So close to breaking-up, help!!!

[anna-marie]

I am hoping some of you may have found yourself in my situation before and can offer some help. I have been in a relationship for almost a year now but feel as if it is dangerously close to coming to end. Recently the bad in our relationship has hit a peak and last week it felt as if we fought everyday.

 

Due to the stress and the lack of hope my boyfriend is now finding in our future he expressed to me that he was considering a break-up. He told me that he wanted to be with me and wanted it to work but did not know how it would and was beginning to think it was hopeless. Basically, it appears he is extremely defeated due to the recent stresses (not-to-mention his new found heavy workload). This revelation came out in a fight where admittedly I pushed more than I should have. I kept pushing an issue and questioning and questioning, in light of the fact that he asked nicely several times to just let it go for a moment. After my repeated pushing he finally broke and said he did not think he could handle it anymore and feels like our interactions will always be like this.

 

After a tense discussion we decided not to break-up but see if things could get better. He also asked that for the next few days I leave him alone so he can decompress and focus on his work. We made plans to see each other this weekend for hopefully some fun and relaxation.

 

Last night, due to money stuff we ended up having to see each other and it hurt so much because I could feel how distant he was form me. He said he was still thinking about a break-up and was still upset, frustrated about things. He did say though, that he still wanted to find time on Saturday to do something with me. Basically, he has not completely given up. But at the same time, my biggest fear is that he is going to call it quits before Saturday even arrives.

 

I know that he cares and wants it to work but I also sense he is feeling pessimistic. Any advice on where to go from here? Have you been in either position before? What did you do or didn’t do? I know sometimes you can feel like it is over and even want it to be under such duress but a simple action or good day has the power to bring you back, or at least rebuild. As well, should I leave him be until Saturday?

[WWWHHHYYY]

Give him his space and let him make the decision that is best for him. That is all that you can do t thia point.

[anna-marie]

I appreciate the reply but I also feel his willingness to see what could happen, as well as our plans for Saturday gives me some say in the matter, or at least a chance. I guess I am just wondering if any of you have been so close to walking out on your loved one due to pesssimism but stayed because you saw some positive changes, etc? I'm just a bit nervous on how to act when we go out.

[robowarrior]

Ask yourself the question. Did i go with him so i could make his life miserable? Did he wanted to be with me so he could ruin my life? OF COURSE NOT!!! Couples are supposed to make eachother HAPPY. They do this by putting love and light into eachothers lives on a CONTINUES basis.

 

(Small) arguments act like POISON to the relationship, and especially tiny arguments that escalete can lead to BIG BREAK-UPS, plummeting eachothers lives into darkness and hatred.

 

You two haven't been noticing it, but you have done nothing but putting darkness,hatred and thus poisoning eachothers lives, who loves to be in a relationship that makes them miserable? AVOID IT,

 

You see its like a wheel of hatred. He throws an argument to you. If you decide to give another swing to that wheel of hatred, the hatred will continue forever. You cannot fight evil with evil , you can only fight evil with love. Its even in the bible but regardless of that.

 

You need to be able to say to yourself 'STOP, to here and no further' that way you won't give another swing to that wheel of hatred, and you stop the argument by activly deciding not to participate in it. Is the argument really worth the relationship that you two have? Probably not, because its usually about UBER minor things that lead to such a disturbing situation so remember.

 

ONLY put love and light into the life of your partner on a CONTINUES basis. You see, a relationship is all about being together, but also letting eachother do their own thing.

 

and in general sense

 

The meaning of life is to love and help other people.

 

The basic gist behind it is this.

 

You see, the universe acts like a mirror , if you put ,hatred,misery,selfishnes,darkness into it, then you will get a miserable,pain and empty life back for it.

 

That this is true can even be proven, if you kick someone they will kick you back logically you think, but it works on a larger scale too. You see Karma acts like a boomerang and will hit you back in the head. So..

 

thereforeeee only put love and light into the lives of other people on a continues basis. And happyness and light will be casted back into your life. That this is true can be proven, for instance help your mom out with the dishes on time because you love her, and she will be happy that you help along, and act as a part of the family.

 

You might think ' well, people don't seem to care about eachother so why should i? ' , well its EXACTLY because people don't care, that everyone on earth feels miserable, you see soooo many depressed kids these days, unhappy and feeling lonely,cutting suicide

 

You see love is for the soul like what gasoline is for a car, without it it won't move. Nor will it ever be happy.

 

Still you might say, why on earth would i care about other people? Negativity leads to nowhere, selfishness which is a form of negativity will NEVER make you happy, everything that you do for yourself is a sin.

 

This because a mirror can't cast its reflection(happyness) on its own before reflecting it back on another mirror.

 

This is where it becomes even more trickier, you see we aren't detached from eachother, despite that it looks that everyone is separated, that's a lie. In reality everyone in this universe is 'interconnected' , that this is true can be proven. Simply because we 'all' live on this planet, if i ruin it, i will also ruin it for you because you live on it, if i make it beautifull then it becomes beautifull for you too.

