right now, 3 weeks ago we had The Big One and we have had no contact since. It's a bit like quitting smoking..you have the habitual cravings to be with him, speak to him, enjoy being a couple etc, but in the end you know you have to go cold turkey otherwise it will eventually kill you. My experience is having no contact means there is someone else. He wants his cake and to eat it and if it doesnt work out he can come back to you in 3 months and say 'well I'm back'. Move on, let go of it and the right person will come along who wants to be with you not apart from you

[confusedd]

How long were you together?

 

Almost 2,5 years...