When marriage is a poison you got used to

[ItsonlyME]

Been together 22 years, married 8. Three children, the youngest 14.

 

Do you ever get the feeling there's been so much s... that your relationship (and yourself!) just can't recover?

 

We are not even on speaking terms at the moment. I don't have feelings for him anymore. I used to be so much in love with him, until quite recently, used to find him attractive (still) after all those years together. Not anymore. I feel he hates me. I really feel his hate. Too much stuff I guess between us. Our relationship is beyond repair, no doubt about it. He doesn't want to call it quits. I do.

 

I am a good person. Not perfect either. I have invested myself a 100% in my relationship and family. I am worn out. I feel unloved, unappreciated, I feel utterly alone, utterly misunderstood. I feel used, abused, I feel like I am an employee... and not even the employee of the month! I feel like a single mother living with a stranger under her roof. And even a stranger would be more civil than that...

 

I think we have (had?) everything to be happy. Kids are older now so a lot more freedom for us. No. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, go to work, go to bed. I am 43 but life with him makes me feel 83.

 

It's hard because you can (to a certain degree) confide in people you trust and love... but I would need support on a daily basis at the moment. I can't and won't bother people like that. Not my style. I feel I am on the verge of simply signing a piece of paper saying keep everything, go your own way and just leave me alone. Because let's be honest : if he stays it's for financial reasons and the second reason would be the kids.

 

Kids. They are highly intelligent. They know what's going on. In my humble opinion it is as damaging to them to live like 2 strangers under the same roof as it is to constantly fight and argue in front of them.

 

We are dysfunctional.

 

Our relationship has gone poisonous. I guess you get used to the poison? Until it makes you dead inside.

 

Thanks for your time.

[texami]

sorry to hear how you're feeling, and i can relate. i actually have thought a lot about "baggage" in relationships... the idea of how can you keep the relationship going after so many bad experiences have poisoned it, as you say. i've been married 15 years, and right now things are what i would call "just ok". better than they have been in the past, but no where near how they were before a string of things between us.

 

we did go to counselling for a while, so i can suggest that as being helpful. what i found out was that there was a lot of resentment built up in me for things we had gone through. i never found a way to express them to him, truthfully i didn't really realize the deepness of my feelings. so, the councellor was able to bring some things to light, make us realize how we felt, and give us some tools so that we could communicate better.

 

that being said, i don't know how you permanently erase those stains on a long-term relationship. how do you feel about the idea of counselling?

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum.

Sounds like your marriage is done.

Don't you think you'd both be happier alone?

Finances come and go to some degree, but wouldn't you like to find what you really miss in your life? A place of your own, a boyfriend, some peace?

[BellaDonna]

Wow, that was quite a title for your post, and the story that accompanied it was even more deep. I am sorry that you feel so down.

 

Our relationship is beyond repair, no doubt about it. He doesn't want to call it quits. I do.

 

 

2 options exist:

 

1.) Try professional counseling and see if it makes a difference- it if does then maybe the marriage can be saved, if not your decision to leave would be solidified.

 

2.) Opt for divorce.

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No matter what, it is clear that things cannot continue the way they have been. It is very unhealthy for all involved.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Ms. Babydoll]

I think you should consider seeking a divorce, if you still love your husband then maybe suggest Marriage Therapy (whatever you call it) cause there could still be hope, love can recover from everything because it is the most powerful thing in the universe.

 

But if you really feel trapped then you should consider the idea of starting new, turning over a new leaf, if that means breaking up or just trying to spice things up, I dunno, I can't tell you what to do and I'm no expert but that's just my opinion

[Dako]

I just can't imagine where you'd start to resolve this with a partner after all those years. These lines are pretty powerful.

I don't have feelings for him anymore. ... Our relationship is beyond repair, no doubt about it. He doesn't want to call it quits. I do... ....

[Mun]

If he doesn't want to call it quits then maybe you can convince him to go to counseling on the premise that you need to be "friend/partners" at home for the children's sake.

