sex before marriage

[leyla_h]

Ok, before I start, can I just say that not having sex before marriage is NOT common in England, where I live. Most of the people I know have sex in a long-term loving relationship and I really would prefer it if this thread didn't lapse into a "why do young people throw away their virginity to anyone" discussion, because I'm not talking about throwing it away.

 

Having said this, my boyfriend has told me that he thinks he doesn't want to have sex before marriage.

 

We have been together for a year now and have done everything except sex. Meaning oral sex etc. We talked about sex a couple of times and his reply has always been "I have a few things to sort out in my head first." I was suspicious that it was that he wanted to wait until marriage, but thought it could also be that he was nervous etc.

 

All through the relationship, he's been hinting at having sex, for example "you're going on top when we do it" "you're so lucky I can last for a long time" "I guess you're pleased I'm so big" etc. So you can see how I might think he just wanted to feel comfortable together before we had sex.

 

I'm sitting around thinking that sometime soon he'll bring it up in conversation and we'll start talking about doing it.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago, he tells me that he thinks he might want to wait until marriage.

 

I feel a little disappointed at this. I know I should and I DO respect his decision because I can't take this away from him if he wants to wait. I'm also a virgin but I feel ready to have sex. I love him so much and I wouldn't want to guilt-trip into sleeping with me. But it's just driving me crazy. I want to sleep with him so badly. He says he's happy with what we're doing at the moment, but I just feel I need more. It sounds awful, but that's how I feel.

 

Breaking up with him is NOT an option. I love him too much. We both know we won't be together forever and I just feel that I want to make the most of the time we are together.

 

How can I cope with this? I want to discuss it with him but don't know how to address the situation.

 

Please give your views, I'm trying to sort this out in my head.

[annie24]

"I have a few things to sort out in my head first." I was suspicious that it was that he wanted to wait until marriage, but thought it could also be that he was nervous etc.

 

This is the comment I find a little worrisome. Maybe it is more than wanting to save his virginity until marriage. Do you think that he is happy in your relationship?

 

He could be having second doubts about the relationship, and doesn't want to take away your virginity and lose his to you, if he is unsure of whether this relationship is working.

 

We both know we won't be together forever and I just feel that I want to make the most of the time we are together.

 

Why do you say this? If you both have discussed that the relationship is temporary, maybe he is starting to think you two should lose your virginities to people you are in love with and may have a real future with. Maybe he doesn't just want to 'mess around.'

[maasikus]

oral sex is okay before marriage and not the actual act? Kinda double standard I would say..why don't you talk to him about it and see what his concerns are? Maybe he needs to get "in the mood" with some "seduction"? lol..I cant believe I said that

[hosswhispra]

I would continue to respect his decision.

 

Why do you state the following contradiction?

Breaking up with him is NOT an option. I love him too much. We both know we won't be together forever and I just feel that I want to make the most of the time we are together.

 

If you know now that you won't be together forever, then why are you together now?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It's not waiting before marriage that's the problem.

 

It's his inconsistency, the building you up to knock you down....why does he think it's okay to play with your head like this?

 

Possibly, he is nervous about having sex, and worries he'll be no good or whatever. He's not being overly mature about this one way or the other - he *thinks* he wants to wait until marriage? I mean...does this guy want to sleep with you or not? It'd annoy me - straighttalking needed.

[quietgrl]

leyla_h,

 

I'm a virgin and i hope to lose my virginity to LT boyfirend or my husband.I agree with hosswhispra that you need to respect his wait until marriage decision.It doesn't matter if you think he's lying or not.He needs your support and it not about you having intercourse

This is the one subject i hate talking to other virgin about is this topic.The virgin/nonvirgin in the relationship wants intercourse and the virgin wants to wait until marriage in the relationship .What usually ends up happening is the virgin/nonvirgin who wants intercourse puts a guilt trip on the waiting virgin.The couple ends up having intercourse before their time.

Leyla_h you have a decision to make find another man to lost your virginity too,support your Bf waiting until marriage position or get married so you two can have intercourse.Leyla_H you did say you both love eachother.

[leyla_h]

We are too young to get married now and the reason we know we won't be together forever is that we are both young and going to university next year. I mean, we haven't discussed it, but we both know this won't last forever.

