I can't stand my step-daughter

[BellaDonna]

Its been several months now. I've tried to be patient. I've tried being calm and loving. Its not working. For every one good moment or accomplishment, my step daughter throws 50 bad ones at us. She lies constantly. She is a slob. She does nothing to help around the house. She is rude, loud and defiant. She annoys even her few friends. Yet she seems to think that she should have all the priviledges good kids enjoy.

Every day there is another problem. {sigh}

 

I can't stand to be around her.

 

This parenting thing isn't all it is cracked up to be.

 

Hi Duffy. Over the past few months, what have you and your wife done differently from before (as far as techniques) to expect different results with your step-daughter? I think it's very good and admirable that you have remained calm and loving, but did you and your wife try any specific interventions like counseling, or positive behavioral support, reward systems, or any overal lifestyle changes putting her (and the whole family) on a sensory diet or increasing the amount of exercise she (and the whole family) gets?

 

All of those things can work for your step-daughter as a whole being, and make her more healthy both physically and mentally (which shows behaviorally). Unless her mind, body, and soul is balanced, you may continue to see the negative behaviors.

 

BellaDonna

[jengh]

I read this post and immediately thought of my ex's little sister. She's 15 now, but I've known her for the past 4 years. She too has ADD/ADHD so bad and it can't be controlled. Been on a million different meds that didnt work, etc....

Well, finally a doctor recommended trying the supplement Omega-3 fatty acids. They come in pill form, but also (his sister is very picky and wouldnt swallow pills) in little pudding-like packets. They have done WONDERS for her. Plus, it's much more natural than all the chemicals pills have to offer. Just a thought.

[Duffy]

Hi Duffy. Over the past few months, what have you and your wife done differently from before (as far as techniques) to expect different results with your step-daughter? I think it's very good and admirable that you have remained calm and loving, but did you and your wife try any specific interventions like counseling, or positive behavioral support, reward systems, or any overal lifestyle changes putting her (and the whole family) on a sensory diet or increasing the amount of exercise she (and the whole family) gets?

 

All of those things can work for your step-daughter as a whole being, and make her more healthy both physically and mentally (which shows behaviorally). Unless her mind, body, and soul is balanced, you may continue to see the negative behaviors.

 

BellaDonna

 

We have tried to get her to eat more healthy and do some walking. She won't do it. So it escalates into another battle. If you read the beginning of this thread, I mentioned we tried counseling for her over a year ago. The counselor after many sessions called us in and told us there was nothing she could do to help and that we should hope 'she grows out of it'.

 

Part of the issue is my step-daughter doesn't take responsibility for ANYTHING. Nothing is her doing or fault...so why would she change? Every night we have an issue with school work. I worked with her and got her to be on the honor roll for the first time in her life. We were so proud and boastful. Six weeks later, she brings home a progress report showing she is failing a class and slipping in all others. She had 6 F's and a D- mostly for not doing assignments. Today we got a letter from her school saying that she is arriving at class "unprepared" most days. I try to make sure she is doing homework, but she lies about most of it. We have a rule that she is supposed to show us all homework and ALL graded papers. But we never saw any of the bad papers mentioned above. So, once again we're having to punish her (loss of priviledges,etc.)

 

Thats our life...she breaks the rules or is a loud, annoying brat, or.....take your pick. We punish. She thinks we're mean and unfair...she runs her mouth and disrespects us...she gets added punishment.

 

I see no end in sight.

[Scout]

I worked with her and got her to be on the honor roll for the first time in her life. We were so proud and boastful. Six weeks later, she brings home a progress report showing she is failing a class and slipping in all others.

 

Actually, that's a huge accomplishment. What did you do to work with her? I'm sure lots of parents would like to know your secret!

 

And I understand it was frustrating to see her revert back to her apathy, but it's a sign of hope that it's possible you can get through to her.

 

Also, which class is she failing? It may be very difficult for her and she's giving up because she thinks its too hard. Could a tutor help?

[Duffy]

Actually, that's a huge accomplishment. What did you do to work with her? I'm sure lots of parents would like to know your secret!

