Married man....please help

[gumdrops_and_lollipops]

Its ok...you really havent done anything wrong tho. I told you that the guy I was seeing called me Jeckyl and Hyde...But the difference was that for me...a history of 2 years being there for him..never loosing my cool ...It all comes down to him thinking that I am wacko. I have known about his wife for a year and half. I told him that I would never be revengeful and call her. I think that he took that and ran with it...Stupid me...I kept asking him up to last week WHY WONT YOU TALK TO ME!!! He still wont and at this point I have stopped trying. Something that you need to know about me is that I am married too. And that I was going to give up everything I had for NOTHING. I know it all sounds so confusing, but as much as you hate to admit it...same as I did...They just didnt care about us like we did about them. Constant email and phone calls is only pushing him away..Oh and I played the I will move on with someone else game...Didnt work...

[female1981]

oh, i had no idea you are married. how are things in your married life now if you dont me asking. sometimes i think my married man is better off than me.... at least if he is thinking of me, he can just grab his wife, have a cuddle and get me off his mind, whereas me.... well i have nobody. i do have a friend that listens and always tries to lift my spirits but friends tire of listening eventually and i dont want to become a burden.

 

in the next 2 days or so, my married guy will move off site with half of the company. i am trying hard not to focus on wanting him to initiate a talk.... but i have to admit the thought of him doing so is really keeping me going for this entire week. the difficult thing is the thought of coping with with the aftermath if he doesn't. i am so scared that i will be completely crushed if he says nothing and just leaves. i fear it will destroy my spirit.

 

even at the moment, i am just not myself at work. usually i am this bubbly person, friendly to everybody, always making an effort to be nice and to put a smile on other peoples faces, as in doing so, i get a buzz and i feel good about myself also. but this week, we had a couple of new people that i just could not be bothered to make an effort with at all, when usually i would be the first person to talk to them, just to make sure they feel welcome.

 

i hate this feeling so so much. i know ive said it before but i will say it again. thank you to everyone who is replying and offering advice. this forum does give me comfort and it def stops me from emailing him. i have not emailed him since yesterday afternoon! this, for me is a big thing..... thanks........

[Bethany]

i am so scared that i will be completely crushed if he says nothing and just leaves. i fear it will destroy my spirit.

 

If he leaves without saying anything to you, it's because he is doing what he thinks is best for everyone. And I am afraid you are going to have to accept that there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I half wish that he would give you one last word of caring or comfort, but deep down I don't think this would be in best interests anyhow. It would undermine all your hard work and start it all back off again, which only ends in hurt for everyone, you more than anyone because as it does seem he really doesn't want to feel guilty or lie anymore to his wife..

 

If I were you, I might even consider taking that last day off so as to guarantee that he does not mess with your mind anymore. It's certainly worth thinking about.

[female1981]

If I were you, I might even consider taking that last day off so as to guarantee that he does not mess with your mind anymore. It's certainly worth thinking about.

 

wow bethany... i think you must think me to be a lot stronger than i am!!! i know it may be the most sensible thing to do, but i do not feel very sensible at all! i wish i had the strength, courage and power to take the day off..... but i just know that it will not happen. i want to be there on the last day, as bad as i know it is for me. i am waiting to see what happens. waiting with hope that he will come to me, even if it is just for a few words... anything. i know i sound pathetic, but boy am i glad i sound pathetic to you guys and not to him! still have not emailed him......yay!!!!!!!

[female1981]

right... going to bed now... although i feel very little motivation when i think of tomorrow as it will simply be another day of trying my best to keep a happy face, be polite to everyone whilst inside i will be feeling like rubbish.... wondering what he is doing and dying knowing that soon we will be separated and how badly our communication ended.

 

how i wish so badly that he was single.... we would have had so much fun getting to know each other better... why did this happen to me? it seems so unfair... all my life i have tried to be a good person, not offend anybody, hurt their feelings, put others first, try to make others happy... why can't i be happy?

 

right now, i am so much in love with this man... and i did not even get the experience of having a cuddle from him. i am suffering so much, i cannot even explain it in words to anybody. i want him so much and it kills me of when i think about he told me he was in love with me too. i hate this so so much. i wish he weren't so bloody good! he is not even very confident with women and never flirts, sleazes at other females at work.... maybe me and him was just a case of right person, wrong time. its not going to happen in this lifetime. i have only bittersweet memories of all the beautiful things he said to me and me to him....

