Appropriate response for "game player?"

[melinda1122]

I have been emailing/talking to a guy I met on the net for over a month now.

He has been very diligent with sending me long, thoughftul emails and phone calls, telling me he is very interested. The problem though is that I feel he is leading me on. I have wanted to meet up the last three weeks (he seemed excited about it) but it seems there is always a reason he cannot meet up.

Before, he had a project over the weekend (he works for himself), then I had two weddings the next two Saturdays (but he didnt ask me out on the other days) and then last week (after he asked me what I had going on for the week on the phone) I suggested a Saturday to get together. He waited again until the last minute, sending me a huge email, explaining that he did not get paid for his project and would have to wait (maybe next week) until we could go out so that he could properly take me for a nice dinner. (He would be calling me on Sunday to see how I was) I was a bit upset because I just feel as if I'm being stringed along since he cant make a date. (My fear is that he is seeing someone on the weekend and I dont want to look like a fool). It's been four days now since I sent it and haven't heard from him. I assume I prob won't now after this email, lol).

 

I answered back with the following email:

 

 

 

"Steve,

 

 

All I know with certainty is that after a month corespondance, you are not available to meet. I have to assume at this point that you are either not interested or too bus with other women to make the effort to meet.

 

When a guy is interested, he makes a concrete plan in advance and asks you out on a Sat/Fri to let you know he is sincere (and not seeing other women).

 

I put my ego on the line twice and made myself available to meet, despite being busy with weddings, etc..

To be honest, it confuses me that a guy would continue to call/email without wanting to set something up to meet. You turned me down twice (at the last minute) and to be honest, it kind of bruised my ego and made me feel confused.

 

I don’t want to keep dragging this on with emails/phone calls if there is no intention to meet.

 

I’ve listened to everything you have said Steve, and if you truly have a money issue due to the nature of your work, that would be understandable. What sticks out in my mind though is that you also told me you were willing to fly to another state to see a girl you knew 2 months and that you were hurt she changed her mind at the last minute. Yet, you can’t even drive an hour in the middle to meet me.

 

If you are sincerely interested Steve (and not dating other women/in a relationship etc..) then you need to show me with actions.

 

 

Have a nice weekend,

 

Melinda"

 

 

 

Now, does this email make me look like a nut or does it tell him i dont want him to mess with me unless he's serious about meeting? Thanks.

[melinda1122]

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm thinking, who the heck can't find two hours or two dollars for coffee? Yet, he kept calling me, giving the impression he was interested, and told me he was. He actually seems like a confident guy.

Did I have a right then to respond with such a hasty response? Since he hasn't responded, I kinda feel like a nut (being that we have not met) I dont want to look like a pushover though.

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

you haven't actually met this guy in person, have you?

 

When a guy is interested, he makes a concrete plan in advance and asks you out on a Sat/Fri to let you know he is sincere (and not seeing other women).

 

I would have to say, at this stage, he is under no obligation to be exclusive with one woman. Afterall, you haven't even gone out on the first date with him!

 

But i do agree, something is fishy here. When I did online dating, I found that most men who were interested took 4 e-mails or less to ask me out and set a date. most of the time, it was coffee or drinks, sometimes dinners. If he is broke, he still could have asked you to starbuck's.

 

So, something is up with him.

 

Personally, i would just write him off, not even give him a chance. I probably wouldn't even have written him a long e-mail, I would have just dropped it.

 

Yeah, chances are he IS dating other women, probably is busy at work, and hasn't made meeting you in person a priority.

 

I was in a similar situation last year, where i had an amazing first date with a guy, and he asked me out on a second date like, 5 times during our first date. He called me and e-mailed me after the date saying he had a great time.... then, suddenly, he can't do a 2nd date.... keeps postponing, saying he is out of town, then his grandmother is in the hospital, then he has a huge work project, then he dropped his phone in the pool and it broke.... Finally, we set a date, and at the last minute he sent me *an e-mail!!!!* saying he couldn't meet up, but asked about next week. (blah, I didn't respond!)

 

My theory - he was seeing other women and wanted me as a backup plan in case things with his other girls didn't work out.

 

anyways.... just forget him. he is fishy. I'm sure he'll have a bunch of lame excuses explaning why he hasn't met with you yet, but you're too smart to listen to them

[southerngirl]

Well, now at this point I guess wait and see if he invites you out or blows it off.. definitely dont invite him again unless he does the inviting.

 

i was thinking too its possible he is seeing someone else .. or he is married ... who knows.

 

I can see why you would want to meet before taking it any further though, it only makes sense. Good Luck with it.

 

As for your email? Nahh it wasnt too harsh, its how you feel and your laying it on the line, after him making plans and ditching you a few times who can blame you for being a little upset about it. He now knows your name isnt 'doormat'.