 

It sounds like being unappreciated is your number one complaint. I don't blame you. If things were to change would you be willing to stay with your husband?

[agent1607307371]

I can't say anything about whether you should stay married or divorce, but reading your post I just want to tell you to do something purely for yourself.

 

A class or something that has no other value than that it interests you. Something fun.

 

You sound worn out and maybe a bit depressed, and I think that taking some time and investing in you would be a really good start to seeing which way you want to go.

[ItsonlyME]

Thank you very much for your feedback. It was much appreciated

 

Counseling - We have tried it. Twice. 9 and 2 years ago.

 

The first time the idea of counseling came from him. Through work he had this '5 session free with a therapist' package. Obviously we needed much more than that. After the 5th session he refused to go back, saying (1) assignments we had to do were just dumb and (2) way too expensive.

 

The last assignment we had to do was to be more (verbally and actively) appreciative of one another. He said it was stupid.

 

The second time, I simply gave him no choice. It was that or I was walking out. At the time we were living abroad. He hated the therapist, said he just couldn't take time off work, and when the therapist actually made a mistake and scheduled a meeting on a day she was out on a course... he refused to go back. And that was it. We had seen the therapist twice and hadn't even started therapy really.

 

I was thinking of going back to therapy but just for me. Because I find it extremely hard to cope with the whole situation. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed to say the least. I am a person who likes to have fun, to laugh, and to joke around. I have a very close relationship with my kids. I like people and the opposite is true. I love life. I don't take myself too seriously and I often joke about myself. I will not be around for ever either...

 

I have no difficulty whatsoever seeing myself leading my own little quiet life, being with my kids, working, enjoying life, my friends and simple pleasures. I would like to take care of myself. Discover hobbies and passions I just haven't had the time to. I do not want to rebuild and invest in another relationship. I've had enough thank you very much.

 

I feel a bit better, thank you so much.

[ItsonlyME]

If things were to change would you be willing to stay with your husband?

 

 

Good question!

 

When we sought therapy the first time I felt there was hope.

 

The second time I felt there was already too much bagage. Too much hurt on either part. I felt something was broken. It's really hard to describe...

 

If everything would be different? I am tempted to say no, I wouldn't stay with my husband even if things were to change because I just don't believe they can.

 

And for another reason too : Can you fall in love again with someone you don't love anymore? I don't know. I just don't know if it's possible.

 

Love. You need it. I do not mean the infatuation at the beginning (although very nice!) but real love.

[Scout]

I have no difficulty whatsoever seeing myself leading my own little quiet life, being with my kids, working, enjoying life, my friends and simple pleasures. I would like to take care of myself. Discover hobbies and passions I just haven't had the time to.

 

I ask these questions out of honest curiosity, not from a rhetorical standpoint: How would you be able to find more time to do these things as a single parent? Also, how does your husband hold you back from doing these things now?

[ItsonlyME]

As a single parent I would not have time to spare, I know that for a fact!

 

At this point in the relationship I see myself more as an employee. Perhaps I'm simply insane but doing his laundry, cooking for him, picking up after him disgusts me at the moment. Seeing myself leading my own little quiet life would mean no more of this I guess? Pathetic. isn't it?

 

How does he hold me back from doing this right now? When he comes home my mood goes from 97 to -53 in three seconds flat. I find it difficult to be in the same room with him. I probably have a lot of resentment you see. Being in such a sombre mood doesn't really help when you want to enjoy life, simple pleasures, discover new hobbies, etc... My fault really. I should learn to let go a bit. And think of me from time to time. And he does feel resentment towards me too so he basicallyl doesn't do his share at home. He leaves it all to me.

 

I like honest curiosity! I like to hear from other people so please don't hold back Scout. It helps my introspec too.

[Mun]

I'm guessing you don't work outside the home?

 

One thing I have told my friends and even my mom. You have to pay yourself first. What you do around the house is not a freebie. Just as you would pay someone to help out you should pay yourself. If you don't do that you will grow resentful and, yes, feel as if you are underpaid/overworked employee.This way you will remind yourself ( although you don't need to ) that your work is valuable.

