What Happened?

[WarsawBiker]

I'm new here so bear with me folks.

 

About 5 months ago my girlfriend and I split up, we had known each other for a little more than 3 years and lived together for 2 of those years. My ex girlfriend is a good woman, mother of two and has the "Susie Homemaker" thing down to a "T" she was very good to me and my child as well. When we first started dating she was fairly outgoing and fun to be around but as the relationship went on I began to notice she avoided issues between us and any discussion of feelings, I don't know how to put it to words but I could "feel" that something was wrong.

 

Before she met me she was married to a man who was mentally abusive to her so I believed that the reason she wasn't talking about things was related to that, after discussing the situation with my family and best friends I tried to get her to open up about things in a neutral fashion, just asking her about her feelings without pressuring her, by the end of the first year living together it was clear this approach wasn't working, by the end of the second year I was depressed and withdrawn and had given up trying to reach her about things (I know, I should have left after the first year but I didn't want to give up).

 

It might help to understand that I am the kind of guy who talks to those I care about, how they feel and what they need is important to me, like most men I am unable to read minds and I am no good at reading between the lines either.

 

To make a long story short one day she announced she was leaving, I knew this was coming and I spent the next two hours trying to get her to explain what the problem was all she would say was that "it seems like we don't have anything in common anymore." the following day she called me at work to let me know that her sister and her had moved most of her stuff out of our house, this went on for a few more days until she had her stuff moved, I tried to talk to her a couple more times with no luck, the lady is very non confrontational, I had seen that in her dealings with her ex and with her workplace but missed the connection.

 

After she moved I sent her a letter to her workplace because she left no forwarding address, this was ignored, a few months later I sent her an e-mail as a last attempt with the same results.

 

At this point it is important to understand that I am a good man, I am not abusive in any way, I work and pay my debts, I was always faithful to her and good to her kids, I am a biker and I treated her with nothing but respect because that is the way I live. I always tried to balance work with home time as well. I went out of my way to try to get her to talk to me about things even to the point of getting advice from family and friends as to how to approach issues with her, I did this because I loved her and I knew it was going south for us.

 

5 months have gone by, I can accept that it is over even though I don't know why she made that choice and it's pretty clear she will never explain it to me. That still hurts because I never did her any wrong and I can't understand why she would treat me like that. I have never been in a situation quite like this before, in my past the few people I have been that close to have always been able to talk to me and share at least some of their feelings and reasons for parting ways.

 

I'm hoping someone out there understands why she did things the way she did and can explain it to me so I can find some peace in this and move on without the extra baggage, I can't understand how you can say you love someone and never try to talk about things that are going wrong.

 

Sorry for the long read and I hope someone understands all this.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

This won't be helpful, at all. But, maybe the truth is in what she said- she didn't feel you two had anything in common anymore.

 

Maybe you never really did. At the beginning of relationships, the sparks and romance and etc can overpower the fact that the couple doesn't actually have anything in common.

 

Of course, you could keep on analyzing 'why' in your mind or move on and find someone who does suit your needs. Someone who responds and talks to you openly in the manner you prefer.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

But hopefully you will be able to move on and find someone better.

[melrich]

Hi WarsawBiker, welcome to eNotalone,

 

That is a tough story. First thing I'd say is I really can see how this would be tearing you up. You have been a good partner, great father and provider and your ex pretty well just ups and leaves without giving you much explanation or any chance to try and work out what she felt was going wrong. I guess your pain is doubled because you would have gotten pretty close to her kids in that time too.

 

Of course I can't add much because I only know what yoyu have posted. It does seem that she was very committed to her decision and that in a strange way may help you. If I were you I would certainly want to know more and it sounds like you deserve to know more. Do any of your mutual friends saty in touch with her or are you completely isolated from where she is at now?

 

I don't know what to advise. You don't want to get into anything that might remotely be mistaken as stalking but at the same time I think you really deserve some honest answers as to what the hell happened.