 

And I understand it was frustrating to see her revert back to her apathy, but it's a sign of hope that it's possible you can get through to her.

 

Also, which class is she failing? It may be very difficult for her and she's giving up because she thinks its too hard. Could a tutor help?

 

 

Actually, the main thing I did is just made sure she was actually doing her assignments. I check her homework everynight and spot check with her teachers to make sure she is doing what she is supposed to do. Most of her bad grades are always from lack of effort, not from lack of understanding.

 

Two nights ago we had a big blow-up over homework and rules around schoolwork. We have a rule that any graded paper must be shown to us that day. She keeps coming up with excuses why she doesn't bring them home ("it's too hard to remember", etc.). What started out as small issue turns into a big issue, because she gets us so angry when she has to get the last word in....saying something rude, or disrespectful, or smart mouthed. Thats one of her biggest issues is she can't control what comes out of her mouth. It is like she is showing off, yet there is no one else in the room. So we'll already be angry about something, then she will pop-off with some smart mouthed comment with rolling eyes and grunts and groans and are anger builds. We add consequences for whatever she said, and then she pops open her big, load mouth again. It never fails.

[Duffy]

Here's another example of what I'm dealing with.

 

The other day my step daughter, for the Xteenth time told us she wanted a pink ipod nano for her birthday coming up in a few weeks.

 

I asked her if she just wanted an mp3 player or did it have to be an ipod? Of course she said it had to be an ipod. I asked her why. She said because if it wasn't, her friends would make fun of her.

 

Her mom reminded her that we are VERY tight on money right now and she may have to settle for a less expensive mp3 player. Besides, as we pointed out, why do you need a device that holds thousands of songs if you don't have the money to buy thousands of songs.

 

I asked my step daughter how she would feel if she got a less expensive mp3 player. She said "that would be gay. That's not fair. I'll be mad.' Then she, as she always does, said something about we would buy it for her sister if she asked but we're always mean to her.

 

You think I'm going to buy her an iPod?! Pffft

[jengh]

jeeeez....she should be more than happy to get ANY type of MP3 player! Those things aren't cheap! And please, her friends are NOT going to make fun of her...how ridiculous she is being! Does she appreciate ANY of the gifts you buy her?

 

"you think im going to buy her an iPod?! pffft"---i agree. I wouldn't. Not if she's going to act like that.

[Duffy]

Every night this past week we had some kind of issue that started out small then blew up in to a big fight with the brat.

 

The issue is she can not control what comes out of her mouth. Here is how it goes:

 

1. The brat does something wrong...lets say...leaves a big nasty mess in the kitchen.
   
2. We bring it to her attention and tell her to clean it up and remind her of what is expected.
   
3. She, of course, denies she did it, or says the mess was already there, or says it not her week to clean, etc.
   
4. We point out that it IS her responsibility, and again tell her to do it now.
   
5. She whines and says can I do it later.
   
6. We, now getting aggitated, say " no, do it now!"
   
7. She retorts with "Its not fair! Why do I always have to do everything around here?" or something more flippant like "Thats just stupid, I don't see why I can't do it later."
   
8. That really annoys us and we come back with "Now you're not going to watch and TV tonight as well"
   
9. Then she'll scream VERY loudly "No!" And start throwing a tantrum. (remember I'm talking about a 14 year old, not a 3 year old)
   
10. So we send her to a corner to cool off. Our blood pressure is now up. Another evening ruined.
    
11. An hour later, she does something else wrong...and the above process repeats.
    

 

This happens every day. She repeats the same mistakes, breaks or ignores the same rules. Nothing changes, Nothing works.](*,)

[jengh]

good lord.... All I have to say is I'm sorry!

[Scout]

Duffy, I have to tell you that to an extent, this is normal teenage behavior. These are the years when hormones are changing, intense peer pressure is a daily challenge, and accute feelings of insecurity are present on an almost constant basis. I yelled quite a bit at that age and the next few years, in fact. I certainly had my share of tantrums. Get used to it, you've got a teenage girl for a daughter now, friend.

