I don't know if this is Jealousy or not

[schmandy]

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We only knew eachother for about 8mos before getting married. We've had a whirlwind of a relationship. We met at a dating event (in person). It was NOT love at first site. But somehow, we managed to get involved in the following months of the event.

 

There was a lot of dishonesty on his part at the start of our relationship. He was still involved with a woman (12 years!) that he neglected to ever tell me about. After months of her continuing to call, I finally called her to ask what was up. She told me a lot of "truths" and some lies about him. Over time, I've come to realize (with proof) that a lot of the things she told me about were actually true: they WERE together certain times when he and I first started "dating"...

 

He refused to ever admit when she was still trying to contact him. I found these things out by seeing the caller ID, looking at his emails... After two years, we took her to court to get a restraining order. He suddenly became stupid in court and couldn't talk. We didn't get the restraining order, but the judge did tell her not to contact us anymore. To my knowledge, she hasn't. But I can't help but feeling he never did his part to try to assure that.

 

That was the start of our relationship, and I believe the root of the cause of most of our ongoing problems. Lack of trust on my part. He does lie and that means he NEVER gets the benefit of the doubt.

 

Practically every time we're in the presense of a half-decent looking woman, my husband just can't seem to control his behavior. This has included my friends, co-workers, my sister and my sister-in-law. Even in the presense of a cute friendly waitress, he'll suddenly get "in a good mood" and become very talkative. On a recent vacation tour we took, he was somehow fascinated with one woman in the 144-people and could not help himself from managing to be around her and couldn't stop looking at her even though I would warn him to watch what he was doing. It was like he was entertaining some fantasy of a union between the two of them.

 

I've had talks with two different therapists about my reaction to his behavior. I do not imagine things. I do not exaggerate things. The things that are happening are REAL.

 

I've told him before, I don't care how other women or other people act. They can do whatever they want. But I expect him to be able to control himself and to be able to control a situation.

 

Women find him very attentive and often times women like the attention. He keeps an interaction going and says later "yeah, she was flirting with me." But will never admit to his part. He'll say, "I didn't want to be rude to her" but yet fails to understand how in return, he's rude to ME when he continues to participate in a flirting interaction.

 

I get INFURIATED with his past behaviors and his lack of selfcontrol. He insists that he doesn't know what he's doing. But it's like it's planned behavior now. He knows I'll be watching him and he usually waits until I'm preoccupied with something to "make his moves."

 

He doesn't want to participate in any social events because he says he knows it will end up in a fight. When I insist he comes to events, he usually tries to avoid everyone and sits alone not talking. This is not what I want. Even then, the last function he came to with me, he sat apart from everyone for most of the day. Then, when I was involved in a conversation with some people, I looked over and saw him giving a 2-minute eye-to-eye "come hither" look to one of my coworkers! I was apalled! I could see what his look was saying and I'm sure she was getting the same impression. It's one thing to take looks at people, but it's another to take a prolonged, deliberate glare!

 

His behaviors has affected my relationships with other people. Not only do I get furious with him, but I have also gotten furious with other family and friends for their participation. No one will admit what happens.

 

I honestly don't believe I'm the "jealous" type. None of these women have ever presented any threats to me before their interactions with my husband. I have no reason to dislike them for anything else. But I have very strong beliefs about right and wrong. And I believe there's a way you should act in a marriage and even a way you should act towards a married member of the opposite sex.

 

I think that a lot of ego is involved with my husband's need to interact like this. Sometimes I think his mother (who's now an old maid, but has been married 4 times) acted like that when he was growing up and he thinks it acceptable. I haven't found a justifiable answer to why he does what he does.

 

I've written to his therapist a couple of times to tell my point of view and encourage him to work out some of these issues that affect our marriage so negatively. On rare occasion, my husband has admitted that he possibly has a problem, but neglects to work on it.

 

I don't want to have negative feelings against people because of their interactions with my husband. Do you think I'm Jealous???

 

What do you guys think? Thanks for reading this till the end. I know it's long. I'd appreciate your comments good or bad.

