Married man....please help

[female1981]

i have got it out of my system... kind of....

 

but there was one thing that i said in the email at the end of it that has almost asked for a reply.... i said that there was one thing i needed his help with and that there was nobody else in the company i could ask.... i will feel like an idiot if he doesn't reply... i know its my own fault.

 

oh and i just spoke to a colleague about the move. turns out that today is prob gonna be my married mans last day as he is going to be at the new site tomorrow!!! and they are all leaving early today i.e now! that means he didnt have anything to say to me before leaving. i can't believe it. i feel so foolish. and to top it off i have emailed him. god he will think i am the easiest, most useless person ever.

[annie24]

awww... don't beat yourself up anymore. you sent the e-mails, they are gone, that is done and over with. erase him from your mind, you don't need him.

 

did you ever stop to wonder why you fell for a man you couldn't have? are you afraid of a real relationship?

[Sad_now]

Okay, not to be cruel, but remember how you are feeling at this moment, and then re-live this feeling next time you have the urge to contact him.

 

You do know if he had really wanted to speak to you, he could have today - as they all left early. Also, HE could have emailed YOU asking to speak, right?

 

It doesn't really matter what he thinks of you - and if it makes you feel better, it probably won't be anything bad at all, I'm sure he likes you - but if you continue to contact him with no response (or at best lukewarm responses) from him, what will you think of yourself.

 

Already you have said 'I have nothing to lose' (by emailing him repeatedly) and have called yourself 'foolish' 'easy' 'useless' (I'm just quoting you here). You are putting yourself in a position where how you feel about yourself depends on whether he replies or not. Not good.

 

SO, I strongly would suggest that you go home, treat yourself, have a relaxing bath, eat a tub of icecream, watch a funny film (or all three!) and just let this be now. You have done ALL YOU CAN. You cannot do more without lowering yourself in him opinion and your own.

 

I am really sorry this has happened. I wish I could tell you that it'll all be fine - but my gut feeling is that it won't be. This is something that just has to be accepted. I wish there was a magic balm, but there isn't, and acceptance is only going to come after some pain. And in the meantime, all you can do is be kind to yourself during this process.

 

So just treat yourself in any way you can. Also, keep your distance from him. Only because if he doesn't reply to any of your gestures, you will be hurt. If you don't MAKE a gesture, he cannot reject you and you will not get hurt...

 

This won't be easy - but it will definitely become easier with time.

[female1981]

i feel like crap... not just because of that email... because of everything.

[annie24]

i promise you, you'll feel better in a few weeks. just look forward. write out a list of the things you need to do today and focus on them.

 

at the end of today, go rent a movie and get some chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

[female1981]

thanks... but i feel that life is worthless. sorry if this sounds dramatic, but its how i feel.

[annie24]

blah, it is not worthless. you will get over this. he is just a married man, who cares.

 

have you thought about why you became attached to him, as opposed to finding a single man?

[female1981]

i liked him before i knew. had a crush on him for a while. he is quite different to most guys i know and have known. i know it is not right for me to sing his praises and that you will think i am blind for doing so. but its true and thats why this hurts.

[annie24]

Just reassure yourself, that there are single versions of him out there.

[female1981]

I hope so. I think what makes this more difficult is that it never went very far. not even a touch.... it just leaves me wondering... and whats worse is that it is down to me... at even a suggestion of a hug i said a big NO. i think maybe i take life too seriously. why didnt i go with my feelings.

[annie24]

what were your feelings telling you to do? fool around with a married man? if so, ignore those feelings! you don't want an angry wife coming after you!

[female1981]

i don't think of having a hug as fooling around exactly. it would have been just a special moment shared between us... we all need a hug every now and again, not just from lovers...

 

i am not the kind of person that gets physical with somebody very quickly anyway. this is one of the reasons (as well as his marriage) that i didnt agree to it. but now i just wish that i had done it. i know that it would not have led to much more. but it would have meant a lot to me

 

i came out of a 6.5 year relationship approx 10 months ago. it was a difficult relationship... i was unhappy for 2 if not more of those 6.5 years. yes, my ex boyfriend was only mine... and i was only his. i am not scared of having a real relationship. i know how good it can be as i have had it before.

