Need advice re my wife's bizarre behaviour PLEASE?

[vesper]

Ozomega ...I was wondering what happened when you wife returned and if you had made any decisions....All I can say that I want to offer some insight not only because it could be possible that it could help, but that having this thread has helped me because you have been the first person on this forum that I have felt like was in a very similar situation as me.

 

I have been thinking a lot about this thread over the past few days and your story has really touched me deeply because it is very very similar to my situation that I have experienced recently. I dont know how deeply you care about your wife and how committed you are to saving this relationship, but for all of the people out there who just tell you to dump her, they do not understand that true, deep, love and committment is much more compicated than that. You cannot just turn your back on someone that quickly, at least I could not.

 

Let me Explain.

 

Almost exactly the same thing has happened to me. I had an 'affair' while married to my husband, but I really did not *consciously* think of it as that when it happened. When I did what I did, it was almost like I acted out this *play* if you will that intently felt right down to the last detail. Then somehow at the end of that *play* I went backstage,got out of my costume and then I realized a lot of things. Of course, I did not just talk to a random guy or meet a random person at a bar or anything, I decided that I was going to get in touch with someone that I had a completely pure relationship with , from a happier time and place.....and based on nothing else but innocence, joy, and love.... that it was a good decision to choose this *particular* person for the affair as he was the person that has made me feel the *safest* that I have ever felt in my entire life....I went to sleep, I committed marital suicide and by going in search of a dream something not in this world....

 

Then the place, I decided to travel overseas to persue this affair in a place that I had been extremely successful, happy, young, secure, confident, and powerful. Please bear in mind that all of this was happening to me at a *sub-conscious* level at the time, it has only been through months of therapy, friends, soul-searching, and wonder that I have figured this stuff out and I really think it has just become crystal clear since you have started posting because I *am* your wife. (maybe) We both share this in common and precisly this is what I believe has been the source of pain inside me.

 

Fact #1: You say she is muslim - IN islam you will be stoned to death if you committ an act of adultry.

 

I am also muslim and although I do not practice this religion, I grew up here in the united states, my skin is very milky and white, and I speak English with no accent, I am STILL connected to that world because I am was born in an islamic country and one that is extemrely hated in the world right now. It does not matter if I had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a name like 'jane' 'doe' It would still be the same because of what is inside my heart.

 

What is inside my heart:

Although I dont know a lot of things about islam, I do know a few very standard things. I know that in Islam girls at a VERY young age through media, even if it is just for a second an idea gets implanted into their thoughts that if you commit an act of ADULTREY your husband or any man in your society has the right to take you out and stone you to death. It is a fact. Do you know what kind of fear this puts in a little childs head?

 

so REMEMBER : FEAR of the ACT of ADULTRY

 

Fact #2: The state of the world, currently muslims are hated by the majority of the western world because of many random acts of terrorism that have been happening, including what happened in September ( that honestly breaks my heart to little tiny pieces when I think about it )

 

The fact that she is married to you, a western guy as I am married to my husband who is an american guy.... The state of FEAR and LOATHING of middle-easterns and muslims is so hight right now on the 'richter scale, we know it we can feel that hatred of the world towards us. There is nothing in the world like knowing that you had nothing to do with something, by merely by your heritage, 'name', religion you are simply connected even if by six degrees of seperation, the fact that you are connected to that, means simply that you are evil and not only for men ( I know my father has been under tremendous stress is entire life although he is just a silly man who is the life of the party, was a gymnast in college lol that you could possibly really start to feel fear, hatred, humiliation, anger, resentment, accusation, for absolutely nothing that you did at all. It is a hate and fear that is building up in this world as to no end and we all sit there with our arms crossed because we believe it, we believe that there *is* good and evil and that we as a western society have decided that we dont care if innocent human beings are being slaughtered every day and we have become that apethetic.

 

So , I am sorry to rant but this is really reaching the deepest part of my emotions.

