Has Anyone Ever Done This

[kimber271]

Thank you all for your support in the past. I'm feeling hurt at many things from my ex. The last time we spoke/got together, we had a civil conversation where I was able to share my feelings, he listened, and shared his. He didn't yell at me or blow up like he normally did when I came to him with something.

 

all he really said in that conversation was I'm beautiful, a great girl in every way, but our age difference (10 years) is really wearing upon him. He said I can't offer him the emotional things he needs because my age. He kept saying he needed things I couldn't give him.

 

I said I'm always there for him emotionally, he agreed, yet he never came to me when he's down. I said to give me a chance to be there for him, to not always try to act like my mentor or father, and act like I'm his girlfriend. It made my day when he came to me when having a hard time, and I gave him great advice. I NEVER asked him to give me advice, tell me what to do or guide me through life, he CHOSE TO. yet he feels that the relationship was one-sided.

 

after that conversation he acted really distant. I couldn't leave because of traffic, so I waited around at his place, and things just went downhill. He never directly broke up with me, but what should I have taken out of that conversation???? he didnt ask me to stay like he normally would, and when I was leaving, we were arguing. I was so hurt and confused by everything and he wouldn't even talk to me. He said he was tired and emotionally drained. I wanted to talk, but he said, "just go, call me to know you got home, im tired."

 

After he walked away I came back and knocked on the door. his reply was, "WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" I just left. He didn't call me back, and ignored me again. I called him from the freeway to tell him the traffic was not moving, and if I could come back and just be close to him. he said, "NO, I want to be alone, go home." he hung up on me..

 

I'm really hurting about all this still. He also ignored me for 2 weeks before this about a month ago, and its the worst feeling.

Has anyone ever been so hurt by someone and their actions, they just didn't want to talk to that person again. If my ex ever calls me, which he normally always does, I can't let him hurt me again. That week I cryed like I've never cryed before, and felt lower than I ever have. Would it be wrong to just put him out of my life 100% given how we ended?

[Beec]

It would not be wrong to cut him out of your life. He should understand you might need to do that.

 

He seems to be working at doing two things, not wanting to hurt you and at the same time wanting you to know it's over. When you asked to be close to him, you were acting like it might not be over. He wants it over.

[kimber271]

The thing I'm so confused about is he kept saying 'it's not like we're over or anything.' He's going through something that he won't talk to me about. He just generalized it saying it was his mom, his grandma's health, their finances, etc.

 

He has a lot on his plate, and I so wanted to be there for him, yet give him space if he needed it.

 

Everything I said or did seemed like it pissed him off. He would be sweet and caring one minute, then yelling at me and ignoring me the next. Why do i love a man that does this to me? I have a good family, great job, go to school, and I've had many more life experiences at my age then most girls in their early 20's.

I feel if he wanted to break up, he should have just said so. I started using past tense in our last conversation, and he told me to stop that. He said, "stop being dramatic!"

do you see where I'm confused. He talks to me like he needs something I can't ever give him (which I disagree) then tells me to stop talking like we're over.

This is driving me crazy. I just want this pain to go away

[DBL]

Do what is best for you. Don't worry about what he thinks is best for him. When it all plays out you will be the one sitting alone. I think it is much easier to be alone, then to be ignored. Next time he calls you tell him not to be so dramatic. See how much he likes that himself. Stop trying to analyze his words and actions. Let him be miserable without bringing you down too. You already find it hard to deal with now, it isn't going to get better.

 

Don't waste your time with someone that has all these issues. There will be someone out there that will appreciate everything you can do for them. As I am usually telling guys this...don't let anyone step on you like that. Keep your pride and dignity, don't let anyone take that away from you.

 

DBL

[kimber271]

Thank you! I feel that's exactly what he was doing. I was letting him walk over me, I will admit that.. I wanted to be close to him, show him how much I loved him, and to make things better for him and us. I even came back to his home only to be shut out and ignored. OUCH.

 

I need to realize even if he didn't want to break up, I'm not happy, and as you said DBL, it will only get worse.

He took his problems out on me and that was becoming a downer, especially when he wouldnt talk to me or be open, then tell me Im not there for him emotionally. What??? he even admitted he didn't really give me a chance to be the girlfriend he needed, and tried to hard to be my "mentor"

 

I wanted to be there for him but he shut me out. thanks everyone for letting me vent here. It hurts but I trust with time I will be laughing I tried so hard and stayed so loyal to a man that did all this to me. I need to stop thinking of his sweet side, and realize what he's done in regards to yelling at me, ignoring me, treating me like a child, is NOT right.

