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So my GF is a stalker


ForAnother
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Yeah, so we have been having problems lately... but this one has made my laugh and I think its ridiculous.

 

So I went to a party (she went to a diff party with her friends). Anywho so a picture of me and my best friend are on facebook. If anyone knows anything about facebook, when a pic is up someone can tag it to your name. However the picture was not tagged to my name but my buddies. Even then, my gf couldn't comment on it unless she hunted through my buddies friend who TOOK the photo.

 

So basically she snooped through the internet to think she could find me a liar that certaintly wasn't there.

 

God. I guess I need to end this. What do I say? Do i just say "later" or do i sit her down? She deserves a long explanation but I don't have the ability to do it. Cuz I'll just end up breaking down and we'll do the "one last chance" deal.... which will be good for a month then fall to pieces again.

 

-ForAnother

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Hmm. interesting.

 

I dunno she had to go through my friends page (who she hardly knows) and then find the pic (amongst about 200) then to comment on it she had to go through HIS friend's page... hunt for the pic, then able to comment. Thats a lot of work to comment on a pic.

 

Thats just my opinion. But hmm...

 

Perhaps she wasn't stalking, but I guess I'm just a little uncomfortable. For instance Im not searching through all the pics of her... or her friends to see if she hooked up with any guys...

 

Just kind of annoying.

 

ForAnother

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Having read your previous posts about this girl it is possible that she was checking up on you.

 

You said before that you didn't feel compatible with her because she was jealous and emotional etc.

 

If you want to break up with her then you should do it very soon and as gently and as compassionately as possible - but without leaving any hope that you would consider getting back together. All you need say is that the relationship isn't working for you and you are not happy. Long explanations are not a good idea - all that leads to is promises to change and pleas to give it another chance.

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Perhaps she wasn't stalking, but I guess I'm just a little uncomfortable. For instance Im not searching through all the pics of her... or her friends to see if she hooked up with any guys...

 

Just kind of annoying.

 

ForAnother

 

Well, maybe this is a deeper issue then. Let's say part of her motivation is to see, "So how much fun did he have at this party, anyway?" To be honest, I would naturally feel the same way if I cared about someone.

 

If you don't feel any inclination to do the same...could it be because you wouldn't really care if she hooked up with someone else?

 

Or could it be you're not that interested in what she's doing, period?

 

If either, I guess what I see here is a rather significant disparity in interest. That's the problem in your relationship. Not that she's a "stalker."

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Maybe she was just bored and was looking through all of her friends pictures, and came accross that one..

 

But whatever the case, you haven't been feeling good about your relationship for some time now.

 

I think that the fact that things are now making you uncomfortable just shows that you really need to do something about it, and perhaps that means end the relationship with her?

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Yeah. I suppose you're both right.

 

Its just I'm having a hard time "breaking the news" to her. DN gave me some good advice, but I just don't know how to initiate it and whatnot... Im just concerned for her... she is going to get so depressed

 

+ she is the kind of person to spread rumors... so she'll talk so much crap about me, which I'll have to just ignore best I can... but how long will that take?

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ForAnother, I read a post from someone the other day that just blew me away about how to deal with someone's pain and anger after you've dumped them.

 

However, it's probably one of the hardest methods of dealing with such a situation, because it calls for monumental patience and compassion. The sad fact is, most of us want to get away from our break up decision and it's aftermath as soon as possible, and try to avoid the conflict that ensues afterwards. So, you might not be able to follow this to a T. But, perhaps it will give you some food for thought should you find yourself dealing with a very upset ex. Here's the post I'm referring to:

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Do it in person not over the phone or by message.

 

Say something like: "I have to tell you that this relationship isn't working for me. I'm very sorry to hurt you but I feel I am misleading you into thinking I have feelings for you that I really don't. I have thought about this long and hard and realise that the chemistry just isn't there for me and am sure that the best thing to do is for us to break-up."

 

Be prepared for tears, begging, recriminations or whatever. But stand your ground and leave after a decent interval. Do not lose your temper if she gets nasty - give her the benefit of her emotions. But also don't weaken and agree to try again just to stop her tears.

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Do it in person not over the phone or by message.

 

Say something like: "I have to tell you that this relationship isn't working for me. I'm very sorry to hurt you but I feel I am misleading you into thinking I have feelings for you that I really don't. I have thought about this long and hard and realise that the chemistry just isn't there for me and am sure that the best thing to do is for us to break-up."

 

Be prepared for tears, begging, recriminations or whatever. But stand your ground and leave after a decent interval. Do not lose your temper if she gets nasty - give her the benefit of her emotions. But also don't weaken and agree to try again just to stop her tears.

 

Ok excellent. Sounds good, but that end part with the tears and whatnot, its hard to not turn back

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I've found my boyfriend's picture on his friend's MySpace account (neither of us have one)-- it is NOT difficult to find. You stumble upon it, you put in zip codes, blah blah... You get curious.

 

Not so much that, I know what you're saying, she tried to find something. Well those websites give someone the power to find something, so it makes it easy to have the will to use the power to find something.

 

I don't think that makes it any better, but you could make her feel pretty lame for looking at it (as my boyfriend made me feel after talking to me about how stupid it was to snoop online, haha) and she'll probably just stop, either that or whatever. It's on the internet-- the whole world can see. She purposely looked, only because she could. She can, anyone can, why not, you're her boyfriend... that kind of thing.

 

Just talk to her about it. Looking for something is kind of not so great of her to do, but really, just talk to her about how foolish it is, and she'll get over it.

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Well, maybe this is a deeper issue then. Let's say part of her motivation is to see, "So how much fun did he have at this party, anyway?" To be honest, I would naturally feel the same way if I cared about someone.

 

If you don't feel any inclination to do the same...could it be because you wouldn't really care if she hooked up with someone else?

 

Or could it be you're not that interested in what she's doing, period?

 

If either, I guess what I see here is a rather significant disparity in interest. That's the problem in your relationship. Not that she's a "stalker."

 

Yeah, I agree with this. Just break up with her if you don't like her all that much.

 

I don't know if this is a gender issue, maybe not. But one time I saw a guy post about how his gf called him 3 times in one day, and labeled her a stalker. Geez I guess if that's true then every guy I've ever dated must be a complete stalker, because guys do it all the time, and then it's called 'sweet'.

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I think hunting for evidence that someone has hooked up with someone else isn't love, nor is failure to do so lack of it. Although the trust does get abused by some people some time, you cannot spend your whole life worrying if your partner is being faithful or not.

 

Now sometimes people will (by their behaviour or words) give you reasonable doubt that something is going on and then the question becomes whether you should snoop or not but if someone really REALLY wants to cheat, you could lock them in the basement and somehow they'd still find a way.

 

Now the other point is regardless of whether your girlfriend is a stalker/snooper, you don't feel comfortable in the relationship. If you had kids, my advice would be different but in a relationship with no commitment you don't have to feel you have to stay and "work things out" or "give it another go". I agree with Todd that being the dumper is also hard but sometimes it is necessary and unless the dumpee has done something badly wrong, you should do it in a sensitive manner.

 

Good luck.

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