moving on

[abbett]

well, i'm throwing in the towel. i've written numerous posts here about my latest relationship. i've been focused on what i could do to make things better.........and i've realized it's not about me..........it's about my ex-gf.

 

a little history. i got out of a 6-year relationship last december. it was very sad and difficult. 2 months later, i met my recent ex. she seemed really nice and cool and i enjoyed her personality. after i started having feelings for her, i realized she had lied to me about certain aspects about herself. i was hurt but tried to forgive them as the lies seemed to be because of her low self-esteem rather than just malicious lies to hurt me.

 

we moved forward. things were looking better. then we had an argument and she tried to kill herself with pills. she almost died but her therapist thinks it was mostly for attention - not really to die. i supported her all through that - being in the er with her that day, icu, and then visiting and calling her when she was kept in the psych unit for a few days. i was always there for her when she needed me.

 

after that, she went through a training program for a job. she was unable to get a job from it but a month ago got a different kind of job. so she's working for the first time since i've known her.

 

anyway, we've had some rough spots, some temporary breakups and each time they are worse - becuase of her. she avoids, runs - and i find it to be selfish and inconsiderate. she never says, "hey, i need some time to sort things out, but i'll be in touch". she just stops answering my calls and my messages. like i don't exist. that's not love.

 

i've been afraid to leave the relationship because i fear the loneliness, but now i am ready to move on. she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder stemming from her crappy childhood - and my therapist told me yesterday that they are not capable or really loving someone and that they view other people as objects who are not allowed to have thoughts and feelings.

 

i've been so upset, especially by having to deal with some things from my long-term breakup that i avoided by getting in this new relationship that i feel very sad and lonely. anyway, i began zoloft. i've never taken any of those kinds of medications but i felt it would help - at least in the short term with my weekly therapy as well. it already has seemed to help my obsessive thoughts about the inner workings of this failed relationship.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there. I am glad you have decided to move on. That relationship soudned very, very unhealthy for you. In a healthy relationship you're not supposed to always be guessing how things are going to be based on your partners moods. There should be a sense of security, consistency, and comfort- (i.e. you should not have to worry that your partner will just start ingoring you or won't talk to you due to a problem, whether real or perceived) Unpredicitability and the emotional roller-coaster ride it brigns you on will just weaken you more and more.

 

It's going to be hard at first, but you'll be so much better off in the end without this destructive person in your life. You should not fear being alone- you should fear being in an unhealthy relationship like that. It's better to be happy alone than unhappy in a relationship.

 

With time, you will feel better and be able to date again. Just take some time for YOU right now. It's very good that you are in therapy aside from taking medication. Most research shows that therapy in combination with medication is the most sucessful treatment for recovery from depression or other emotional problems. It's "ok" to take medicine to get you through a tough time if it is needed. Don't be embarrassed. If a person broke their leg and needed pain medication (a common occurrence)- it is no different from needing medication to dull the pain of depression inside. Take the medication as you need it- it does not have to be permanent. It will just make this difficult time a little more manageable for you.

 

BellaDonna

[abbett]

thanks belladonna. good words.

 

i'm feeling better already with the med and i'm only on day 2. the pain is dulled and the obsessive thoughts of going over and over what has happened in my mind is greatly diminished. i'm kinda cloudy and blank but that's ok for now.

 

yes, she was very destructive emotionally. i cannot believe i've been in a relationship with someone who cannot communicate on the most basic level, who runs and hides, and who blames me for almost everything.

 

i started out as being perfect and she only blamed herself - but as i've learned about borderlines, they tend to blame others and people are either all black or all white........they don't view people as having good and bad qualities. and they use you up and take and take from you to fill their black hole.......and it's never enough for them.

 

i've tried as hard as i can. i've been every way i can be with her and nothing seems to work. and at this point, i want some of my own needs and wants met - i've been waiting for 7 months.

 

anyway, i'm not all obsessed about talking to her or getting her to talk to me, etc. at this point, i don't want it anymore.

 

i know i've got to work on me again. i just wish i had more friends.

[LONESOUL]

Abbett, I'm glad to hear you are felling better. The meds also helped me a great deal, I am taking zoloft as well. Take good Care

Lone

[mike440]

I think you'll be doing the right thing by getting out of this....I suspect my ex had BPD (not diagnosed), but I felt during the (EXTREMELY) fast moving relationship that the love was fake, just to try to get the same in return, and I got burned out. We broke up and I initially regretted it thinking that I was defective because I couldn't return all the 'love'.....after doing research, I found how many things she matched up with in BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder, and I have to believe now that I'm much better off....I think you'll find the same thing. Look for singles groups in your area to go to, or take a non-credit class at a community college to learn more about something you'd like to do. Maybe you'll also meet some friends there.