[Beec]

Everything I said or did seemed like it pissed him off. He would be sweet and caring one minute, then yelling at me and ignoring me the next. Why do i love a man that does this to me? I have a good family, great job, go to school, and I've had many more life experiences at my age then most girls in their early 20's.

I feel if he wanted to break up, he should have just said so. I started using past tense in our last conversation, and he told me to stop that. He said, "stop being dramatic!"

do you see where I'm confused. He talks to me like he needs something I can't ever give him (which I disagree) then tells me to stop talking like we're over.

This is driving me crazy. I just want this pain to go away

 

With this description, on top of the first, it sounds like he is confused.

 

Have you ever seen someone who was drawn to another person, loved being with them in many ways and disliked being with them in some others. Say, you knew of a bi-racial relationship, in which they couple liked each other, but one of them did not think they could withstand he added scrutiny and criticism. In that case, they may act this way. In his case, he may act the way he does because he cannot stand up to hearing about dating a woman who is so much younger.

 

That's just a theory, but he does seem to have very mixed emotions.

 

That also may be what draws you to him. When he is pushing you away, you feel down in some way emotionally. When he is sweet and wants you clsoe, you feel an emotional high. The ups and downs are addictive.

[kimber271]

I do think he is confused, yet it's hurtful to me to ignore me, blame me for not being there, then treat me with affection the next minute. We hadn't even been intimate in any way for 3 weeks....

 

It hurts so much to have tried as hard as I could, then have him react like this. Why doesn't he just say, "we aren't working, we need to move on." He never said that, and got mad if I talked about us in the past tense.

 

He's been treating me cruelly and yelled at me and get upset at pretty much EVERYTHING I said or did. Then ignored me.

 

What do I do?? Should I just put him out of my mind and thoughts for good, since all he's been doing for the last couple months is hurt and confuse me, then ignore me if he can't handle it? I feel he may call again, but i can't take this back and forth stuff, being happy, then being hurt and let down

[DBL]

Beec, why you analyzing her stuff. She already decided that she wasn't being treated the way she deserved to be treated. She has done everything she can. We don't need to make excuses up for this guy. Everyone wants to make excuses and analyze everything and give out false hopes. My now x wife was 10 years younger then me, there was never any pressure on the age difference from anybody.

 

It is almost like some people like to give out false hopes here. There is no excuses for treating anyone bad, ignoring anyone, etc. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, so why make up excuses?

 

DBL

[kimber271]

Thank you all. Britnus, thank you for sharing your story. I know we aren't alone in this feeling of hurt and maybe even helplessness to others actions, but we can better ourselves and move forward.

DBL, it really helps to know that his actions aren't justified, because I've started to think "did I make him act this way, ignore me, and yell and shut me out?" It wears me down, but I know deep down it wasn't me. Whatever he's going through has little to do with me. He's always been a verbally angry man, and I think he has issues from childhood that may never go aways. Anyways, thats besides the point. What I do need to see is the way he treated me, and know there are men that would value me for the person I am, for the genuine love and care I can offer, and we can love each other faults and all.

Thanks again for the replies. Im feeling a little better. =)

[Beec]

I am not and will not excuse behavior I deem unacceptable. Kimber should not excuse behavior she thinks is not acceptable.

 

That does not mean one should not try to figure out that cause of it. No matter what happens, one must demand respect. We all need to ensure we are treated with respect. Kimber may decide to end the relationship because of his behavior, but that need not mean she should stop trying to understand it. She would probably be better off trying to figure it out, so that she could try to avoid it and similar things in future situations or relationships. Does understanding it excuse it?

 

Personally, I do not care one feels and why one acts in a certain way if it shows me a lack of respect. You should have enough control over yourself that your feelings do not lead you into disrepsecting me.

 

DBL, If you don't want to figure out why people act a certain away, then don't. But please do not think I am excusing anything. I did not. You jumped to an assumption that was not present in anything I wrote.

[Chibby33]

Stop analyzing and clinging to his final words and actions. This will only confuse yourself and hurt you more if you dont get what you hoped for. You are strong - we know that because you have come forward to talk about it instead of hurting yourself. I promise you, in a few months you will look back and laugh about the whole thing. Continue to move in a forward direction, keep reading the replies from us, strangers who are going or have gone through the same thing. Cherish the bliss you gained - you may not feel it now but let time do its work.

[kimber271]

this is a blessing in disguise. I'm really seeing it now, I was having an awful morning... thank you

I understand what you are all saying. Maybe to clarify, my bad, I did try to work things out, ask him if I could do ANYTHING for him, but he mostly ignored me.

