It kind of bothers me that he's involved with porn.... but WHY?!?!?!?!

[Baby Carrot]

I'm no prude and I don't blush easily when it comes to sexuality and its industry (porn). I don't even have moral conflicts about it... I personally think there are way worst things in the world than that. Like killing animals for fun, for example.

 

I recently found out that the guy I've been cyber dating is involved with porn. He's no model/performer. But he's into filming/directing and crap like that. Easy money he says. Is not his main job, he does it when he needs extra cash in order to finance other non porn projects of his, or something like that. He's no Seymore Butts LOL But still...

 

I feel ill of imagining the complete picture... him, there, near some prostitutes getting it on for the cam.

 

This is waaaaaaaaay beyond than the good old fashioned "I'm upset because my BF likes to watch porn"... This is not watching it from a screen... is being there, infront of it and capturing it with a camera.

 

I sense I might have bigger issues in the future with this if the relationship evolves. I don't know how big or how deep... But for some reason I'm not completely cool with it. Maybe is just a job and I'm being silly about it?

 

Why do we STILL have so many issues when it comes to sexuality?

 

I thought this was 2006 not 1812...

[zummyum]

I'd be weirded out, too. What if he tried to direct your real life sexual encounters?

 

A little to the left . . . no, right . . . no, lift your leg . . . aak!

 

I don't know, can people in the porn industry separate real sex from the directed kind?

[Batya33]

This is fairly simple. First of all cyber dating is not real dating so you are not in a dating or romantic relationship with him. You have now discovered that you are incompatible with respect to some important values of yours. Be thankful that you learned this now and take it as a lesson to not get attached to typing and talking with someone in advance of meeting in person. Whether any of us would be ok with it (I certainly would not be for two reasons - the porn and his justification "easy money" - I don't respect that type of reasoning) is irrelevant. Know yourself and your boundaries and that makes the answer simple.

[colors]

Well I totally agree with you.

Thing is, there isn't any advice that will better this matter.

You aren't cool with his job....That's understandable & rather serious since that's a huge part of him who he is. And displays what he will do for money(I doubt the only reason he does it).

As the relationship evolves your feelings will grow deeper & stronger.and it will be the root of many problems in the future.

Listen to your gut, it's not happy with this. Get out now, your gut knows best

[Honey Pumpkin]

I recently found out that the guy I've been cyber dating is involved with porn. He's no model/performer. But he's into filming/directing and crap like that. Easy money he says.

 

I feel ill of imagining the complete picture... him, there, near some prostitutes getting it on for the cam.

 

Erm, I couldn't cope with it, to be honest. I don't know, it's difficult, because I'm trying to think honestly about this. I have been out with men who were very fond of porn. But somehow this is that step further, and for me, I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

 

That said, a lot of very respected directors (Martin Scorsese, I *think*) did start out directing soft porn, because it was all the work they could get. So I don't know - but I couldn't cope.

 

Good luck!

[Orlander]

If you are looking for a poll (excuse the pun) of those who would be opposed to dating someone who worked in the porn industry then put me down as one of the opposed.

 

Ultimately, if it bothers you then it's wrong...at least wrong for you. In my opinion there are plenty of great guys out there who don't beat animals OR direct people having sex on film for a living.

 

 

Orlander

[Baby Carrot]

That said, a lot of very respected directors (Martin Scorsese, I *think*) did start out directing soft porn, because it was all the work they could get. So I don't know - but I couldn't cope.

 

That's oh so sweet you to mention Pumpkin...

 

Just for the record, is not like his main job... is not all he does for living. He basically has many other projects going on -that are not porn-. Documentaries, production of various filmed stuff. But this is like a shortcut in order to get money to finance his other non porn projects.

 

Gee... I'm not trying to justify it.

 

And I'm not gonna make moral judgements about this either. I think pornography is an industry, like many others. Sex sells, subtle or hardcore... is everywhere.

 

I'm just trying to find out what exactly is botherting me about it, if it's not about rigid morals and values....-because is not- then what is it? I'm open minded, but for some reason, it bothers me...

 

Maybe I'm more conservative than I thought? Good oportunity to know myself and my boundaries better uh....

[Baby Carrot]

Ultimately, if it bothers you then it's wrong...at least wrong for you.

 

It bothers me... and I don't know exactly why. I'm not making any rigid moral judgements, and I don't reduce porn to "wrong". Is more like is bugging me. Is not wrong like "killing animals" wrong. Now that would be a reason of termination for me.

