A question about the ex's finances

[desertnomad]

I have a question with something I am dealing with. I used to manage all the credit card bills for me and my ex. I paid them all and kept track of them. The ex up and left without getting that info. A few weeks after she would email me and ask for the credit card info that was hers. Of course I wanted her to call and ask for it since the way she left really screwed me without any notice and maybe I was also trying to get back together with her some way and thought I could if we just had the chance to talk on the phone. After it was obvious she wasnt coming back in late July I sent her a final email letter to let her know the two cards of hers I always kept track of and paid for her. We worked really hard on our credit and making it much better and paying down our bills. Even though when she left she proceeded to run up several thousands in more credit card debt in the next few weeks. She had paid one card but the other one hasnt been paid in over two months. her credit for which I worked so hard to help improve is going to be screwed. I still feel responsible even though I told her the end of july she should call Bank A and Bank B if she hasnt paid those cards. I know the card she hasnt paid she doesnt actually have the credit card so maybe she didnt read my email well enough and doesnt know she owes. I want to send her an email but after my last email her new 'friend' sent me a nasty email and threatened me with harassment so I havent sent anymore. Why do I feel responsible? Should I say anything? The one thing me and her had left after all she threw away was our good credit. now she wont even have that.

[LONESOUL]

In my opinion you should not, you are not responsible for her, unless your name is somehow linked to that line of credit, then that might be different.

[desertnomad]

No its not linked to my credit at all. I just feel bad despite what she did. I looked out for her and our finances. Shes had a tough life to and it just sux to see her good credit go down the drain which we were applauding each other for the week before she seemed to have lost her mind. I still do feel responsible even though I know I am not. she left me all of our cash and I would pay it online but then I dont have permission now to do anything with any of her credit cards since we are no longer together

[LONESOUL]

I see what you are saying about her leaving you the money, but she is

a grown woman. She made her choices, you even gave her the heads up

once. I wouldn't contact, but thats just my opinion.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

My friend went through the same thing with her x-husband....she took over the finances and his and her credit issues. She realized it was her way of still being in control of him. I suppose maybe in some way you feel the same? Maybe you feel if you stop worrying about the credit cards and the credit issues you will a) no longer be in control and b) no longer need to be in contact with her. thereforeeee once you let the credit card issues go...that's it. No reason for contact.

[desertnomad]

Well It wasnt a control thing with me she was just horrible at budgeting and paying bills off and in her goodbye note she told me she was greatful for how I had built up her credit. Now its screwed. I dont know what I can do though. I guess I can forward the email I sent her a month ago which told her to call those banks.

[Cadence308]

I don't think that you should contact her regarding the credit cards or pay on them. She knows that she has these credit cards that she should be paying on and it's her responsibility. Your name and credit are not affected by her actions. I would just let it go, as hard as it may be...

[shes2smart]

I had a response typed out.

 

After I read it over, I realized I would've said something different if your ex was an ex-spouse as opposed to an ex-girlfriend. Rather than make assumptions, I'll just ask....which is she?

[desertnomad]

shes an ex girlfriend of 4yrs

[desertnomad]

Well thats what I think Ballys except that she had lost the card long time before she left here and probably doesnt even know she has it except for the email telling her that.

[shes2smart]

'k, since it's an ex-gf.....

 

Sometimes, people have to learn things the hard way. If she has to run up a pile of debt to learn how to manage her own finances, so be it.

 

While I understand your intentions were in the right place wanting to help her with her finances, the end result is that she never really learned to handle that herself.

 

You've said that the accounts in question are in no way tied to you/your credit history. Time to practice the Fine Art of Letting Go. They were never your responsibility in the first place. Again, I understand that your intentions were probably coming from a place of wanting to help. (Although, some could see your actions as being controlling...I see this was addressed in an earlier post, though) The end result, though, has gone somewhere else, and I think there's a direct link from her current cluelessness to you taking on a responsibility that was never really yours to begin with.

 

If you haven't done so already, I'd just turn over any and all remaining information you have about those accounts to her and wash your hands of the whole thing. If she gets herself into a financial mess, maybe she will learn to be more responsible for herself in the future.