 

Now, I seem to remember further back some of the posters suggested you and/or your wife do more meaningful activities with your step-daughter, such as volunteering. Rodeo Rider gave some terrific feedback on that. Is this something you two have tried yet?

 

As for the iPod, if you and your wife can't afford one right now, then that's that. If you could possibly afford the more expensive one even though it would be a stretch, you could get it for her, but with a catch: tell her that she will have to earn half of it, by doing chores around the house. This is a very expensive purchase, and perhaps will make her value it more - and learn a thing or two about working hard for things she wants.

[birdgirl]

She can probably tell you can't stand her, so she acts even worse. Negative attention is better than nothing. I think kids like that need a lot of love and one-on-one attention. But then, I'm not a parent and never was, so it's just a guess.

[Duffy]

Duffy, I have to tell you that to an extent, this is normal teenage behavior. These are the years when hormones are changing, intense peer pressure is a daily challenge, and accute feelings of insecurity are present on an almost constant basis. I yelled quite a bit at that age and the next few years, in fact. I certainly had my share of tantrums. Get used to it, you've got a teenage girl for a daughter now, friend.

 

When did it become acceptable for kids to yell at parents? If we "accept" bad behavior aren't we just condoning more of it?

 

Now, I seem to remember further back some of the posters suggested you and/or your wife do more meaningful activities with your step-daughter, such as volunteering. Rodeo Rider gave some terrific feedback on that. Is this something you two have tried yet?

 

We had that discussion with her, and asked for her ideas on the subject (what she would like to do to help other people). She said it was stupid and wouldn't do it unless she could get paid. She also said she doesn't have time for that. It turned into yet another argument.

 

As for the iPod...we bought a very nice less expensive MP-3 player. She likes it....but threw a fit when we told her she couldn't rip-off music for free from the internet "like her friends do." She threw the mp-3 player down and yelled "why'd you buy it if I can't put music on it?" (she has a gift card that she can use to buy music.)

 

 

This is not "normal teenager behavior" because she has been this way for many years!! My wife said that she got called to the school every day when my step-daughter started school! The kid threatened other kids, the teachers, anyone who got in her way! She calmed down after a while, but many teachers have complained about her.

 

And my wife could never get relatives to babysit because the kid was such a pain.

 

This is not teenager-itis. This is an O.D.D. kid. You can't talk to her, you can't reason with her.

 

We've been trying to get her to act more like a young lady vs being so slovenly. She has a habit of wiping her nose by rubbing her hand vertically up her nose to her forehead and into her hair!! She also wipes her nose on the collar of her shirt. THIS IS A 14 YEAR OLD GIRL!! We've been trying to get her to stop these un-sanitary, embarrasing (to her and us) behaviors. But five minutes after the discussion, she'll do it again.

 

I could go on and on.

[lilady]

hmmmm, what would "Super Nanny do?"

 

sounds like she needs a good spanking!!!

 

seriously tho, it seems that she knows she is in control and knows the limits you will go to(ie: not go to) to enforce whatever rules you have that she is beaking... I TOTALLY say you force her to be put in a situation where she has to think of someone else besides herself..... volunteering-community work...you are still giving her choices and she is "ruling and dictating" how, what and when she will or will not do things....

 

One by one if she refuses to comply start taking away all of her luxuries... even if eventually all she gets is a mattress a few clean clothes and bare necessities... for every good positive behavior give her one back. She'll get the picture and realize she can control what she has, can do, enjoy or vice versa, doesn't have, doesn't do, suffers or does without based on the choices she makes.... finally force her to see that the outcome of what she experiences lies in her own hands....... tough love... and be CONSISTENTLY CLEAR of the expectations, rules and limits,rewards, consequences and CONSITENT with enforcing them.

[Scout]

Duffy, I didn't mean to imply that all of her behavior is "normal" and based on her reaction to her Christmas present, I'd say this girl has some serious emotional issues that need to get worked on. She has a lot of anger inside her, for whatever reasons, and her emotional maturity does sound underdeveloped for her age.