[kafka]

I've had talks with two different therapists about my reaction to his behavior.

And what have they said?

[schmandy]

the first therapist, my husband was there for the conversation. The therapist said, "it sounds inappropriate to me." But my husband didn't want to participate in the conversation where he felt he was being bashed. The therapist, after months of seeing him, eventually told me that my husband was like our fix-er-up house "he will need to be rebuilt room by room. As time goes on, you'll likely uncover more things that need to be fixed." He didn't suspect our relationship would last.

 

My most recent therapist says that my husband has signs of arrested development. That my husband needs to "own" his behavior before he will start to change it. He talked something about my husband's problem being a certain personality type (something-or-other) that is one of the most difficult things to change about a person.

 

That's why I keep insisting to my husband that he work on it himself with his own therapist. Maybe he can admit things to his therapist that he can't admit to me. Does he think he wants to pursue these other women? Does he sometimes wish he were single? Does he like the attention? Does it make him feel good? ??? All I know is that it is delibitating to our marital relationship. This is not behavior I will tolerate in any way, shape or form from MY husband. Maybe other women would, but I won't.

[tylercdurden2004]

The second therapist sounds like a better value at this point. Yes your husband and everyone for that matter needs to own their behaviour before they can change it.

 

Fixing someone is a life long headache.

[southerngirl]

Question is, is he worth it for you to try to fix? You only live once. Thats for you to decide how much of this you are willing to take, if he is nto willing to face up to the problem to try to fix it.

[kafka]

schmandy, it is difficult to know what to say. I rather agree with the previous poster.

This is not behavior I will tolerate in any way, shape or form from MY husband.

But you have been tolerating it, more or less, for over 3 years now. Haven't you?

 

I'm no therapist but just off the top of my head I'll guess that he is getting some kind of validation from these encounters.

 

One thing is for sure, if your husband doesn't think he has a problem then it ain't gonna get fixed.

[schmandy]

I think the marriage is definitely worth fighting for. He's been like this since I met him - so it's not new behavior. Probably all his life he's been like this.

 

Does it sound like I'm just being "jealous"?

 

I had a talk with my Mom about it today -- about why my sister and I are not very close. I told her I think my sister has been a bit selfish and I proceeded to tell her about my sister's past interaction with my husband that angered me. My sister got a boob job about 5years ago and I have noticed a definite change in her personality since then -- especially around men. She seems very confident of herself and flirtatious around men. And I will not tolerate anyone - sister or not - thinking it's okay to flirt with my husband. If she wants to be like that, she can stay around her own type. She'll be talking to me long distance only if she thinks she can come in to my house and be the center of my husband's attention.

 

My Mom seems to think I have a jealousy problem. That women don't act any different around my husband because she hasn't seen it. I know part of this problem is the fact that my husband participates in these interactions - REPEATEDLY.

 

I agree that it seems he gets some kind of validation out of these experiences. What exactly that validation is, I'm not certain. Whether it's that he's attractive enough for someone to pay attention to, or that I react to it???

 

He does agree most of the time (I had another conversation with him today about it) that it's an issue - but I guess it's just been on the back burner. His main response is just to try to avoid any social interaction so he won't get out of line. But that doesn't work so well with me. I'd like to have a normal life and interact with all kinds of people. Without having my husband send out weird signals to people.

 

Perhaps I'm insecure in some ways. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have left his @ss a long time ago. But I think mainly it's his lack of confidence: he's 42 years old! He should have played out his chances/possibilities long ago. Sometimes it's like he's still playing the field.

 

I just don't even know where to take this from here. None of the therapists thought that my feelings/reactions to things that have happened were out of the norm. The first therapist I'm sure was sick of me. He said it seems all I wanted was validation that my feelings were normal - and he said they were. My latest therapist seems to feel sorry for me when I tell him things. He says I should go to his therapist to explain the situation in the hopes that the two of them can work things out in his individual therapy. Otherwise, he says, my husband is probably making me out to be some jealous, complaining wife.