 

i just wanted this guy... from way before. i hope that i do meet someone who has special qualities... but i am quite old fashioned.... i dont play the field, i dont experiment and i certainly dont jump in to things. sometimes though.. i wish i did.

[ImThatGirl]

Good job not emailing him for a day. I'm sure that was difficult for you.

 

I worry that you haven't seen what the repercussions of constant attempts to communicate may be. This is your job. It's not your personal life. I assume you need and want to keep your job?

 

Try thinking of this move in a positive way. You won't have to see him anymore. Maybe it will be easier for you to gain your dignity back without having the temptation to act out like a young girl.

 

He does sound like a good guy. A good guy that will never leave his wife. Yes he was wrong for telling you those things but if you truly care about him, you will respect him and his wishes. He must be a very patient man. I'm not sure I've known any men that would quietly and calmly sit back and be pursued so diligently.

 

Take some time for yourself. Take the day off. I worry that if he doesn't come to you, you will go to him and that can't be good for your place of employment.

[female1981]

i emailed him again. second time today, despite not getting a reply to the first one. but suprisingly, i feel okay. and i think its because i was so so honest. i wrote down absolutely everything that i feel for him. totally opened myself. i am sure many of you will be disappointed in me. but i am not disappointed in myself. with all my heart i trust that he is a good guy. he will read it, probably not reply and just keep it inside his heart. but he knows how i feel now. i didnt write anything so that i could try and get a response. i just wrote from my heart. and seeing that he is not at work from tomorrow i dont have to worry about the awkwardness of seeing him again, at least not for a while. in the past i always wrote to him, trying to be clever, tried to think what i could write to try and get a response and thats why my emails were so inconsistent with the content. one minute i would be angry with him, the other i would be convincing him that my feelings had changed and that i didnt think of him in that way anymore..and the harder i tried to get a response, the more it hurt when i didnt get one.. he must have thought i was crazy. this last email explained everything.

 

i will not deny that i would like a reply. but if i get nothing, i do at least feel, at last, some inner peace

[gumdrops_and_lollipops]

Well I got an email back from the guy that I have been seeing...He refuses to talk to me in person or on the phone...here is what he wrote back to me when I asked him why he isnt answering me and he said..Because I dont know.

 

 

As far as I dont know, I meant i dont know if i wanted to say goodbye. I am devoting all my attention where it needs to be. I cared about you which is why it pisses me off so much when you call me a coward, piece of * * * *, etc etc. (Note: never calle him a piece of * * * *) And sorry I took away 2 years from your life. I guess me avoiding you made it so i didnt have to say goodbye or deal with what bothered me. Wrong on my part but my life sucks and i just wish i could crawl in a hole and avoid everyone.

 

Does it want it to be goodbye...So vague and confusing to me ..

 

Let me know what you think

[Bethany]

Hey female, I feel bad for saying this but I think you have just made it 10 times worse for him and yourself. It is unlikely that he will approach you again other than to tell you to leave him alone.

 

You are intruding on his personal space. He has already told you that you should stop and thats what you should have done, however difficult your feelings are to handle. You let you emotions overrule your mind.

 

You KNOW that it's your obsessiveness towards him and your compulsion to mail him that's the problem, and I am guessing he knows this also by now. Pouring out your emotions is not good, especially to a man who married, has said no and is trying to move on. He might even feel the need to tell his wife now. Be careful.

 

Even if he does change his mind and take it all back and say that he would like a fling with you, you are setting yourself up for heartache as this man is not the man you thought he was, i.e. he is a cheater, man who couldn't care less who he hurt to have a little fun with you, is that the kind of man you truly deep down want?

 

Either way this is a no win situation.

[Bethany]

Gumdrops, he sounds like he's ended up in the place where Females married guy is trying to avoid going.....He sounds miserable, guilty and depressed.

 

After reading Melrich's comment on your other post, I have to agree with him...I think it's over too. I recommend you leave him be.

[annie24]

sadly.... I agree.