 

The moment in real life that me or your wife start to feel like the outside society is grouping them in with the evil ones, is when it all starts to go down hill. It happened to me. I am a brilliant architect with a lot of creative talent. A story comes up on the news about my country and I go to work the next day and the guy who I thought was my best friend at work makes a comment about the place I was born. OUCH

 

Now back to the story of me and your wife both being 2 middle-eastern /muslim women who are starting to feel powerless in their current situation. We start looking at the source of this hate. Then We start getting paranoid that the reasons that our life is going down the tube is because of something that we cannot control. The powerful men on the media, the hate, the anguish and we start to feel like that those men are so powerful that they are going to start influencing our husbands, our own dearest loves that we have ever known.

 

Can you imaging the most feared thing in the universe? To find out that the person that you are in love with is starting to become prejudice against you and starting conjure up hate because of the state of the world and things we possible cant control. I decided that I could see it happening. There were small comments here and there.

 

I decided that my only way out of utter pain, destruction , and humiliation would be to have an affair. Its completely opposite of what is going on in the world. YES LETS DISTRACT OUR husbands so They dont hate us for who we are, ie our heritage, but that they decide to hate us for having an affair. NOW THAT is something that I could live with because the other scenario would be too painful to bear.

 

We decide to have affairs, act strange, like we are going mad, not make sense, because that is what will save us. Because we want LOVE to save us. We want LOVE to save us, we cant bear the thought of hate its too too painful for us.

 

ADULTRY AND STONE KILLINGS

 

Now, we both obviously have western cultures and know that our husbands would not possibly take us out and stone us to death. They are of western culture. That validates us and our lives and our decisions that we have made and makes us remember that we our not crazy and that we are not evil. It is saving us. Thats my explanation.

 

THE GREATEST FEAR IN ME IS TO HAVE MEN THAT I HAVE LOVED HATE ME BECAUSE OF MY HERITAGE ESPECIALLY BY THE Media and liars.

 

As what to do. I am still trying very very hard to make things work , although sometimes world events , things like war, injustice, and hate are stronger and more powerful than what two people in love in the real world can handle. Wars separate families. Hate kills love. Injustice takes away all that was once beautiful, simple and innocent in the world. It is a FACT.

 

I dont know if the world can ever recover to what has happened to it. I have not been able to. Ever since what happened in 2001, I remember watching the TV feeling like the world had ended and I was watching it on TV and then I was just there in a bad dream and I could not wake up no matter what I did.

 

I personally can only link all of this to the times, I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to go to sleep and wake up in a dream. I want to kill myself everyday because I cant wake up from the nightmare. I am in a nightmare and I want to die. I want to escape to a pure and beautiful place where people are happy and that they smile . Just smile....

 

I am sorry for all of this, I just cant bear to watch this happen when I feel like maybe I can say something, anything to help. I wont sit back anymore. I wont let it happen. I wont. And honestly I am very afraid about what I posted. because I dont feel safe. It is not possible to safe in the world that we live in. There is not any place on this earth that has not been tarnished by the events since that day. There is not one person in this world who does not have those images or the impact of the media of all of this forever on their mind. There is no such place left that exists. And that is really really really really depressing.

 

And thats why I rebel. That is why I rebel because that Is all I can do. So basically I tried to take the things that I have have had the most fear of, adultrey, men, men stoning me to death for cheating, people hating me and tried to kill these demons and deep down inside I feel like one particular person thinks that I used him and I dont know what to say. I never meant to hurt him and I never meant to hurt my husband because I if I hurt either of them, I am sorry.

 

I dont know maybe I see or *imagine* my husbands hate coming out and I think that the only person in this entire world who could not possibly be capable of this would be the man that I had an affair with. At the time he seemed like the only person that could have enough love in his heart to save me. PURE LOVE....pure love is going to save us. Love is gonna save us.

[ozomega]

Aminae, I don't know what to say.

 

Don't you think that it's your husband;s love that could have saved you and that an "affair" can never be "pure" because it is based upon a lie, there's no real commitment it's just a fantasy. The reason there are no serious discussions and it seems like a fairy tale is because it IS a fairy tale, it's not serious and it's not real.

