ILFgal45 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Ok, so last night my boyfriend went to a strip club with some of his friends. I am COMPLETELY against strip clubs and asked him not to go because it would make me uncomfortable. He said that he was only going to hang out with his friends since he hadn't spent time with them in awhile. After he went, he said all he did was felt like crap the whole time and thought of me. Today, I found out that he got really into it, and he got lap dances and also went up on stage and had two naked women spank him and stuff. When I found out about this, I was even more furious. He said he hadn't enjoyed it, but it seems from his actions he was having a little too much fun. I was and am so angry, I am thinking about breaking up with him. We've been dating for almost 4 years and have had a very strong relationship until this point. He has lied to me in the past about certain things that cause me not to trust him, like talking secretly to other girls on his cell phone, and lying about when he goes out drinking downtown and things like that. I feel like I can't trust him, and that I won't be able to get over what happened last night. He has also been telling me how he wants to go out more with his friends, but now I am even more against that because I don't know what will be next - cheating perhaps? And of course his friends will just encourage it. He says he does not want to break up with me and will do anything to make things right. Before he went when we were arguing about whether or not he should go, he told me that I was just insecure and that all his friends' girlfriends had no problem with it, but it turns out the other girls are just as pissed off as I am. So at this point, I don't know if repairing what we had is possible. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to have sex with him again because the image of him being spanked by strange naked girls will be flashing through my head the whole time. I would really appreciate any advice you have to offer. I'm desperate at this point. Link to comment
Beec Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 If my woman complained about this, I'd do the same as he did. I woulkd not be on stage getting spanked, but I'd go to the strip club. It happens about once a year. Does she like it? No, but she does not control me. Link to comment
vandgsmom Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Well it sounds like you have had 4 years filled with drama from his lying ways... Whatever really went on, your perception of the situation is that he lied, he has lied before, and you expect him to lie well into the future. I have said it before and I will say it again: Use your intuition... That little voice in your head and your heart that tells you that something is not right. I truly believe that in the perfect situation that that little voice that is screaming at you to drop this dud will become quiet. Your intuition is a gift from God. I think that if you just tune yourself into what your heart is really telling you that you will see that you might have already made your decision. If you are going to break it off. make it clean, otherwise the lingering will hurt more than just going into denial and pretending it never happened. Link to comment
vandgsmom Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Oh, and good luck, whatever happens! Link to comment
melrich Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I agree with vandqsmom. You should break it off with him and find someone whose values are more closely aligned with yours. Link to comment
ILFgal45 Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 If my woman complained about this, I'd do the same as he did. I woulkd not be on stage getting spanked, but I'd go to the strip club. It happens about once a year. Does she like it? No, but she does not control me. Well in our situation, we have an understanding in which we respect each other's feelings. Neither of us is controlling in any way. If he is uncomfortable with me going out or something, I'd rather not jeopardize an incredible relationship by spending one stupid night out. Usually, he does the same for me and understands. It's not like we're trying to rebel against each other. We passed that stage loooong ago. Link to comment
beaglelover_06 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I have to agree with vandgsmom. If you had to deal with him and not trust him for the past four years, then I think that you should call off the relationship. If you have not trusted him for that long period of time, then you will never be able to trust him in the future. You will always be faced with the questions of is he lying to me or is trying to hide things from me. After you had expressed to your bf about how uncomfortable it makes you if he did go to the strip clubs, then he should of respected your feelings. Isn't that what a relationship is all about? He would not be comfortable with you if you had decided to flirt with some cute, hot looking guy, would he? I had unfortunately gone through two serious relationships where my I felt that my signifcant others were not honest with me even after I had expressed my concerns or how uncomfortable it makes me. They maybe hearing it but not care just as long as they don't get caught. It is one of those "don't ask, don't tell" situations or "whatever she doesn't know, won't hurt her." Either way, I wish you luck in your decision. I still think that you should find someone else who will respect you as you rightfully deserve. Link to comment
xprincessbugx Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I think you have already made up your mind. It's not about the strip club, its the fact that he lied and has before. Maybe you need to spend time away from each other since he wants to start hanging out with his friends again and you should do the same. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 It was disrepectful if he knew ahead of time how you felt. Link to comment
Jayar Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 There are guys that go to strip joints and guys that don't. If I were you I'd pick someone who doesn't. Oh, and the strip joint along with all the other lying would be too much for me. It's one thing to have a secure relationship with a guy who gets dragged to the club once in a while, but quite another to have a relationship with someone you feel doesn't have a problem with hurting you like this. There are women who don't care if their guy goes to a strip joint. He should be with one of them. Link to comment
ILFgal45 Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Thanks everyone for your replies. The thing is, he really isn't the type who would normally go to a strip club. The only reason I didn't break up with him the moment he mentioned going was because he explained to me how he felt very detached from his friends since they hadn't spent any time together for several weeks, and they all wanted to go to the strip club and he didn't want to object to the idea and piss everyone off. He said he didn't want to go because he knew it would upset me, but he felt like he needed to go in order to get back in with his friends. When I asked him why he did all the things he did while AT the club, like the spanking and stuff, he said it was because he didn't want his friends to think he was completely alienating himself from them. I just dont know what to think anymore. I haven't wanted to see him or speak to him since I found out about all of this, but he insists on dropping by and calling me and stuff, so it has made it that much harder. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 What is it that you object to strip clubs? Link to comment
