My Man Or My Husband????

[WWWHHHYYY]

I am a 26 year old female with no children that has been married for six years. My husband and I dated for a very short time before marrying young. We have had our up's downs and much time apart due to our career fields. Three years ago during one of our long separations, I meet a man that I was very physically attracted to. I learned that he had a child from a previous five year off an on relationship with a woman who has several children from other previous relationships. I managed to keep my distance from him for a few months but near the end of my time around him I let my guard down. He and the mother of his child were off and had been off for six months when he and I initially hooked up. I very quickly discovered that I was not only attracted to this man physically but also mentally and spiritually. I now that sounds weird since I was in the process of breaking one of the Ten Commandments. But the emotion that I felt for him was so deep. He wanted me to leave my husband for him but at that time I was very uncertain. He didn't pressure me and even gave me and my marriage space.

 

This along with other events caused me to begin to look at my marriage and my life. I felt and feel like I have sold myself self short in many ways. I have committed to share the rest of my life with someone who I have had to raise, someone who has no sense of family, some one who I can not see spending the rest of my life with. He has done things that have convinced me that he would not be a good father and that is why I have refused to start a family with him. He has disappointed me time and time again in many different situations and appears to have no real direction. I love my husband, not enough to accept all of his faults or be totally happy with him for the rest of my life. I enjoy the security that he provides.

 

On the other hand the other guys posses many of the qualities that I enjoy and we have much more in common that my husband and I ever have. Or will for that matter. We share common interest and career and life goals. Both he and the mother of his child live on a different coast than I do. I am feeling insecure in some ways about him and her although he has been telling me from day one that he does love her but he loves me also and he knows that he and she will be something that will never work. I know that they have a history. He and I have spoken in depth about our feelings for each other and he has made it clear that if I were not married that he would do any thing that it would take to be with me. Including being involved in a long distance relationship with me for about a year.

 

So what do I do? Do I let this man pull me from a marriage that I no longer trust anyway and hope that things work out? Everything happens for a reason, right? I feel like I can't go through life without knowing if this guy and I are truly meant for one another. I also can't continue to sin and be stuck between the two. But at the same time I am afraid to take the risk. The other guy and I staying away from each other is not and option. It hasn't worked for more than a few months at a time and even then, I still think of him daily. I don't want to have regrets but I know that in life you must sometimes take risks. Should I risk it and see what blooms between he and I or play it safe in my marriage until I just can't take it any more? Do I follow my heart or my mind?

[melrich]

You really have to re-read your post and understand how self centred your thinking is at the moment. It is all about you...leave your hubby and you are exposed to risk, don't leave him and you may be unhappy because you have to continue to play ball between 2 men.

 

You have to get some perspective into this and understand it is 3 lives involved here and what you are doing is not going to result in happy days for any of them.

 

So I would advise you to take some time out and make a decision. Yes there are risks in everything that you do. But to me it is not an option to stay with your hubby and continue to see the other guy. The options are stay with your hubby or leave him.

 

Don't cloud the decision you need to make by believing you ccan continue to play with both. It won't make you or anyone else happy.

[g44]

think about what u are saying...on one hand u see one man as simply safe - nothing more - with the other man, u desire. u will never be satisfied with the one u concern 'safe' because it sounds like that would be settling...i am sorry u are having such a problem but it is really just about one thing - what do u want you life to be, how do u see yourself many years from now. and to be honest, staying with someone because they are the safe option does a dis-service to u and him and u will always feel the need to stray until you figure out what it is you want in life...and not just in the moment but LIFE. sometimes we must do both - live in the moment, remember what our past has taught us, and plan for your future. i believe u already know your path and have already choosen it because u have allow someone else into your life. if u are into threesomes, then go for it but most people arent't [that was a joke] - good luck with yer new man,.

[WWWHHHYYY]

Thanks for your advise melrich.

 

Your right it isn't only about me and I am didn't mean to come off that way. I know that I HAVE to make a decision and that is why my post my have appeared to be slef-centered. I am thinking of all parties involed. If I weren't, I would have already done what I think is best for me.

