My Wasted youth because of extm. SHYNESS

[LostSoul26]

My wasted youth, Im 26 now. I remember the first day of kindergarten. I was all alone, nobody came up to talk to me, and so that began the beginning of the end. I have suffered from extreme shyness or the clinical term social phobia, all my life. As a kid I only spoke when spoken too first, and I would try to get out of the conversation as fast as I could. I wanted to be able communicate with others - but what was easy for 99% of the humans in the world was and still is hell for me. It was very hard to make friends, I have only had 4 people in my life I called friends, and now Im only in contact with one of the 4. I was always a good listener but not in a reciprocal manner. As I got older, things just got worse. In highschool your supposed to be outgoing, make lots of friends, have girlfriends, and go to parties etc....If your normal. I never even went to a football game, or 1 party. My cousin who I went to school with in freshman yr said O your going to be so poplular, everyone will think your cool - NOT, I suppose If I would of just said Hi to people I would of had an enjoyable HS experience. But when someone would say hi to me I would just smile or not. Then started the gay rumors, my junior year. When ever Id go down the hall inevidabdly I would get the stares, laughs, and slurrs. But I would just ignor them.. I was 6ft= bigger than most guys so I was never bullied physically, but verbally a lot.

and I took it..thats the sad part I never stood up for my self, because that would mean Id have to speak. I never fit in any so called group= jocks, nerds, goths, gays, druggers, snobs..etc. I was alone and very sad. That cousin I mentioned earlier, soon turned to the drug crowd and tried to get me to go to their parties but I wanted no part in that. He would brag that his friends are worried that he has stds, because of the amount of girls he had sex with. and how he would get some of them so drunk they wouldnt remember being raped. He was EVIL. Anyhow the one thing that kept me sane was that I went to church from when I was little till about the age of 17. I was very quiet in church and just listened in sunday school. I was there but really didnt participate as IM extremly shy. Well then the gay rumors spread to my church peers, and they started to shunn me so I turned my back on GOd. The years since HS have just gotten worse for me. I wanted and still want to have a Girlfriend. I have been on several dates with girls, but have only kissed. Girls see me and usually just look away, and if I say Hi they dont even respond, they just walk on by. ANd IM not just talking about the good looking Im better than you type. Once in a while I will get a girl that seems interested but is just a tease. I know my voice isnt deep like other guys, but I dont sound femme. I also have suffered from body dismorfic disorder, and as of late depression. At times in my life I actually wanted to committ suicide, or go after those who wronged me. But Im too NICE. The past few years I have gambbeled away my money, You dont have to talk to a slot machine. Im living at home with my parents, which of course doesnt help at all. Ive tried the online dating sites, and I dont get many responses and I winked at a lot of women on there. No luck on my space either. I have gone to 2 differnt bars w/my friend in the past and it was horrible I was avoided like the plague, and I did try to strike conversations with women but, was nicely regected. Even at a strip club I was avoided, and I was flashing money. I took some college, but then went into a family business of being an audio video installer. Even at work I tried to avoid talking as much as possible, I lets others do that. I havent worked for the past 4 months, and was briefely put in a psyc ward. So as you can see I have, for the most part been a recluse..but I want to change, I want a loving relationship, I want the house, and the kid, and to be loved and held and all the things that make the world go round. But.....Im stuck in a rut.

[Clementine orange]

You are going around looking for rejection and it probably shows in your body language and so on. You've got to make the best of what you've got. How about chat rooms? You could practice being friendly there. If you live in the city you could join some clubs or something - clubs where other shyish and non-aggresive people join. I'm thinking astrology or chess or something.

How about some speech lessons or eleqution classes. Alexander technique could do wonders for you!

The main thing is that you recognize that there is a problem and that you want to go about solving it. Take baby steps towards the goal. Oh yeah, avoid bars and so on - even the "best" of us get rejected and have women "look right through us". Believe me. On-line dating services are useless too - the ratio is like 10 to 1. The odds are totally against you! It's a freakin' jungle out there for the single guy.

That and stop dwelling on the past - lots a peeps had crappy high school experiences - doesn't have to have a bearing on you as an adult.

I did a bit of googling on "body dismorfic disorder". You need to get to the gym and work out! Get a personal trainer. Eat some good healthy food.

 

IM me if you want

 

Don't give up man - you know what you want.

 

"Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while, a great wind carries me accross the sky."

[Stinkweed]

clubs where other shyish and non-aggresive people join.

 

hmm... I dunno. I myself have had the hardest time trying to socialize with that type of people (which are majority in my college). And actually, it's always been like that... I remember all of my friends in high school were pretty outgoing, thus the "effort" I had to put on socializing with them was not great at all. Just my opinion... But then again, maybe it has to do more with the type of people they were than anything else...