candy604 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 that's very disrespectful of what he did to you. I'd be very furious too! Why can't his friends and him spend time just going out for dinner and have a few drinks? why a strip bar? He had a choose to go or not ( he could have hung out a different night with the guys). Not sure what I would do in your situation. He's probably saying he didnt' enjoy it so that you won't get mad, but his actions do speak and you have a right to be mad. I would not want to see my or hear my bf being up on stage with naked girls and being turned on by them. Disguisting. Sorry that your boy did this to you. Make him payyy Maybe you should go out with the girls and hit up club with some cute guys and go dancing with them..revenge! Link to comment
melrich Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 What is it that you object to strip clubs? You know the issue is not strip clubs. The issue is the fact that the b/f ignored her wishes and lied about the outcome. He has also lied to her in the past. It really does not matter what isssue he ignored her on nor what he lied about so much. It's just about can you live in a relationship with a habitual liar who values his friends wishes over and above yours. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 You know the issue is not strip clubs. The issue is that fact that the b/f ignored her wishes and lied about the outcome. He has also lied to her in the past. It really does not matter what isssue he ignored her on nor what he lied about so much. It's just about can you live in a relationship with a habitual liar who values his friends wishes over and above yours. Yes I am well aware of that. I was asking out of curiosity. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I'd dump him. Link to comment
candy604 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 i dunno..he shouldn't have followed through with the spanking and stuff. that's overboard. but it tells you about his friends and where they like to have fun. Careful! I'm surprised though,ask him how possibly does spanking and stuff help him get closer to his friends? and ask is he closer to them as a result? that excuse sounds very illogical. Sorry, not to bash, but ask him though b/c it doesn't make sense what he said. Well i guess it shows he still wants to be with you instead of blowing it off and saying ur insenstive and stuff. If your going to continue with it make sure he doesn't go again. His excuse of " i want to be close with the guys" at this type of activity is unacceptable. tell him that. and also ask him the questions i mentioned. He shouldn't be lying to you though even though you'll get mad. You have a right to know and if it continues, take a break b/c you don't know what else he could be hiding. what happens if he kisses another girl or something. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 Come on if the roles were reversed and you were the one going up to get spanked by a bunch of naked men...really I doubt he'd be cool with that. And frankly I wouldn't want to be with a man who was cool with that. Link to comment
Ms. Babydoll Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 You say he said he would do anything to make things right, well maybe he needs to wake up and realise, nothing will be right until he gains your trust. I think without trust there is no relationship so I think you should maybe talk it out with him, maybe you don't have to break up after all but he needs to know exactly how you are feeling and he needs to SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU!! At least that way you could maybe grow to trust him, and if he says he wants to spend more time with his friends, you should ask if you can go along, that way you can keep an eye on him while still have fun. Link to comment
ILFgal45 Posted August 31, 2006 Author Share Posted August 31, 2006 Thanks to everyone, your advice has been very helpful. I plan on talking to him about all of this stuff and laying down the law so to speak. Those questions from candy will be very helpful as well. Also, I agree that the issue isn't about strip clubs. But I will tell you why I'm against them anyway if you are curious. I feel like they objectify women, and they allow men to think that women are expendable. Men feel like it's okay to go there and pay to be seduced by these women even though they have girlfriends and even wives at home worried about them. How is it different than going to a bar and flirting and doing some foreplay and calling it a night? I honestly don't see the difference. In a serious relationship, I doubt most women would want to imagine their boyfriend/husband staring at naked women or having them gyrate on his lap with their breasts in his face. Also, I don't want to feel like my boyfriend is comparing me to them if he is seeing me naked or something. I don't want to - and shouldn't have to - compete with these women. The whole idea of strip clubs is obscene and completely wrong in my opinion. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 To me it sounds like you guys are too different. He may be lying because he wants it to work out somehow even though you both have very different philosophies towards things. He is showing you disrespect by not being honest with you. Either dump you so he can go and find someone with compatible morals and so you can to. Or change his ways and not go to the strippers if he knows you disagree with it. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 you should ask if you can go along, that way you can keep an eye on him while still have fun. From what the OP's said, it really didn't sound to me like going to the strip club to watch her man ogle other women was her idea of 'having fun'. Link to comment
iamteddybearfeelmecuddle Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 I completely agree with you on that. Link to comment
candy604 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 i'm against strip clubs too. It's degrading to women also. I hope he learns and realizes what he did was disrespectful to you. Also mind you he shouldn't put himself in situations if he knows the guys will pressure him to do something. I remember my bf knew I was not up for people smoking up. But him and his basketball team smoked up a joint ( and i was away at camp and he hide it from me but hte truth came out b/c he was still buzzed or high talking to me). Boy i was super mad but he told me it was a guy thing and he couldn't back out b/c they will laugh at him etc..Guys are stupid sometimes and they do pressure each other into things and each guy wants to show he's not a wuss but a macho man. Big ego thing maybe.But my bf has says no to his friends now if they ask him to join. I taught him a lesson ( this was after a day of yelling at him and how i think different of him now balh blah blah). If he was pressured by it, he hasta learn not to do that again b/c it isn't cool. Link to comment
tylercdurden2004 Posted September 1, 2006 Share Posted September 1, 2006 I taught him a lesson ( this was after a day of yelling at him and how i think different of him now balh blah blah). If he was pressured by it, he hasta learn not to do that again b/c it isn't cool. Let me get this right. You think his male friends shouldnt pressure him but its OK if you pressure him? Link to comment
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