 

oh..... but i also have the way in which i have totally lost my dignity in front of him....... but not to worry... i still have not emailed him since yesterday afternoon.... very proud of myself....(but dying inside)

[Sad_now]

Hi - i Hope you realize that what you are going through is very normal and has nothing to do with your emotions for him anyway...

[female1981]

thank you sad_now. i have read the article.... but i just feel so awful right now that i am blinded to wise words

 

in fact, i just got into work an hour ago and have to say there are dangerous thoughts going through my head....i am trying so hard not to act upon them, and am turning to this forum instead, as the way i feel right now, i am on the brink of emailing him.

 

when me and my married guy were talking in the canteen and emailing each other constantly, one evening he wrote an email saying that he really wanted to give me a hug but did not attempt to do so as he did not know what my reaction would be. effectively, he was asking if it would be okay to have a hug. i wrote him an email back (i can see now that it was harsh) saying that that would never ever happen, i would not let it happen and that he should never ever attempt to do so. i even thanked him that he didnt try it. he was broken by this.

 

now, as he is leaving i am seriously contemplating sending him an email, saying that before he leaves, i want that hug. i know what you are all thinking..."don't do it!!!!". even half of me is thinking that too. but i am just not dealing with the fact that he is leaving very well, and i depply regret not answering that email re: the hug differently. i wish i could go back and say something different... at the time, i was so focused on being good and doing the right thing, but now, over 1 month later, it is killing me inside.

 

please guys, help.....

[Sad_now]

OKay, first of all, don't ask for that hug. Really. Just don't.

 

I know when we have that mad rush of desire (I HAVE DONE STUPID STUPID THINGS SO I REALLY KNOW), but fast forward a couple of weeks..

 

1. He will not be working near you.

2. He will probably ignore you again at some point.

3. He will go home to his wife every evening.

 

How will you feel then? If you really feel that you will look back at that hug fondly (you won't!), go ahead and ask him for a hug.

 

And what if he DOES hug you? What difference will it make? You will just find it harder to move on. You will think of it as WAY more than a hug and read alot into it and it will hurt at some point).

 

And the worst case:

 

What if you ask him for a hug, and he doesn't.....

 

Please don't set yourself up for a big fall. You are clearly emotional at this point, so just keep posting here. Don't start an affair as it seems he is on the brink of that - it is out of order for him to try and initiate anything now.

 

(Hugs) (no pun intended! strong and keep posting...

[Sad_now]

An excerpt from the article to keep you busy

 

"

Wanting to compulsively call your ex or cling to him when you know the relationship is over can serve to mask or anesthetize your feelings of aloneness, hurt, and pain. The same concept applies to women who are presently in a relationship or dating someone new and afraid they'll never hear from him again. When you compulsively call a man due to your own fear of abandonment, there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline with the anticipation of seeing him or just hearing his voice. But this rush is just a temporary fix. The true road to emotional freedom is to feel the pain of his absense and work through the pain by yourself or with support.

 

Its human nature to have a hard time falling in love with someone who's bombarding you with phone calls A desperate, clinging woman doesn't leave a man a chance to long and yearn for her. She is so available he doesn't have the space to fantasize about her or miss her which unfortunately is sometimes what falling in love is all about.

 

What is the healthy thing to do when you're having a compulsive, irresistible urge to call a man? First, give yourself permission to experience the tension and your feelings. Tolerate them until they pass. And they will pass. Feelings are just temporary. That's the trick – to feel you feelings, and to not act them out. It will take a great deal of self-discipline and work. It's easier to feel something, give in to your feelings and act out. Holding in your feelings, experiencing the feelings, and not acting them out is known as containing your feelings.

 

A warning: You will feel tension when you are in the process of containing your feelings. You'll probably want relief from the tension because you'll actually be uncomfortable. This discomfort will drive you to want to call him, because what you want is immediate gratification from the release of tension, Remember however, the anguish and pain you may have to go through if he rejects you, or you don't get the response you yearn for. "

[female1981]

hi sad_now

 

thank you so much for posting. i really need it right now because as you said, yes i am very emotional. and it is usually in this state that i end up writing to him...

 

i know you are probably right... and i dont want to start an affair with him... but i just regret the way i handled it a month ago. i dont think he is on the brink of starting an affair, as he has ignored me for nearly two weeks now.... yet i am still pining away like some fool.

 

i want that hug so bad though... to be honest i think if i did ask for it, he would ingore me. i am about 90% sure. i kind of feel that i do not have so much too lose though as he will not be working so close to me after a couple of days...