One way to do this> when you pay your utility bills make a separate check for yourself.

 

On another thing, I don't know that you should hold back from enjoying life NOW. Why can't you get out more and do what interests you at this time??

 

Do you think you might be taking on too many demands from family or others? One thing is household chores and another is trying to be super-woman/super-mom. It just can't be done.

 

You must set boundaries, for your own sanity.

 

Maybe there is more to this story.... fill us in

[ItsonlyME]

I work outside the home too. I just started this new job. It's part time and I choose the hours I want to do. We've just moved back to Canada after many years in Europe. I still have boxes here and there.

 

I know what I do at home is valuable. My husband can go ahead and worry about his career only and he knows I'll take care of everything else. That is highly valuable! After work he doesn't have to worry about supper, and what he has to get at the grocery store. In the morning he only has to worry about himself, he doesn't have to get up 30 mins before everyone to make breakfast and packed lunches. I am not working full time right now but have been before our move and I was taking care of everything at home at the same time. While he was sitting in front of the computer all evening I was (still) running around the house like a headless chicken. If I can do it, why can't he do at least a little bit? Or perhaps show a tiny bit of appreciation instead of constant criticism? No wonder I am resentful. And then he goes on about his stress... his responsabilities... his deadlines... his insomnia... At first I was quite understanding and did my best to give my full support. I told myself well I can take more upon my shoulders. Now my back is breaking! ...

 

I am also resentful because... I just couldn't sit around and do nothing while he works like a horse around the house. I would feel too guilty. Seems to me he doesn't do guilt a lot ... Besides, when he works around the house he always finds stuff for me to do and is quite demanding : 'Where is this? Where is that? Can you find me this? Can you get me that?' - Would I want to sit around and do nothing I'd have to hide to be able to do so...! If I spend too much time in the bathroom he will come and knock on the door. No kidding!

 

Read somewhere you teach people how to treat you. I know I am to blame for pretty much all of this.

[Lunabelle]

Can you fall in love again with someone you don't love anymore?

 

I am struggling with this. Every day.

 

I don't know if I can do it.

 

ItsOnlyMe, can you do it?

[Lunabelle]

I feel like a single mother living with a stranger under her roof. And even a stranger would be more civil than that...

 

Yes, I understand this! I feel like I live in someone else's house.

 

Also, as to the feeling unappreciated, I have come to believe this is a job hazard of Motherhood. Children, even older teenagers, simply cannot fathom how hard Moms work, the depth of our feelings for our kids, or the hurts and anguish we protect them from. I think this part will pass, as the kids get older and ideally become more self-sufficient. Then we will not be required to do so much for others who are not capable of understanding our contribution to their happiness and well-being.

[Lunabelle]

I know I am to blame for pretty much all of this.

 

Ok, enough already! Allow yourself to accept responsibility for your HALF of the marriage. Not one bit more.

 

Look, you seem pretty bright to me. Your posts seem thoughtful, and not overwhelmed by anger or depression.

 

Please don't be offended, but it's time for you to wake up a little.

 

I have been right where you are.

 

Just because you allowed certain behaviors in the past doesn't mean you agreed to allow them forever.

 

If you feel resentful "doing" for him, then stop it.

 

He's a grown man. Last I checked, these guys can do their own laundry, run their own errands, find their own stuff. Just because you are a mom doesn't mean you need to be HIS mom.

 

You could consider calmly letting him know that your feelings of resentment are growing, and you'd prefer that he started being more personally responsible for himself and his stuff AND HIS CHILDREN. Then detail exactly what you mean. For example, perhaps he needs to plan and execute dinner every other night.

 

Does he just want the status quo to go on? Where does he see this heading?

 

Please don't give up on yourself.

 

This is only temporary. You're in a stage. It'll pass.

 

It's okay. You are not alone. We at enotalone are here with you.

