In a bit of a pickle here

[h1tek_rednek]

That's my line. I always think that way. Can't take it with you, might as well enjoy it. Better to be broke and alive than dead and rich. So yeah, you are right.

 

Yes, I could move into another part of the house, but. We have a guest bedroom that is set up, but guess what...that's where the daughter is. The other 3 bedrooms are occupied, and the 5th bedroom is and has always been my office. Right now, I get up in the morning, get ready for work, and leave. I get home around 4:45, fix a drink, and go straight to the bedroom, where I stay all night long. That way I am separated from it all.

 

As far as the kids go, they aren't my kids biologically, but they are my kids emotionally. If we were to split up, it would hurt our little girl, but the little boy would be happier than anything. He's got some issues about his mama. Doesn't really think of her as his mama, more of his woman, and is extremely jealous of me with her, to the point that he really, admittedly, doesn't like me. But I just feel like I am losing if I leave, and letting people down, I don't know who I am letting down, but I feel like I am letting someone down. Make any sense to anyone? Because it sure doesn't to me.

[pretty girl digs graves]

I think this is a great example of how not to function in a relationship. You feel the need to protect her and that is simply related to learned behaviour from your past. She feels the need to do things her way because of her past. The way I see it is no-one is not to blame here and the only thing you can do is control your behaviour. What you both have been doing is unacceptable and counterproductive. You both are tricking yourself and losing track of your goasl.

 

The thing you both need to really look at and understand is how domestic violence affects children. Do you not think that at some point all this is going to effect them? The only response from either of you is to be good role models for the children.

 

The biggest part of letting go is learning just how to do that. From the outside it seems so easy, people just say it in any the makes it sound like words are all that is need - JUST LET GO they say to you and don't understand that it takes more than that. And that's because they are not where u are not, they are in a relatopnship not falling out. And you always look worse when the other can do it, and do right away and that is because the person leaving have had time to prepare and plan. And that's why they can do so in whatever manner suits them, in any way they please - because when they make that decision to leave u - it doesn't matter how it feels to so, or what it means or does. The choice has been made in isolation and they made without you because they no are are connected to the union.

 

Think of the kids and move on.

[h1tek_rednek]

Well the kids are affected, you are correct. However, they are affected by the daughters behavior and actions, and by the fact that every time she is there, she and her (their) mama end up screaming at each other, the cops showing up, and the daughter leaving. So it's not me that is causing any anguish on the kids, I don't think. I would think that my fiance would see this and not want that type of thing around them, but it doesn't seem to matter.

[Batya33]

You are not, but you are part of the reason they are in this situation. I know getting custody would be very difficult but you might want to consider that under the circumstances.

[h1tek_rednek]

How exactly am I part of the reason?

[Batya33]

Because you are their father and have the authority to get full custody and take them out of this situation.

[h1tek_rednek]

Legally I am not their father, so that isn't entirely true. Secondly, in SC, it is next to impossible for a father to get custody of the children. It's a nice thought, but I don't think it's feasible. She's not a bad mom, I wouldn't want to do that to the kids or to her to be honest with you.

[Batya33]

OK I thought you had a child with her - my mistake.

[h1tek_rednek]

No problem. Here's an example of what I'm dealing with though. I just got off the phone with her. This crazy woman who lives close to us kind of befriended us about a year ago. I'm not being mean when I say crazy, she really is wacko. Anyway, last time my fiance saw her, it was quite a few months ago. She asked to borrow some money to put gas in her car. My fiance loaned her money, and later that night she called us by accident drunk off her a** at a bar. We had no idea where her 9 year old child was. My fiance was appalled at this, saying she wouldn't help her anymore and didn't want anything to do with her anymore, because that is just wrong. So out of the blue last night, the woman shows up. No big deal, she was there a short time and left. Came back today and hung out almost all day, and is talking about coming back tonight. I made a statement like "damn, I don't want her there, I can't handle dealing with her". All of a sudden, I'm the bad guy, being accused of not liking any of her friends and being a "holier than thou" type person. What the he.......I thought I was echoing what she said last time. Figured I wouldn't be in trouble this time because my opinion was the same as hers. Usually if I just agree with what she says, whether I mean it or not, it's ok, but if I have a different opinion, the fight starts. I am so lost right now. I go home from work in 10 minutes, and I don't even want to go.

[Batya33]

Sorry to sound like a broken record but it sounds like despite your strong feelings for her you do not have compatible values. You've stated that it is too difficult to leave in part because of the finances, and logistics. Only you know your priorities - right now they apparently are the finances and logistics of moving and the material comforts of staying. I am not judging those priorities just observing that you know what you can do to get out of this situation, you are choosing not to do that, and yes it is more than fine to vent, but to ask for advice when you've been given advice including specific options seems unproductive. It all comes down to your priorities.