Mind Games

[Dreamsong29]

My boyfriend is excessively clingy and moody and I just don't know how to deal with this. He gets miffed if I am in a bad mood or unhappy for some reason -- my being "grumpy" in the mornings is an issue that he always brings up -- and he always seems to want to keep an eye on me and what I am doing. His efforts to maintain control over me are getting worse and worse.

 

For example, he wants to go with me everywhere, even drive me to work when I have my own car. We work at the same place and sometimes I have to wait an hour or more for him to finish because we drove together. He wants me to go to bed at the same time he does, and sleep cuddled up together even if this is uncomfortable or painful for me (I have a bad shoulder and a steel rod in my spine). While he doesn't demand sex every night outright, I've noticed that if I let more than one day slip by, he becomes very cold and I sense that he's trying to 'inflict' a sense of guilt upon me.

 

Typical: yesterday he became suddenly cold in the morning and refused to put his arms around me when we were saying goodbye before work. He put on his 'stone face' and I knew something was wrong but he of course says that nothing is wrong. Turns out later he was very upset because I asked him if he was done in the bathroom. Apparently I asked him in the wrong way and he thought I was angry because he was in the bathroom for too long. *sigh* In addition, I scored additional silent scolding for lying down on the couch after work. I was so tired. He was going to pick up dinner but when he got home he was upset because I lay down on the couch and was falling asleep. He assumed that I didn't want to have dinner with him anymore, and why didn't I call him and tell him this? Of course, none of this comes out until there is a huge fight and I am in tears. Then he relents, and coughs up whatever it was I did that was bothering him.

 

I know this is all classic mind games. I know that this guy is no good. Sometimes I hate him. I NEED my physical and emotional space. But I am, for the meantime, dependent upon him financially. I want to get rid of him but the emotional stress of dealing with all these mind games is wearing me down.

 

I tried, for the past 2 days, to play it his way. I let him smash me in bed, woke up very sore, but kept a smile on my face. I showered him with affection, took care not to criticize anything that he did, and reminded him about my schedule, where I would be and when, etc. I picked up dinner after work and he was 45 minutes late so I sat there drinking beer and trying not to get angry. During dinner it was decided that he was going to accompany me to visit my grandmother tomorrow AND to a job fair on Wednesday, two key times when I was planning on taking a breather from him. He just keeps squeezing me tighter and tighter like a boa constrictor.

 

And let me say, again, that I am dependent upon him financially right now.

 

What I need is a strategy for avoiding getting caught up in these mind games. He obviously isn't going to give me any space. So I'm angry, frustrated, and beginning to fall apart. I need strength, not weakness. How do you battle such a silent enemy? How do you avoid being caught up in the game? How do you hide your true feelings from a manipulator who watches your every emotion for cues?

[Siriana]

May I ask you how you are finantially dependable on him?Are you currently jobless? Living in his appartment? He's paying for all the bills? Are you married? How long are you with him?Where do you live - America, Europe, East Europe - is it somewhere where is possible to get a job no matter how bad the job is - but gives you enough money to survive on your own? For how long do you plan to be finantially depandable on him? I want to ask you that to see if there is a plan you can figure out to get your finantial stability back. You know this finantial dependance of yours is just another way for him to control you. He's happy because of that.And in todays world where woman can work it is pretty much possible to avoid finantial dependency.

 

And something in your personality let you to this point of beeing so awfully controled.Please, don't take this as a critic, but as a question. Do you know why you stayed with him and what has brought you to this situation? I mean parts of your caracter or previous experiences?

 

There is no way to surive with him, except leaving him - or finding a lover and than leaving him (but this second option is not a solution, just a patetic quick fix up without long lasting effect because you will end up in the same relationship again - plus I will be criticized for saying it)