He makes me feel so unwanted

[SherriLi]

Hi everyone,

 

I hope this doesn't get too long. I just feel so worthless. I love him soo much. I know he loves me too, i just think that it isn't as much as i love him.

 

He doesn't seem to want to spend much time with me. We live together, but lately hasn't seemed happy.

He is working at a job he doesn't like.

I have been grouchy because when ever he answers one of my question he sounds so ornery, or impatient with me.

He has been working 12 hour days for the past 9 days, on saturday he took off at noon and didn't go back.

 

Friday after work he asked me to get a babysitter so we could have a few and listen to some tunes. I thought yay! time alone with my honey. so i get a babtsitter and on my way out he said (with almost a look of hope) are you going to stay over there for a while? Like he wanted to be rid of me. Then he spent the whole night with the tunes cranked and never said a word to me. So i went into the room to play video games, i felt unwanted.

 

Then Saturday he spent the whole day and night in our room playing video games and didn't even ask me to join him.

 

We were supposed to go to the city this coming saturrday to get the car serviced and spend a day alone without the kids, my brother and dad ended up inviting themselves, he got mad said he didn't want to come, then said he was going alone on friday. I found out that the work i meeded done on my car couldn't be done on saturday and was told to make an appointment for a weekday, so i told my hon about this and he said i had tp take my bro and dad. I said that i wanted to go with him instead. He was silent. I asked him if he neede to be away from me. He said he didn't "need" to. I said "but you WaNT to? He said he needed to be alone! He hasn't had any alone time in a while. What was the whole weekend about then?

 

This makes me feel so unwanted i just want to cry. Why doesn't he want to be with me as much as i want him? We haven't had any good loud sex in a while because the kids are always home, we haven't had much of a break from them, and only quickies on the couch at lunch. We talked about going to the city together so we could have alone time and some good loud sex wothout worrying about the children.

 

Now he wants to go alone. Why? We never get to see eachother much cuz he works 12 hour shifts and on his days off he wants to go to the city alone one day, while i go the next day and he stays home?

[SeaBisquit]

he sounds like he is really fustrated with his life right now and needs some time alone to think things thru. people deal with stress in different ways and alot of time people just want to be left alone unfortunately. i know it's hard but i would make his time at home as stress free as possible. plus i think you need to sit down and discuss things with him in a caring manner, tell him your there for him.

[BillyJean714]

Usually, when a guy says he wants to be alone, it's not really a good sign. If he needs some space, fine, but when he says he wants to be alone, that's another story.

 

I've been in relationships with guys who were really busy, hardly had any down-time, but always found the time to be around me. I had a temporary LDR with someone who was always busy at the clinic, but he'd fly back every month to visit me, and consistantly called me all throughout the day, just to talk.

 

You know, that's the kind of relationship that makes a person feel reassured, like they're wanted. You don't want someone who treats you like crap or makes you feel like you're not worth anything.

 

Think about it, put yourself in his shoes, how would you treat him? Would you toy his emotions around? Or would you be reassuring and say something along the lines of "Honey, I'm not trying to ignore you. I'm just a little stressed." Someone who loves you, will say something along the lines of that. They will demonstrate patience, and won't blow up on you with a short-fuse everytime. I don't know what your exact situation is like, but this is what I know from experience.

 

it's hard to see things from a different perspective, because you're the person in the situation, so it's harder for you to see things that others don't. Like they say, "love is blind." Often times, this is why women stay in crumby relationships, when they know they deserve better. They make excuses and put up with crap they don't deserve. Take care and good luck.

[robowarrior]

Trust me i've worked 12 hour shifts, and when you come home you ARE pissed. Because he has little time for himself, he starts claiming the time left vigourisly for himself, and he's ego-self centered and blind to your needs because of that. Clearly your just an annoyance to him, and to be quite frankly i think you need to learn a life lesson. Namely that in a relationship love has got to go BOTH ways. Hun no wonder your hurt, your being neglected, but not in a way that he means to hurt you, but his dissatisfaction in the life that he is living now ,makes him too frustrated to spend the time with you that you deserve.

 

Girl , you are married to a blind man. Blind to your needs, blind to his environment, blind to see the pain of other, and he honoustly is in a black hole in which he can only focus on himself. And i wouldn't be surprised if he would jump off a building to commit suicide. Not because it would be your fault, but because he can't find pride/satisfaction in the life that he lives himself.

 

Your hubby is overworked hun , you best better settle for the brass in your life, you might have less materials but you would have more time for eachother and the family, instead of him constantly having to work infinite hours and getting scolded when he comes home, because he is unable and too tired to satisfy your needs because he has to chase after the diamonds in this life.

 

Clearly your not happy, he's not happy. Something has got to be done.