[Day_Walker]

It sounds like a dealbreaker for you. If that is truly how you feel about his job then you already have an idea that it wont work unless he changes jobs

[Baby Carrot]

It sounds like a dealbreaker for you. If that is truly how you feel about his job then you already have an idea that it wont work unless he changes jobs

 

He has several other jobs, and my post is basically about that I don't know exactly how I feel about this or why does it bugs me. Cuz I don't have moral/religious issues or anything like that. Is like... why should it bug me? At the end of the day is a product like any other.

 

Calling it a dealbreaker and send him to hell just because "porn is wrong" seems kind of lame. I'm trying to explore first what exactly bugs me, and if it can be fixed somehow, instead of the common knee jerk reaction...

[Anna.]

This is fairly simple. First of all cyber dating is not real dating so you are not in a dating or romantic relationship with him.

 

 

I don't think that's fair batya.

[ReadyorNot]

I would NOT be ok with this and I think you are right... you will have bigger issues with this in the future...

 

I would just say get out before you become too attached to the guy... you cant ask him stop working so just get out.

[Baby Carrot]

I would NOT be ok with this and I think you are right... you will have bigger issues with this in the future...

 

I would NOT be ok with this and I think you are right... you will have bigger issues with this in the future...

 

I know. I kind of see it coming. But I'm also trying to figure out what are those "issues" made of. That's my main concern I think.

 

Is it that we are pre-conditioned to think like that? Most of us are basically told that "porn is wrong", "porn is for dirty and disgusting people", "people that are involved with the world of pornography are pretty much the scum of earth and you should avoid them at all costs".

 

So the knee jerk reaction I was talking about was that exactly. Run hard in the opposite direction when you bump into someone that has to do with it. Like, automatically. Cuz they told you is wrong, is dirty, is disgusting, is demeaning, etc, etc. And you´ll be tainted forever if you don´t run.

 

But, at the same time, you are told to enjoy your sexuality, that there´s nothing wrong with watching a lil´porn once in a while, that is harmless, that you´re only exercising your right to explore erotism, that getting aroused by it is totally cool...

 

And I say to myself... Why exactly is cool to watch it and buy it but is not so cool making it? Why is so cool spending money on it, but is not cool making money out of it?

 

That´s completely hypocritical IMO.

 

I'm not gonna deffend or bash those who are involved with it. I'm noone to do that.

 

But I do want to make an observation: they wouldn´t be there doing it if there were no people hungry for sex, buying it like crazy. So it takes both parts for it to be the successful business that it is. Is totally 50/50, is a circle.

 

Then, why exactly the buyers and the consumers are this super open minded goodie-goodies that are just being cool and liberal, while the filmers and actors are this super evil tainted entities with no morals or justifications for what they do?

 

Just wondering. Is really interesting to confront and analyze this kind of issues instead of just running away from them like they tell you to...

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I'd be disturbed because he's encouraging a sick industry.

 

I'd rather go out with a career murderer/hired hitman.

 

I'm actually not joking.

[Ixtapa]

It would bother me also for the simple reason that I am not into porn myself and would prefer to be with a guy who is not into it either (well, once in a great while is ok but making money out of it....hum, not my thing).

 

Again, it is not for moral reasons, not judging people who enjoy porn or anything...but that kind of person would not be compatible with me.

 

About the money thing...I would make much more money as an escort or stripper to pay for my studies...but I'm just not willing to do that kind of thing just for the money. Also if he got used to making easy money doing this type of job, might be difficult for him to stop

[Baby Carrot]

I'd rather go out with a career murderer/hired hitman.

Pornography is sick...

Murder is... more tolerable than pornography? And less sick, let's say healthy? Woah... How come they don´t put you in jail for filming or performing porn?

 

But that kind of person would not be compatible with me.

What if you discover you are compatible with someone and THEN you find out about this... Do you automatically stop being compatible? Is not that easy... compatibility remains... even with this kind of bump in the road...

 

Also if he got used to making easy money doing this type of job, might be difficult for him to stop

That´s true. Yikes.

[Ixtapa]

Well...about compatibility...I just know that it might be a deal breaker for me (although I don't know since I am not in the situation and I've compromised on many things in previous relationships).

 

Compatibility is never 100% and compromise is key to having a healthy and happy relationship. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you can live with him working in the porn industry (even if infrequently) or not. Maybe your awkwardness doesnt have that much to do with the porn in itself, but more about the fact that he is dealing/meeting up with lots of (gorgeous) girls ??!!

[Baby Carrot]

I guess you just have to ask yourself if you can live with him working in the porn industry (even if infrequently) or not.

I think my immediate answer would be "No way! Go to hell! I don´t stand that! What the hell do you think you´re doing!!!" But at the same time it feels childish and shallow... like I should have more profound and sensible reasons to send someone to hell in that way. Sheesh, it'd be way easier if I was a prude...

