Husband and Prostitute killing me

[binky123]

I recently found a devastating email hidden in a financial folder of my husband's email account. We have open access to each others accounts. I rarely visit his, but I was setting up our bank accounts online so all 3 could be accessed at one glance, and he had used his email when he set up one of them. So, I needed to visit his email and click on the link the bank sent him.

 

After I had finished that bit of business I noticed he had an enormous amount of junk mail and old mail from magazines etc and started looking around. I also noticed he had a financial folder and was curious about what he had in it. So, I opened it, and low and behold was an email. I opened it. It was a response from a prostitute, and attached to it was the email he had sent to her.

 

He wrote,"I am in the (blah blah) area and saw your ad on CL. I hear it is difficult to get an appointment, but would like to talk about booking a couple hours of your time for a film. Your thoughts" and then he signed it how he signs emails to me (nickname).

 

I confronted him by telling him I was upset because he solicited a prostitute.

He denied it. So I showed him the email. Then he said he must have been really drunk to send it. So, I asked him was he super drunk when he got the response and saved it and the attached sex video she sent him into the financial folder. He then said he had no memory whatsoever of the email or saving it etc...

 

A little background info:

We used to be very sexual up until about 2 years ago and the well dried up.

Then, right after I confronted him, he was back to wanting it and providing it better and kinkier than ever.

 

He thinks I should just get over it and doesn't want to talk about it. What do you think?

 

Everytime he tries to make a move toward me for sex I get so disgusted. I feel this is mental/spiritual abuse. He looks at extreme porn sites on bondage and s&m, violent blow jobs etc. He expects THAT kind of sex from me. At times I feel like killing myself, because I am totally dependent on him at this time. He moved my daughter and I accross the country from where we used to live and where I had my own business. We are deeply in debt (all in my name).

[DN]

Well - this is decision time for you.

 

You can decide that there is no way you will ever be able to get past this and his actions have damaged your relationship past repair.

 

Or you can decide to forgive him, discover why he found it necessary to do that and discuss ways of getting the marriage and your sex life back on track so that both of you are happy and trusting.

 

Neither option will be easy - but they will be better than the third option which is to do nothing and let the marriage slowly corrode until it falls apart.

 

The first step is for you to decide what you want - then decide how to go about getting it.

[rose2summer]

Hey binky,

 

This is very suspicious to me,

 

He is soliciting a prostitute,

 

Which means he could be exposing you to all sorts of STD's,

 

You really have no idea if he has used one or not,

 

This is a health risk to you,

 

And not only that it shows infidelity,

 

Because he actually contemplated cheating,

 

I would suggest marital counseling,

 

And maybe hire a private investigator to see if he is indeed cheating,

 

Because you sure don't want to expose yourself to any STD's,

 

Good luck,

 

Rose

[binky123]

I know. I need to make a decision. It would be better if I knew if he actuall had sex with her.

[doyathink]

If your not ready to make any decisions yet, keep a look out with his behaviors. Install computer software to see exactly what he is doing (so he cant blame it on being drunk) or hire a P.I.!

 

You may be at risk here for STD's, you need to find out the facts!

[Dako]

He sounds like bad guy.

Sorry you're in this mess, but it seems you're bound to him by finances as well as marriage. Please don't let your debt influence your decision, even if you have to start over.

You know what he did, he was caught and denied it.

Why prolong it?

[binky123]

The funny thing is people love him and cannot imagine he would do something like that. I spoke with my only friend in town about it, and she and he boyfriend both are shocked. They know him pretty well. I thought I did too. I am curious about the "looking at sick porn sites" thing. Is he just flawed as a person? Am I naive? Do guys regularly look at that type of stuff? And, why would he keep the email for so long? He has had it saved since December 2005? I also found a Myspace account (that when asked he said he didn't have). I am fighting myself from forwarding the email to all our friends and family.

[binky123]

He sounds like bad guy.

Sorry you're in this mess, but it seems you're bound to him by finances as well as marriage. Please don't let your debt influence your decision, even if you have to start over.

You know what he did, he was caught and denied it.

Why prolong it?

 

I would prefer proof that he completed the transaction with that person.

[Bluepig]

I know. I need to make a decision. It would be better if I knew if he actuall had sex with her.

 

 

If you knew he hadn't had sex with her (or any other prostitute) aside from the STD issue, would you really feel much better? The truth is it is unlikely that you will ever know for sure without him being honest with you. How likely do you think this is? His soliciting is bad enough alone as is his complete avoidance of the issue.