 

When his ex kept contacting us, we finally wrote her a letter, sent it certified, telling her not to contact him anymore. In court, she told the judge that she did get the letter, but that he called her afterwards and told her not to worry about it - that I was just jealous and forced him to send it.

 

Oh, I don't know!

[Hope75]

I think the marriage is definitely worth fighting for. He's been like this since I met him - so it's not new behavior. Probably all his life he's been like this.

 

Here's what I have trouble with.

 

You say he was like this when you met him, and you suspect he's been this way all along. And yet you married him, as he was. Now, you say you won't tolorate that kind of behavior from your husband. But you married him, and he was like this when you did- this was not a surprise, it was not something you walked into blind.

 

And now you want to change him.

 

I agree with you that it's not acceptable for a married man to act as he is, but I also think you saw this coming and knew how he was... and I don't think he's going to change now. Are you prepared to accept this for what it is, or walk away?

[schmandy]

Yes, I have seen this behavior from the beginning, but I have NEVER tolerated it. I was prepared at different points to walk away. But of course, he does and says the minimal necessary at the time to make things better.

 

You are right - I do expect him to change. I expect him to realize how detrimental this is to our relationship and how it would be to any normal relationship. He needs help with that. He needs help with a lot of things.

 

We got married because I got pregnant. Personally, I don't believe much in divorce. It would have been very easy to divorce him. I had so many reasons why divorce would benefit me rather than stay in this marriage. But that would be easy to say for any marriage.

 

I married him because I do love him. If I deserted him, I would just be an extension of his parents. I know he's learned lessons from the mistakes he's made, but he hasn't quite learned to control/prevent them from happening again and again.

 

If you marry someone who farts in your presense, do you now have to live with that smell for the rest of your life? I don't think it so unreasonable to expect people to change certain things in their married life. Do you have the perfect marriage?

[Hope75]

Yes, I have seen this behavior from the beginning, but I have NEVER tolerated it. I was prepared at different points to walk away. But of course, he does and says the minimal necessary at the time to make things better.

But you married him. Perhaps verbally you disapproved of what he was doing, but with your actions (staying, marrying him), you showed him that you were accepting him, as he was, as he is.

 

I'm not saying it's right. I'd be seriously considering a seperation if my husband was behaving like yours is now, and he wasn't willing to work on things with me. I don't think you should have to accept it.

 

But I am saying that I fear that now, your options are limited. I don't think he is going to change, I don't think he is willing- I get the impression you don't either, from your frustration in your posts.

 

So my question is, what are your other options?

 

And no, I don't have a 'perfect' relationship, I don't know anyone who does. I've lived with my bf for 4 years, and we have had ups and downs too. The issue here is that your hubby doesn't seem willing to work with you to change things. That's what worries me.

[southerngirl]

If you marry someone who farts in your presense, do you now have to live with that smell for the rest of your life? I don't think it so unreasonable to expect people to change certain things in their married life. Do you have the perfect marriage?

To answer your question, I feel that yes you must then go on with fart smells all over the place. You marry someone you accept them as they are with no changing.

 

No, I dont have the perfect marriage, I do not believe this exists. But, I have love, and I love him. We get along well.

 

Understanding and acceptance should be one part of any good relationship. Some people are just flirtatious by nature.

 

Something else disturbs me about your situation, you got married because you were pregnant? Thats alot of responsibility to be placed on a young child I say.

 

You should have got married because you loved him as a person. Truly were ready to begin your life together, because when the kids are grown and gone you still have eachother.

 

Why are you so insecure if he pays attention to those of the opposite sex? He is with you. He is not with them. He chose you. He shares your bed each night.

 

Its quite possible that if you keep hounding him to change, he will leave. Then you will have lost it all.

[schmandy]

I lost the first pregnancy, if it's of any consolation to your worries about the child. And we married because we did and do love eachother.

 

I don't hold your belief that you marry someone just as they are. That you live smelling farts for the rest of your life. Maybe that's how you're happy living. There are compromises in every relationship. Flirting is not a compromise I am willing to make.