 

I also agree with Lilady that you are offering her choices when she needs to be given boundaries and directives, instead. I'm not surprised that was her reaction to volunteering, although I commend you on bringing the subject up. I also commend you on your firm directive that she can't rip off Internet music.

 

It must be frustrating that you're putting all these suggestions into place, and nothing is happening.

 

Yet the one success I keep harkening back to is that period of time when her grades improved. You must have been doing something very right, and I suggest using that same strategy when setting boundaries in other areas. With volunteering, too. (I agree, this is something you should take her along with you to do and that's that, not ask her if she wants to do it.)

 

Try to keep in mind she will have setbacks, but firm consistency, with more acknowledgement of her positive successes, will eventually see a turnaround. But this isn't going to be an overnight process. You've got a big challenge on your hands, one that is testing you every day. It's going to take persistence and innovation, and again...consistency.

 

Also, perhaps another counselor is in order. Yes, she sounds tremendously difficult. And not every counselor will be adept enough to help her. Have you had her tested for various things? Intelligence, emotional, etc. levels? What about her diet? Does she eat foods that could be unhelpful to her emotional levels, high in sugar, etc.? Perhaps a counselor who takes a more spiritual, holistic approach would help.

[sonjam]

Duffy.

 

I've been following your thread and I want to say I feel for you. Parenting a troublesome teenager cannot be fun, and doesn't just sit in anybody's pants!

 

This is my take on things...

 

Your child has been BRANDED by you to be a brat, lazy, slob, selfish and all the other bad words. She's always felt that vibes from you, her parents, and so she became that person. You don't expect any less of her!

 

Her behaviour should be addressed, not her person. Example? When she does something really annoying or naughty. DO NOT SAY "You are so annoying/disrespectfull/lazy etc (insert words here)". Then you are putting a label on her. It's very hard to shake a label.

 

Rather adress the behaviour. "What you are doing right now is disrespectfull etc. In our family we always try to respect each other etc."

 

I think she is not in touch with you, or her feelings for that matter. She is a very frustrated, unhappy and angry little girl. When she is acting out, and you ask her what is she feeling right now, she will probably not be able to list a single emotion like, angry, disappointed, frustrated, unhappy, sad or happy, glad etc. That is the biggest probability for the blowups, she has no idea of how to handle her emotions. When a child and parent works together, they learn to identify the emotions the child (and parent) is feeling, then they learn ways to chanel these emotions into positive ways - and learn to deal with blowups in a more constructive way.

 

The last thing I want to say is this: DICIPLINE for kids means TEACHING not PUNISHING. The word punish and Child (in my opinion) should never be in the same sentence.

 

How about you and your wife go for parenting classes? Im not saying you are bad parents at all, but sometimes it helps to invest the time to learn strategic and positive ways of dealing with your kids, in the long run, it will be very positive and uplifing for the whole family.

 

If you don't want to do that, the very least you could do is read this book "

KIDS, PARENTS, AND POWER STRUGGLES

By Mary Sheedy Kurcinka"

 

Read an excerpt here link removed

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Duffy]

Thanks for the feedback from all. There are lots of nuggets of advice here, but I feel like I need a plan. I think the book suggested might help. The excerpt about Kyla sounds very familiar. A couple of comments sonjam:

 

Your child has been BRANDED by you to be a brat, lazy, slob, selfish and all the other bad words. She's always felt that vibes from you, her parents, and so she became that person. You don't expect any less of her!

 

I haven't branded her at all! As I've said before, she has been this way long before I joined this family. I've been involved for about 3 years. This behavior has been going on for MUCH longer. Her mother has two other children...one 21, the other 12. No major issues with either of those kids.

 

The last thing I want to say is this: DICIPLINE for kids means TEACHING not PUNISHING. The word punish and Child (in my opinion) should never be in the same sentence.