I feel that i've done everything I can to be there for him, but he has chosen to treat me like this.

Sorry I was so vague

[DBL]

Beec,

 

Trying to figure it out isn't going to solve anything. Just gives you more to dwell on. Besides the chances of you getting the real answers are slim to none. So you are never going to get the real answers, so why waste your time. Why try to drag kimber back down with "what ifs"? I see only black and white. It is one way or the other, there is no inbetween. In relationships they either want to be with you or you don't want to be with you. There is no "I don't know".

 

I agree with chibby. You know what you have to offer someone. There will be someone that will appreciate what you have to offer. It may not be the next guy you date, but as long as you don't settle for any less then you feel you deserve you should be ok. Your young, you have way more in life to experience before you settle down again.

 

DBL

[kimber271]

I agree. I am young, yet for some reason I don't feel I was too young for him. I gave so many good things to him, but he chose to focus on what I DIDN't give. I respect what he feels, but bummed that he may have already been seeing someone else. Who knows. Then again, I know when he goes through things he just distances himself. I can't analyze things like I'm doing, I'm just left with SO many questions. Yikes! I must sound crazy...

 

He was basically my life for 3 years, and to have it turn out this way hurts. I feel resentment towards him for acting like i don't matter the last time we talked, as well as for taking his problems out on me, and not giving me a chance to be the girlfriend he wanted. He hasn't even bothered to call me after he told me ever so rudely, "what do you want!? Go home, I have a headache." Those were the last words I heard from him.

[DBL]

Kimber your not going to find the answers, even if he gives you the answers it probably won't be the truth. You can't keep questioning what when wrong, or what you could of done more of, or why he said this or that.

 

This is just part of life, this part now is over, you need to go on to the next part. I been in a lot of relationships, I used to analyze, question, etc just like everyone here likes to do, but then I realized it doesn't do no good. It isn't going to fix anything and it isn't going to benefit me worrying about it.

 

I was married for 5 years, separated for half of that, finally divorced in July. I don't worry about what could of been, what could of happened. It's over, I didn't like the way I was treated and I just put it to my past as lesson learned. We haven't had contact since just before the divorce, I just moved on and started dating again. Can't fix something I have no contol of and I can't change how someone else behaves. I can only control what I do in life and how I behave.

 

DBL

[Beec]

If you want to think so, go ahead. I don't agree.

 

We are all frail, faulted individuals, and most of us are in some ways controlled by our emotions more than our logical thinking and in almost everyone of us, we can do things that are not respectful being lead to do so by our emotions. If you want to deny that, help yourself, but I think that's stuffing your head into the sand.

 

When we do have outbursts, it's not something to excuse. But knowing how to recognize it can make it much easier to deal with. Knowing how to see through the outburst and to what caused it makes handling it much easier.

 

In Kimber's case, she seems to have a guy with mixed feelings and who lets those mixed feelings lead him into doing other things. Regardless of the age difference, she seems more mature than him acting like this. He seems to be lacking self-awareness. This kind of behavior shows that he's got a roadblock from him being in a decent relationship with her going forward. Knowing this leads her into being better able to see what may or may not do in the future. And that makes her choices as to her future with him and the efforts she will make easier, as I see it.

 

You may not care to figure out your partner's motivation, and if that is the case, I feel sorry for both of you.

 

Everyone is going to have things happen that are like this. If you can see it and see why it might be happening, then you can address it more easily or choose to get out of the relationship. Or you can choose to hide you head in the sand. Your choice.

[kimber271]

Beec, I do see what you're saying. Just to ad though, Ive tried to exhaustion to be there for him, give him space, and allow him to talk to me. But, he has always been an 'angry' man who handles his problems either by ignoring me, or yelling and telling me to get out. I stayed because when he was fine, he would be the nicest, caring man. It's confusing, it really is...

 

I guess I can't question, or think of what could have been. You are all right about that. I do believe he will treat the next woman the SAME way, even if she's older than me, because the problems lie within him. He has many issues that he took out on me that have NOTHING to do with me, and I'm sure he will do it to anyone he is with. He is 34, and most likely has his ways set.

 

I feel like emailing him Im sorry for being 'pushy'. Im guessing that wouldn't be right, because as you said, I will never get the answers I want to hear. He may have not wanted to break up, or maybe he did, but I feel that he let a girl go that loved him so much, would have done almost anything, and he even told me himself I was always there for him, he just didn't give me the chance.

 

He was my first boyfriend, but as I read everyones post, as well as other situations, I see that most everyone has gone through at least a few breakups before they found the "one."

 

Would I just be better off ignoring him IF he does contact me, since I will not contact him. I just don't ever want to feel this hurt again, I cried for days, when normally I'm a strong person.