 

I really think you (and my wife) need to take the best things from the Muslim way of life - the fidelity, the love of family members, the strong moral teachings-and be proud of that. Because when Muslims behave badly it only fuels the liars and the bigots who accuse Muslims of being hypocritical and evil. So I am confused as to how an affair can help you rise above these "fears" you have. If you are afraid of the consequences of having an affair, why have one? Be faithful to your husband, be a good wife and you will be able to work through any differences you may have. Your husband is not going to hate you because of the acts of a few extremist terrorists, just because of comments made in the media. If your husband knows you as a loving, caring wife he is not going to hate you-he would support you against the bigots saying - "look here at this wonderful loving, faithful, kind, gentle Muslim wife I have. THAT's what Islam is supposed to be about, not the violent acts of these radical terrorists."

 

SO if that's the root cause of my wife's bizarre behaviour and your affair (and in my wife's case I doubt this is true though it might be one of the factors) then can't you see that by your reaction you are bringing about the very thing you fear?

[Rabican]

Well said DBL, ive been tempted to just flat out tell Ozo that he needs to be a man, stand firm and put his foot down... DONT TAKE THIS CRAP MAN!!!! grrrrr ! But I know how he feels, I went through some problems with my girl for a while and I felt like she was walking on me. I kept thinking it would get better, we could work it out. Sometimes you just gotta walk softly but carry a big stick. In this case I would go for the stick... but its something Ozo will have to come to on his own. If I were going through a similar situation now I would throw her out in a second... she leaves for a week and doesnt contact him, then shows up and says I dont know what I want... Pfffft!! Id toss her out so fast she wouldnt know what happened.

I think the most important thing is for him to be HAPPY and this debacle of a relationship with a woman who clearly isnt in it for his feelings.... isnt gonna make him happy.

[Rabican]

One last thing Oz, if you heed no other advice do yourself a favor and heed this:

 

Tell your wife (ex) that unless she is going to 1. come clean and tell you what is going on in her life, 2. end this second life she is leading, and 3. work on rebuilding your trust and relationship then she can just NOT show up at all until she leaves for overseas.

By continuing to allow her to come and go, and be intimate with her, talk about 'maybe' getting back together, or working it out etc. you are just setting yourself up for even more hurt when she does go. You need to do whats best for you right now, and be strong and tell her where you stand. You WILL NOT BE WALKED ON by her. Tell her that much. I would call her and say hey, get over here and get your stuff, then get out and dont call me back EVER unless you are ready to take steps 1-3 from above.

Also if you had unprotected sex, you really should head down to the clinic/ doctor etc. and get checked out. Then do it again in a few months just to be sure that you wife didnt bring some plague home with her.

I feel for ya in this situation man, I really hope things work out for you. But I think the best thing you can do is be strong and resolute and do not bend. If your marriage is meant to be, then your wife will come back on her own and you can work it out. But as it stands now, its done and you need to focus on minimizing your hurt through this whole thing. Clinging to some false hope, a fragment of your relationship, a shell of the woman that you once knew... is not going to help you.

[2ndplace]

Well, I think you SHOULD obviously go with Bethany's advice. When I read your story, I thought the same thing that she did. Though I don't know if it could be breast cancer, the fact that she did have a lump, sends a red flag signal. I would advice you should talk to your wife.

 

Here's a site that has some sympthoms... I don't know if it's updated. I hope it will help.

 

link removed

 

As for how you will go about asking her, That's a different story.

Some women might find if offensive or get upset if you were to bring up something that they don't want to share. This is a delicate issue whether or not related to cancer. But at the same time, it's difficult not to bring it up. It could be life or death.

[ozomega]

Rabican, don't worry I did NOT have unprotected sex with my wife.

Wouldn't want to these days.

 

As for telling her not to come home at all-I've thought about this, and whilst it might be good for my ego it would also be cutting my nose off to spite my face. At least she's paying half the rent and I'm getting some 'perks' til she goes back. And if she's got another lover-well she's not exactly being faithful to HIM right now is she, and I'll bet she doesn't pay half HIS rent!

 

So I think after careful consideration I will let her keep coming home each week for as long as she pays half the rent. Then, when she goes overseas, that will be it. I will tell her at the airport, "don't bother ever coming back. I won't be here anyway. I never want to hear from you or see you again. I'm moving away."

 

As a result of all this I am planning on moving overseas myself - but NOT to the same country as my wife is going to.