[ItsonlyME]

Thank you LunaBelle for taking the time to reply to my posts.

 

On feeling appreciated (or not) - True! A job hazard of Motherhood. Dare I say of marriage too?

 

On being offended - Lunabelle, it's take a lot to offend me - I like to read what other people think. It helps. And I get to ask myself questions I would have never thought about.

 

Being so resentful you stop 'doing thing for him' - Tried many times. He just won't do the laundry (for example). Tension only escalates, making everything worse. He knows I'll give in at one point because I can't cope with that much tension and stress for a long time. I've come to realize he sees this (me not doing stuff for him anymore) as a power game. And he likes to win. I like the idea of 'calmly letting him know that your feelings of resentment are growing, and you'd prefer that he started being more personally responsible for himself.' - I shall do that. Thank you.

 

I've asked him to take some time off so we can have a discussion when the kids are not here. I've asked him to be this week and no later. Not being on speaking terms is far from ideal and it hurts everyone.

 

I will suggest we go for therapy (again!) but this time I want to go on my own, and he should seek therapy for himself too. I don't want couple therapy. Not at this point anyway. I feel he has huge issues about intimacy, and control. It's not helping our relationship...

 

Not giving up on myself, don't worry.

[Mun]

You are right, you have taught your husband how to treat you, time to change all that. I'ts like the old saying, nothing will change until YOU change.

 

How old are your children?

Ask your kids to help out more around the house... having chores is a great way to teach kids responsibility. Even if things don't get done properly, or the way you would like, at least they are getting done. try not to stress if it's not perfect.

 

I'm a bit of a control freak and like things done a certain way. I don't get overwhelmed too often though because I've learned to let things go a bit at times. I need the break. My bf sees this and then comments that he knows I have alot of my plate at times and will help out some....without me saying a word.

Maybe if your actions follow what you are saying your husband will take notice??

 

I don't know that it will be easy at all to get your husband to help more. What would he say if you suggested getting hired help? Is he considerate if you tell him you are overwhelmed? or is he the type to reply that HE has a right to be overwhelmed but not you? Just wondering here....

 

I read somewhere about a lady who didn't want to do all the laundry all the time so at the beginning of the marriage she ruined the wash...her husband never let her do the laundry again. Just goes to show you some people will go to extremes

[ItsonlyME]

The two still at home are 14 and 15. They are responsible for their bedrooms, and I do their laundry, they put it away. After supper they put their dishes in the dishwasher. Whenever I ask for help they do help. Never had problems with that. I had a hysterectomy 4 months ago and they were just great.

 

My husband didn't use to be a slob. Now he is. He knows perfectly well it drives me crazy. I've tried to leave his stuff just lying there but it can stay there for a week. When it's a leftover snack it's not a pretty sight... If I don't put away his clean clothes they will end up on the floor. He won't wear them of course. He will put them back in the laundry.

 

I work part time. This week only Thursday and Friday. I would be lazy if I'd hire someone to clean my house... Everything's done anyway. Today I'm cooking goodies.

 

He is the type to say he is overwhelmed, over worked, stressed out, that he doesn't sleep well, he is the one with the big job and salary... so thereforeeee he has a special status.

 

Well it's so special that status that our life stinks.

 

I've asked him to take a bit of time off in order to talk while the kids are not here. Since I'm working Thursday and Friday, I thought it would be today. Just before leaving for work this morning he told me... I should take Thursday off if I wanted to talk. I am working only 2 days this week and I have to cancel all my clients...??!

 

He doesn't want to talk. Clearly he doesn't want to make an effort.

[Mun]

You're in this alone so you have to do it alone. It's really tough when the other person doesn't want to talk much less make any changes.

 

So it seems the only and big problem is with the husband. He doesn't respect you and doesn't respect what you do around the house... that's what I gather from your description of things.

 

Have you told him you are considering divorce??

 

I wonder if the possibility of having to clean up after self won't open up communication ....

You might jump start that thought by getting away from home for a week or weekend. Have you tried that yet?