 

If he's asked you to stop contacting him, it is time to stop. otherwise, it is stalking. And like bethany said, it really is a NO WIN situation. either he wants nothing to do with you, and you just poured your heart out to a guy who wants nothing to do with you, or he wants something, but then you have a married liar and a cheater on your hands to deal with. And an angry wife if she finds out!

 

stay away from this guy. obsessing about him is not healthy.

[female1981]

good morning everybody, thanks for all your replies...

 

i think you guys are probably right with everything you have said, but at the same time... i feel so much better... and its almost as though i no longer have this compulsion to email him again. i think its because i was so honest. maybe that makes me a fool and he will think me to be overly desparate and emotional. but i dont think he will. i dont even think he will reply actually... but for the very first time, that will not destroy me. like i said, yes i do want a reply (just being honest) but this is the only and first time that i will be okay if he doesn't. i know you guys may think it is selfish of me... maybe you think i have messed with his head... but my head was very very messed up. i couldn't focus on anything else in my life and it was making me a miserable cow... with everybody at work, at home... it was really bad. this has somehow helped. i don't NEED, or crave that reply. i have said what i wanted to...

 

 

hey gumdrops_and_lollipops.... so you got a reply.... yes i do think it is very vague and confusing. i expect he was not really thinking about what he was writing but just wanted some form of contact with you. maybe he wanted to reassure himself that you hadn't forgotten him? have you replied? i think it would be best not to. what is sad is that it seems there is a lot of bitterness between you and your married man. that anger and bitterness makes it harder to let go. did he email you after NC? i.e had you bumped into each other at all? do you have mutual friends?

 

i would advise that you do not get in touch... or at least think long and hard before doing so. you need to protect yourself from any more pain. put yourself first.

[ImThatGirl]

Female ~ It sounds like maybe this is all "clicking" for you. I know what it's like to be wrapped up in something and you can't be rational for a period. And then it all clicks - the irrational behavior and the way it is ruining your life and possibly reputation.

 

I hope that this last email was for closure. You said everything you needed to say. Now please, please, take care of yourself. Yes, it's going to be a hard road. Yes, you'll have days of pure unhappiness. But challenge yourself. Don't contact him. You can be a better person. You can do this. If you want to. Stop allowing yourself excuses for this behavior. Start accepting responsibility of it and be aware of the consequences.

 

Hugs~~~

[female1981]

hey everybody....

 

i think things are getting better. since yesterday, i feel differently about the situation. i have reached a point of acceptance... acceptance that it will never happen. sure, i still love and want him.... but it won't happen... it doesn't kill me inside to say it anymore...and that's a massive step for me.

 

i actually had no choice but to email him today. it was a work related thing and something which he was responsible for. but it was very civil, professional, and i used my work email account instead of my personal one that i would normally use for him. no surprises that he didn't reply and i dont blame him after the emotional email i sent him yesterday - i suspect he doesn't feel very comfortable or is unsure of what to say to me. but he did however get a colleague to come and find me to sort the issue out, and it was all dealt with in a good way. i am not even going to over analyse the situation... why didn't he reply, why didnt he come find me himself etc etc.... it's okay! i am okay, and i will be okay. i can feel it. getting that email out of my system really did help a lot.

 

i did however discover that he will be at work tomorrow (the site that i work at)... but i am not holding out for anything anymore, nor will i try to initiate anything with him. i am just so so glad to be in the place that i am in now. of course i still want to be with him so much. i don't think that will change for a while but i don't know.... like I'mThatGirl said... its starting to 'click'

 

as for the future.... i am not setting myself strict rules... who knows what will happen... if he does try and talk/email to me....i don't know.... i am just taking one day at a time. right now, like i said.... i'm okay, and that is a big step from how i have felt the last few days.

 

i want to thank absolutely EVERYBODY that replied to my posts.... it has made a massive difference having this support. all of you made me feel better, all of you tried to understand and have given me kind words. having someone there to listen to all my worries everytime i felt low and depressed means so much.

 

i will keep you all updated!!

 

lots of love (and hugs!)