[melrich]

I know you didn't mean it but you need to remove any option of continuing to see both guys. That will also help chrystalise any decision you make.

[WWWHHHYYY]

Melrich, you are very correct. I have let that be an aoption for so long that although I am not happy in a threesome situation, I have become complacent in a sense.

[Batya33]

I know you didn't mean it but you need to remove any option of continuing to see both guys. That will also help chrystalise any decision you make.

 

If you truly were thinking of your husband, you would have divorced him before cheating or decided not to cheat and work on your marriage instead. You're lucky in a way - you won't be shocked if you go to Mr. Sexy and he cheats on you eventually - you will have known that about his character in advance and vice versa. But given the situation with his child, maybe consider whether he would make a good father to a child of yours . .. . . hmmmmm

 

I also agree that if you decide not to work on your marriage and honor your vows, then see no one and be on your own.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, I really think you need to take a BIG step backwards and look long and hard at the man you are having the affair with. Do you really know that he is not married to the mother of his child? You are on opposite ends of the country and you are married so you are a safe bet. He can tell you anything you want to hear. The minute you give up your marriage and ultimately decide to move to his part of the country I wonder if he will suddenly run the other way, as so many cheating partners do.

 

If you are not happy in your marriage, you either need to fix it or split up. What you are doing is unfair to your husband. As for the other man, it sounds to me that he really can't let the other woman go and you will probably have to deal with him bouncing back and forth between you and her. I think you really need to spend some time alone and figure out your goals.

[robowarrior]

You are 'leeching' on your husband, you don't love him. And in your heart your already divorced with him. Its a RED FLAG for you to think that you can achieve happyness by walking over dead bodies inflicting pain and misery to your husband by cheating on him.

 

If i where you i think you need to sit around the table with your husband and talk to him that you want to file for a divorce. You will need to find your security somewhere else, preferrably with a person that you DO really love, and can start a life with.

 

And this new guy of yours, well .. he has baggage with him from the past. If i'd where the kid i definitly would not enjoy seeing daddy with another person then mommy. You know this guy may just be the kind of person that has sex with you, lets you bear a child and then leaves you. He's done it before who says he won't do it a second time? Given the chance that is.

 

I personally think that you are making a lot of bad decisions at cost of other people. Being ego-self centered is the worst of the problems, looking at the general picture and trying to inflict the LEAST amount of possible damage to everyone is the best choice and way to go.

 

But in this case id say the damage is already done, so you might as well divorce your husband and go with that new guy trying to make the best of it.

[WWWHHHYYY]

The other man and myslef are on different coast within the U.S. (east/west). He currently plans to move to my area due to his job no matter if we hook up or not. I know for a fact that he is not married, not just off of his own word.

 

I understand people will tell you anything they think that you wnat to hear but it has been my experence that untrue thoughts and ideas don't usually remain constant as his have over the last 36 months. There are normally loop holes which I have been looking for and have not been able to find.

[WWWHHHYYY]

I may not have given enough info on this post. Everyone is beating up the "new Guy's fatherhood". He is a great father to his child and the children of his childs mother. The only father that they have ever had in their life. So his fatehrhood is not a question for me.

[Batya33]

Interesting definition of "great father" - a man who has a child with a woman he goes back and forth to (horribly insecure for the child) and cheats on two women at once - so, let's see won't that make a lovely role model for children you might have with him? I guess you don't care whether children you have are exposed to parents with integrity and respect for others. Last time I checked those were fairly important values, don't you agree?

 

And - since you are focusing on how you feel in all of this, how will you feel if you're pregnant and you can't locate him on a particular night - will you really believe he is working late or will you wonder if he is with his ex or a pretty young 20 something from his office (since you will not have your typical figure and may not be in the mood for sex given the pregnancy, etc). Why would he be faithful to you and what will you do when (yes when) you get "bored" again - will you cheat on him, too? Go back to your ex? What if there are children involved?

