advice for mixed signals?

[sillygurl]

hello all!

Not sure how to deal with this- Aaargh! My ex is giving me mixed signals and it's really frustrating... OK, so a few weeks ago we were barely speaking. I listened to all of your wise advice: gave him a VERY wide berth, lots of space, very low contact for about two weeks. It was hard, but it didn't kill me because I knew we'd see each other at the end of the two weeks when we had to take a long drive together. He doesn't talk much, so I was looking forward to the drive, because I knew that a few hours in the car would be just the thing to open him up.

 

Well the time apart was great! It gave me a chance to work on my coinfidence and mend my bruised ego, and him a chance to miss the things about me that are fun. During the two weeks, I worked on making me happy, (thanks Superdave!) and had no expectations about him...well, actually, I expected the worst, and planned to start living my life (sadly) without him in it. BUT....As soon as I saw him again, he held his arms out for a hug and smiled at me the way he used to... My heart sang! I jumped into his arms and we had the MOST romantic evening. Happy Siiiigh.

 

So fast forward to now, another two and a half weeks later. I had an anniversary to celebrate, and he took me out and showed me a really special day. He paid for everything, (he's never done that before!) held my hand and acted all cuddly in public, held open doors for me, was sweet and fun to be around all day. It was amazing! I haven't seen this side of him in months, because before he left town, he'd been under a lot of stress, getting moodier and more secretive each day. Now when he's around me he seems to genuinely enjoy himself. We've established that we aren't seeing other people, and that we're monogamous, and that we really care for one another....I pushed for none of this, it all came up and I let him do the talking. Why would he act this way, so sweet, loving and attentive, yet not want to be in a committed relationship?!?! I'm so confused...

 

So the mixed signals: he genuinely enjoys my company, and acts like we are a couple when we're together, but doesn't want to be my boyfriend. What the heck is that about? I'm pretty, fun, not pushy, I get asked out enough to feel confident about myself...could there be something else inherently wrong with me that he doesn't want to be in a committment anymore? Or am I just being stupid, and missing something obvious? It seems like if he was as interested in me as he acts, than he wouldn't want me seeing other people, so is he just acting when he's all sweet like this? Help!

[friscodj]

Well the time apart was great!

 

Sounds like you need more of this then! Don't see or talk to him until you don't want to jump into his arms and read his behaviors as "signals". Your heart sounds to be still wrapped up in this and time and distance is needed to unwrap it so you can stop driving yourself crazy over this and move on...you deserve that...

[sillygurl]

Thanks friscodj!

So you think I should move on?

I thought (hoped, I guess) after our 'romantic weekend' that if I didn't put any pressure on him that things would turn around. He didn't ask for any of space or no pressure, and I had honestly assumed it was over till I saw him again after the two week seperation. We didn't even discuss the boundaries I mentioned till he thought I was seeing someone else and freaked out about it.

[friscodj]

It sounds like you guys want different things, that you want more of a commitment and he doesn't which tells me that you are more into him than he is into you.

 

You said the time apart was great. What does that tell you?

 

I have a feeling if/when you pull back from this, he will become a lot sweeter to you again...but you see, this is a bad cycle because it shouldn't have to take you repeatedly "taking a break" from him for him to treat you better!

[sillygurl]

...

 

well said. yeah, I guess you're right.

Ouch.

My heart hurts.

[skate]

how would you feel about this: if you broke up w/ someone (lets say over not so horibble relationship-ruining terms), still cared for this person and then after a period of "cooling off" from each other saw that person and had a good time. You really enjoyed your time together, but remember that there was a reason why you broke up. You probably don't want to go jumping head first into anything over this first encounter. All you know is you had a great time. And if you continue to have great times w/ this person, then maybe you could consider a committment? It's like dating all over again, remember?

[shoebaby1]

I agree with skate

[BrokenHeart82]

I agree with the last couple posters....

Your ex missed you and the absense did in essense probably help him get his head clear (men dont want to be led by emotions so much..they are more apt to take time and look at all sides of a coin as it were before they make a decision).

I think in your case it sounds like it was a great time SOOOO heres the secret.....take this as you wouldve when you first got together!!

Imagine if you guys had been together a month and he came over, picked you up, showed you a great time...you wouldnt have thought "what does this mean? are we together?? Is he into me like THAT???" You wouldve simply been thinking "Wow, I had a great time and he really treated me like a lady...lets hope for another time like this"

 

Dont jump too fast because that will only recreate his memories of what caused the breakup..you presumably want to continue to create the memories and feelings and emotions that made him love you and want to be with you.

 

It sounds like in your time apart you have started to find yourself more and thats important because should this even have the slightest chance you two need to create NEW memories, good ones!!

 

Dont rush...treat it like a new situation, a new you, a new him, a new set of memories.