 

Maybe your awkwardness doesnt have that much to do with the porn in itself, but more about the fact that he is dealing/meeting up with lots of (gorgeous) girls ??!!

Yeah, that also wanna makes me have another knee jerk reaction like "OMG! If you´re so into it, why don´t you just date one of that sl***!!! Screw it! I don´t have to take that crap!" But again, it feels childish and like a tantrum. Doing that is not cheating, is a really ackward way of making money. Thanks society, thanks for educating us like that, with pre conceived MAJOR issues about sexuality. Thanks also to the church, for brainwashing people and telling them sex is dirty. OMG this is all their fault! If they hadn't stablish that stupidities, pornography wouldn't be such a great business... DANG!!!!!

 

Would it be as ackward to date a gynaecologist or a plastic surgeon that lives from making gorgeous women even more gorgeous? Or an erotic photographer?

 

Sigh...

 

BTW, thanks for the great insight Ixtapa, hugs

[Batya33]

I don't think that's fair batya.

 

Sure it is - my definition of dating - and seems to be fairly accepted by everyone I know - is doing activities or spending time in person with a member of the opposite sex (or if you are lesbian/homosexual with a member of the same sex) where the intention is not purely platonic but romantic. Typing and talking means there is no in person time. If you say you're "dating" someone people presume that even if it is long distance, you have spent in person time together. Furthermore, I do not think it is possible to know whether you are compatible romantically with another person until you have spent consistent in person time together.

 

You have no idea if there is chemistry, attraction, what the person's vibes, body language, energy, mannerisms, manners, habits are from typing or talking. You have no idea if he slouches in public, leans over the table and invades your space, has half his face paralyzed, is rude to waiters or waitresses, how he is with his family, friends, co-workers, the stranger asking for money, the stranger who bumps into him on the street, makes eye contact with you, with others, has good personal hygiene - all the hundreds of things that determine - and more - whether you are compatible romantically (I used those examples as real life examples of my experiences doing on line dating, where I would click on email/phone and then there would be no click in person).

 

I think you can have a real friendship with a person you have never met in person - like penpals, etc but romantic relationship - if you've never met you are "in love" with an image and the fantasy of it all - you might feel the same in reality but there's just as much chance that you will not.

[Batya33]

I think it's all well and good to re-evaluate your reasons for being turned off or uncomfortable but taken too far, you end up ignoring your deep held beliefs and values and convincing yourself that it doesn't bother you when it does. It doesn't matter if you draw the line at porn, others draw the line at plastic surgery, others are ok with pot smoking, others are not. What is so important though is self-respect and consistency - not changing with the wind just so you can have a man in your life, or even certain friends. For example, I once rejected a guy who made a lot of $ but made it by basically scamming poor people out of their money - a pyramid scheme. Since I do not seek out rich people it matters to me how someone makes his money. I found how he made his money unethical so I did not agree to see him again. Likewise, I will not date someone who now smokes pot or uses any illegal drugs, who drinks excessively and no I would not date someone who works in the porn industry.

 

We could have interesting debates about "why" that is and whether I should reevalute these values but since I am perfectly comfortable with my level of discomfort with these types of activities and I have a self-image and an image with my colleagues, family, friends, etc that would be inconsistent with me being affiliated with someone in the porn industry I don't need to engage in endless debate about "why" I draw the line there.

 

My question is - why are you doubting your core values and does all this debate really make you feel comfortable with going forward with someone who is involved in porn? That is all that matters. Be thankful that this person is still a complete stranger to you (you've never met in person) for romantic purposes - this way you are not as attached and don't have to worry about STDs, etc.

[Baby Carrot]

OK, I think I made up my mind.

 

I don´t think I can deal with it. I'm not gonna judge. God, Zeus or whoever they believe in, bless all those good men and women that literally work hard their butts off to make a quality product in order to fulfill society's hunger for kinkiness.

 

I can spend the next 5 months in therapy trying to figure out why I'm not totally cool with it. And I may even discover it. And try to rationalize and deal with it, and repeat to myself is no biggie. It may not be, but I guess is simply just something I just don´t wanna have to deal with or go through.

 

"...there are plenty of great guys out there who don't beat animals OR direct people having sex on film for a living..."

 

Veeeeerrrrrry true Why should I try and embrace this like if this was the last dude on earth?

 

There's an abyss between "Eeeeek I don´t like my boyfriend to buy Playboy and download videos on the net" and "Eeeek, I don´t like my boyfriend to spend 90 minuts in the same room with a sweaty gooey gasping human sandwhich for making money...the same money he's later gonna buy me dinner with... *DOUBLE EEEEK* "

 

Why should I pursue a relationship where I may have to deal with that in the future? Why going thru that when I can just... well... DON'T? I guess life itself is crappy enough like for adding more crap to the equation...