[now_better]

my friend recommended a book to me called "Intimate Connections" for learning to a) love yourself, b) find personal happiness, c) become less shy, d) become better at meeting people (friends and g/fs). you can find it on link removed along with an assortment of other websites. i've only read the first chapter so far, but i can relate to many things he mentions and i think you would find it valuable too.

 

i think overcoming adversity comes in stages and the fact that you're willing to rise up to the challenge is great. and like people said above... baby steps. start picking up good self-help books, doing activities to improve your self-esteem (workout, new hobby, find a new job), and really taking chances in life. it's scary, but when you're able to do things that you never could a few months ago, it's an amazing feeling. makes you really love life and all the good/bad parts about it. and there's no time better to start than now.

[LostSoul26]

my friend recommended a book to me called "Intimate Connections"

 

I will get that book, it sounds like it would benifit me.

 

doing activities to improve your self-esteem (workout, new hobby, find a new job), and really taking chances in life

 

I didnt even mention I have a membership to a gym. When I do go, which is usually later on in the evening, Im avoided. I usually ride a tredmill for 1/2 hr and then do weights, Ive tried initiating conversations, but people usually walk off unless they are waitin for the machine. The taking chances in life hits hard as that is the problem. I dont take chances.

 

You are going around looking for rejection and it probably shows in your body language and so on

 

This is also true, Ive been this way for so long that I suppose I do emmit poor body lang.

 

stop dwelling on the past - lots a peeps had crappy high school experiences - doesn't have to have a bearing on you as an adult.

 

I try not to live in the past, and move on. But, sometimes I run into some of the people who caused me misery, and they take me right back to feeling * * * *ty! I was tricked into being in a commercial by my family and it showed on tv on and off for months, and being the shy person that Iam I knew that all the people from my past would remember me. And even people I didnt know would look at me strangely like they saw me on americas most wanted. That was my 15 min. of fame and most people would want that. But I didn't like the attention.

[ttxbcx]

Hi.. I can't really help you I guess, but I wanted you to know I'm kinda in the same situation you are in.. I'm still in HS, but it's my last year.

 

Anyway, what you describe really looks like my situation. It's quite hard for me to speak to other peoply, I'm really shy, I'm not confident, girls seems to ignore me..

 

I've also thought about committing suicide or harming others who took adventage of me, but I'm also just too nice to do that..

 

I'm glad to know there are more people sharing the same problem... And maybe you will feel good about that too..

 

Good luck

[Blue Dreamer]

But, sometimes I run into some of the people who caused me misery, and they take me right back to feeling * * * *ty!

I knew that all the people from my past would remember me. And even people I didnt know would look at me strangely like they saw me on americas most wanted.

 

I know too well what you are going though when it comes to self belief. I know what its like to have had others falsely perceive me for what im not. For nearly a decade I went through the same experiences. I assumed that others thought I was a weirdo too. Truth is, I am not your normal outgoing Joe. My key now is appreciating and taking advantage of my positives, and just talking positive when around others. I woke up slowly but am now working on it as I so want to be more out going and social. Its really tough sometimes but that makes it worth it all the more.

 

The thing with you is you continue to focus your life around past experiences and perceptions. You assume that other peeps are looking at you strangely and you assume what others may be thinking of you right? That just helps you to confirm your negative self perceptions which are a bunch of bologna. Trust me.

 

You must let go of your high school experiences at minimum as those peeps were clearly immature. That verbal abuse you experienced were simply just words which have no real value. You need to work on not letting others actions and words influence your thoughts about yourself. If you continue as you are, it will simply get worse.

 

I know its frickin hard man. You gotta do what you can to always better yourself. Keep your mind busy with your own interests (no, not social phobia ). Do different work, hobbies, helping others or whatever that you enjoy. Anything good for your mind. Take care and PM me anytime if you wanna just talk.

[iggy320]

Sorry to hear about your predicament. Most of the readers in the thread have already provided excellent suggestions.

 

Personally, I'm impressed with how you've dealt with your life, it must be really hard and you seem to be keeping it together. I think you could work on a lot of things.. get everything going for you that you can. Hit the gym and get a solid looking body (as someone already mentioned.) I'm not knowledgable on body dismorphic disorder, you should tell us more. Get really good clothes, great hair, wear contacts if you wear glasses etc. basically anything that will make you feel confident and not self conscious in the way you look.

 

Work on your self talk, don't be negative about anything if you can help it. Catch the negative thoughts and throw them away. Just pretend bad thoughts are like greasy food.. don't eat them! "I can talk to that person.. i can!!" instead of "I can't do it". Even if you can't have great conversation yet, at least you aren't hurting your chances right off the bat with negative self talk.

 

Understand that you do have a condition that makes you shy, and it wasn't your fault. But when you come out of those bindings, you will be so knowledgable on defeating shyness that you can help other people conquer it. Over 50% of the world is shy to some degree.