[annie24]

you know what....

 

so, to continue my story, I ran into that guy on the street a few months later. He was really happy to see me. I was just like, "uh,,, I have to go." and walked away. then, he sent me an e-mail asking how I was. THEN I wrote him back a nasty e-mail like, "what you did was incredibly rude. You would never cancel plans at the last minute for a co-worker or a friend, without a reason, so why do that to a girl you are supposedly interested in?"

 

He apologized, said he was being rude. Then I said, "and you still didn't explain why you did this!" then I told him to bugger off. Then he sent me an e-mail telling me that it was "my loss" and that I was "lucky he even sent me an e-mail canceling the date at all, he could have just stood me up." classy guy.

 

anyways, at least you told the guy in the e-mail that you're not going to stand for being jerked around (which he is).

 

forget him.

[annie24]

Folks can appear to be confident online...and yet in reality, they are not. I have had plenty of experiences with guys online who tell me they want to meet me, send emails, IMs, etc...and it never happened. Some people just want the attention...but I want RESULTS!!!

 

exactly. some men are involved with someone else already, that's why they haven't set up a date yet. some men are just curious about learning more about the "female mind" so they communicate back and forth, but don't have any interest in actually going out on a date.

 

seriously. 4 e-mails. if he doesn't ask you out by then, move on. I once waited 10 e-mails, then the guy asked me out. It turned out, he was planning on moving to europe in the coming months. And somehow, he didn't understand why I didn't want to fool around with him in the meantime.

 

2 months ago, I was talking to this guy (he contacted me). After 14 e-mails and 1 phone call, he STILL hadn't asked me out, so I just moved on. What else does he need to know about me before he asks me out on a coffee date? Something just seemed wrong there...

[melinda1122]

Heck, now I wish I was strong enough like you guys to just not respond period instead of sending an email. Now he knows Im all bent out of shape about it, AND I didn't completely close the door on him!!

[jazzgirrl]

Heck, now I wish I was strong enough like you guys to just not respond period instead of sending an email. Now he knows Im all bent out of shape about it, AND I didn't completely close the door on him!!

 

Not to worry. I'll bet you he'll contact you at some point. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week...but once he's done with his other women...or gets up the courage...or whatever...he'll come back. And of course, you will immediately hit the DELETE button!

[annie24]

exactly, just hit the delete button then! forget this guy, meet some new ones.

[annie24]

Heck, now I wish I was strong enough like you guys to just not respond period instead of sending an email. Now he knows Im all bent out of shape about it, AND I didn't completely close the door on him!!

 

yeah, but at least you told him you would not deal with any BS.

[southerngirl]

Just because you havent closed the door doesnt mean you cant.. . When he contacts you again, because Im betting he will.. Dont play into it, cut him off.. Theres others out there and you dont need this one, you have lost nothing..

[Batya33]

I think your email says too much - why does he get to hear all of that when he has been so unreliable?

I would simply write:

 

Steve,

Thanks for your e-mail. At this point I don't have time for an "e-mail buddy" or penpal. As you know, I was serious about meeting in person. At this point my impression is that you are not, which is fine, but is not compatible with what I am looking for. Take care. All the best,____."

 

You have no idea who this stranger really is so the more you say and put him on the defensive the more vulnerable you are to getting hassled by him (and he knows what you look like and where you live, right?)

 

I do not buy his $ excuses for a second - a date can be a walk in the park. If he truly has serious $ issues such that he can't even afford the gas to come and meet you then he is probably not in a position to be in a relationship right now.

A graceful exit - be a lady about it - is my vote. No need to hammer the points home because they will fall on deaf ears and makes you too vulnerable to harassing responses.

[Lady Bugg]

Oh boy this post is right up my alley..hahaha...having been through the wringer with a certain someone for months in this "online" situation.

 

The thing about this is online "rendevouz" are so alluring because they have so much hope and potential attached. You have NO clue what these people are about. For all you know they are writing a romantic email and picking their nose at the same time.....yeah imagine THAT visual.

 

I TRULY think online hookups CAN work....BUT I also think it's a matter

of having REALLY good instincts...and timing is essential as well.

 

In this guys case...I think he's a flake. As the other poster said...

how much does two cups of coffee costs? If he can't afford the gas or coffee...he's not fit for a relationship anyway....maybe he lives in a cardboard box.

 

Anyway....best of luck whatever you decide.

[Jayar]

I'd close the door completely... If you have to nag him into prioritizing you NOW, imagine what it will be like in months or years!!!

 

Find someone who begs you to meet up. I've been talking to a guy online now for a week back and forth. He asked to meet up about 3 MSN conversations into it, and I turned him down. He asked again two more times then left the ball in my court. I just gave him my phone number yesterday. THAT is what it is supposed to look like, IMO.