Has he done something wrong? PLEASE HELP

[PeachesFelix]

Dear all,

 

I need help. I don't know if what I am writing belongs in this forum, but it might do. I found out that my boyfriend had signed into an online dating website on the internet today. He had not entered any of his personal details apart from to say his age, place and that he was "seeing someone". Now, I know that he wrote that he had a girlfriend, but he still signed into a personals site, saying he lived in his old city, and its online dating!!!! But then, the seeing someone thing.....

 

I really need advice....shall I log in and play *** for tat, should I check and see if anything changes, then forget it, or should I confront him, even though it doesn't appear that he has done anything wrong apart from sign in?

 

PLEASE HELP

 

 

XXXXX

[Batya33]

It is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship. I would talk to him about it because the fake profile thing can backfire and is stooping to his level in a way.

[blueangel]

Admitting the obvious: he's wanting something a little different. You might have to eventually accept that. He's already sending the signs.

 

Most times when we are looking for something different, we want someone who we think will understand us more and share our interests. It doesn't always mean that you aren't attractive or appealing. He may just wonder if HE is. So keep that in mind. We all need that reassurance and deep connection.

 

Communicate and find out- yet don't tell him that you discovered his dating site. If you get into the relationship topic with him and he refuses to bring it up himself, that is a bad sign. But wait to see if he does. He might feel ashamed already for what he's doing.

[Meow18]

Don't make a profile and play games with him. That would only be asking for more trouble.

 

I think you need to talk to him about this. Maybe there's a good excuse for it? Although I can't think of one.. it's better to find out the truth rather than assume things.

[blueangel]

it's better to find out the truth rather than assume things.

 

Exactly.

[Shadows Light]

STOP. You are assuming. Talk to him about it.

 

I signed onto a dating site recently. And I was seeing someone. But it wasn't so I can catch a date!!! A friend of mine told me they had recently signed on there and talked to me about a few dates they had.

They said they put their pix up. I was "CURIOUS" to see which picture they put up... and how they described themselves. THATS IT.

 

THEN.. with more time to burn than sense... I wanted to see how the site worked. So yeah... I pulled all the guys within a certain age range in a 70 mile radius, and I filtered it by some of the qualities that I would want. JUST TO SEE what was out there. and .. EWWWW... lol.

 

My point is... I was NOT hunting. So..... I'd say talk to him about it and monitor him if you have to. And NO.. I wouldn't play the "You've got mail" game with him. Its trite.

 

It could be that he was just.. .curious. IT could be that one of his friends is on there... whatever. You don't have enough data to make an analysis.

[flower99]

Don't make a profile and play games with him. That would only be asking for more trouble.

 

I think you need to talk to him about this. Maybe there's a good excuse for it? Although I can't think of one.. it's better to find out the truth rather than assume things.

 

Totally agree...don't play games

Talk to him, find out the truth...ask him why he's on one?

[PeachesFelix]

You guys are right, thanks.

 

I think I was just worked up. To be honest, I know that he has been on a dating site a couple of years ago, but nothing ever came of it, and he didn't even go on there a lot. I know that he would not cheat on me, and he did write that he was in a relationship. I think I am going to leave it. It may just be for his self-esteem.

 

I think that the best thing for me to do would probably be leaving it, and then coming back to it to see if there has been any change in his information etc, and if that does happen then I shall bring it up with him. Otherwise I see no reason to fight and cause upset with him. I shall wait and see. That way I also have something to ask him about and I have the high ground etc.

 

Thanks guys.

 

I shall leave it and check in a couple of days, if he hasn't even been on there then I know it was just something he did kinda thing. Agree? If you strongly have another opnion on how I should handle it, I should like to know....

[Scout]

I would wait a bit to see if he becomes active on it. And let's say a few weeks go by, and he doesn't. I'd confront him about it anyway. It's a valid issue to raise, I personally think. But again, I'd also wait first to see if he's actually going to do something with it.

 

Just out of curiosity, in general, how do you feel about the state of your relationship? Do you mostly feel secure about its stability?

[CrossCheck75]

I have to ask. Is/was this relationship on the rocks when he partook in this dating site? Were you mutually expressing doubts about a future together, possibly even taking some time off?

 

The context of this will reveal everything you need to know at this point. If things were truly terrific with no significant issues, then it would be entirely wrong for him to begin "playing the field" again while with you. That would border on cheating, although a dating site profile is a real leap from hopping in the sack with someone. Still, dating sites are designed for singles to meet and date... One thing leads to another...

 

If, however, this thing was on the rocks, you cannot really fault him for merely testing the waters with a profile on a dating site. It's not as if he's actively dating someone new. He may feel strung along by you and is just floating a test balloon out there to see if he reels in any prospects. If this is the case, then you need to talk to him about it at once. Explain how you happened upon his dating site and utilize this as a platform from which to launch a campaign for reformed relations. Quite possibly this was his cry for help when all seemed hopeless and together you can work out whatever issues led him to that site to begin with.

 

Remember this-- he *did* even include in his dating profile that he is currently involved with you. I wouldn't be so worked up about it if I were you. Again, let this raise a flag that it's time to do some real heart-to-heart communicating. Good things should come from this!

[PeachesFelix]

hey, no, our relationship has been excellent recently. We've had our ups and downs, we live quite far apart, and don't see each other as much as we would like, but we speak every day and I saw him about a week ago. Things hav been as I would wish them to be, thats why I was so shocked by what I saw. If as you say, it had been on the rocks, then there would be nothing for me to do but carry on with my life.

 

Also, he signed in with a girlfriend, and he didn't fill in what he was looking for etc, so I really think for now I should leave it. You guys have been so kind to give me such good advice, it's good to know that if I am having a stress I can write on here and somebody will tell me to calm down and consider my options.

 

I think I shall sleep better tonight than I had originally thought thanks to you all.

 

xx

[silky88]

this one time i signed up to an online dating site because you had to to get the personality test, and i was curious what it would say about me... maybe he did the same... self-searching, not searching for others.

[Rabican]

Id probably try to find out more before I confronted him. If hes up to no good, you dont have much to go on right now, confronting him will just make him more shady.

[Batya33]

What would concern me is that he did it without telling you.

[blueangel]

Dude- that's a WEIRD thing though for him to be doing. Does he know you know? (that'd make it even WEIRDER)