 

If you have been diagnosed with social phobia, medication is not looked down upon because you most likely have poor serotonin balance in the body chemically. It may make for a more even playing field if you correct it.

 

Don't worry about just seeking girls, seek guys and girls. Treat everybody like a new opportunity.

 

The best techniques I've been using in conversation (and I am very shy also) are taking an interest in other people, and being relaxed around them. Relax, relax, relax, is what I say before I jump into a conversation. As for taking an interest in other people, make it evident that you want to hear about them. People LOVE to talk about themselves!! Just watch people eat up your question as you ask it "Hey how are you finding this class?" "So what are you doing this weekend?" "Hey so did you see the new World Trade Center designs? What do you think of them?" People tend to not care as much if you just talk about yourself anyways, unless they are shy themselves and just want to listen.

 

Well that's it, hope that helps. Focus on my earlier points first if you find my suggestions helpful.

[Fire012]

I've never had a good social life either but I've got severe acne as well. I worked out for 2 years and I still look like a kid. I've never been invited to any party and I can't look at anyone in the eyes because of my acne.Actually i try to go out only at night.However there's a cure to our shyness problem.For 4 days, try not to meet anyone and try to meditate.Forget about everything.....everything.Afterwards go out as if you don't know anything about the world which you want to discover.Just try to ask people anything such as directions,etc....Then try to know them if they seem understanding and patient....Forget you're shy,OKAY

[LostSoul26]

Hi.. I can't really help you I guess, but I wanted you to know I'm kinda in the same situation you are in.. I'm still in HS, but it's my last year

.

 

ttxcbx- One time my alcoholic uncle said to my preacher after a serman- "Pastor Palmer, it sounded like you were preaching directly too me" and the Pastor said - I WAS..... Please let my example not become YOUR LIFE in the coming years, since this is your last year at highschool, be sure and go to your prom..I never did because I was too afraid to ask a girl out.

 

The thing with you is you continue to focus your life around past experiences and perceptions. You assume that other peeps are looking at you strangely and you assume what others may be thinking of you right? That just helps you to confirm your negative self perceptions which are a bunch of bologna. Trust me.

 

shiznit-Yes your are correct....Sometimes I wish I could wake up in the morning and be a youngster again and have a Re-doo!ha, of the past 20 yrs.

I know people say, you are what your past years have made you. And so far in my situation, I haven't cued in on the important aspects of socialization. ANd yes I assume a lot of the time what people think of me-The Seroquell meds are supposed to help with this...but so far not good.

 

Work on your self talk, don't be negative about anything if you can help it. Catch the negative thoughts and throw them away. Just pretend bad thoughts are like greasy food.. don't eat them! "I can talk to that person.. i can!!" instead of "I can't do it". Even if you can't have great conversation yet, at least you aren't hurting your chances right off the bat with negative self talk.

 

Iggy320- Ah Yes, the self talk- I went through some worksheets on that - the 2nd time in rehab for threating suicide. You are so correct, on this, This is my accilies tendon. Ive been trying to control self talk my entire life.

 

 

I've never had a good social life either but I've got severe acne as well. I worked out for 2 years and I still look like a kid. I've never been invited to any party and I can't look at anyone in the eyes because of my acne.Actually i try to go out only at night.However there's a cure to our shyness problem.For 4 days, try not to meet anyone and try to meditate.Forget about everything.....everything.Afterwards go out as if you don't know anything about the world which you want to discover.Just try to ask people anything such as directions,etc....Then try to know them if they seem understanding and patient....Forget you're shy,OK

 

Fire012- I find your solution, interesting. I never have tried meditation. Ive done a LOT OF PRETENDING though. I too Am like you, going out only at night. -best time to go to wally world. As far as my body dismorfic disoder is concerned I will say, I had a big nose during my teen years, and I was always self consious of that. Acne you can at least conceal or attempt to treat..but still I feel your pain. Anyhow several years ago I finally saved up the 6g to have the rhinoplasty, and septoplasty, because I had a hard time breathing the insurance paid some of it. anyhow, I went back to work the second week after surgery and I shouldnt have because I injured my nose during the healing time, and even though its been several years my nose is still red where I had the injury, They tried to laser it and consearlers dont help. SO I look like rudolf...under most lighting situations. So there is an example of why NOT TO DO ELECTIVE PLASTIC SURGERY!!!!!................................................................................................Thank you to ALL THE POSTERS.. I really do appreciate all the advice, Words and suggestions are one thing, but applying them in the real world is a handicap for me and I do realize it, but there is always tomorrow I just dont want my tomorrow be when Im 80ish...

