Don't feel "normal"...

[Scot_babe]

I am a 22 year old woman and a virgin. This isnt really through choice. I was over weight all through my childhood and teens which left me with no confidence. I also had a violent relationship with my dad who was an alcoholic and later killed himself and was also abducted 5 years ago by a stranger (male) who tied me up and taunted me with threats of rape, although this never actually took place.

 

I think bad experiences with men in my life - my dad and my attacker etc - left me terrifed of getting close to any man. I lost a lot of weight 2 years ago, my confidence soared and I do get attention from men but something always holds me back. I guess a fear of intimacy or something.

 

I would love to be in a healthy happy relationship and have kids one day but the whole prospect of it seems something that I could never do. None of my friends know I am a virgin and I could never tell them now as I have lied all this time. I also don't know how I could tell any man.

 

Any advice on how I could get over this fear of trust/intimacy would be greatly appreciated as it is really getting me down. Thanks

[Closure]

A massive tip has to be this.

 

When you meet someone remember they are NOT your father and they are NOT someone who has hurt you in the past.

 

Too many relationships die out because men and women carry the crud over from the last crud relationship they were in or can't separate events from people that had nothing to do with them.

 

If I were you i'd sit back, start dating, at your pace (this is important) and remember this is a new person, a fresh slate for them and most importantly a fresh start for you. Nothing's happened yet and the world is yours for the taking.

 

Don't worry about being a virgin, it won't be an issue when you meet the right man, trust me on this!

[rose2summer]

Hey Scot,

 

Don't feel left out about still having your virginity,

 

I lost mine at age 23 and it was not by choice,

 

I know of many friends who still have theirs into their mid-to-late 20's,

 

Do not be in a rush to lose it, make sure it's with someone you trust and feel comfortable with,

 

It's such a beautiful experience if under the right conditions,

 

When I met my ex, I told him I was a virgin,

 

Because I didn't want to tell him how I had lost it,

 

He accepted I had lied, when he had found out the reason,

 

I think based on your circumstance, a violent father, abduction,

 

A stretched truth/lie would be acceptable to a man,

 

As long as you told the truth down the line,

 

I would actually seek some counseling,

 

Since you fall under an abuse category,

 

There is free counseling if you live in the US,

 

Check out my thread under the abuse/violence forum,

 

To find more info on that,

 

But you need to work this out now,

 

Otherwise it will eat away at you,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[annie24]

hi and welcome to enotalone.

 

(((HUGS))) you have been through a lot. it is not your fault. the most important thing is to get healed. Are you seeing a therapist? if not, you should. I think that most men are pretty decent overall, but somehow, you met the worst 1% early in your life. I think you should talk to a therapist to try to get comfortable around men again. I think you need to work this issue out before you start getting intimate with a man.

 

And I think a lot of men would be happy to be with a virgin. I think most men would rather meet a girl with too little experience than too much, if you know what I mean. When you meet a man who is crazy about you, he will respect you for keeping your virginity, and not giving it away to whoever, just so you could say you weren't a virgin anymore.

 

good luck. you will be ok, just make sure to talk to a therapist!

[southerngirl]

If you have not already, I would recommend you see a pyschologist to work out some of these past trauma issues.

 

You have been through alot in your life and it could really help you. As for what closure said, he gave you really good advice.

 

Each new relationship is a fresh start with someone who hasnt yet hurt you. If you go through life with a wall up you will never have anyone inside that wall. Ive been there and at some point you have to take that wall down, one brick at a time.

[Closure]

 

 

 

If you have not already, I would recommend you see a pyschologist to work out some of these past trauma issues.

 

You have been through alot in your life and it could really help you. As for what closure said, he gave you really good advice.

 

Each new relationship is a fresh start with someone who hasnt yet hurt you. If you go through life with a wall up you will never have anyone inside that wall. Ive been there and at some point you have to take that wall down, one brick at a time.

[Scot_babe]

Thanks for all your advice, after my abduction I was referred to a therapist through the police etc. however at this time I wasn't too deeply affected by what happened, I was just glad I was safe and wanted to forget it had ever happened.

 

Its only in the last few years that it's become an issue again. I live in the UK and am not sure about the cost of therapy but I am going to look into it because this problem doesnt seem to be going away

[annie24]

do you attend university? I know in the US many universities offer free counseling for their students. Do you have medical insurance? it may be covered under your insurance plan.

[rose2summer]

Go to: link removed

 

Here's the contact info for the centers: link removed

 

The counseling is crucial as it helps you reset your mindset,

 

I was raped 3 yrs ago, and I went to counseling,

 

A little while back, I waited some time before I was ready,

 

And I worked through all of my fears, feelings,

 

And am doing very well now,

 

Please do this for your health,

 

Rose

[Closure]

Thanks for all your advice, after my abduction I was referred to a therapist through the police etc. however at this time I wasn't too deeply affected by what happened, I was just glad I was safe and wanted to forget it had ever happened.

 

Its only in the last few years that it's become an issue again. I live in the UK and am not sure about the cost of therapy but I am going to look into it because this problem doesnt seem to be going away

 

Get referred by the doctor and it's free.

 

However I don't think you need therapy, you just need to decide the past is the past and you can only control it by controlling your future.

 

Once you understand that you're all set. See, free session. Leave some money in the box for the Closure beer fund!

[Scot_babe]

Thanks I will have a look at that site now. Sorry to hear what you have been through xx

[Beec]

I cannot speak how for you to deal with your past. However, I can tell you that you will hopefully let a man clsoe to you. Take your time. The right man won't be in a hurry and will make you feel comfortable while at the same time he makes you feel wanted. Don't be in a rush.