 

I'm sure that works with many kids. But....let me give you an example from last evening's flare-up. My wife and I are finally relaxing just minutes before the kids' bedtime. The problem child (The 14 year old) comes stomping in demanding that we do something about her sister (the 12 year old). The complaint is the 12 year old is "primping too much" in the mirror in their bathroom and its annoying the 14 year old who was trying to brush her teeth. First I try to calmly point out that maybe they need to give each other some privacy in the bathroom vs. being in there together. Argument ensues over who was there first, story changes several times, lies are told, etc. (keep in mind the 12 year old is not in the room during my conversation). Next I try to calmly point out that we all have to put up with annoyances. I ppoint out that the 14 year old plays her music instrument ad hoc from sun-up to sun-down and asked the 14 year old if she could see how that might annoy her sister. Argument ensues. 14 year old screams at my wife. 14 year old is sent to time out. On the way she screams and stomps her feet so hard several items fall off shelves. We let her calm down for awhile in time out and my wife tries to talk to her to see if she understood what she did wrong. 14 year old blames everyone, especially her sister. My wife asks the 14 year old what is bothering her...why is she acting so grumpy. No answer. Just blaming others. So you see, I tried to "teach" her, but ended up having to "punish" her. I'm sorry but I will not allow kids to scream at adults.

 

I know the kid has issues that are affecting her emotions. The main thing (IMHO) is she desperately wants to be the center of attention. She wants attention from her family, peers, boys, etc. Yet she seems to do everything to drive everyone away. While our 12 year old is frequently invited to spend the night at other kids houses in our neighborhood, the 14 year old has been banned from sleep-overs at all these same households by their parents. Of course this angers her, but of course she thinks its not her fault.

 

The few things she does right (school work recently and playing her instrument) are motivated by the public attention she receives for it.

 

We've been trying to spend more time with her. It is so difficult. We tried to watch TV together over the weekend. She kept talking loudly and making noises and using her loud fake laugh ("over-laughing" at everything). It was very annoying, but we all overlooked it for quite a while. We tried to help her understand why she needed to watch TV more quietly. Argument ensues. 14 year old goes to her room. The rest of us enjoy watching the main TV which clearly infuriated the 14 year old. So she did her best to interrupt at every occasion and try to make us feel miserable. sigh

 

I will continue to work on trying to help her "identify the underlying emotions that fuel the behavior." I've not been able to get her to talk honestly anout her emotions. She usually just throws out the latest superficial thing that she wants or latest irritant. And two professional counselors couldn't get to it. Right now, I can't afford a counselor.

 

Again I appreciate your help!

[Ladydragonflagg]

Duffy,

 

Maybe my comments are misplaces but after reading all the post I cant help but notice a few things...

 

A while back there was conversation about and ipod for gift. And how when you mentioned that maybe you couldnt get it she defiantly said...if my sister asked for it you would probably get it for her...

 

There was another instance where you said she was making too much noise and you asked her if she realized how annoying that would be for her sister...

 

and when her sister was in the bathroom for too long and she wanted to brush her teeth, it was her who should respect her sisters privacy and not her sister who should be more frugal with her bathroom time.

 

there is a lot of mentioning that her younger sister is loved by all, but she is bratty and no one wants to be around her.

 

Maybe because of all the problems in the house the younger sister is treated better, Im not saying that she is loved anymore than the 14 year old, but maybe SHE sees it that way, and maybe there is resentment for her sister to the point that she acting out to get the attention.

 

I am sure she has underlying issues that are medical and dont let her deal with her emotions in a rational way. But maybe she is resentful and feeling less loved than her sister.

[Jenn30]

Duffy,

 

I am a new member and I joined because I need advice on the same sort of thing with my 10 yo step daughter. She has ADHD/ADD and she is on Adderall 25 mg, we like you tried every type of med. that her dr. and psychologist recomended, this has worked by far worked the best. We have full custody of our 10 yo, and she reminds me constantly that I am not her mom. I smile and say NO I did not bring you into the world but I love you like I did and you are going to respect me or you may go to your room and think about your attitude and how you are treating people. After about 20 minutes she comes downstairs and starts being nice until I tell her no then she starts being mean to my other children ages 3 and1, I send her back to her room. Then she mumbles that I am a B**** as she goes to her room, I always remind her that if I am that then she needs to pray about why she feels this way.