[Fire012]

Hey u no what....Im 19 and hence im kinda positive though i seem to complain a lot. I dont think appearances r important though it may to some. Just try to make some good friends and hold on to them.This takes time however.Im sure they will bring u confidence and other friends.Before i got acne that is two years ago,i was probably one of the coolest guy at high school but the prob was people were scared to speak to me and that's when I realised i was a lone wolf.So never think that others r always better.Just give your life a sense and try to get and tighten some friends.Normally if you believe in anyone, he/she'll believe in u. I just realised that friends r very improtant when i was in a critical problem.And dont forget to cheer up whenever u see urself in the miror because u know and should try to make people understand that: The essential is invisible to the eye but in the heart

[Blue Dreamer]

.

 

shiznit-Yes your are correct....Sometimes I wish I could wake up in the morning and be a youngster again and have a Re-doo!ha, of the past 20 yrs.

 

I know what you mean as my past is not something to brag about. I do as I can to just forget the past as I should. I know its done and whatever was is not now. For me, I dream to take advantage of where I am 2day. Yea its really tough yet so worth it.

 

Live as you you feel man. Yes you cant undo the past but you can start over in your mind if you really want to. Me slightly older than you. I accept my age as thats life but refuse to live like most do. I love to live below my years as livin young keeps my senses at their maximum. You seem to want similar. Do it because u can.

 

If you got membership 2 gym, dont worry bout building relations so much as gettin yourself in shape physically & mentally, you have too much to stem from there. Else shallow powers have strength they dont deserve.

[orangecounty]

Oh man, you make it all sound so depressing. You know what, in high school I never went to any parties, never fit in to any so called "group," never had that many friends but it doesn't matter anymore. I look back on those days and I'm actually really glad I didn't belong to a group or hang out with losers. It's made me the person I am today and I'm proud of that. I know it's no fun being shy or suffering from social phobia, I'm rather shy myself but I work reallly hard at it to try and talk to people and be outgoing. Despite being quite outgoing now, in my very core I'm a very, very shy person and its something I still need to work on in certain circumstances. But don't look at it as a waste of youth, some people are talkative, others are not. One is not better over the other. I think you need to change your perspective on things. And as others said, people do love to talk about themselves so just ask some questions and they'll start rambling so much, you can just sit back and pretend (or not to be interested.

[ttxbcx]

But don't look at it as a waste of youth, some people are talkative, others are not. One is not better over the other.

One is not better than the other, but I for example want to be more outgoing and more talkative.. I would probably give anything to be able to be that person I want to be..

 

So from a persons point of view, one of those two things can be better than the other.

[Blue Dreamer]

I would probably give anything to be able to be that person I want to be..

 

Would you give your legs to be more outgoing and confident? Just kidding. I know how you feel. My greatest motivation right now is to be more outgoing and talkative as I have lived the shy reserved life for too many years. You are a young kid with oppertune years ahead of you in college or the like to hone your communication skills.

[easyguy]

Yep.

 

That's what high school was like for me. I didn't really care about trying to fit in with certain groups. Never went to a single party, didn't go to any dances, etc. It just didn't interest me. There is nothing that says you have to do certain things in order for your high school experience to be fulfilled. Make your high school experience what you want, not a dictation of what others want. That way you can find ways that you can make yourself happy when you're not at school.

 

I took up an instrument just before high school, and during my high school years, that become my life. I'm 19 now, so it wasn't that far in the past. Sure, there are times that I could be happier, but for the most part, I am content with my life and what I chose to do with it. I'm not as shy as I used to be, but I'm also not the super outgoing, talkative type. I just enjoy observing the world and everything it has to offer. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[iggy320]

One is not better than the other, but I for example want to be more outgoing and more talkative.. I would probably give anything to be able to be that person I want to be..

 

So from a persons point of view, one of those two things can be better than the other.

In this case, too much of either extreme is not good. Extreme shyness means you won't talk at all. Extreme talkativeness means you never let other people talk.

[Stinkweed]

Being way too talkative can be pretty annoying sometimes, I think. Like when I'm with someone who is like that sometimes I can't help but think "geez, won't you shut up?". But I think I know what he's talking about. I've had friends who were pretty talkative... I mean, it's hard to explain. They weren't the preppiest/most popular kids in High School, but still managed to have a good quantity of friends, and that's the type of people I always found the easiest to socialize with. Who weren't all THAT similar to me, but I didn't have to do unnatural (I say unnatural to me... I just don't talk THAT much, especially to someone I don't know that well) amounts of conversation in order to avoid moments of silence like it is required with the silent types. But in turn they didn't do all the talking all the time either... In my opinion that's pretty ideal...

[easyguy]

I never liked being around students in high school that talked all the time, non-stop, just blah blah blah blah. You always knew what they were talking about. Some party, some night getting wasted, plans for the weekend, etc. Predictable gossip. It's always nice seeing an extremely talkative person take a break from talking for a while, because once he/she starts talking again after a while, it actually carries a little bit of weight. Not just random jibberish.