 

im am going mad

[Sad_now]

No, you're not going mad. You're just feeling panicky at the thought of the loss of this 'relationship'.

 

If you are serious about not starting an affair with him, then you really need to clear your head. Just go have some coffee, go outside and take a few deep breaths, go to the toilet and have a cry. Anything, to calm yourself and get a handle on your emotions.

 

Once you've done that, I KNOW you will see that 'one last contact' really means nothing. He's just moving to a new workplace within the same company, not migrating to Mars. You will probably run into him again at some point. That 'last hug' is a way of holding on. And unless you want a full-blown affair with him, it will do you no good. I know it's PC to say I don't want to have an affair - but really, if given half the chance, can you honestly say you won't do it? I know I NEVER wanted to have an affair with a married man. I would have laughed three years ago at the very thought. I did. Under lies and deception. But after a point, I knew of his wife. And I am ashamed to say I did. And lived to regret it. So I KNOW how easy it is to get dragged into something like this, saying oh just one coffee, just one call, just one hug....

 

And finally, let me ask you one thing? If you write to him, what are you hoping he will do? What do you think he CAN do?

[female1981]

oh i know how right you are sad_now. why am i doing this to myself.

 

okay, i am going try a bit of analysis.... what do i want from asking him for one hug before he leaves? i want the hug! i guess i am not thinking of what the consequences are, what might happen afterwards etc... i am just fixated on getting that hug. having one last 'special' moment with him.

 

in the last hour i have bumped into him once. i was with a couple of colleagues and he walked past. we looked at each other, looked away, looked at each other again, then i looked away really quick, i think he was about to say hello. i dont know if i am just imagining what i want to see, but when he looks at me, its like he is telling me that he still has feelings.... god i must sound so obssessed...

 

i haven't asked him for the hug. i know its awful but i am thinking about it. this is stupid, as on sunday evening i made a promise to myself that i simply would not email him, not matter how i felt as when i did email him, i was most probably just pushing him away. its only tuesday morning and look at me!

 

i know ive said it before.... but god dammit, why couldn't he be single... why couldnt he be mine. i need to stop chasing, i need to be a lady

[Sad_now]

I really feel for you. And I'm so sorry this has happened.

 

No, you don't sound obsessed. It's natural to try and read WHAT WE WANT in people's simple actions. It's just a method of coping. And if it works for you, fine.

 

So believe that he DID have feelings for you but leave it at that. Because you have to tell yourself that even if he DOES have feelings for you, he has chosen his marriage and current life over any change that would involve you. He has said as much. Whether or not he has feelings for you is, thereforeeee, irrelevant.

 

I know this is a cliche but you must accept the things you cannot change. YOU cannot end his marriage. YOU cannot force him to do anything. It has to come from HIM. And so long as it doesn't, you have to accept that it is over. As someone said here: you can plan the perfect picnic, but you can't plan the weather! You just accept it. So don't beat yourself up too much about the Whys and the Why nots. It's just needless mental energy and will yield no answer...

 

Stay strong. Just try and make it through the day. Don't think about tomorrow or anything. Just think about the next hour and how you WILL make it through today...

[female1981]

thanks again sad_now.

 

this is killing me inside. i am so in love with him... this hurts so much.

 

i wrote an email, saved it, have not sent it. but i keep reading it over and over. i know you are right. anything that happens has to come from him. part of me thinks that he feels i do not want to know as in the last email i said i wanted to move on and that i had been introduced to another guy. my married guy does not play games... he doesn't know how to! so he is probably thinking i got over him real quick.

 

part of me thinks that i should thereforeeee just send him one last honest email, saying how i feel... life is too short right? i feel i should just be honest as he is leaving soon anyway and i can get over it then..... oh i just dont know.....

[Sad_now]

as when i did email him, i was most probably just pushing him away.

 

OK, don't get me wrong - I don't mean to be judgemental here, but this quote seems to suggest (I may be wrong) that you DON'T want to push him away.

 

If the above is even 5% true, then you really need to ask what it is you want from that hug Is it really the 'last farewell hug' or is is that glimmer of hope you really crave right now?

 

Be honest with yourself. If it's the first, sure, email him and have your final goodbyes and move on with your life. But if there is even a small chance of the second being true, you need to be very careful of how you tread. Sure, hugging him will 'fix' the craving for him. But that craving's gonna come back. And then what will you do?