 

Just to make this clear: I don't think he's lying. I agree with what AntiLove_SuperStar said, I think he's just confused. I mean, the reason he gave when he said it was that his grandparents are religious and it's rubbed off on him.

 

And in response to Quietgrl, I refuse to guilt trip him. I won't do it. No matter how much I want to sleep with him.

 

I know this whole thing is confused. We are both young and it's one of those young relationships that's gone long term.

[southerngirl]

I mean, we haven't discussed it, but we both know this won't last forever.[/Quote]

 

That is a good reason to wait. Perhaps because he senses that you feel this way, he doesnt want to lose his virginity just yet to you. Its a special thing that can only be given once.

 

I know this whole thing is confused. We are both young and it's one of those young relationships that's gone long term.[/Quote]

 

You should keep getting to know him. Just because you are planning to go your separate ways to study does not mean you have to break up. You have spent only the last year together. This is but one drop in your lifetime. You have waited this long so why the rush now?

 

I sure wish I could have waited but lost mine when I was 14 to rape. Sometimes I wonder just when I would have lost it... Would it have been my highschool sweetheart? We were together 2 years... Would it have been the man I married after highschool? Whats the rush leyla?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I stand by virginity (rape cases excluded etc) simply being a biological thing that has whatever flavour you put on it . . . like tofu.

[annie24]

That is a good reason to wait. Perhaps because he senses that you feel this way, he doesnt want to lose his virginity just yet to you. Its a special thing that can only be given once.

 

 

 

You should keep getting to know him. Just because you are planning to go your separate ways to study does not mean you have to break up. You have spent only the last year together. This is but one drop in your lifetime. You have waited this long so why the rush now?

 

I sure wish I could have waited but lost mine when I was 14 to rape. Sometimes I wonder just when I would have lost it... Would it have been my highschool sweetheart? We were together 2 years... Would it have been the man I married after highschool? Whats the rush leyla?

 

I agree with southerngirl.

 

maybe he doesn't want to lose his virginity to someone if the relationship isn't stable.

 

are you two getting along well?

 

the thing is.... for many people, having sex means that they are taking the next step in their relationship. That their relationship is becoming more established. however, if you two are saying that you will be parting ways for university, maybe he doesn't want to take that next step, only to break up at some point.

 

do you understand what I'm getting at?

 

maybe that he doesn't want to have sex with you yet may indicate that you two are not on the same page, relationship wise. have you two talked about where your relationship is and where you would like it to go? maybe you should talk about your plans for university together or apart.

[quietgrl]

We are too young to get married now and the reason we know we won't be together forever is that we are both young and going to university next year. I mean, we haven't discussed it, but we both know this won't last forever.

 

Just to make this clear: I don't think he's lying. I agree with what AntiLove_SuperStar said, I think he's just confused. I mean, the reason he gave when he said it was that his grandparents are religious and it's rubbed off on him.

 

And in response to Quietgrl, I refuse to guilt trip him. I won't do it. No matter how much I want to sleep with him.

 

I know this whole thing is confused. We are both young and it's one of those young relationships that's gone long term.

 

Leyla_h,

 

Oooo ok if your bf confused right now.I would let him think because He might come around .

[maasikus]

I would agree to what ya all say...IF they don't even have oral sex...

 

This is like having the cake and eating it too?

[maasikus]

This is like having the cake and eating it too?

 

oops....pun unintended

[leyla_h]

Hmm. Thanks for your opinions. It's all very confusing.

 

Our relationship is fantastic, we get on so well, both as friends and when we're alone. We're both comfortable together physically, I'm the one who had a few nerves when we started off, but now it's really good.

 

I wouldn't say that losing your virginity is something thats considered special in this country anymore. I certainly don't put as much value on it as others would, simply because I feel that when the time is right, I will decide to lose it and if it so happens that that particular relationship doesn't work out, then so be it, I felt it was right at the time.

 

Regarding what Annie said about not wanting to take the next step incase we split up, I don't think this is the case. I just don't know what is going to happen, we might decide to try and stay together in a long distance relationship. We have had oral sex already and done everything else inbetween. I agree with those who think he is just confused about what he wants.