[Stambler]

Oz,

 

Didn't you ask where she was? I find it so strange that she didn't tell you. This entire thing is very strange - my heart goes out to you.

 

I would refrain from saying " don't bother ever coming back. I won't be here anyway. I never want to hear from you or see you again. I'm moving away." it will sound to her as if you are hurt and acting childish. Even though you may feel hurt, and you DO deserve to act a bit childish after what she did to you, she doesn't deserve to know that. I would suggest saying "Best of luck with your new life, I too am moving on". And why would you take her to the airport? Don't even suggest it, act surprised if she asks you to come and say "Oh, thanks for asking but I wasn't planning on being there..." Perhaps you could have something else planned for yourself that day...

 

Good Luck and please take care of yourself!

[ozomega]

Camber-there's no point asking where she is because I know she wouldn't tell me the truth anyway-she most probably wouldn't tell me at all. It would just create an argument. Yes it's strange. Everything about my wife is strange these days.

 

I used to ask where she was going and she would lie to me so what's the point? Once a long time ago I called her when she was out and asked where she was and she said she was at a particular friend's house. I called her friend and it turned out her friend was out of town for the weekend with her boyfriend and didn't know anything about where my wife was-she didn't have a clue! Then my wife got angry with ME for "checking up on her" with her friends and for "not trusting" her. I don't want to be lied to again so it's better not to even ask where she goes. What does it matter now anyway, now the relationship is over?

 

The reason I'm planning on going to the airport is I want to make sure she gets on that plane and I want to say a few things to her before she leaves.

That will be the final closure I need.

[maasikus]

ozo-

 

I must tell you I find this whole series of "incidents" bizarre. Here's why:

 

1. You both "communicate" using text messaging when it comes to very serious issues that could make/break your relationship.

 

2. Her friend tells you she is sleeping with another guy, and her actions pretty much say the same thing, and you do not ask her or even mention it to her, and ask her what she has to say about this "accusation".

 

3. She leaves home for a long weekend without telling you anything about where she is or what she is doing. And you do not stop her and ask what is going on.

 

4. You don't call her folks up asking if she is there.

 

5. She texts you during her escapade wishing you a good night and you reply back wishing her the same.

 

6. She comes back after a probably wild weekend, and you ask her how her weekend was!!!

 

7. You try to talk about what happened and she is not participating in a grown-up conversation. And you don't ask for much explanation before she leaves.

 

8. She comes back a couple of days later to take shower, have sex and pay half the rent. And then leaves!?! I can't help wondering if she thinks the house is a brothel/hotel?

 

9. You both have sex after all these events. I m sorry to say this, but I can't help wondering how you both got intimate when you have way too much unresolved issues going on for the past few days.

 

10. She tells you she will be leaving the country in abother 4 weeks and does not want to spend that time in the house. And you don't ask her for an explanation.

 

Don't you both feel like there needs to be a closure? I mean, I feel for you that she is treating you so bad, but I can't help but think that you are partly responsible for why she is treating you this way. It is like she does not respect you or your feelings. And you do not seem to care much about it. I could be wrong, I am judging all this only from your posts. I am not sure if you are one of those extremely polite and forgiving guys who can put up with all kind of behavior. If I were you, I would NOT put up with all this. Atleast, if she doesnt have anything to say to you, you could change the house locks and throw all her stuff out. But you have no issues with her coming home and "using" you. And to top it all, you say and I quote

 

"At least she's paying half the rent and I'm getting some 'perks' til she goes back. And if she's got another lover-well she's not exactly being faithful to HIM right now is she, and I'll bet she doesn't pay half HIS rent!"

 

She is YOUR wife. And you think you win because though she sleeps with both of you, she pays your rent and not his!!!!!!!

 

Sorry dude, I do not think she is the only one to blame. The only way you can really move on from this mess is kick her out of your life and house ASAP, until any explanation from her side for all the things that are going on.

 

We are here to support you, but we would like to see you be more tough when it comes to your wife.

 

Maasikus

[ozomega]

Maasikus, I agree it's bizarre and believe me I didn't choose for things to have descended to this farcical level.