 

I'd actually prefer you not answer any more of my posts. I find you to be quite offending.

[southerngirl]

Many people would agree that you should not try to change your partner. If you knew this going into the marriage you should accept him for how he is.

 

Sorry if it offends you that I dont agree with you.

[schmandy]

You're right on one thing - that you and I are not going to agree on the statement that I should not try to change him. I don't wish to argue with you about that point anymore. Thanks, but no thanks.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone schmandy.

 

do you two have a couple's therapist you go to TOGETHER?

 

I think there are several big problems here. The first was that he started off the relationship with you being unfaithful to you and his ex. And then in court, he suddenly went "stupid." When push came to shove, he didn't support you in court.

 

And now about the ogling of women.... well, like others have said, some people are more naturally flirtatious than others. And some people think it's ok, and others do not. I personally have no problem with men I am with if they look at other women, and for whatever reason, the men I am with NEVER look at other women when we are out together.

 

It's interesting how we attract the people we do....

 

anyways, i hope you don't get offended, but I got the impression from reading your posts that it is as if your husband is a dog you are walking on a leash, and he is a misbehaving dog that you have to pull away from sniffing all the fire hydrants and jumping on strangers. It seems like you are putting a lot of effort in trying to control and curb his behaviors (ie, staying away from your sister, staying away from sitations where he may hit on women), but it doesn't sound like he is doing anything to help the situation.

 

i mean, you can try to make him act one way or another, but he has to WANT to change. You need to convince him that it is in his best interest to not ogle other women in front of you.

 

If I were in your shoes, like Hope said, I would probably say, hey - either we go to counseling and come to a compromise that works, or I'm out the door.

 

What is good in your marriage? What is it you are trying to save?

[schmandy]

There's actually 95% of good things in our relationship. It's not perfect, and I'd have to say the female issue is our biggest problem of all. Unfortunately, it affects a big part of it.

 

I do not avoid social situations. I crave them. It is my husband who avoids them, for fear he will upset me with his behavior. It really is like he just can't help himself.

 

We have gone to marital counseling. The first guy demanded that we bring an 8 1/2x11 legal yellow notebook to take notes - no ordinary paper would do. We needed exactly a yellow legal pad. Then, we should write down everything he says verbatim and go home and follow it. He assured us that my husband had ADD. That was the last time we went to him.

 

The next marriage counselor we went to was a gay man. No offense, but I just found that a bit odd. I get very heated talking about this issue and it seemed the counselor's intent to have my husband "speak up". We were screaming in the office - another counselor came over and knocked on the door to make sure everything was alright. Just didn't feel right to return to this counselor.

 

I initially went to counseling alone to try to deal with why I felt so angry at my husband at times. I'm not normally an angry person. We had a session together with this counselor, but my husband felt he needed individual therapy. So he has been seeing his own individual therapist.

 

It's not easy finding a good therapist, especially one who specializes in marital issues.

 

From these posts, it probably sounds like this is a burning issue with us. It was brought back to issue today because I had discussed it with my mother. I started doing some searches on "marital behavior" etc., and found this site, so I decided to post my "problem". But please don't think that my marriage is a total waste. This is just the worst quirk in it.

 

I think everyone has basically answered my main question: that you don't think I'm simply "jealous" - or at least it's not without reason. The fact that I look back and see that he makes no distinction between my friends, coworkers and relatives still bothers me.

 

He is somewhat willing to work on this issue. Not as quickly or as resolutely as I'd prefer - but that's his style. Since posting here, I've talked with him again about this issue today. He does admit he has a problem defining boundaries. What else he can do about it today, I'm not even sure of.

 

Please don't let me mislead about my relationship with him. We do have a healthy and happy marriage. We are currently pregnant with an IVF baby. So believe me, we've had plenty of time to think about our lives and about bringing another person into it and we paid dearly for that gift. The marriage isn't worth throwing out the window because of this issue (YET!). But it is, as you can tell, of great concern to me.