 

Don't you owe it to yourself to get back or develop some of the basic values of trust and self-respect so that you don't repeat this behavior? Doesn't your husband deserve the chance to find someone who will respect her marriage vows?

[jdk77]

Hi Wwhhhyyy,

 

I feel you on this one, I really do. I recently moved to a new city about a month ago. I am a single 28 year old man. I went to a bank to open a new account, and me and the woman that helped me open the account really hit it off. I mean, I am VERY picky and I almost NEVERRRR am attracted to a woman at more then the physical level right away. (In other words, I may think someone is cute, but Its not like I go home and think about them). It usually takes me a while to get attracted to someone. Well, with this girl, it was like instant attraction. I mean.. I wasn't able to get her out of my mind all night. The only problem?? I saw a ring on her finger.. ugggg. I went back the next day after Id made up some BS excuse to go back in there and talk to her. We wound up talking for about an hour at her desk that day. I mean, we just totally hit it off from the first second we met. There was just major chemistry from the word go. She invited me to the bank's BBQ that weekend, and I stopped in to that to see her again. It was a little awkward because I knew by now, her co-workers were starting to wonder what was going on with us, and I could sense that we had about 100 eyes on us. I went back in today to see her again and we talked for another hour or so at her desk. At this point, her co-workers were shooting us looks.

I don't know what to do at this point. But listen... people are always going to tell you that you need to stay away, because you are married or he is married. They are going to give you the line "If they will cheat on their spouse for you, then they will cheat on you too". You know what?

 

Thats BS. Not everyone is like that. If you find the right person, you wont cheat. Whats the reason people cheat? Its because they aren't happy with who they are with, or something is missing. Maybe that person is neglecting them. Maybe they arent in love anymore. Could be alot of things. But the bottom line is, its because they arent happy.

 

I know at least for me, its not every day that I am attracted to someone like that. Life is too short to not be happy. You are wasting time by being with your husband, and if you aren't happy, leave him and give this guy a shot if you really think that you belong together. Even if it doesnt work out, at least you'll know, and at least you wont be unhappy anymore with your husband. But in my opinion, you HAVE to give this at least a shot. I think there are only a handful of people that you meet your entire life that you really, truly connect with, and you can't blow it when they come along just because you think you owe it to someone else. This is your life. You are the one that has to live it, and if you arent happy, then you owe it to yourself to fix that.

 

Heres hoping it works out for both of us.

[Rabican]

The other man and myslef are on different coast within the U.S. (east/west). He currently plans to move to my area due to his job no matter if we hook up or not. I know for a fact that he is not married, not just off of his own word.

 

I understand people will tell you anything they think that you wnat to hear but it has been my experence that untrue thoughts and ideas don't usually remain constant as his have over the last 36 months. There are normally loop holes which I have been looking for and have not been able to find.

 

Heres a loop hole for you, his integrity, honor, morals, respect for others.... ALL MISSING IN ACTION. Those character traits have somehow loop holed themselves right out of his entire being. Any guy that will sleep with a mans wife shows a serious character flaw if you ask me. One that will most likely turn around and bite you sooner or later. Just dont be surprised when he cheats on you, or if you have kids with him... he teaches them HIS version of morals.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But in my opinion, you HAVE to give this at least a shot. I think there are only a handful of people that you meet your entire life that you really, truly connect with, and you can't blow it when they come along just because you think you owe it to someone else. This is your life. You are the one that has to live it, and if you arent happy, then you owe it to yourself to fix that.

 

Life is also about Honour, Integrity, Moral Values and Treating People right. If someone is married or involved with another person, it is morally reprehensible to get mixed up with that and try to split the couple apart because you want what you want. That is why so many relationships fall apart...because people are selfishly only looking after their own needs and wants without looking at the bigger picture and who gets majorly hurt and stabbed in the back by thoughtless and selfish acts of others.

