Been doing well...until now

[navigator2001]

Long story short, my gf of 3 yrs broke up with me back in April, and since then I've been through hell and back. It ripped my life apart, made my isolate myself from my family and friends, and almost made me drop out of grad school. My life was in shambles. However through the help of family, friends, and this forum, I started to see light again. After many repeated attempts of NC and after trying everything to "win" her back, I finally in a sense, gave up. This was a good 2-3 months after the breakup. I stopped calling her, IMing her, and stopped responding to every attempt of her to contact me.

 

After a few weeks of this (around a month ago), my ex started contacting me in every way possible. I received phone calls, text messages, emails, IMs. Finally she got through to me and we had a long talk. It ended with me dumping all my feelings back out about how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with her. I went straight back to square 1. I took her actions of constantly trying to contact me as a sign she wanted to be back with me. She didnt. At the end of that call, I told her again that I was not ready to be just friends, and I needed however much time it might take to get over her. And in that time she should not be shocked if it seems like I'm ignoring her or being short with her. She seemed upset by this, but I was firm in that it was clear that I wanted more from this relationship than she wanted to give, so we could not yet be friends.

 

That was a month ago, and since then I've been doing really great. Until today...when she IMed me today. She just wanted to see how I was doing. I was very short in all my answers to her. She would ask me a quesiton and I would reply with a few words. I did not ask her any questions, and I'm sure it was apparent that I was being very distant. She even mentioned "it seems like I'm interviewing you," to which I did not say anything back. This is how the conversation went on for a few minutes until she told me she'd let me go since she knew I was probably busy with a lot of schoolwork.

 

I didn't let my emotions get the best of me, but in a way I wish I hadn't even replied to her. I told her to respect my wishes by not contacting me but it doesn't seem like she's doing this. I want her back still of course, and I want to move on, but at the same time I don't want to act like a jerk to her when I talk to her. What do I do? I feel like I'm trying to reconcile two incompatible goals together: moving on, and getting her back. I'm not yet totally over her, that is clear. Is it fine to respond to her advances just as long as I don't allow her to tread on my heart again? Should I completely ignore any contact by her? Did I do the right thing just now by being short with her, but not completely ignoring her?

 

SIGH, when does this end?

[rose2summer]

navigator,

 

You have no obligations to talk to her,

 

Just ignore her ims, emails, etc,

 

Her attempts to call you have clearly showed,

 

It's for her own selfish means,

 

She wants to make a friendship with you,

 

And keep you as a back-up plan in case she doesn't find someone else,

 

Don't stay around for that,

 

You clearly deserve better,

 

I would pick up my "bags" and walk away,

 

Her contacting you is her disrespecting your wish,

 

You had asked her to stop and she didn't,

 

Keep your distance and protect your heart,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[Lady Bugg]

Ditto Rose....

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

It will end when you completely ignore her. She was still testing you. Block her on your IM list. You have been doing great, everyone has a slip up from time to time. Try not to beat yourself over it. Hang in there.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi navigator,

 

My ex gf told me about 5 months ago that I "hurt her feelings when I ignored her". I gotta say, her saying this did bother me for about a minute. I started thinking that I was acting like a jerk and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I couldn't imagine doing that to her. Then I thought why should I care how she feels. We don't have a relationship anymore. It was her choice to end it. Ever since then I just don't have feelings for her. I still think about her from time to time, but that's it. You can think about something and not have feelings for it.

 

Since then I have been ignoring her every time I see her. We work together and I see her and her bf often. I ignore them both. She got desperate about 3 months ago and pulled in my driveway, got out of her car and wanted to talk. I asked her to leave and started to walk back inside. She replied, "You don't have to be so mean about it". This time it didn't bother me a bit.

 

About a month ago she sent her friends over to my house to "party". I was not here at the time and they left me a note to call them. I called them and politely told them that I was with new company and am usually busy. They have to call before they come over and if I don't answer the phone, I'm not at home. Some would say ok becuz, maybe you are being a jerk. I don't think I am. I am doing what is best for me to move on. For me this means having nothing to do with her. Absolutely nothing.

 

I have been doing so much better not worrying about how she feels about my actions. I can tell she is bothered, but who cares? I don't wish her ill will, nor do I wish her success. I just wish she would leave me alone. That's all.

 

I am not the kind of person who can respond to my ex gf without getting my heart stomped on and going back to square 1. I've come to far now for this to happen. I agree with the others who have posted. I think that you should ignore her contact attempts and move on.

 

Thanks, Good Luck!

becuzitwasfun

[piratefdu]

I have a similar situation. I broke up with my ex months ago and did different things to try to get her back. She would get into this habit of contacting me then I wouldn't hear from her for weeks. It ended with one time when she called me and we ended up having a 3 hour conversation on the phone and her telling me to come visit, then I don't hear from her for a couple weeks again. So I had enough, I still had feelings and I tried, but could not be friends. So the next time she contacted me I told her I dont like the way your contacting me and I would appreciate it if she gave me space for now. The last things she said was 'ohh im not gonna say i dont have feelings for you because i do but i dont want that to get in the way of our friendship'

This sounded like such a pathetic line, and nevertheless i did not contact her and she did not contact me (Even blocked me on AIM) and i didnt hear for hear for about 2 months. Then out of the blue she texts me, she was being kinda flirty and said 'we should chill i didnt buy it so i kinda blew her off. a couple weeks later she contacts me again, after her and her friend had called me cause they found some picture of me with my shirt off or something. she texts me but i blew her off again. then its my birthday but im asleep and she calls then leaves a text basically saying call me and stuff. i still wasnt buying it but i asked my friend about it, and i guess this was bad advice, he said 'well maybe she still likes you'. so i do the dreaded thing, still having feelings for her and text her, and she says we should hang out. so im like..ok maybe its true. so i hang out with her, we seem to still have something, some flirting. after we hang out i text her saying 'well i had a good time' and shes just like 'yea...did u get home ok?'. then i dont hear from her for another month and a half! out of the blue like 'i got a new car' and 'we should get together'

 

ok that was a little long winded but is this bascially the same thing? just trying to be 'friends' and be a 'backup' plan?

[Todd S]

The majority of women hold the view that they like to "stay friends" after ending a relationship... In most cases it's a simple ploy to make themselves feel better (a conscience appeaser)... In my view, it takes at least a year to get over someone special, and whether or not one chooses to "remain friends" must surely depend on how you feel AFTER you've gotten over her... Until you reach that point, avoid her entirely... If she can't respect that, then she doesn't deserve you as a friend, let alone as anything else...

[piratefdu]

todd,

 

thats good advice and it makes a lot of sense.

But what a terrible feeling, lol. so this whole time she's contacting you it was because she felt 'bad' or wanted some comfort. Sucks!

[pacopaco]

I can relate here. the last time i saw my ex, she said she needed guidance, which i think is true. the thing is though, I feel that when i see her, and we speak, it is all my secrets and feelingsd that I am emoting. not hers. this becomes life draining. her life is all messed up, she says. I guess it's true, who knows. but the life drain will kill you, bring you down. let's do it together, and not contact these people who have hurt us. when i am over her, and well, maybe i will call, or maybe i won't. for now, i'm done.

[Jane0815]

Can only ditto the above advice.

 

"Wanting to stay friends" can also be some women's way to break off the social-obligation part of the relationship without having to give up the 'benefits'. Kind of unfair to the guy who actually wants to get back together and takes this as a sign of interest.