Secrets, blackmail, and decisions...help!

[spaceylacey]

I find myself faced with the most dificult decision of my life. I got myself into this mess and I don't know how to get out. I hope this post doesn't end up too long to read because there is a lot of background to my story. Well I guess I'll get started.

I have grown up in a strict Christian home. 5 months ago I met a guy on myspace, hung out a few times, fell in love, and have been dating him ever sinse. My family completely dissaproved of him, which forced me to move out of my parents house, and into Jake(my boyfriend)'s cousins house. His cousin Max had been very attached to me from the beginning, and was happy to let me live in his house. Jake and Max worked at the same store, so when one was home the other one would be working. I spent a lot of time with Max while Jake was working, and started finding things out about Jake that I didn't know. He was lying to me, stealing from the store, doing drugs, all kinds of things that freaked me out. Jake didn't treat me bad (besides the lies) but Max always treated me better. He made me feel special, like I deserved better. One night when Jake was working Max asked me to go to a club with him, just to get out and have some fun without Jake for once. I got all dressed up and we went out bar hopping. He bought me several drinks, and I kept drinking them, got drunker than I ever had been. On the way home, we stopped in front of the river to enjoy the view. He kissed me. We made out for quite a while and he eventually stopped it before it went to far, not wanting to take advantage of me while I was drunk. A few days later, we slept together. I was completely sober. A little after that I moved out of there and into my own place. I started finding out that Max was the one full of lies, and Jake had done nothing wrong. Now I love Jake more than I can explain, and the fact that I slept with his cousin continually haunts me. People used to tell him to watch out for us two and he would always say he knew I would never do that to him. Then he would tell me he knows I never would, but if I did he would never speak to me again. It is the one thing he would never be able to get over. I told a mutual friend of all of ours about Max's lying, which got back to him and made him mad. He decided to go and tell Jake that I cheated on him, only he didn't say how. After the fact, he regretted doing that cause he knew what would happen, so he covered the story with something a little easier to handle. He told him that I got drunk and kissed some random guy, then told him to take me home before it went farther. A few nights later, he calls me (when he knows Jake is at work) and asks if I want to sleep with him again. I said no. Then he tells me he has all of our AOL conversations saved, and there is proof in them that we did sleep together. He is threatening to show Jake, who would not be able to handle it. I love Jake with all my heart and don't want to risk loosing him. But the only way Max promises to get rid of the proof, is if I sleep with him one more time. So, do I do the very thing I am trying to hide all over again in order to be sure it will never be found out? It seems so backwards, yet its the only way.....What do I do?

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Okay the way I see it, if you love Jake with all your heart, then you need to tell him what happened YOURSELF, instead of Max. This is the consequences for doubting your true love and then cheating on him. You make some bad judgements, the only way for you to fix things is cleaning up the mess. You stand a good chance of losing Jake but that is the risk you take for coming clean and taking responsibility for your actions.

 

I wish you all the best and take care.

[flower99]

Oh sweetie, No don't sleep with him again. You will feel ten times worse & cheap.

Tell Jake the truth it's the only way to truly clean this up. Plus you already know Max isn't a man of his word. Tell Jake that Max is trying to blackmail you back into bed & you don't want to live like that. You'd rather tell you yourself & deal with the concquence of your actions.

If you truly love him, do the right thing. If you two are meant to be, it can be worked out!

I know you don't want to risk losing him, but you already have risked it & now the only way to save it is BE HONEST. a healthy relationship needs honesty.

[southerngirl]

Your going to have to fess up and tell the truth to Jake. Even if it hurts him, even if you dont want to. Max may tell him anyway.

 

You may lose him but if your relationship is strong enough you may be able to worth though this. Good Luck and learn a lesson in all this.

[Relationship Coach]

Max has already been revealed a liar, do you think he would really delete the evidence and walk away? I bet he copied, pasted and printed them out. Do not trust this guy. He wants to expose himself to his own cousin, that makes no sense at all. I mean come on, he is willing to break up his relationship with his cousin, have his cousin break up with you all because he wants you to sleep with him. Tell Jake and deal with the aftermath. Never let anyone blackmail you or extort you in this way. You were played and laid...learn a hard lesson here and remember...honest people have nothing to hide or cover up.

 

RC

[NJRon]

I have to agree with the great advice already given. The best way to combat blackmail is to remove the value from the information. By confronting Jake on this issue, you will be destroying any power Max holds over your relationship.

 

In the end though, you need to confess because it is the right thing to do in this situation. I would also make sure you are completely prepared to suffer the consequences of your actions. We all make mistakes, it's how we deal with them that matters.

[flower99]

I have to agree with the great advice already given. The best way to combat blackmail is to remove the value from the information. By confronting Jake on this issue, you will be destroying any power Max holds over your relationship.

 

In the end though, you need to confess because it is the right thing to do in this situation. I would also make sure you are completely prepared to suffer the consequences of your actions. We all make mistakes, it's how we deal with them that matters.

 

Excellently said!

[Day_Walker]

Well you lost your bf when you started to emotionally pull away and begin to like his cousin. Right now you are just trying to cover your tracks and keep your bf from finding out that you have slept with his cousin. Either way you go the situation is going to turn out bad. I would accept the fact that no matter which way you choose you are going to potentially lose your bf. I would advise against sleeping with Max.

[Luck of the Irish]

Have a little integrity and tell him yourself. If he decides to keep you around after what you did to him, then THAT will tell you what kind of man he is. Not what his cousin says.

[candy604]

Don't sleep with him again b/c he's blackmailing you into doing something you don't want to do and he'll continue to do it if you give him. He's using you and you do have the power to say "no".I would say you tell Jake everything before Max gets to him first or else you'll find yourself in a whirl wind. It's a duty you should tell Jake and if he wants to continue the relationship then it's up to him. But don't hide the truth b/c it will get ugly and it'll just get worse and I bet Max will tell him otherwise. Also Jake could trust Max more than you since they are cousins and have been living together. So you better tell Jake yourself ASAP. You owe to tell the truth and how you were deceived n tell him about this deceptive cousin.

 

Yeah i hate men like max, hopefully one day all their lies will be revealed.

 

Good luck.

[Rabican]

damn sounds like a pretty bad situation you have there... whats to stop max from bringing this blackmail out every time hes feeling a little horny... so no dont sleep with him again.

 

You can do one of two things, call his bluff and hope that he wont really tell your bf. Just be prepared to lose your man if he does find out the truth.

 

Or tell him yourself, and hope that maybe you can work it out. Maybe his talk of saying he couldnt make that work if you cheated was just bravado... maybe when confronted with it hell give you another chance. But either way its a mess, the damage is done... I really doubt your relationship with survive forever without your man finding out so you may as well tell him.