[DBL]

I would put him out of your life for good. Most of us all go through this. It is kind of like giving us hints to what we really want in life and in a partner. Now you know what things you don't want in a relationship and maybe some things you would want in a relationship. It is almost like one relationship prepares you for the next and so on.

 

Once you start moving on, and being around other people, dating a little bit, your going to realize you wasted a lot of time with someone that just brought you down.

 

 

Beec do you even know what you are talking about? So we should all dwell and feel sorry for ourselves and not move on. We should all sit there and wonder "why did my x do this to me?" while knowing we won't get the answer. I guess for some, like you, it is easier to not move on and dwell on situations and try to figure what went wrong. Now just because I disagree with your post doesn't mean you have to get all defensive. If you don't want to have a backbone that is fine, but don't encourage others not to have a backbone and to move on with their life and leave the past behind.

 

DBL

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Beec, I am absolutely 100% with you on this. I think understanding people (be it your partner, your friend, your family members) and what is going on with them, helps to put perspective on situations and actions. Thinking in shades of gray allows you to better evaluate situations rather than having a knee jerk reaction that will do more harm than good or "cut of your nose to spite your face". Many years ago, someone once told me "Sometimes people don't mean to hurt you, it is usually their problem not yours".

 

Kimber, it sounds to me like he is having a rough time and can't cope right now. I am a firm believer in always taking the high road, so if someone contacts you, you respond out of politeness. It is rude to ignore people even if they have done that to you. IF he contacts you, I would say yes, respond.....it is the nature of your response which will give him the message of whether or not you want anything more to do with him...in other words, if you give a very brief and business-like reply versus a bit longer, more personal reply.

[kimber271]

I'm all for sticking out to the bitter end, but in my case, he has always been an angry person when things don't go his way, even if he's not going through a hard time. One time, he got so mad at something I did, he threw my phone accross the room, then locked me out of his house when I was drunk. Now, those are the extremes, but he hasn't been able to handle any problem in a normal way since i"ve known him.

 

Do you still think even if he's going through something it's fair to not be honest and tell me what he wants, knowing i'll be understanding no matter what. He was trying to be nice and affectionate after we had the talk where we shared our feelings, but I couldn't not knowing if he wanted to break up, or was just being honest. I was so confused, and still am.

He basically threw me out of his place last time he talked, and hasn't talked to me since. When I have something I can't handle in my life, I believe I would be straight out honest if I genuinly loved and cared for someone. He hasn't been honest, has ignored me, and told me to "go home, Im tired." those were the last words I heard from him as he hung up on me.

[Chibby33]

Remember what I just advised you Kimber - MOVE IN A FORWARD DIRECTION!! You dont need to figure out his motivations - you already saw his ACTIONS. What difference does it make to know his reasons?? Why does it matter? At the end of the day it's up to you if you want to spend time analyzing the useless and unknown or proceed to heal yourself. You are in control, drive the Kimber machine!!

[kimber271]

Thanks. Im kinda hearing different things, yet I understand where each person is coming from. Personally, and deep down, I know this man isn't right for me, and a normal relationship does NOT consist of being ignored, yelled at, even when someone is going through a difficult time. I know that if I was having a hard time, and I deeply loved someone, I would either break up and be CLEAR about it, or simply say, "baby, I need you to understand I'm going through some things that have nothing to do with you, so please hang in there if you can."

He is always confusing me, maybe on purpose so he can put some blame on me, then yells at me for getting upset or questioning him.

It's an unhealthy cycle, and I think he will do this to any woman he is with. He is only getting older, and more set in his ways

[Beec]

Kimber, these are not the actions of a mature individual. Move on.

 

As you know, I'd encourage some analysis of his actions, but not so much that it prevents you from healing from this and moving on with your life. Start now.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He seems to have anger management issues so you are better off without him. Understanding someone does not make you weak. You can still walk away even though you understand why people behave the way they do. Understanding someone helps you identify personality types and can help you spot red flags the next time around. It is about learning from your mistakes and also developing more compassion for others. The best lessons are learned by thinking, not by shrugging things off and putting blinders on. There is not just one way of thinking about things.

[kimber271]

I most definatley know now what to look for, red flags, personality types. I think I just stuck in too long because I loved him with all my heart. He seems to be able to ignore me and treat me like crap so easily, so I feel that after 3 years I stand up and never let this man in my life again. I'm just hurting as to why someone who says they love me so much can be so hurtful. I understand he's going through something, but he didn't fully open up, and in the mean time treated me awful when I didn't say or do the right thing.