 

His sexual needs appear to be a big issue here, they seem to be pretty extreme, is using a prostitute his 'guilt free' option for getting these needs met. Does he feel guilty for 'inflicting' his needs on you? I am in no way implying that this is your fault btw.

 

Because of your financial problems it seems the only way to make any progress at the moment is to see a marriage counsellor and perhaps some individual therapy for him. How you can convince him to do this I don't know because it seems pretty clear his ploy at the moment is to deny everything no matter what evidence you come up with.

 

I really feel for you, I found out a few years ago that my SO was contacting prostitutes and was using porn very heavily. Although I tried talking to him about it, he always completely denied everything, even when I shoved the evidence in his face. It took a year of separation and counselling for him to get us back on track. Rebuilding the trust is still ongoing but improving all the time. It was painful and hard for both of us but it seems to be working (fingers crossed!) My SO only agreed to counselling once I had thrown him out, it worked for me but it's a dangerous move, sometimes once that is done it's difficult to go back.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[binky123]

How about if I forward the email to his mom?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Binky-

 

i have a very close friend who's husband frequented a prostitute -she did a little email/credit card/google investigation and found out that Her husband paid $900 for a night with this woman. He did it 4-5x. He even posted a review saying how good she was.

 

I will never forget listening to her cry because she felt like SHE was the loser or in the wrong. Wrong for finding the information, wrong for looking further into it...wrong for calling the credit card company, wrong for contacting the prostitute...wrong because her husband felt he'd rather pay for sex then be with her.

 

She didn't make a decision right away, she waited, she went to counseling on her own. She discovered that her husband may be a sex addict... and needed help just like any other addict. But it was going to be a long long road.

 

It's been 2 and half years since that happened to her- and they are still together- they are doing better then they ever have.

 

I'm not condoning what your husband did or saying that you shouldn't feel the way you are feeling- i'm just letting you know that maybe you don't have to get "out" of the relationship and you don't even have to make a decision right now. Seek counseling for yourself- see where you are at. What you want... see if he will respond to counseling..if he does..GREAT go for it..if he doesn't then you have your answer.

 

I hope it all works out for you....

[Dako]

Why hurt his mother?

 

If you feel unsure of his actions yourself, why broadcast it to the family?

 

Are you concerned that he had sex with a hooker, or is his poor treatment of you that brings suicidal thoughts reason enough?

 

I don't me to sound so negative, but it seems you have more issues than if he had sex with this woman.

[binky123]

Why hurt his mother?

 

Are you concerned that he had sex with a hooker, or is his poor treatment of you that brings suicidal thoughts reason enough?

 

I don't me to sound so negative, but it seems you have more issues than if he had sex with this woman.

 

I have other issues. That is true. I want to hurt him and hurting her is a good way to do it. Also, it would let her know what a jerk her super special son is and why he is alone.

[AwdreeHpburn]

binky - I feel for your situation and can relate to your frustration but would recommend NOT sending something like that to his mother. Even if she's really open to most things.

 

I think this is something you should talk to him honestly about. Tell him EXACTLY how the whole thing makes you feel, the action it inspires (ie, makes you want to leave) and how your views are changing.

 

OR, try the Socratic approach and ask him questions. Get him to make the realization on his own. Either way, I think he should know the FULL extent of your feelings about the whole issue.

[doyathink]

No matter what you tell his mother, you will never make him fall in her eyes! If you have children of your own, you know this. We all know our children do things we don't approve of, but we love and cherish them without blinking an eye.

 

If you tell his family this, they will only go against you for it. You...will be put in the middle and the possible outcome could back fire on you and split your relationship between you and them. I wouldn't tell them, you won't come out of this smelling like a rose and it won't change their mind on how they feel about their son!

[BellaDonna]

I don't think you should act too quickly right now. Do nothing for now. You are understandably very angry, hurt and betrayed.

 

You need to find out more information. Hopefully your husband will be honest with you so you do not have to be an investigator.

 

If you decide that you can give him another chance, then you should keep this between you and him. Don't get his mom or family involved.

 

IMO, if you decide to end the relationship over this- then that's a different story. It think it's fair for them to know why the marriage failed (so he can't make up a lie, twist the facts, and blame you). He's a big boy who made a decision to contact a prostitute- if he ruined your marriage- it's not your responsibility to lie and cover up his mistakes for him if his family asks why you're leaving. I would not forward any e-mails to his family though.