 

I've told him in the past that I will not change the way I see or react to these issues. I've told him that if he does not start to change, then we will continue to have problems. I don't think I will "have lost everything" if the marriage goes sour because of this. It is not something I am willing to compromise on. But our relationship is not currently tetering on this issue either. It's just a background problem.

 

Call it control if you like. Yes, I do attempt to control our dogs from gooseing people in the @ss when they come over. And I expect to be able to curb their behavior. Likewise, I expect that if my husband is doing something that I consider uncivilized, he will come to understand and accept my aversion to it, thus changing his behavior. I don't wish a puppy-dog of a husband. But I think there are things you can change about people. If your s.o. drives reckless, do you just doom yourself to a life on the edge? Or do you speak up? I think it just plain stupid otherwise.

[annie24]

We have gone to marital counseling. The first guy demanded that we bring an 8 1/2x11 legal yellow notebook to take notes - no ordinary paper would do. We needed exactly a yellow legal pad. Then, we should write down everything he says verbatim and go home and follow it. He assured us that my husband had ADD. That was the last time we went to him.

 

This sounds like it was part of some psychological test. He may have been doing that to see if you would follow this order, or if you would question it, or whatever. I think he was trying to get some kind of insight into your life views. (My aunt is a psychiatrist, she does little things like this at times.....)

 

How ironic.... in the background, on the TV is "Sex and the City" and the topic was "Can you change a man?" (And the conclusion was no )

 

In tricky situations, my old college roommate would say to me, "you know what it is you need to do...." she just meant to follow your heart, or your gut instinct and just go with that. If you feel you need to stick it out, and keep looking for a new therapist, go with that.

 

have you read the Mars/Venus books? I think you should really try a new way of communicating with your husband because what you are doing now doesn't seem to be working. i think you may need a new angle before he "gets it." (or you get tired of this behavior and you walk out.)

[schmandy]

So my question is, what are your other options?

 

 

My only option is to hope he will understand my feelings on this behavior and learn to act appropriately. Otherwise, we'll continue to butt heads over this. What other options do you see me having?

 

I think suggesting someone walk out of a relationship, based solely on what I've written here, is a bit extreme.

 

I'd sincerely like to see my husband behave appropriately. And I'd like it if I didnt ever have to think twice that he was doing the right thing.

[annie24]

My only option is to hope he will understand my feelings on this behavior and learn to act appropriately. Otherwise, we'll continue to butt heads over this. What other options do you see me having?

 

well, everyone has different definitions of "appropriate behavior." I know this firsthand. what one person thinks is alright, another person would not be ok with. or even strongly against!

 

it is too bad you guys didn't resolve this issue before you got married - it's a big one!!!

 

he'll only change if he WANTS to change and thinks that it is in his own best interest.

 

how are you going to motivate him to change?

[schmandy]

Well today, after getting upset over the whole issue again after I spoke with my mother, I told him I want him to discuss this with his therapist and if he needs me to, I'll go with him to his therapist.

 

He knows that I love him. But he also knows how much these things affect me. I honestly don't believe he wants me to be hurt by anything. It's hard to "motivate" someone to change their personality.

 

He's a nice guy. I know that he tries to be nice to most people, but he does cross the "nice" line too often with certain women. He says he knows he gets "out of line" and needs to learn when he's crossing that line.

 

I don't know how else to "motivate" him to work more on this. Simply nagging him more than I already do won't do anything for now. I really think he needs therapy help uncover his actions.

[Hope75]

Call it control if you like. Yes, I do attempt to control our dogs from gooseing people in the @ss when they come over. And I expect to be able to curb their behavior. Likewise, I expect that if my husband is doing something that I consider uncivilized, he will come to understand and accept my aversion to it, thus changing his behavior. I don't wish a puppy-dog of a husband. But I think there are things you can change about people. If your s.o. drives reckless, do you just doom yourself to a life on the edge? Or do you speak up? I think it just plain stupid otherwise.