 

How much does he remind you of his Status? Do you think HE might be feeling unappreciated too?

 

Just a thought.......

[assumeLove]

I am a person who likes to have fun, to laugh, and to joke around. I have a very close relationship with my kids. I like people and the opposite is true. I love life. I don't take myself too seriously and I often joke about myself. I will not be around for ever either...

 

I have no difficulty whatsoever seeing myself leading my own little quiet life, being with my kids, working, enjoying life, my friends and simple pleasures. I would like to take care of myself. Discover hobbies and passions I just haven't had the time to.

Sometimes, when we know what sort of person we really are, and what things we'd like to be doing, and we're living some other life instead, we convince ourselves that it's because of the person we married. It seldom is, unless that person is threatening believable harm if we sing, dance, or take up a hobby.

 

You won't likely gain any appreciation or free time by divorcing. Why not change your life first and see if you still want a divorce? I'd begin by stopping all of the things you don't like doing and he doesn't appreciate. Use the time to discover those new passions or just to get out and enjoy some of those simple pleasures. Or use it to do nice things for people who DO appreciate your efforts.

 

Can you fall in love with him again? Yes, but not until you fall in love with your life again.

[ItsonlyME]

Have you told him you are considering divorce??

 

Yes. A few times. He usually his answer to that is I want to rip this family apart.

 

I wonder if the possibility of having to clean up after self won't open up communication .... You might jump start that thought by getting away from home for a week or weekend. Have you tried that yet?

 

Tried both actually. On a few occasions. Doesn't work. He just won't do it. As I said in an earlier post, he sees this as a game. And he will win.

 

How much does he remind you of his Status? Do you think HE might be feeling unappreciated too?

 

I told him to stop with this 'status' thing. We're not in the 50s. When he is appreciated (not only me, by the kids too) he turns into this jerk. And it's usually followed by a little session of putting me down for whatever I can't do as good as him. I'm no good at maths. After a few times of humiliating me in front of the children I demanded he stopped this kind of behaviour. How did he humiliate me? He wanted me to do this maths problem in front of the children. I said I can't, I don't remember algebra much. He insisted and insisted, saying I wasn't that stupid. I never hide the fact I am a big zero at maths. I help the children with biology, and French. I am the planner, the organizer, so I help them with that aspect too, studying, etc. Why make fun of me like this??! Do I appreciate him? I admit I don't say anything anymore.

[ItsonlyME]

Why not change your life first and see if you still want a divorce? I'd begin by stopping all of the things you don't like doing and he doesn't appreciate. Use the time to discover those new passions or just to get out and enjoy some of those simple pleasures. Or use it to do nice things for people who DO appreciate your efforts.

 

He makes it difficult for me to do the things I like. I've tried to understand this behaviour but had to throw in the towel. I don't know what his payoff for doing so.

 

I do nice things for people who do appreciate me. All the time. But then it hits me : why others appreciate me while he just can't appreciate me??! It just makes me so angry at times.

[assumeLove]

He makes it difficult for me to do the things I like. I've tried to understand this behaviour but had to throw in the towel.

 

When you throw in the towel on living a life that pleases you, you destroy your relationship as well as your life. You MUST live a life that pleases you. And in many cases, there's no need to divorce to do that. You just start doing it, he feels a bit uncomfortable for a while, and then he starts enjoying the results and you stop blaming him for what's wrong in your life, freeing you to love him again. No guarantees here -- he could decide that it's just too uncomfortable for him -- but then you'd be no worse off than you are today.

 

I do nice things for people who do appreciate me. All the time. But then it hits me : why others appreciate me while he just can't appreciate me??!

 

Perhaps it would make him feel too vulnerable to appreciate your actions. Perhaps the things you do for him are not things that matter to him (ie, his love language is not these acts of service, but something like physical touch or quality time together). Perhaps he hasn't figured out your love language yet, and he's trying his love language on you, when you really seek affirming words or acts of service or gifts.