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You're divorced and in love with someone else - do you tell you ex you miss them??


ashleyann18
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To quickly get you up to speed on my situation, my boyfriend is a recent divorcee - he was with his ex wife for 10 years and married for two. He and I started dating a year ago during his separation. And we went through many ups and downs since he had confusion with his wants and needs with his then wife and myself.

 

So now things are great - we are in a good place, though I do have certain insecurities - like he told me that he spoke to his ex the other day and told her he missed her. Is that normal? I mean, I had to ask several questions in order for him to disclose information, but he did tell me - so does this mean it's not a big deal? My insecurity is that i'm nervous he'll never be over her - that he'll leave me for her despite the fact they are divorced. And what's more - I'm concerned he'll never want to marry me. Yes, I'm not there yet, but things are going so well that in a year or so, I'd hope he were at that place to start those conversations...

 

Please help - those of you who are divorced - help me better understand this situation. Do you miss your ex's without having feelings of reconciliation? Do you openly tell them you miss them? Do you call them on the holidays or on days you just feel like talking? This hasn't happened yet - but I do fear he'll call her on Thanksgiving or Christmas... it's my belief that they shouldn't contact one another - but he tells me I just don't understand...

 

Please help! I don't want my insecurities to hurt this lovely relationship.

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ash,

 

I think it's normal. 10 years is a long time. I left my wife 7 years ago, and often miss her, especially when things aren't going well. My current wife is a divorcee and said that she cried when she and her husband met (after 6 years) to finalize the divorce (he left her and she never heard from him until then). We were dating at that time.

 

So, I know it's difficult to understand, but I wouldn't let it bother me unless it becomes a habit (you have to draw the line somewhere). I would let it ride for now.

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Missing the ex doesn't always mean he's pining for her. After a long marriage, lots of feelings remain even after the pain and acceptance of the split are clear. He may miss the familiarity, friendship or just her cooking.

Some divorced folks try to play a fictional role to appear whole again, usually pretending to be uncaring or even hateful to the ex while putting up a front of sudden success or independance.

 

Trust is a good thing.

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I just filed for separation leading to divorce two months ago. I do miss him, but I guess I miss the things I liked about him. However, I have no intention of reconciling because the whole package was pretty bad. I will probably continue to miss him for some time, because I shared a lot with him over five years and there are a lot of holes and gaps in my life now that he is gone. You don't erase feelings with a separation/divorce. I have gone into NC, but I imagine a more amicable divorce might have some friendly feelings left between the two.... but not romantic feelings.

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After a 10 year relationship, I highly doubt he is "over her" after pausing for just a year... if he even paused per se. I absolutely had feelings for my ex without hope (or even desire) for reconciliation. We both said to each other that we missed one another and even loved one another. But, it didn't change the fact that we weren't together, nor would we ever be together again. It was more of an unconditional love... not a romantic love.

 

However, that's just speaking for me. I can't know the dynamics of your relationship. I never voiced those things to an ex when I was in a relationship with someone else. In fact, communication would stop nearly completely. It just wasn't appropriate.

 

I would communicate on Birthday and holidays... but only an email greeting... beyond that, what is there to say? It had all been said.

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Hey there,

 

I am not divorced but my parents' divorce will be finalized in a couple of weeks. And from what I have observed over the last year, divorce is EXTREMLEY painful, no matter how amicable it is. My parents did not use laywers, they used mediators and it was still very hard. My parents were married for 35 years. So think about that, 35 years of memories, holidays, children, grandchildren, hartimes, laughs, tears.

 

Marriage is a sacred thing and I have heard from many divorcees that when a marriage ends, it is the worst feeling of failure. So, it can take some time for those feelings to disolve. Also, a lot can depend on whom ended the marriage. Like my mom wanted the divorce, so my mom had time to prepare for the ending, had to time to sort out her feelings, she was more emotionally prepared than my father. So, my father had to deal with the rejection and the fact he is losing his life as he knew it for so many years. It is going to take my father many years to recover from this.

 

Now with your boyfriend, he may have feelings for his ex wife, but not necessarily ROMANTIC feelings. There is a big difference. Your boyfriend just needs time, also, was he the one whom wanted the divorce or did his ex wife serve him?

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He left her - he discovered he had romantic feelings for me - which made him realize he and his wife at the time had huge issues to resolve. He discovered after counciling there were too many to make it work...

 

He does tell her he misses her every now and then and i KNOW he has told her he loves her. And in a way I can understand. I just feel that saying things like that keep the door open - don't you agree?

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I would be wondering if she felt the same way. If it wasn't truly mutual.. there could be some lingering elements. My best advice is, since they don't have children, he should be ceasing all contact with her while he establishes himself in his new relationship. Years down the road, who knows, they might be able to be friends with no romantic feelings. He could be contacting her out of unresolved guiult issues too. It just seems a little inappropriate given the circumstances. The fact that his meeting you signalled the dmeise of his marriage is not a good way to go about ending a relationship.

 

The door is opened or closed... regardless of the words exchanged. Until you know where the door stands, you can't know for sure whether the comments back and forth are generic feelings or an attempt to maintain an attachment.

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When my ex and I split, there was no contact. My only feelings were resentment and it took me a long time to get over her. OK, so I'm remarried with a great daughter but it was the worst experience I've been through.

 

It's only been years later that I've had any sympathy for her side of the story in it all.

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