 

This is why we have to love everything and everyone and be in harmony with earth.

[sfindependent]

bravo! so uplifting and true.

[anna-marie]

Wow, thank you for such a thoughtful post! I understand the gist of what you are saying, I do. And of course it is my intention to bring happiness and love to him. As is often the case though, we had a communication breakdown and I just want us to recover from that. I guess I am just going to adopt a positive attitude and kill him with kindness. And I will do this even though he is feeling pretty pessimistic about things. I do believe if I continue to pressure him about what he is thinking or get upset about the fact that he is upset it will push him away further. However, if I can be optimistic and positive about things it will most likely help him feel comfortable once again and remind him that we do actually have fun and like each other.

 

I do disagree with your point in saying that a couple should not spend time apart though. I think it is important to have a life outside of one another as well as one together. And for my partner I find that when he is frustrated with things, time to himself helps him feel good again.

 

I just hope that it is not too late though.

[ZoeMatthews]

Anna-Marie

 

Please give your boyfriend some space. If he has a heavy work load, then you are just stressing him and I am sure that if he had to choose between spending his time working or being with you, due to the situation, you and I know exactly what he would rather be doing, YES, I mean working!

 

My guy broke up with me because he said he wanted some space. This was back in October of 2005. We did get back together in January of this year. He did say that he needed that time for himself.

 

Just back off, stop interrogating him about his issues.

 

(((HUGS))))

 

Zoe

[anna-marie]

Zoe,

 

Your words could not have been truer. Given his workload and the stress of our relationship, he is of course going to choose his work. Not only that, our relationship probably makes his work that much more stressful. I mean how can he focus on anything when he is so busy right now, and why would he want to focus on someone questioning and pushing him?

 

I am backing off until I hear from him on Saturday and won't pressure him then either. I think I need to keep things light for awhile to show him that I can respect his needs too. But mostly I want us to just enjoy one another. I am not sure of it will be tense or not but I know that I can be brought out of a bad mood so I am sure he can too. I know that when people feel overlooked and underappreciated, pushing will make it worse but kindness and respect may help tons.

 

I just help its not too late and he hasnt already reached the end of his rope.

[g44]

the both of u have talked about the same negative things forever...put that aside for a while and just enjoy each others company....talk about anything other than the relationship...do something u both like to do and just have fun....do what u both used to love doing together....go to a steak house, go see a live band, check out a play, ride in a hot air balloon....don't talk about what happened, about where things might go - just take the time to remember what it was like to be with that person without all the drama...and do that at least 10 times....before u even consider reviewing events...that will make it easier...support each other knowing there is no expectations...embarce the other, rediscover that person....

 

stay kewl

[anna-marie]

Thanks g44m,

 

Thats exactly what I have planned. I just hope it is not too late and he is receptive to it.

[rmpavlock]

Hmmmm....While I understand why others say to give him space, the fact that he keeps bringing up thoughts of breaking up I think would get to anyone. That's a mean thing to do, hold that over someone's head. I would hate it if someone said to me "I'm thinking about breaking up with you, but I guess I'll give it a try and see....." I would never be able to relax in that situation. A relationship shouldn't be like that, and spending time with you shouldn't be like an added workload anyway. If anything, it should take some stress away because he looks forward to seeing you. I would constantly question the guy too if he kept talking about a possible break up. Who wants to sit there and wonder what will happen next? I guess I would ask myself this question. Are you happy when you are with him and do you think he brings out the best in you? During my last relationship, I always felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster. My boyfriend would get mad and yell or want space or threaten a break up and I would end up freaking out and in tears. I remember, after we argued and made up thinking "wow, I can't believe I acted like that. I can't believe I let it get to me so badly. I don't remember acting like that before". I'm a firm believer that a healthy relationship brings out positive things about yourself, not negative. Do you like who you are when you are with him?

[anna-marie]

I agree with what your saying when you state, being together should not feel like a workload. The thing is we are not at our best right now so I think he is finding it difficult to be around me and give me the time we probably need right now because he has work that needs to be completed by today. As well, because of our argument he asked to have some time to himself until Saturday.

 

I too find it very hard to relax to know that my boyfriend is questioning our relationship but I should clarify this is not something he is holding over my head. It came up during the initial fight from him when he was ready to throw in the towel. A few days later I asked how he was feeling and he was honest about it. He has never stated this before or used it a game in the past. In fact, he has always tried to make things work for us.

 

I think the arguing over the last week simply got to him too much and made him question whether or not we really could get along and learn how to communicate with one another. I respect his honesty in the situation and I also respect the fact that he has not completely given up. I love him and the way he makes me feel. Because of that I am certainly willing to fight. I just do not know what steps to take or if it is too late. I mean, I would love to send him an email today just to say hi but on the other hand I want to leave him be too. And when we do see each other tomorrow I still don't know how to approach things. Should I bring things up or just try and have a good time, etc?