Am I dead and someone forgot to tell me at the pearly gates?

[ElektraHere]

Hello Everyone,

 

If any of you have ever followed my posts I had this friend Robert. Well we had our ups and our down down downs.

Long story short ~ We met, everything was great , I liked him, he liked me as a friend, I wanted more, he didnt, ended friendship, then after some time we reaquainted. We are friends and he has helped me through some tough times.

 

It has been like it was before the down times. He has been available, we joke, talk, and it's just like old times.

 

Here is where it gets a bit gray for me......

 

When we were friends before he just *poof would vanish. He wouldnt answer or return my calls, he would not answer my IMs because he would be under invisible, and he doesn't respond to my emails. When we were reconnecting we were laying out our boundaries. I mentioned to him that he can't just up and disappear. He said he wouldnt because he would lay out his boundaries a little bit better.

 

Saturday AM I saw him on IM so I said "Good Morning." You know the standard. He said "hold on a sec." So I was and then *poof he signed off. That was the last time I "talked" with him. He is not responding to me at all.

 

So my questions enotters......

1. If you had a friend like this how would you react?

2. Do you think common courtesy is applicable here?

3. Do I have a right to feel upset about his actions towards me?

4. Any constructive critisism???

 

I just feel like I am reliving this mission impossible moves again and I really dont know how to react? I have never had a friend that all of a sudden starts ignoring me.

[annie24]

Ok, I will answer your questions in order:

 

1. Actually, I have had friends like that, in fact, I posted this exact same type topic last september about it. basically, I just stopped IMing him, and let them (it happened with 2 friends!) IM me and get a hold of me. When I let them do that, they talked to me when they had time to talk, and our conversations were more enjoyable.

 

2. Ug, yeah, it would be common courtesy to say, "sorry, gotta go" but things seem to fly out the window when it comes to IM. I've done that too, where I get a phone call, or get a knock at the door, and I forget all about the person I am IMing with. *sigh* it happens. That, and I never sign off my messenger, so I do have people try to contact me when i am not there.

 

3. i think it's just a waste of time to be upset. you don't want to get wrinkles! it happens all the time.

 

4. I think in this situation with robert, maybe you should let him be the one to initiate conversations, IMs, etc.... ie, only respond to him when he writes you, don't contact him first. and if you only talk 3 times a year then, so be it. a friendship has to be mutual and balanced and it won't work if you are doing 90% of the effort and he is doing 10%. it seems that you are more dedicated to the friendship right now than he is, so maybe best to step back and let the equilibrium be re-established by letting him make contact.

 

good luck and (((HUGS)))

[NJRon]

I have an issue with engaging and withdrawing. But, the only way I could see to that extent is if I was having issues with our relationship... Out of balance. Otherwise, I would be free to mention I needed to withdraw... he is out of bounds for friendship... as far as I am concerned... but, maybe I am picky...

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I had a friend that did the same thing ... i did what Annie suggested- i just backed off and let him make contact...... i knew he would always be my friend....i just learned he was one of those people who would come in and out of my life. eventually we became even closer and would talk together for hours and then one of us would phase out and then phase back in again.

 

Funny, just had a conversation about this tonight with someone lol =)

[itsallgrand]

Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean! I had one friend who was particularly bad for that.

What would happen is: As soon as I would start initiating more calls and get-togethers and whatnot, poof, he'd be disappearing or giving lame excuses for not taking my time into consideration. I get rather upset when someone says they will call, or do whatever, and they do not stick to their word or give a sign to let me know what's up.

Anyhoo, when I would disengage and allow only him to contact, he'd be all cool and not do the old disappearing act or lame excuses.

Then, i'd start intiating, and the cycle would begin again.

I stopped initiating at all, and found myself annoyed when he would call.

 

Honestly, I had do a cut-out completely. It just didn't work for me, because it was making me feel like it was all about his convience.

 

The dude was just a flake and couldn't say things outright. Fine. But I'm too old for that.

 

Don't have any advice really. If you figure it'd be cool with you to have a loose and 'whenever' flash-appearance friend in Robert, and that it'd be worth it, then yeah, i'd go the 'let him contact you' route.

 

Weighing in the blood pressure rising factor in there. Whatever is comfy for you.

[Relationship Coach]

He really isn't a friend.

 

RC

[annie24]

 

 

 

my posts from last year....

[Honey Pumpkin]

Long story short ~ We met, everything was great , I liked him, he liked me as a friend, I wanted more, he didnt, ended friendship, then after some time we reaquainted. We are friends and he has helped me through some tough times.

 

 

Hi there,

 

Agree with the above posters. The only thing I have to add is - are you over the romantic feelings for this guy? Because when it's someone who is a friend and nothing else, I can handle them being a bit 'off' or doing the vanishing act. It might bother me a bit, but because it's rude. However, when it's someone I have feelings for, those sorts of actions cut me to the quick, and I feel really wounded.

 

It's tough reconnecting in those circumstances, and huge well done for negotiating some tricky territory with this guy! I reckon the thing to do is as the above posters said, and let him contact you. Makes you feel less like you're the one doing the waiting and worrying.

 

All the best

[ElektraHere]

I just think it is rude and not very friend like. It's funny I would say that a girlfriend of mine hasn't called and he would say"have you called her?" He said "Sometimes you have to go to them." I am doing that and nothing!

 

I am upset, just because we had talked about it (the vanishing acts) and he said he wouldn't do that again.

[annie24]

well.... "sometimes you have to go to them" and sometimes.... you have to let them come to you

[ElektraHere]

Annie

 

I read your posts and they are very relatable. I am just going to live my life. If he wants to be a part of it then that is wonderful if not then his loss of a great true blue friend.