[Daddy Bear]

ok, you've made up your mind. cool thing. i hope you don't mind if i throw in my opinion anyway, just for spits and wriggles.

 

the defining question for me would be this: is he doing this work because his life revolves around gratuitous sexuality, or because he's so dedicated to his chosen career that he's willing to get his hands dirty (figuratively speaking) to learn his craft? that's a HUGE distinction, and one that i would make note of if i were in your pumps.

[Baby Carrot]

The defining question for me would be this: is he doing this work because his life revolves around gratuitous sexuality, or because he's so dedicated to his chosen career that he's willing to get his hands dirty (figuratively speaking) to learn his craft? that's a HUGE distinction, and one that i would make note of if i were in your pumps.

 

Thanks SLIGHTLY.

 

No, his life does not revolves around gratuitous sexuality as far as I know. He is in fact doing it as a shortcut in order to finance his own projects (that have nothing to do with porn). I'm not with Mr. Seymore Butts as I mentioned LOL. I consider he's a great guy: smart, funny, sweet, kind, supportive. I haven´t met him in person, and even if we didn´t have chemistry like a couple, I'd still keep recognizing that he's basically a good man.

 

But anyways, as I said, his participation in the world of porn is something I really don´t wanna have to deal with. Right now, I'm not freaking out or having bowel churning about it. But once I got more involved emotoinally/romantically -if that was the case- I know it'd bother me. Kinda like when you know as a fact that is gonna hurt in the morning... U know what I mean? Why going thru all that sacrifice when there are other options?

 

It sounds like I'm disposing him because of my personal prejudices. But I guess I have the right to be not OK with this, and I don´t think that makes me a coldhearted biatch.

 

Maybe a hipersensitive and a little uptight one LOL.

 

Anyhoooooooooooooooo....

[Baby Carrot]

Typing and talking means there is no in person time. If you say you're "dating" someone people presume that even if it is long distance, you have spent in person time together. Furthermore, I do not think it is possible to know whether you are compatible romantically with another person until you have spent consistent in person time together. You have no idea if there is chemistry, attraction, what the person's vibes, body language, energy, mannerisms, manners, habits are from typing or talking.

BATYA:

That's so true. But I guess is hard to accept it, because is nicer to go with the flow and the feeling of having found a person you can communicate with in an intimate level (that basically is generated by the anonymity of a chat). And this takes you to the conclusion that you guys click great and the rest is piece of cake, that you only have to figure out how to meet and it'll be all down hill from there. But ur totally right Batya... actual convivence is crucial to make this kind of statements. You can't possibly leave it aside and pretend it doesn't really matter.

Internet is a funny invention. It has both a bright wonderful side, and it has also a tricky darker side. And is easy to get confused for many of us.

 

 

You are "in love" with an image and the fantasy of it all - you might feel the same in reality but there's just as much chance that you will not.

Yeah, that's basically the awful thruth we're not willing to admit and embrace easily. We focus on the nice part and ignore common sense, because reality is never that pretty. Why being realistic when infatuation feels 100 times nicer and it doesn't hurt at all? Is a very common mistake and weakness I believe. It take balls to break the cycle and see things for what they really are.

 

 

What is so important though is self-respect and consistency - not changing with the wind just so you can have a man in your life, or even certain friends.

So true again... I have to admit I tend to do that. I react easily to chemistry with another person and try to like mould myself into certain things, in order to "give it a shot" and see if it works. That´s a mistake. I seriously gotta start defining some guidelines of what I can and cannot accept and of what I want and don´t want... how important is that!! And I never even considered it before.

 

 

I don't need to engage in endless debate about "why" I draw the line there.

Yes, me neither. I got to that conclusion before I read your wonderful post.

 

 

My question is - why are you doubting your core values and does all this debate really make you feel comfortable with going forward with someone who is involved in porn?

I considered going forward with this since, like SlightlyBent mentioned, this is not all he does for living. He's got many many other things going on. But even if its not, I'm not comfortable with it and I don´t wanna go thru the hassle of handling it in the future.

 

Thanks Batya

[Batya33]

You're welcome. the anyonymity of the internet works both ways - some people might feel comfortable disclosing more, sooner but others might feel more comfortable shading the truth because they are not accountable to the person they're talking/typing to If they do feel more comfortable disclosing on the internet then you may be unpleasantly surprised when that same person is aloof or doesn't seem as "deep" in person.