 

The most important thing to understand is that my wife WILL NOT COMMUNICATE. I've been through all the stages of asking for explanations etc, and I've GIVEN UP because I get NOWHERE with that line. I've been through the stage of triying to phone her to discuss things. It's got to the point where she will not answer her phone-she will only communicate via text message. I went through a stage where I was calling her up to 20 times a day. When the phone is NEVER being picked up eventually any sensible person gives up trying to communicate, to call or to ask questions.

 

I went through a stage, ages ago, of sending text messages saying we had to talk, "I need a wife I can talk to", and not just in SMS. As you rightly said, serious issues should not be discussed via SMS they need to be talked about in a real conversation.

 

(Found a good article on this point called 'Love and Text' - link removed )

 

But what can you do when the other person simply REFUSES to communicate verbally either in person or on the phone and will ONLY communicate via text message? And then won't send anything except the occcasional "Have a good day" and "Nite nite" and (in response to similar from me) "u2?"

 

I can see how my post about "at least getting half the rent paid...perks" etc might seem that I also don't care and hence am partly to blame, but I've reached this point after months and months of bizarre behaviour from my wife that has left me feeling if I can salvage ANYTHING from this it's better than nothing. And 'til she goes overseas at least if she's paying half the rent I don't end up losing EVEN MORE financially than I've already lost because of this dead-end relationship.

 

I am fully intending on never seeing my wife again but I will wait until she gets on the plane because THAT'S WHEN IT SUITS ME, financially and strategically to finally end things totally. You say I sound cold about this. That's the point I've come to after YEARS of caring and supporting her financially and emotionally, and MONTHS of HELL she's put me through. I'm consciously trying to be cold about this now to avoid being hurt further. She is cold. If I keep chasing her I will only keep pushing her away and make myself look like a fool in the process.

 

I might be a bit slow on the uptake but I've got the message from my wife's behaviour - she's just using our place as 'storage' til she goes overseas and doesn't want to be inconvenienced by having to face uncomfortable issues with me relating to her abandonment of me and her breaking of her marriage vows.

 

That comment I made about "at least she still pays half the rent" and "I bet she doesn't pay half his rent"..."she's not being faithful to him either" is more an attempt to salvage my damaged ego and let me at least think I haven't COMPLETELY been victimised in this. It doesn't mean I'm happy about this situation! On the other hand from a purely pragmatic perspective... Rents are seriously expensive these days!.I'm sure there are other things she'd rather be spending her money on than rent afor our place when she's not even staying there now. I'm sure the other guy would be appalled if he knew she was coming around and seeing me like that and still paying half the rent-she's probably told him the same bull she used to tell me about her ex-boyfriend-That it was all over long ago and she never sees me any more.. And she's probably pleading poverty with him the way she used to with me. (In fact she owns her own home and business overseas, and she's nowhere near as poor as she pretends to be.)

 

Sooner or later whoever she is seeing now will find out what's really been going on too and it will put strain on that relationship too. I'm starting to think this isn't the first time that my wife has done this sort of thing and it won't be the last. Better off without her...but for the next few weeks might as well make it as easy as I can on myself.

 

By the way "her folks" live overseas and they don't speak English.

"My folks" also live overseas.

So neiher "my folks" or "her folks" get to see how she's behaving.

Very convenient for her.

 

You tell me to be tougher with my wife but how can you be tough with someone when they WON'T TALK to you and they HARDLY SEE you? Yes I will end it completely when she gets on that plane, but that's the time it suits me. In the meantime I'm not going to waste one single cent on that cold ungrateful cheating woman, so if she's still paying half the rent it pays me to let her use this place as "storage" in the meantime. I will move out as soon as she gets on the plane.

 

And whilst the comment about getting half the rent paid and being intimate twice a week being better than nothing might seem callous, cold and to present me in a bad light - remember that all this was NOT of my choosing. I wanted a loving genuine exclusive relationship. This bizarre situation was not of my doing.

 

But now it's descended to this point, looking at it as purely a 'balance sheet' type of thing, what SINGLE guy wouldn't think it was alright to have some 'perks' twice a week and get half the rent paid in the process? I didn't WANT to have to think like this, but the only other alternative is to feel like a complete loser.