 

His working shift must be reduced to 40 hours work a week. NO MORE. Next, you claim 2 hours in the evening of EACH day. So that you two can be together. Again remember that love has got to go BOTH ways, if it continues to stay one-sided love from your side, i advice you to split up,because your relationship would have no meaning.

[SherriLi]

Thanks for your replies.

 

The thing is, he just started this job about a month ago. He was on unemployment for 6 monthes before he started, it's just a temporary job, i know he's unhappy because he doesn't like it. Well he was telling about the fun him and my brother were having, then my bro got switched to nights and now he doesn't like the guys he's working with.

He also doesn't like the town we live in. The only reason that is keeping him here is me. He can't find a decent paying job here unless he goes to the miines, but you need a short course for that, at first he was all gung ho about taking this course now he's saying he doesn't want to work in the mines, its like one month he does, then the next he doesn't. He wants us to move to a huge city 10 hours away. This is my home town, ive never lived anywhere else.

I promised him that when the time came, i would go with him, but i just don't feel ready. I can feel it coming soon. All of my family, and my girls' family is here. I don't know i think that that is also weighing on his mind also.

 

But he never asked for time alone when he wasn't working. I guess that was because i was working all the time. The last time he wanted to be alone, was around february, he eended up going to the city alone and spending the night there.

 

Well i went home today at lunch. (he called me this morning and told me he was going to the city alone at this time, i also told him that he never spent a lick of time with me lately) I brang him home lunch and went to my room. When i came out he turned it on me. Saying that I was the one who went to the room on Friday, and lastnight. Thats true but i did it because he wasn't conversing with me, just banging his head to loud tunes, while i sat there! So now it's my fault that he never spent any time with me.

 

It hurts so badly to fight with him, it's like physical pain in my heart, and he laughs and jokes like its nothing to him when we fight, all i wanna do is crwl underneath the blankets and stay there. What would happen if we broke up? I would break, and there would be no fixing me.

 

Maybe i'm just to needy? I spoil him too much that he's taking me for granted?

[Momene]

He's just started working long hours after 6 months of unemployment. I can't think of many things more stressful than that, short of disaster. It's a huge adjustment for him and he's having problems.

 

OK that's his excuses. When I'm stressed, I get very self centred and can even cross the line to selfishness at times. You need to talk to him and say you understand his frustrations but say also he's not being fair to you.

[g44]

that in every post on this subject the reaction to the other person is negative....there is not one comment showing compassion...all the responses are an indiction of where that person is in the relationship and in their mind....if your partner tells u they need space or time alone [not a trial sep] the normal loving thing would be to help, but, in the posts here the responses indicted that they are not in a loving situation and past the point of no return...ouch!

[Momene]

I did put the case stating his side of the story but I do feel that he's being insensitive AND it's his partner the one posting on here and not him.

[SherriLi]

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks for replying. I just wanted to clarify that yes, I have been selfish, knowing that he's unhappy about his job. I just dont understand why he has to take it out on me.

 

Please don't get me wrong, i have supported him the best ways that i know how. I have been there when he's wanted to vent. I try to make things easier for him, like i make him lunch and supper every day when he comes home, if he stays i bring lunch and supper to him at work. Do his laundry, and all the house work. all this after i get off work. I rub his back and feet, heck i even bring a cold beer to him after he gets off work and plops on the couch. I just don't know what more to do. THats why i have been grouchy with him. It's like i don't do enough, or like he takes his frustration out on me , i ask him a question and he give me his answer in a bitter tone, like he doesn't want to be bothered with me. After waiiting on him hand and foot, i just expected better treatment, i didn't get it so i got a little resentful and grouchy.

God why can't i explain that to him? I apologised last night and he gave me more sh*t and slept on the couch. I just don't know what else to do.

[Momene]

Tell him what you told us and if he can't accept it, boot him out.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Maybe it is time you talk to him about moving to where he wants to live so that he can get a job that will make him happy. I wonder if the fact that he was unemployed and now in a job that he doesn't like is what is contributing to his behaviour. Perhaps he is resentful that you don't want to leave and he is stuck because his work life is going nowhere and he would have a better chance providing for his family if you all moved to the city. It sounds to me that he has made a big sacrifice for you so that you will be content in your hometown, but it has cost him his self-esteem and sense of being able to provide for his family in a proper way. I think you really need to discuss moving. Moving is not all bleak for you. It can be really exciting as long as you make a plan for yourself as well. Don't just move for him, move for yourself, make plans for yourself so that you will have a full life in the new city. Sure, leaving family and friends is not easy, but maybe that will allow you to grow and expand your horizons.

 

I think you really need to see things from his point of view as well and realize that he is probably acting out because of frustration and unhappiness. While that doesn't excuse his behaviour, it may help you to figure out a solution. Hounding him to spend more time with you is not going to solve anything. You need to solve the root of the problem.