[Batya33]

Life is also about Honour, Integrity, Moral Values and Treating People right. If someone is married or involved with another person, it is morally reprehensible to get mixed up with that and try to split the couple apart because you want what you want. That is why so many relationships fall apart...because people are selfishly only looking after their own needs and wants without looking at the bigger picture and who gets majorly hurt and stabbed in the back by thoughtless and selfish acts of others.

 

I agree with this and if a person truly feels that she is only going to connect with a few people and that she cannot give up the chance to be with those people the best thing to do is not to get married or committed in the first place so that she is free to be with those people whatever the timing or the situation.

[WWWHHHYYY]

TO EVERYONE WHO RESPONDED:

 

Thank all of you for your advise.

 

jdk77, I truly hope that things work out for you and your situation. Just remember that it may not be easy.

 

I do consider myself to have morals and values. Like everyone else walking Gods green earth, I am not perfect. Neither are my husband, the "other man" or you for that matter. It has taken me at least two and a half years to come to terms with the fact that I can not continue to live an unhappy life beacuse of one mistake I made at age 19, six years ago. Yes, I should have a commitment to only myself and God becasue there are no children involved in this marriage. This has been a long road for me, one I have choosen to walk but still long. I have to come to my destination soon. The bottom line is that I must make a decision. I can not continue to let things go on like they have. I have set a dealine of Janurary 15th 2007 for myself.

 

Thank you everyone.

[Batya33]

Of course you're not perfect. No one is. Not sure how that has any relevance to the damage you have chosen to do to your husband. I am glad you've set a deadline for yourself but I hope that you don't see what you have done as justified by "well nobody's perfect." All that means is that you will do it again. On the other hand, since that is your barometer by which you measure values, I'm sure you will cut the same slack to your lover when he inevitably cheats on you. Right?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have set a dealine of Janurary 15th 2007 for myself.

 

I think this about says it all. You have been mulling it over for 2.5 or so years and you still can't make a decision and have to wait another 3.5 months to decide, while continuing to deceive your husband. Even your choice of words... "for myself" shows that you are not thinking about anybody else in this equation. Yes, nobody's perfect, but please don't make that a justification for your actions. You really are only thinking about yourself and not how you betrayed your husband or how this other guy is betraying his girlfriend. How would you feel if you found out that your husband is having an affair and has been having one for 3 years while being married to you? I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be devastated at the betrayal.

[WWWHHHYYY]

Of course you're not perfect. No one is. Not sure how that has any relevance to the damage you have chosen to do to your husband. I am glad you've set a deadline for yourself but I hope that you don't see what you have done as justified by "well nobody's perfect." All that means is that you will do it again. On the other hand, since that is your barometer by which you measure values, I'm sure you will cut the same slack to your lover when he inevitably cheats on you. Right?

 

Becasue I did give my husband that consideration when I had several reasons on several occasions to believe that he cheated on me, I guess I will. The damage that has been done in this marriage has been a two way street. I guess you have NEVER been dishonest about anything or have had someone be dishonest about anythingto you in a relationship. I have never seen a realtionship that perfect but I guess it is possible

[WWWHHHYYY]

How would you feel if you found out that your husband is having an affair and has been having one for 3 years while being married to you? I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot, you would be devastated at the betrayal.

 

I actually would not be surprised. I would feel hurt but relieved. A lot of things of the past would finally make sense to me.

[Batya33]

Becasue I did give my husband that consideration when I had several reasons on several occasions to believe that he cheated on me, I guess I will. The damage that has been done in this marriage has been a two way street. I guess you have NEVER been dishonest about anything or have had someone be dishonest about anythingto you in a relationship. I have never seen a realtionship that perfect but I guess it is possible

 

Please stop with the slippery slope - it just makes your arguments that much more transparent. You vowed not to have s_x with another man when you married your husband - remember all those lovely presents you got from people and your party and the vows you took? If you wanted to be with someone else, then you had the obligation to divorce. Period. And, no, I would never cheat and try to justify it by saying that I was too young when I got married, etc. I have never cheated - I have never been married and I believe I would never cheat if I were married - it is just not in my nature. The more you make these extreme "no one is perfect" arguments the less I can even try to relate to your situation.