 

However, when she came around the other day remember that I thoguht at the time this may be a prelude to her doing what I'd asked and coming back to stay with me on a permanent basis. I'd given her an ultimatum the previous time remember? It was only AFTER she'd paid the rent and we'd been intimate that she told me she was NOT coming back but that she would still pay half the rent because "I keep my promises...not like you.") I soon set her straight on this point-I had to say something in response to that, because it was so bizarre and untrue-SHE had broken SO MANY important promises to me-to my knowledge I have NEVER broken a single promise I made to her. She didn't have an answer to the list I gave her of promises she'd broken and promises I'd kept. SHe just said it was "all in the past don't talk about it!")

 

Where I'm going with this is I agree it's ridiculaous to still be intimate with her after all this.

Next time she comes home I will tell her I don't want to be intimate with her any more,that all I wanted is a genuine relationship and doing that with no love or warmth or feeling just chaepens the act and makes me feel dirty. I will tell her if she still wants to pay half the rent and to leave her stuff here til she goes overseas she can, but apart from that I don't want anything to do with her.

 

How does that sound?

[Rabican]

Just looking out for ya there dude, I dont think the sex, occasional visit by her, trying to talk to her but not resolving anything is going to help you at all. Im looking out more for your 'psychological' well being here, more than anything.

 

And as far as the communication thing not working... seems there is one thing you have not tried that I would. I would simply DEMAND to know what was going on. Sure its over, but she is your wife for now the least and I do mean the very least she can do is give you an honest explaination. I would straight up tell her, if I dont have a legitimate explaination of what has happened, then I will change the locks, and remove all of your property from MY house. Shes still got a place to store her stuff, take a shower, a roof if needed, a kitchen to cook in etc. etc. meanwhile you are left with the shattered remains of your marriage and not a damn clue as to what happened. Maybe its not as important to you as it would be to me, but I would insist on finding out what happened... and if she was not willing to tell, then I would not be willing to spare her another second of my time, money, effort, use of my house, car, etc.

Either way, good luck.

[Rabican]

your last post sounds good by the way... also what are you doing about a divorce? you may want to look into how that works if she goes out of the country... is she gonna come after you 6 months for now and try to divorce/ sue you? or can you pursue her, or do you just want it over?

 

Personally I would be going after her for any and all money that I could get.

[ozomega]

Rabican, I did once ask what the hell was going on and I got no response at all-it was like talking to a brick wall.

 

I don't think I've got a snowball's chance in hell of getting my hands on any of her assets if we divorce- all her assets are overseas. And I don't think I'd have any standing in her country as a foreigner unless I was living there.

 

As far as a divorce goes, I am planning to tell her before she gets on that plane that I want a divorce. I'll have to wait 1 year from when she leaves for overseas. I don't want any money out of this I just want it to be legally over.

 

I'm planning to put it to her along the lines of this:

 

"I respect your decision to leave me. I think you are doing the right thing. We didn't make each other happy. I am moving on with my life too. I'll send you the divorce papers next year and we will both be free to marry someone else one day, who will hopefully be more good for us."

 

I don't want to play the "blame game" or to get any money out of this.

My maxim is "first do no harm" and I'll be reasonable about this so my soon-to-be x-wife has as little ammunition as possible to justify her disrespect of me.

[DBL]

I don't think any of this is bizare. I can just tell by this thread that you are ignorant and weak. You act like this is just starting to happen, but when we read through this been happening for a while. What do you want us to tell you, because apparently you don't want to listen to anybody...you just keep dragging this thread on. She doesn't want you, she is doing someone else, get over and move on already. If this is the way you are I would of left you too. Your telling us you are over it, but yet you are still trying to figure it out. There is nothing to figure out she doesn't want to be with you. Everyone here accepted this already but you.

 

Aminae great story(not)...everyone should claim they cheat unconscously. Especially while buying a plane ticket and sleeping with someone else. Why bother being married if you don't accept your wedding vows?

 

DBL vbmenu_register("postmenu_1228342", true);

[ozomega]

I thought we were here to support each other DBL.

Apparently I was wrong.

 

I can tell just from YOUR post that you are callous, arrogant and unfeeling.

You know NOTHING about me except what I have posted here yet you accuse me of being "ignorant" and "weak."