 

I think my concern with this is that your hubby has been this way since BEFORE you met him, all through your courtship, and now your entire marriage as well. You have had an issue with it all along (which I would too- we agree on that part!), but have been pretty unsuccessful in your quest to 'change' his behaviour. But you did stay and marry him, and so, he likely feels that because of these actions, that your words (asking/requesting/demanding he stop oogling and flirting) carry little weight because you contradicted them when you took him as your husband. You accepted him as your partner.

 

In my experience, a person does not change their behaviour unless it is something that THEY want to do, that they value, and thereforeeee will put the effort and consistancy into it. I'm not sure, but it sounds like your hubby is having alot of fun flirting around with people, and you are having alot of grief trying to keep him under control (keeping your sister away from him, for example.) How much, right now, do you think he values putting a stop to this behaviour?

[kafka]

Have you ever spoken to one of the women to see what their take is on his advances? Have they felt uncomfortable? Do they think he is out of line for a married man?

 

I'm not trying to belittle your feelings on this matter. I'm just wondering if now you've become so sensitized to this that even an innocent gesture on his part sets you off and he's left floundering and not knowing what to do or say in any given social situation which involves other women.

[schmandy]

It's quite possible that I am at the point where I overreact to things. And I've admitted that to him. But he should understand that this is and has been a very sensitive issue to me from the start - and I would think he would use caution, which he lacks.

 

I guess I probably consider myself as one of the types who initially tries to ignore what happens. By the time something happens where I confront someone about it - it's not a very pleasant scene. And no, they don't have much defense because at that point I'm very angry.

 

It's not so much that my husband is always crossing the line - but he just lets friendliness get a little out of hand. When we're at a party and he's standing by my friend more than he's with me and dances with her when I go to the bathroom "because she was standing all alone" - I find that a bit inappropriate. Especially considering our history with this subject. We had eloped and my family threw us a little reception with about 30 people. For the only thing I had as a "reception" he made no attempt to talk with anyone. But then when I was playing with my nephew, I walk into a room and find him and my pregnant sister-in-law in a jovial conversation and his body language is just a bit too friendly. He immediately stops laughing when I walk into the room and almost chokes. Of all the people he could chat with there, he chooses to corner her in a side room??? I could go on and on and on... You'll probably say, that sounds pretty innocent, but when the exact same situation happens repeatedly, the chances of coincidence get slimmer.

 

From the very first time we had this type of an incident, it was an argument and I just wanted him to go away at that point. I was wicked mean to him and felt very bad in the morning. He admitted then that "maybe I was a bit out of line too." But since then, he rarely has admitted that he's been at fault.

 

He went from the type that never even wanted to look in the mirror, to a person who can't take his eyes off himself in a mirror - where it's annoying in a conversation because if there's a mirror involved, he'll never look at you while talking to you.

 

I'd have to say I've cleaned him up a bit. I've fixed his hair. I've dressed him. I've tried as hard as I can to make him an honest person. He's probably going through some identity issues - I just don't know...

 

Anyways, I guess what I was really looking for here was that I'm not insane to react the way I do over his behaviors. Despite whether some of you think I should accept him "because he was already like that" is a different issue, which I'm not even willing to argue about any further.

 

If you have suggestions on how I can "encourage" him to work on this, that would be helpful. But any further slandering about why I should now accept this will not even be responded to.

 

Thanks.

[talo]

If you have suggestions on how I can "encourage" him to work on this, that would be helpful. But any further slandering about why I should now accept this will not even be responded to.

 

Do you think your husband is just baiting you with his reponses? That he is encouraged by your non-acceptance of this? That he thinks it a great game? That him and your sister have a good laugh about this?

 

Sometimes the best way to encourage people is to respond. What if you did not respond?

[schmandy]

Honestly, sometimes I don't think my husband realizes exactly what he is doing. He just "responds" to his instincts. He's had a problem with immediate gratification. He's been self-employed for about 20 years and really hasn't had a lot of social interaction, especially with women. He does think he's just being "nice" to people.