[jdk77]

Hey...

 

Get off her case people. You don't know the whole situation. You don't know how her husband has treated her the last few years. You have no idea how much he has stuck by his vows, or if he's treated her like dirt, or neglected her, or whatever.The thing is, yes.. you do make vows when you get married. But the problem with marriage is, that those vows are unrealistic. I don't think people realize how unrealistic they are because they get caught up in getting married, and how romantic the whole ordeal is, and the perfect "happily ever after" scenarios that all those movies project. But in reality, the movie doesn't end there.

People change. No one is the same person that they were even 5 years ago. Its part of the evolution of your life. Its natural. So vowing to spend the rest of your entire life with the same person is not fair to yourself or your spouse. The problem lies in the institution of marriage. Its not realistic and its not healthy. People need the security of hearing that their spouse will never leave them or never stop being completely in love with them. But what good is that promise? You can't guarantee something like that! Now Im not saying that loving someone with every fiber of your being is wrong, but Im just saying that I think people need to change the way they view marriage and relationships. They need to change their expectations. They put too many unrealistic expectations on them as it stands. How can you promise to be in love with someone 5 years from now much less the rest of your life? There are so many variables, it's impossible to promise that to yourself or someone else. So why do it?

There is a reason that the divorce rate is so high, and that is because we put so many pre-concieved expectations on marriage that we can't possibly fulfill them all and be happy. If people would just vow to make the best of the time they have together, and focus on putting their energy into the relationship and appreciating the other person instead of worrying about how long it will last, I think people would be so much more happy. Quantity doesn't equal quality. Time doesn't measure success. What good is being married 20 years if you were absolutely miserable for 17 of them? Understand that you will change and your partner will change over the years. Its nature.. thats just the way it is. Understand that for some couples, that means they will change together, and while suddle things may change about the relationship, they may still love each other like the 1st time they met. They'll grow together. But for others, it may take them down different roads. And accept the fact that it is perfectly o.k. There is nothing wrong with that. You have to understand that just because things change, and you may not be in love with the same person anymore, that doesn't mean all the years and time and good times you had together don't mean anything. In the grand scheme of things, those events were perfect for the moment you were in and the place you were at in your life at the time. You can't take those away, and why would you want to?

The bottom line is, its your life. You owe nothing to anyone. Thats why, in my opinion, marriage (as we know it) to me, is one of the most destructive tools known to mankind. You have the right to evolve as a person, and make changes in your life, and choices for yourself. We don't get enough time on this earth to be unhappy or to not be appreciated, or to ruin our right to enjoy our lives because of some pie in the sky promise that is completely unrealistic. Don't make that promise in the first place. Instead, replace "til death do us part" with something along the lines of promising to enjoy and appreciate and put maximum effort and energy into the time that you have together. If that time does come to an end some day, don't deem the time you spent together as wasted time. Like I said before, the time spent together was perfect at the time it happened. You can't take that away. It doesn't make it less precious because you aren't together now.

Just live life one day at a time and put your energy into enjoying it. Asking someone to promise to be in love with you the rest of your life because you are insecure is just as selfish as thinking about leaving because you aren't happy.

 

You owe nothing to anyone. Period. This is your life. This is your reality. So celebrate it and stop trying to plan it and put limitations and restrictions on everything. That being said, the above posters are right about one thing. Make a decision either way, but don't decieve both of them and string them along. Decide what YOU want, and then make that choice. Someone is going to get hurt, but they will get over it. And im sure there is a silver lining in it for them.. things have a funny way of working out like that.

 

Take Care and Good luck to you in what ever you choose.

[Batya33]

No one forced her to get married and no one stopped her from getting divorced first before cheating on her husband. Those who believe the vows are unrealistic need not get married. Even in terrible marriages, there is never a justification to cheat when divorce is an option - as clearly it was, and is, here.

[WWWHHHYYY]

Thank you again jdk77. I have come to the conclusion that although people don't understand your situation and have no desire to understand, they will beat you down anyway and call it "advise".