[Duffy]

Maybe because of all the problems in the house the younger sister is treated better, Im not saying that she is loved anymore than the 14 year old, but maybe SHE sees it that way, and maybe there is resentment for her sister to the point that she acting out to get the attention.

 

I am sure she has underlying issues that are medical and dont let her deal with her emotions in a rational way. But maybe she is resentful and feeling less loved than her sister.

 

There is no question that this occurs. But it is an outcome, not a cause. We talk about it a lot. But her younger sister behaves and listens and tries. We can't withhold praise and positive attention for the younger child so the older kid wont resent it. We DO try to make sure that the problem child sees the rare incidents when the younger gets scolded.

 

The problem child is always (litterally daily) complaining that she is the only one getting disciplined and 'its not fair.' We always point out because she is the one doing wrong.

[Duffy]

Duffy,

Then she mumbles that I am a B**** as she goes to her room, I always remind her that if I am that then she needs to pray about why she feels this way.

 

I would not tollerate such disrespect from any child. Your husband needs to take the lead on stopping this FOR YOU. If not, it will only get worse. Kids today seem to have no boundaries.

[Scout]

There is no question that this occurs. But it is an outcome, not a cause. We talk about it a lot. But her younger sister behaves and listens and tries. We can't withhold praise and positive attention for the younger child so the older kid wont resent it. We DO try to make sure that the problem child sees the rare incidents when the younger gets scolded.

 

The problem child is always (litterally daily) complaining that she is the only one getting disciplined and 'its not fair.' We always point out because she is the one doing wrong.

 

Yeah, in this department, I think you're doing what should logically be expected, and I agree with all of your observations here.

[jstan]

WOW WOW...Duffy, I can't tell you how I felt when I read your post. I sat there for a minute and started crying my butt off. My son (10-years-old) is doing the EXACT same stuff. My fiance and I have tried everything under the sun. Counseling, meds, reward system, groups, sports, etc. He just treats us absolutely horribly.

 

 

Today, he was actually arrested for hitting me. I pressed charges this time. I am fed up and seriously thinking of relinquishing custody to the state. I know it sounds cruel or heartless to some, maybe to me more than others, but I just can't take it anymore. I can barely concentrate on my work. Can't go to the bathroom, the store or whatever for several hours because of his outbursts - I must stay on guard.

 

He destroyed his room today and is currently suspended from school for vandalism and destruction of property. I pray to God everyday that he will be helped.

 

You are not alone...we have live in our own personal hell every day.

 

Joanna

[isisastaria]

Welcome to the forum! I hope we can help you! Sounds like a very frustrating situation. I have to tell you that siding with you helps no one involved and actually only hurts this child.

 

Sonjam: I agree with you 100%!!!! Labeling doesn't help anything. I myself have an 11 year old child who has had many many behavioral issues. He was diagnosed at 9 years old (finally!) with Asperger's syndrome. We didnt know what was wrong until then. I am lucky to have mental health professionals in my family who have helped immensely.

 

I have to say that I know this is a very touchy subject, and NO ONE is a perfect parent. But children DO NOT behave that way (diagnosis or not) unless it is modeled for them or they do not have very structured surroundings. Being consistent is so important to children with behavioral issues. I do not think it is appropriate to even have an attitude to call her names. Children DO not become overweight or lazy in a way that is separate from their parent(s). They are either allowed the lifestyle to become that way or are provided foods that allow them to become that way. Children CAN'T eat what isn't in the house. It is impossible for them to watch tv and eat all day if it isn't allowed on a consistent basis.

 

I feel for you, but mostly I feel for a little girl that is obviously hurting.

[isisastaria]

Jstan and duffy: is there a support group that may help so you know you aren't alone in your community? Are there therapists that can help? I think education is so important right now. Read books books and more books! Are there classes on the subject you could take to learn a few pointers on how to deal?

[isisastaria]

I just have to say this: Sonjam: you nailed it. You should be a therapist and work with families. I'm serious. You're awesome!