 

I think that some people have ego issues, including my husband. That some people like attention. That's fine, but it's just not something you do to or as a married man. And it's just plain inappropriate many times.

 

We've been in a grocery store and he'll try to strike up a conversation with a woman about something she is picking off the shelf. Sometimes these women look at him like, "you freak." Some women respond and he continues to carry a conversation with them. To me, it's just weird. It makes me feel uncomfortable to be with him when he does this. He can't see that many times his "friendliness" is actually more flirtatious.

 

And don't get me wrong, his behavior of this type doesn't extend to everyone. He'll barely look a fat woman in the eye if she speaks to him. But he'll almost do a 360 if he catches a glimpse of someone that he thinks "she was looking at me."

 

I've caught him on the phone with the cable company talking in a very seductive voice, trying to get cable changes made. Maybe he thinks he gets more accomplished with this??? He says, "it's probably some fat person on the phone anyway". I say it's just inappropriate. You don't do any kind of business that way.

 

He told me at the start of our relationship that he had "a few romances with roommates". At the time, he had a female roommate and let me tell you, their relationship was strange! He said nothing had ever happened between them, but he would never admit to me if something had. He said, "she's attracted to me, but I'm not into her." I've heard that from him before. He can't see what he's actually contributing! He had set up a phone account for her in his name, let her use her deposit as rent and she ended up stiffing him after she moved out. These are things that, my husband as a Jew (no offense intended), you just don't extend to people. When he was going to rent out his guest house to another female, I told him I didn't think we should see eachother anymore. That the type of "help" he was willing to do for females just made me too uncomfortable and I didn't want to go through the same stuff with another female. Since then, he has not rented to another female. So, there have been some small changes.

 

My family was in town for a family wedding a couple of years ago. From the start, my husband was running around trying to do things for my sister. They were engaging in conversations and in the morning it pissed me off when she was talking with him in her nightgown and I saw him looking at her boobs. I had talk with him about how he needed to watch his behavior around her. At the wedding, we were all drinking and I guess his behavior was a little less controlled. His first instinct was to look directly to her for everything. And a couple of times I caught the two of them looking at eachother smiling. Yeah, it could have been innocent, but he was already in the doghouse. You think he could have watched what he was doing?? I went bezerk. I just lost it, yelling at him, pushing him. My sister immediately started saying, "okay, let's just go outside..." I just pushed her away too, I was so pissed. My husband and I left the wedding and had a huge fight. At the time, I felt like "I don't want you anymore. If you can't help yourself from acting more like you're someone elses husband than mine..." My sister stayed with my cousin after that.

 

My sister will laugh about how she flirts with her own husband's brother when she gets drunk. She thinks it's funny. At other times she'll talk furiously about her friend was flirting with her husband and how pissed off she gets. And I simply tell her, look at how you act yourself! You think it's alright when you do it to someone else.

 

It's an ego thing with her, I know. She had never acted like that before. She lost her first husband to cancer and went through a very tough time. I used to go out with her to bars so she could meet people, but she never really did. Then she got a boob job and her outlook on life changed forever. Since that time she's been a totally different person. And if her current husband tolerates that, that's fine. My Mother said, "her husband never complains about her behavior" - but I'm not her husband and I won't tolerate that.

 

But again, it really shouldn't matter to me how most people act. I could care less if some floozy comes and tries to hit on my husband. What matters to me is how HE reacts.

 

I do think that he realizes he has a problem defining the boundaries. I'm not quite sure how to help him to work out these issues better. I've tried to do the best I can to get him to change, not just for me, but for himself. I think he acts like a schmuck.

 

I try to handle the situations like managers handle their employees: you talk to them immediately about the situation. You talk with them in private about it. But the one thing I don't do is I do get emotional about it. I have never tolerated this behavior or "put up with it" as many people seem to think. He has no reason to believe that it will ever be okay to act this way.

 

If you guys have any ideas on better ways that I can help him to get over this, I'd be willing to listen. But if you think "you can't change him" or "divorce him" then please just don't answer.

 

Thanks again to anyone realistically trying to help me.