 

Speaking of the future, you might also want to re-think the way you handle an SO's finances in future relationships. Advising someone, suggesting ways they could do things smarter or more efficiently --- IF they ask for help...nothing wrong with that...taking things over for them -- EVEN IF they ask...well...maybe not so good. You needn't be so hard on yourself...you did what you thought was right and you did all you could.

 

Personally, I couldn't see merging/blending/getting into someone else's financial stuff unless and until after I was married...but maybe that's due to my own feeling that my finances are no one's business but my own...and my husband's. And they're only my husband's business because he may be held responsible for them at some later date...like if I should happen to kick the bucket first. Even so, there's still some distance between "his," "mine" and "ours."

[LONESOUL]

Desert, I wouldn't contact my ex, but I have already said that. I would strongly examine why I was still caring at all about her credit. When my ex and I were together I totally re did our den, from floors to walls to furniture, all of it...it took weeks. My ex is a slob, I'm sure she wrecked everything I worked so hard to do. But guess what, it's hers to wreck now.

[desertnomad]

thanks for the advice shes2smart and everyone. I will wash my hands of it. We lived together for almost 4 years and we were intent on buying a house together and paying off our credit cards for which she seemed to want to have help in sorting through. For the first year I couldnt get a steady job in the state we lived in and I wanted to help out with finanaces in whatever way I could. it wasnt controlling in this case. I talked to her about every transaction concering her stuff and if she wanted to do something else or agreed with it. But I agree its tough enough keeping track of my stuff and that just isnt a responsibility I want ever again. Didnt seem to help in the end anyways. Just a whole lot of work for nothing.

[desertnomad]

I agree Lone I am wondering why I even care about it at this point. Probably still not over blaming myself and this is just another thing.

[shes2smart]

we were intent on buying a house together

 

Consider this a blessing in disguise, then. Buying property with someone you are not married to or do not have a contractual relationship with (like a business partner) is very, very risky. There have been a few threads on the board where folks bought a house with a gf/bf (paperwork/loan in BOTH their names) and later found themselves in a huge mess when the relationship went awry. It's bad enough to have to go through a break-up let alone adding the legal/financial mess created by a jointly-owned piece of property.

[desertnomad]

That I know all to well. I lost a house in a divorce that is now worth over 4 times what I paid for it not all that long ago. I guess I have a history of stupid relationships not that I didnt make plenty of mistakes. I just need to be smarter and choose better. I dont know why I jump at the first thing that comes my way.

[shes2smart]

That I know all to well. I lost a house in a divorce that is now worth over 4 times what I paid for it not all that long ago. I guess I have a history of stupid relationships not that I didnt make plenty of mistakes. I just need to be smarter and choose better. I dont know why I jump at the first thing that comes my way.

 

Oh, trust me....we all do stupid things in relationships...that's how we learn to NOT do stupid things in the future. And just when we get ourselves making decent decisions in one area, we get to start the process of learning about another area.

 

IMO, if you're not constantly learning something, you're wasting your time here.

[desertnomad]

Yeah I know it is the codependancy thing. I did tell her in an email a month ago. It was a long email so maybe she didnt see it. Its just sad though. Us working so hard for 4 years to build a life and then poof she destroys everything.

[Considerate Empath]

Sounds to me like you gave her a Mona-Lisa and that she is about to change her face to a smiley-face. But as you gave it to her, it's now hers to destroy if she wants to.

 

Look, if you help her with this, it will either result in her being mad at you over invading her privace/won't stay out of her life, or her being mad at you for not doing it for you anymore as you likely wouldn't and shouldn't help her with this for the rest of her/your life.

 

 

Best wishes!

 

//C.E.

[desertnomad]

yeah your right its no win for me either she will be mad at me like you say for invading her privacy or she will be mad at me for not telling her about it again and again earlier on or she will be mad at me for not paying the bills since she left me money. shes a mortgage person she knows all about pulling credit reports etc to check on your credit and bills.