 

If you knew who I am, what I do and anything whatsoever about me you would not be so quick to jump to that conclusion. I've faced dangerous situations on a daily basis in my work that you could probably only imagine, and I've faced them with confidence and poise. I have two university degrees and a lot of practical experience in the ways of the world. "Ignorant" and "weak"? I don't think so. Compassionate, caring and persistent? Yes. If it's being "weak" and "ignorant" to feel love for your wife and to persist despite her mistakes then I'm guilty as charged. But better to be that way than to be cold and unfeeling or to jump to conclusions about people and run away as you obviously do.

 

Running away from one's problems is true "weakness."

Not trying to understand others is true "ignorance."

Persisting despite the difficulties, and trying to keep one's commitments and see things through-that's much harder than the apporach suggested by your simplistic answer to life's dramas. Persisting despite the obvious difficulties and trying to see it through, that's true strength. You bandy around the terms "weak" and "ignorant" but I don't think you even know the meaning of true "strength" or "weakness", of "ignorance" or "enlightenment." It's got nothing to do with the size of your abs or how callous you can be.

 

YOUR solution is that I should've run away at the first sign of trouble. You coward!

[Stambler]

Get off your ego trip DBL. Those probably aren't even your Abs in the avatar!

[DBL]

I don't run away from problems...I'm just smart enough to know when the relationship is over. I'm not the one wondering why my wife left. I'm not the one dwelling on something that is obviously over. I'm not the one still asking my wife to come home. You don't want my advice I won't reply to this thread no more. Nobody here can help you because you just want to feel sorry for yourself that your wife doesn't want to be around you anymore. Honestly I'm thinking that there is another side to the story other then what you are telling us. I notice you never mention anything you do wrong, only what she has done wrong.

 

Camber...I have to take your comments as a complement. The fact that you think it can't be my abs, means I must be doing a good job of keeping my body fit. Do I sense some jealousy from you?

 

DBL

[ozomega]

DBL if I thought I'd done anything wrong I would tell you.

I've honestly done my best in very difficult circumstances.

 

You are right that the relationship with my wife is over-I've said as much.

Remember you have the benefit of 20-20 hindsight.

For a long time I was getting mixed signals and there could have been several explanations, including my wife's clinical depression and her earlier breast condition.

 

Now it's obvious that she just had another agenda all along, but that wasn't so obvious until recently i.e. until after this thread started.

 

I guess we can't all be as smart as you are when it comes to relationships. We are not all blessed with a crystal ball that tells us the future and the exact point at which to stop trying. IF we all were as 'smart' as you claim to be when it came to relationships we wouldn't even need this forum.

 

Oh, and your abs are quite impressive to be sure - especially for a man your age.

 

And your advice is appreciated-your insults and negative innuendos are not.

[DBL]

The way I look at it. I had less sight then you had. I can only go off the information you give. We aren't talking about hindsight now anyway. We are talking about how she is leaving you. That is the present. My 20/20 foresight says if you don't comprehend this now, it may be a drawn out process.

 

Most people never think they do anything wrong. I can think back to a lot of things I done wrong in my marriage. Granted she put the nail in that coffin, but I know I bought the supplies.

 

No I guess we can't be as smart as me. I learned as I grew. I can pick the signs up early. How many times you think back and say "I remember this happening, that should of been the sign". Well I know the signs now. There are some gerneral guides that you can usually see.

 

Thanks for the comps on my abs. People don't ever pick me at 36. In fact as I was setting up a date with this chick, it was all good until I told her my age. She thought I was in my late 20's. I just have good genes..if you seen my sister you would think she was in her early 20's. She is 38 not an ounce of fat. People think she is my younger sister. Now I went on another date with a 38 year old and the waitress said she thought it was nice that my older sister would take me out to dinner. The girl said don't tip her, I gave her double.

 

Anyway...I apologize if it seems I am coming off rude. I believe more in tough love and not cuddling like other members here. I don't believe in analyzing situations or trying to find reasons. If I thought you had a prayer to get her back I would definitely take a different approach. Relationships are cruel and you aren't the first to be blind sided.

 

DBL

[DN]

Thread locked for flaming and disrespect.