 

The way I see it- if he did have sex with a prostitute and put you at risk for STD's, that is far more dishonorable than you telling the truth (saving your last ounce of dignity) about why the marriage did not work out.

 

I do not think telling his family should be something that is done in revenge- but if you leave him over it- it would simply be the truth. The underlying lesson for him would be: don't do something stupid and embarrassing like that again- you are held accountable later.

 

If you do stay with him, this info about what he did should go no further and you should work on putting your marriage back together.

 

BellaDonna

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I dont think telling his mother is going to do any good for you. You will just feel worse about yourself.

 

I agree with Ta ree- you should talk openly and honestly with your husband about how you feel.

[rose2summer]

I highly recommend Lieberman's Never Be Lied to Again book,

 

Somebody posted it on ENA a while back,

 

I thought my ex was cheating on me when I found an online profile and was unsure if it was his,

 

I was in complete denial, he wouldn't admit to the profile,

 

So I used the tactics in the book,

 

And got him confessing,

 

I told him I had contacted the dating site,

 

And they had verified that it was indeed his identity,

 

And that it was best to confess so that we could both move on,

 

When really, I had the intention of leaving, I just wanted to have hard proof,

 

So that I would never talk to him again,

 

It hurt, but the book really works,

 

It has worked for others as well,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[rose2summer]

I don't want to advocate manipulating the truth,

 

But maybe you can say that you contacted the prostitute,

 

And she admitted that you indeed had used her services,

 

If he says, NO WAY! Most likely he really didn't use her,

 

If he acts quiet and doesn't defend yourself, you caught him,

 

Because someone who is innocent will defend themself,

 

The book brought up OJ Simpson, remember how he acted so non-chalant when he was accused,

 

That's why many thought he was guilty,

 

It's how he acts,

 

I don't know if this is a path you want to go down,

 

But if you do, definitely do your research first and read the book,

 

So that you are prepared and ready to go.

 

Rose

[binky123]

I will hold off on telling his family. I should just leave him. Otherwise he will get the impression that his behavior is acceptable to me. He won't talk about it. He won't allow me to talk about it. He also goes on "work retreats" and "trips" with his boss. They have been to Costa Rica for 2 weeks. He didn't even call me to let me know he had made it there. I didn't speak to him for 4 days. He has very late 3am nights with his "boss". I put these in quotes because I think he is full of it.

[shes2smart]

I'm with the "don't-tell-his-mother" crowd.

 

That sort of thing can backfire real easily....f'rinstance, if she has a lot invested in seeing him as the "perfect son," it'd be so easy for her to twist it all around and make his actions your fault.

 

I'm guessin' that's not exactly the reaction you might be hoping for.

 

Certainly, indulge in the fantasy of exposing him -- if it helps you deal with your anger. But don't act on it.

 

With the exception of a professional counselor, the less people you drag into this situation, the better. Especially if you have any hope/desire/thought of staying with him.

[AwdreeHpburn]

well...tricking someone into confessing with really good tactics is always an option and fun to be sure. But if you're not happy, feel doubtful and uncomfortable, it's just best, in MY opinion, to simply remove yourself.

 

If you can't leave the situation presently, work at it. Save money, look into shelters. Talk to a family member nearby. Or at the very least, talk to him and let him know how you're feeling and what you're thinking about.

[binky123]

Thank you for the heads up on the book. I will get it today.

[rose2summer]

Well, Binky, if you feel deep down leaving him would be the best for you,

 

Follow what you think is best,

 

And we will support you along the way,

 

And be an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on,

 

He really doesn't seem like an honest soul,

 

And doesn't seem to respect you,

 

He is contacting a prostitute, looking at porn against your will,

 

And he isn't making you a priority,

 

So either the situation needs to change via counseling/etc,

 

Or he needs to be given the boot,

 

And told not to mind if the door hits him on the way out,

 

Hugs to you,

 

Rose

[AwdreeHpburn]

I will hold off on telling his family. I should just leave him. Otherwise he will get the impression that his behavior is acceptable to me. He won't talk about it. He won't allow me to talk about it. He also goes on "work retreats" and "trips" with his boss. They have been to Costa Rica for 2 weeks. He didn't even call me to let me know he had made it there. I didn't speak to him for 4 days. He has very late 3am nights with his "boss". I put these in quotes because I think he is full of it.

 

In my opinion, you feel that way for a reason and I'm sure investigation would prove your suspicions. But who cares at this point.

 

If you THINK something is going on and are mistrustful of all he does, something is indeed broken even if you're not exactly spot on with the 'what'