I hate that I am still posting about the same problems on here but...

[amb1873]

How do you really get over someone that you can find nothing wrong with? Who will freely admit that he still cares and what we had was incredible and that he wishes more than anything in the world that we could be together but just can't? Who flat out has told me we will never be together and he has moved on and I need to move on as well but then gets choked up and emotional and tells me he's not even trying to meet anyone else because he's still so wrapped-up in our relationship? Especially since the sole reason we broke up is because I was unhappy and cheated on him? How do I ever get past that especially since after the cheating and throughout the breakup we have worked through all of the issues I was unhappy about! I can't find a thing wrong with him now and all I want to do is be with him and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

 

Please tell me what to do. Please. I know that it's over in my head but my heart does not want to listen. I just need advice, tips, on how to forget him, how to not compare everyone I ever meet to him, how to rebuild my self-esteem and know in my heart I will find someone that I love just as much and would never hurt in that way again. I realize this is a learning experience for me but why did I have to make the most incredible person in my life my learning experience?

[babypink61]

I don't understand, you say you don't find anything wrong with him, so why did you cheat on him? The trust is already broken, and it's going to take a long time for him to heal and trust you again. We all make mistakes, like you said, take this as a learning experience for your next relationships. If he's not ready to get back with you, then there's really nothing you can do about it except to heal and move on.

[Jayar]

If you hurt him by cheating on him, that's something some people just cannot get past. You have now learned what can happen when you abuse someone's trust. If you hadn't cared about him like you did, then your lesson would not have been learned. The reason this lesson will stick with you for the rest of your life is because you lost something you valued as consequence.

 

He's told you that he can't be with you, can't move past the damage that was done, and that he has moved on. There's nothing left for you to do but move on yourself. Learn from your mistake.

 

Good luck!

[Dako]

I'm really sorry you're hurting.

If you cheated on him, you broke his heart and lost his trust.

"...flat out has told me we will never be together..." It's time to accept the loss of a relationship.

If he had cheated on you, you'd be gone.

 

Healing from heartbreak takes months, and to get started, I'd recommend severing contact with him completely so you can both heal. Keep yourself busy and try not to torture yourself. I doubt you'd ever cheat again, and your next relationship can benefit from that knowledge.

[amb1873]

At the time when I cheated, things were not good. We fought, I felt like he belittled me in front of our friends, he yelled at me in an almost verbally abusive way, he'd go out of town on trips and not call me for days, he'd never make time to see me, etc. etc. I got drunk and cheated on him with an ex-boyfriend. I am not condoning my behavior! Trust me on this one! However, I did not tell him immediately about it at the advice of all of my friends and people who knew him because they said that is his cardinal rule- you will be over. However, as time progressed we began to work out our anger issues, addressed the way he made me feel and the not calling, etc. It got a lot better and I fell in love with him- which, in turn, made me realize I owed him the truth. That night we broke up, since then he has tried to get back together with me twice and has both times broken up with me again. I realize that is the cardinal sin and we cannot be together- (however I do have to disagree that I might be able to forgive someone for that but I am more forgiving than most people)- my question was HOW do you actually go about doing it. We spoke last night and he is so kind to me, so concerned about how I'm doing, freely admits to wishing we could be together but knowing that it is "impossible" and that we've hurt each other too much now. I think I finally realize that it's done, and over, but I just don't know how to move on. Also, how do you move on from someone you have to see on a fairly consistent basis? What are some strategies to dealing with that? He is in my group of friends so although I try to cut him out of my life completely and move on, we've run into each other, his roommate is on my kickball team, he is still on mass emails that are sent out, I still hear stories about him and we'll be invited to the same parties many of times. I think if I never had to see him again it would be a lot easier because I might forget how special he is and how special we grew to be together but I don't want to be stuck back here running in my hamster wheel starting all over again at square one each time I have to see him. Is it rude to just leave if he shows up somewhere I am? Will my friends understand if I say no to things that he is invited to as well? I don't want to change my entire life but the chemistry between us and the friendship grew to such an extreme- it would be like torture to continue to see him. Many of my friends don't understand that and say I "should" be able to be friends and all hang out together and make it less awkward for people but I just can't do it- I will never move on. And, it's upsetting because yes, I cheated on him, but he continuously hurt me since then by getting back together with me, telling me about all of the other girls that want to be with him and he's slept with, then breaking up with me again and telling me he no longer loves me- this has happened three times! But no matter what- our friends just see it as me breaking his heart and don't see how much pain he has put me through since then. I realize I made a mistake and I will NEVER do it again but I'm just so scared and unsure I'll find anyone else that I will be that attracted to and that compatible with and everything that he is! I just wish there was a day by day list to get me through this. I am very good at following directions

[Beec]

Sometimes when you get on the wrong road with a relationship, it's simply not possible to get back onto the right road. I had a relationship that got off wrong, and lasted for over a year more, but it was never right, no matter that we loved each other.

 

I think Dako's suggestions are good.

[Dako]

Amb,

 

Look through the breaking up/divorce forum and you'll find a wealth of info on how to heal. The popular approach is NC, followed by immersion in hobbies and exercise, work and setting goals to enter a new future.

It's not easy no matter how you do it, but these things reduce the pain.

 

From your posts, it seems you first need to give up hopes of fixing this.

 

This may sting, but your loss is the same as the rest of us. You love someone and your relationship is over. All the details about who hurt who and when and all that mean very little when it's over, and you're alone. Believe me, I know the feeling.

 

Avoiding contact may be tough, but you'll heal better without reminders.

I didn't go NC, and each contact brought waves of sadness.

[amb1873]

It doesn't sting and I do realize now more than ever that NC is the only way I can move on from this. Does anyone have a similar situation to me in that they have common friends and how do they deal with invitations in which the ex is also invited? I know, people say, hold your chin up, act tough and just go and be the bigger person and pretend it doesn't bother you. However, it DOES bother me and seeing him only puts me right back here all over again. As he has already accepted we are over and done with and has moved on, he has explicitly stated to me that he would be ok if I showed up to these functions. However, I have explicitly stated that I could not handle it. Do I just have to bow out gracefully each time a situation like this comes up? That is the hardest part- not only did I lose him but I feel like I am losing other friendships in the process because he is strong enough to still see me and I'm not strong enough to be around him while I am enforcing NC and trying to move on. Worst part of it is he met every single one of these friends through me....

[Dako]

That's a problem in most breakups, and only you can know which friends to keep, what events to attend or avoid, based on what you can afford emotionally. You'll definitely discover who your real friends are.

Don't give up your entire social life thinking it's forever lost. People are pretty understanding about your struggle, especially if they've been there themselves.

 

I lost a lot of friends and found myself resenting it, but I'm sure she also feels awkward with our common friends