[WarsawBiker]

Hi and thanks for the replies!

 

@engagedkitty_1985,

I tend to analyze things a lot sometimes especially in the above situation because I need to understand what went wrong and what I need to work on so I can have closure. It's strange but we seemed to have so much in common at first and as things progressed she changed, never voicing what she liked to do or offering suggestions on things to do outside of the kids, don't get me wrong the lady was great to us but when it came to her needs or feelings those subjects were taboo, we actually drove around town for 45 minutes one day because I could not get her to suggest a place to eat, finally I chose one.

Please understand that I am looking for understanding and closure so that I can move on without the baggage, I want to leave her in peace and give the next person a fair chance if that makes sense to you. I have no ill feelings toward her but I need to understand why people do things like that.

 

@melrich,

Thanks for the welcome!

We had few friends together as this is her home town, I moved here to be with her and for the better economy and opportunities for my daughter. I did get the opportunity to speak with her sister after it was over and according to her I am not the first person this has happened to, her words were "it's not your fault, your a victim of her past."

Since the break up I have called her twice, sent her one letter, and sent her one e-mail. I hesitate to press it with her because I have seen in the past that when pressed by someone she will do or say whatever it takes to get out of the situation (saw this in the way she treated her ex husband before we got serious and in the way her boss treated her at work.), if I press her I won't get the truth and I would be causing her pain. I also do not wish to humiliate or degrade myself by dogging her for answers. It's sad really, I want the truth so I can make my life better but I do not wish to hurt her to get it.

[melrich]

Well mate there is not much more I can think of. I agree with approach you are taking. You sound like a good guy and great father so I am very confident that you will be the one that ultimately comes out of this happy and healthy. I am sure your answers will come with time.

[WarsawBiker]

Well mate there is not much more I can think of. I agree with approach you are taking. You sound like a good guy and great father so I am very confident that you will be the one that ultimately comes out of this happy and healthy. I am sure your answers will come with time.

 

Thank you for the reply, everything happens for a reason, hopefully the answers will come in time.

[Scout]

Hi, and welcome to eNotalone. I'm sorry about the circumstances that led you here, but perhaps this is the place that can help you sort some of this stuff out.

 

I guess the question that I kept asking as I was reading your post is, why did you want so badly this woman to stay in your life if she was closed off about her feelings and never talked to you about problems, etc.? You said you had sensed for some time that something was wrong, but she refused to talk to you about it. So, what was in it for you to stay with someone who refused to communicate with you?

 

The reason I ask these questions is that, although this relationship is over, you don't want to end up in another one like it. Understanding the answers to some of these questions may help you avoid another unfulfilling relationship in the future.

[WarsawBiker]

Hi Scout,

I wanted her to stay in my life because I loved her and I believed we could work things out together if we could talk about things. What I didn't want to consider at the time is that it takes two to make a relationship work. Since the break up I have realized that there are some things that are beyond my power to do anything about. I'm a biker, I don't give up on things easily.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

The only thing I can think of to add is that maybe her sister's words are correct, that there is just something in her past (perhaps the absusive ex husband) that she cannot let go of, and she realized that she needs to work through that before she can commit to something else... unfortunately, it seems she may have realized that a bit too late, as in, 2 years into a serious relationship with you.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, you really do seem like a geniunely nice, honest, and stand-up guy. It's confusing when you do all the right things and the outcome still stinks. My only guess is that it had very little to do with you, and more to do with herself and her own demons that she needs to come to terms with.

 

Hang in there, there are alot of women out there who would appreciate a good guy like you.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. From reading your post I could not come up with any solid reasons why the relationship did not work out. However, one thing I am sure of, is that this had nothing to do with YOU, or something that you did wrong. As others have mentioned, it seems that this was something within her, such as emotional baggage from previous abuse. She may need some time alone to sort out problems she has inside which are out of your realm of control.