[Dilly]

Hey Female,

 

I have read through many of the posts, but not all. It is obvious that it's clicking and that you're coming over the hump, but the way you hold onto this "love" and "respect" for him is still very unhealthy. Even though YOU are OK with YOUR progress in this regard, there is no telling when you might get another wild hair to do it all over again. It may be a matter of hours, weeks, months, or years. But I don't think you're done. I'm going to PM you a personal story and really hope that you might understand that while you and others on this board have applauded this man for his high morality and conscience, I am not impressed. I think it's very ugly of him to keep his marriage quiet (even though he might have issues, he is married). Furthermore, he should have never told you the things he did, true or not. Additionally, when you didn't write him for days, his ego hurt and he shot you an email. He's not above any cheating loser guy. I'll tell you what I think - that he just wanted a lay and a regular one, from somebody he was attracted to, but someone who wouldn't get all emotionally attached. He saw you got emotionally involved a bit too much and possibly thought FATAL ATTRACTION (the movie). Man, you need to just get it out of your head that he's anybody but a loser creep. I'm sorry. You might be an old-fashioned girl, and a good one at that, but this guy really wants nothing to do with you and will possibly put out a restraining order against you or press charges if you keep it up. I mean it, you may one day just send what YOU deem to be an innocent email and it may be all she wrote - don't play with this anymore. He's not interested in you for anything but a cheap thrill and I guarantee you that he loves his wife and values his marriage and only wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do you want to be "the other woman"? Yuck, no dignity in that.

 

I'm terribly sorry for coming down on you. I realize you're making progress but ... not quickly enough in my opinion.

[ImThatGirl]

as for the future.... i am not setting myself strict rules... who knows what will happen... if he does try and talk/email to me....i don't know.... i am just taking one day at a time. right now, like i said.... i'm okay, and that is a big step from how i have felt the last few days.

 

First off, you seem to be much more calm and rational today and I am very proud of you. You will make it through this.

 

But I have to add that your "i am not setting myself strict rules" concerns me. It states that you know one day you may decide you want to email him and that is acceptable.

 

Try this-> Accept that any contact you send makes you come accross as:

- much less than the better man of the situation.

- irrational.

- obsessed.

- a girl that has no self esteem.

- weak.

 

I can see it now. You decide Oh I'm just gonna send him a little hello. It's okay if he doesn't respond. He responds and you're back on the roller coaster. He doesn't respond and you're completely depressed and wondering.

 

YOU DESERVE MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE THAN THIS! YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTROL YOURSELF AND FIND YOUR DESTINY. MAKE IT A HAPPY DESTINY.

 

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Please note my signature lines.

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I really am sending hugs to you. I know it is very hard. And I honestly am VERY PROUD of you! Keep up the good work!

[female1981]

thanks guys...

 

but i feel some of the comments are a little harsh... i am taking this one step at a time and i am being realistic. i will not pretend that this will end overnight. if i try and fight too much, i end up hurting myself... been there, done that, and it never worked. i feel good right now, and thats enough for me. many posters that have posted in this thread have been there before, so i hope and thought all of you understood the sheer pain involved. i have felt so so desparate to write to him, initiate communication etc. god i was really feeling pain, confusion, depression and more. but now i feel alright. i will not deny my feelings have changed. why should i be dishonest with myself and you, the posters? this forum is the only place i can come and be 100% true and open with what is going through my head - and that is what i feel is saving me. if, all of a sudden, instead of advice, i start being judged i will lose that feeling of support i have at the moment - and then, guess what? i may fall back into this rubbish again. dont get me wrong, i do appreciate everything that is posted, but please try and understand my position and feelings. i think it is easy to be strong when not involved yourself, but not so easy in practice.

[Dilly]

Sorry to be harsh with you! I really, really don't want to make you feel badly, but the situation you're in really does not meritt a coating in sugar. I am not saying this to be mean or ugly or hurt your feelings but it seems like you're not committed to ending anything with him and that is the thing I feel you should be focussed most on. You will hear nothing more from me in this thread. Feel free to say whatever you like. I only want you to keep the rose-colored goggles off your face. You are a lovely person and you know this... but you're also very vulnerable to this vicious cycle.