[female1981]

hi sad_now... no offence taken in anyway at all... i appreciate everything you say.... in response to your comment... i have to say that i am very very confused if i am totally honest. i know deep down inside that this relationship will never be, never grow, never be mine. but i do think i want to say goodbye. right now i am scared of rejection, of making a fool of myself. but i am fighting with myself because my heart tells me not be scared.. to be brave and speak the truth... take one last risk and be honest.......

[Sad_now]

Maybe his moving away from your office is a blessing in disguise.

 

If this man has realised things have gotten out of hand with you, and has tried to stop them from going further, AND doesn't play games, then he sounds like a nice enough guy. He wants space to sort his life out. Give it to him. Sometimes loving someone means letting them go. Keeping him in your life, in the manner you want, doesn't sound like it's going to make life easy for him...

 

Why don't you give yourself 2 weeks. Tell yourself you'll talk to him after 2 weeks once you're feeling more centred and sure of your feelings. If you still feel like this, talk to him. It may help. But in 2 weeks I'm sure you'll have a better idea of whether this would be wise or not.

 

(hugs)

[Sad_now]

Or if 2 weeks seems like forever, make it 10 days

[female1981]

hello again,

 

thanks again sad_now...

 

i feel like such a fool. i just went to his working area and they are all very busy packing up. they needed my assistance with something and so i was in and out a couple of times. anyway, he was there the whole time, very busy as he is in charge of organising the move. anyway, made eye contact once or twice, was very uncomfortable though as loads of other colleagues were around and so felt really really weird... but then i had this feeling that maybe he simply doesn't feel that way about me anymore. maybe he is over it.... i dont know why i felt that way... maybe its cos he is really busy and so didnt seem very bothered.... but god if that's true... it really hurts.

[female1981]

Okay guys, please don't scream. I am going to write to him again. One last email.

 

In my last few emails I have given him the impression that I am bitter towards him, hate him, expressed anger etc. I just want to make it clear that this is not the case. I don't want to part on bad terms....

 

I am quite determined to write him this email but thought I should post here first to see what you all think

[Sad_now]

From experience, I know you will probably write to him anyway I have many many times, actively ignored the best advice of my best friends! I wish I hadn't, but I did, so I can understand where you are right now and what drives you. It's the drive to just somehow maintain some form of contact.

 

Fine. If you don't want to cold turkey and this is what works for you, go ahead. Email him but just be prepared that his response will probably not give you anything to go on and will end up confusing him even more.

 

Maybe these things are better said in person. Maybe email him asking him to meet you in the cafeteria or something after lunch and then tell him your feelings and then, really, just leave it at that....

[female1981]

hi sad_now.... really appreciating you being there for me...

 

i have written it, not sent it though...

 

i would ask him to meet me, but everytime i have done that he has ignored my mail. the only way is to email him my feelings.... its a shame as i would love to tell him in person that i have never thought he was a jerk...

 

thank you a million times for your understanding and support...

 

right.... going to send that mail now...

 

wish me luck....xxx

[female1981]

aaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

ive sent it........... i dont know how i feel........

 

okay, gotta focus on something else.

 

i will not, absolutely will not stare at my inbox for a reply.......

 

its done....

[Sad_now]

I'm glad you've got it out of your system!

 

Now, you need to tell yourself and truly believe that the only reason you did this was to end things on a good note (ie not have him think for the rest of his life that you thought he was a jerk).

 

If he doesn't reply, please don't be upset. He said what he had to and you have said what you had to.

 

And I won't even tell you not to stare at the inbox. I know you will! I still sometimes just pick up my mobile to see if my ex has texted. I know I won't reply but I can't help but wonder sometimes.

 

Just know (like I know now) that you need to break free from this whole thing. Until you truly believe it, nothing will change, and unless things change, they cannot get better. I know you will come to this realisation yourself...

 

Let us know how things go!

[Sad_now]

i would ask him to meet me, but everytime i have done that he has ignored my mail.

 

Okay, I guess this should make it clear that you should not expect ANYTHING from him - and even though you've poured your heart out to him by email, PLEASE don't pin your hopes on the best reply from him.

 

To be honest, I don't know what he CAN say - he is in an awkward spot.

 

Anyway, you've said what you had to and try and keep your distance from him now.

 

Hopefully the office move should make it easier...

 

AND MAKE A PLAN WITH FRIENDS FOR THE COMING WEEKEND. STAY BUSY AND DO NOT EMAIL OR TEXT HIM now.