 

She may also shield herself by repressing her problems and not liking to talk about them , then she meets you and you are so in tune with things and you urge her to open up- and it just might not be something she is willing to do. Maybe she'd rather stay in denial. Perhaps that's what she means when she says you do not have anything in common: You prefer to talk about conflict, while she'd rather just pretend it never occurred.

 

She may not be ready for the kind of love you have to give. Maybe deep down, her self-esteem was so ruined from the last relationship, that she does not feel worthy.

 

Perhaps she found herself involved with someone abusive once again.

 

As I said earlier, whatever the reason, I don't think it's because you did anything wrong.

 

It might help to understand that I am the kind of guy who talks to those I care about, how they feel and what they need is important to me,

 

If you have these qualities, then you WILL find happiness. If not with her, then with someone else. The best thing you can do right now is give her space and make her realize what it's like to miss you and not have you in her life. Don't wait around for her- but realize that if she did ever have a change of heart, it would probably be after she had some time and space to think. For her it may take longer than 5 months. For now, I think your best bet is to let go of the prospect of a relationship with her in your mind, and see what else life has to offer.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Scout]

Yes, I agree with Bella...hold on to and EMBRACE those wonderful qualities you have of good communication skills and concern for your partner's feelings. It's a shame that those traits didn't click with your ex, but trust me, there's a lot of women out there who would cherish those qualities in you - and return 'em!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I understand completely. I also analyze things a lot so I can understand where you are coming from. I wish I could offer more advice or a more extended opinion but honestly I don't know why the lady behaved the way she did. Maybe she is one of those sorts who puts aside her own needs for others, and finally one day she decided she wanted something else. That is not to say it is your fault at all! It's just, I've known people in my life who have been like that. And they keep their needs and wants and etc bottled up until they burst. Maybe her mentally abusive ex keep returning to haunt her mentally, and she feared voicing her needs and wants to avoid experiencing such things again. You sound like a very good guy- I think she probably just has many issues she needs to take time to work out and she probably needs time to analyze things as well. So I hope you find your closure soon and prosper.

 

I just read your reply to melrich and it said her sister said you are not the first, you are a victim of her past. That's pretty much what I was getting at in my post. If she won't respond to your calls/letters then maybe the sister is the answer. Maybe you could talk more in depth with her to find your answers and closure. Good luck!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Yeah, what BellaDonna said.

 

Honestly, that sounds like a really good assessment to your problem. I think she's got it right. It's just hard to figure out but she did a very good job.

 

I agree wholeheartedly.

[Scout]

Some people that have been in mostly abusive relationships also find themselves completely at sea once they end up in a more healthy one. As miserable as they are in the abusive ones, it's what they know best. It's a sad reality I see everyday here on eNotalone, and out in the real world.

[CrossCheck75]

Warsaw, it's too bad that you had to be so disrespected by a woman to whom you've given your heart and soul. However, it is a valuable life experience and as a biker I'm sure you're grizzled enough to extract strength from adversity.

 

It really is funny that men are typically stereotyped as being unable or unwilling to communicate, when personal experience completely contradicts this. It has been my experience that women generally are not strong enough to articulate truthfully how they feel about issues of any significance. Time and again, men are left wondering what they've done wrong or how their partner could have just done a 180 turn-around.

 

Fact is, you were never given an opportunity to address and correct problematic elements of your relationship because she allowed no open and sincere dialogue. Additionally, odds are that she didn't do a turn-around; she just never revealed her misgivings and once the infatuation phase of new love wore thin she hit the road. She has ignored your communications because she is a shallow, weak, fickle human being that probably has no business being with someone as strong and direct as yourself anyway.

 

I'd wager that every single male has faced a similar situation at some point or another.

[WarsawBiker]

Thank you everyone for the replies, you've given me some things to think about and confirmed some conclusions I had already reached.

Keep the shiny side up and thanks again.