[quietgrl]

leyla_h,

 

Can i share something with you?.I met an online man 3 years ago and we became friends. because he was a 43 year old virgin who never had luck dating women and i was a 33 year old virgin who never dated a man in her life. He was like you.He wanted to lose his virginity and i wasn't ready for intercourse.I wanted sex with commitment and he was a commitment phobe so we stop talking to eachother.

I would never forget what he told me everytime we would disagree over this issue."_____ would you still want me if i lost my virginity ?I never answer his question 3 years ago because i thought it was a strange question.We stop talking in 2004.

Hmm fastforward 2006. I decided to email this guy.Well he lost his virginity this year to a woman i think he maybe hired but what's strange.Our relationship seem more better.We're communicating something we couldn't do in the pass.I don't know if him not being a virgin has anything to do with it but I think i'm failing for him again(damn).The problem is he has a "hired" GF.A woman who only takes care of his sexual needs and not his verbal imtimacy needs.

Leyla_h maybe it wasn't meant for you to lose your virginity to your BF.I would look at all your option.I'm looking at me and my male friend.I wanted to be his first intercourse partner but now.I don't feel that way anymore.My male friend said this for a reason 3 years ago"_______ would you still want me if i lost my virginity."I can answer that question now.Yes!!!!I'm going to see how everything goes and see if the second time around is worth the try. .We both want the same thing now sex with commitment..

[annie24]

Regarding what Annie said about not wanting to take the next step incase we split up, I don't think this is the case. I just don't know what is going to happen, we might decide to try and stay together in a long distance relationship. We have had oral sex already and done everything else inbetween. I agree with those who think he is just confused about what he wants.

 

actually, this is the exact point I am making. You two HAVEN'T clarified where this relationship is headed and if you will stay together in the next year. You're entering a phase where the relationship is at a crossroad. he is probably also wondering if you two will decide to try a long distance relationship, or break up when you finish HS. Perhaps he doesn't want to have sex until that issue is settled. That could easily be what he is confused about.

[leyla_h]

I'm sorry, Quietgrl, but that situation couldn't be anymore different, we are in a committed relationship and we are not arguing over whether we should have sex or not.

 

I saw him the night before last, and you know what? I don't think I care if we sleep together or not. Ok, so I want to badly but whenever I looked at him I knew I'd go with whatever he wants. We might not be together in 5 years time but that doesn't matter. I love him NOW.

 

I felt the same way about my ex and ok so we don't talk anymore, I still don't regret all the time we spent together or what we did together physically.

 

I just think that when he's ready to talk about it, he'll come to me and we can sort it out together.

[quietgrl]

leyla_h,

 

The only thing my story has in common with your story.You want intercourse in the relationship and your Bf doesn't.leyla_h you're like my male friend in a way.You want intercourse and it's an issue in the relationship because if it wasn't you wouldn't say this "I don't think I care if we sleep together or not. Ok, so I want to badly but whenever I looked at him I knew I'd go with whatever he wants." key part Ok so i want to badly

leyla_h you do want intercourse.You're just hiding your feeling and waiting for your Bf to change his mind either on his own or by your influence.What happens 5 years pass by and no intercourse.Well you still be complaining about not having intercourse with your BF.Yes intercourse is an issue in your relationship now.

[leyla_h]

Quietgrl.

Yes, so I want it. But you know? I'm 18 years old (which btw is a perfectly mature age to be and I am old enough to make my own decisions). I've realised by listening to other people's opinions that as long as we are having fun, it doesn't matter anymore.

 

I am NOT like your male friend. I am a young woman who is sensitive to my boyfriend's feelings. We both want to have intercourse, but he is unsure of whether to wait until he gets married or not. It is not such a big issue in the relationship. I am happy with him. If 5 years go by then I might need to rethink it. But right now I'm ok.

 

Please stop telling me what I am and what I'm doing. I thank you for your opionions but I don't have to defend myself against what you are acusing me of. I wanted peoples opinions on how I should handle it, which is what I have got. I didn't want to be acused of presurising my boyfriend into something he didn't want to do. This is what I DON'T want to do. Considering that you have repeatedly said, perhaps it's an issue in your life that you need to address. Please listen to me as opposed to just making acusations.