Sex Drive and Concealing Female Arousal

[Cardinal]

In another thread, Deviant Kate wrote the following which I intend to relate to sexual compatibility as a whole:

 

It's probably not as easy for her to wait as it looks. We women can conceal our arousal, but that doesn't mean it isn't there and that doesn't mean it isn't difficult and frustrating for us to stop.

 

I would like to make the topic a bit more general in nature and consider this to fall in the timeframe between when a couple starts dating and when they first engage in sex. My conclusion from reading the quote is that it can be just as hard for a woman to hold back from engaging in sex as it is for a man. I feel that is a valid statement. I'd love to hear more feedback from males and females on how concealing female arousal in the initial dating phase of your relationship has impacted your sexual compatiblity both short and long term. I am interested in what feedback you have and don't want to place limits on the discussion.

 

My Personal Experiences and Relationship Goals

 

Previously, I have come to another conclusion in my personal life. Unless a woman has directly told me otherwise, I find that if she can go more than a month or two whle dating me before having sex, she more than likely doesn't have a sex drive that will be compatible with mine over the long term. Sexual compatibility is very tough to predict ahead of time. Though I inquire, I don't expect to determine many aspects of sexual compatibility prior to having sex. In sooth, there aren't that many things that would be deal breakers for me sexually. I simply don't have that many requirements and am not particularly selective overall. But I have come to believe that a major difference in sex drive is a deal breaker for me. For a long term relationship I am looking for someone who puts intimacy and sexual compatibility at the same high priority level that I do and who is willing to make that a very long term commitment. For that to work best, I think having naturally compatible sex drives is a key to that. A high sex drive is often associated with enthusiasm and a willingness for sex that would be tough to fake. And I would ask little more of any partner than to be enthusiastic during sex (once again, I am not rules/requirements type person).

 

So that is where I am coming from. Now I would like to hear your views. I do have plenty more to say, but I tend to get long winded as it is.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Women have been socially conditioned for many generations to conceal their sexual appetites. There have even threads on here on how acceptable a guy thinks it is for a woman to want sex the first date. There is still a stigma associated with women having a high sex drive and being as sexually aggressive as men. It very much tempers the way we act in dating situations.

 

There are women who don't conform to this pattern, but there are a lot that do. Religion and upbringing have a great impact on how sexually open a woman will be with a man while she is getting to know him. There are some women who view sex is recreational and engage in it indiscriminately and with little importance to the act beyond it being pleasurable and fun, these women will most likely not be discrete about their desires and will show how much they want sex.

 

Then there are women who place a high emotional value on sex and see it as a time of intimacy and bonding, these women will not be as readily willing to have sex in the early stages on a relationship unless they feel they are with someone who cares for them. This woman once she becomes sexually active with her partner can go two ways, 1) continue to conceal her arousal and conform to societal pressures or 2) she may view the intimacy as a way to be open about her true nature which is just as sexual as men.

 

However, neither behavior pattern is a true indication of sexual drive. Women have as varied sexual drives as men, but because of the way women are socialized there is no litmus test to give you a true answer as to whether she will have a high or low sex drive. That means you still have to get to know the woman and not think there is any easy answer like “sex on first date = sex all the time”. Women or men for that matter are all different, you have to base your decisions on the individual and their actions and preferences not some generalization you formulate.

[Scotcha]

I'd love to hear more feedback from males and females on how concealing female arousal in the initial dating phase of your relationship has impacted your sexual compatiblity both short and long term.

 

I have a very high sex drive and don't "conceal my arousal" very well at all. Before dating my boyfriend I made a resolution to wait before having sex. I didn't have an exact timeframe, I just wanted to wait longer than my typical three days or less.. (I haven't slept with that many people, I just start having sex very early in a relationship...)

 

I managed to "conceal my arousal" until our 11th date.. 10 days after our first date, 7 days after our first kiss, and 3 days after we became official. (Yeah, I know, I know.. But we started dating on January 1 so it was almost too easy to keep track..)

 

My boyfriend and I have actually discussed this topic and here is a basic re-hash of what he had to say:

 

If I had "put out" too soon he would not have been as inclined to make the relationship official, at least not as quickly as he had, if at all. I can't remember why.. I think it has to do with a combination of trust and respect.. I agree that's hogswash because he'd sure be missing out if it weren't for my personal resolution.

 

I also know now that my boyfriend would not wait more than 2 or 3 months to have sex as he likes to express um.. things.

[TheRedQueen]

Um, when I'm aroused, it's um kinda hard to conceal. In other words my boyfriend would certainly be able to feel my being sexually aroused, not to be vulgar but how can one conceal the fact that they are wet? *scratches head* I don't get it.

[Eto]

From personal experience, woman that I've ended up having sex with did a poor job hiding their sexual arousal. I am hypersensitive to other peoples' feelings and can read body language very well. I can detect arousal from a woman's rate of breathing, pupil size, tone of voice, and general emotional state. I thoroughly enjoy watching a female attempt to hide her state of sexual arousal as upon noticing I become aroused myself. And I don't think I've ever used the word arousal as many times as I just did. That's my two cents.

[Scotcha]

I would like to make the topic a bit more general in nature and consider this to fall in the timeframe between when a couple starts dating and when they first engage in sex.

 

 

TheRedQueen and Eto.. This is what Cardinal expanded the possible meaning of "women concealing arousal to mean". A less counfusing way of putting it would have been to say "resisting the temptation to have sex" or "denying the actual urge". That is, I think that is what the OP meant.

[TheRedQueen]

Oh so by sexual arousal, the OP means general sexual interest and sexual attraction?

[Cardinal]

CarnelianButterfly: I appreciate your comments!

 

 

 

 

I agree there is no litmus test to tell if a woman has a high or low sex drive. But I can postulate a few things that might help. At that appropriate time, having a good thorough conversation and asking about it is probably best. But though I would restate what I have here to a potential mate, the type of commitment I am looking for would have to come from her without too much intervention on my part. In short, I am afraid exerting pressure/influence would simply backfire. Though I would never issue any type of ultimatum, when you do talk about deal breakers that is the indication. Hence one of the reasons why, long term, I am looking for someone with a naturally high drive who KNOWS beyond a doubt that is how they are and that is how they will strive to be in the future.

 

I appreciate your mentioning the distinction between women who want casual sex and women who want more intimacy and emotional connection. The closest litmus test of physical need may be female masturbation. If she does and always has masturbated quite regularly, that would tell me her drive is pretty high (and can be maintained). In that sense it may not matter how much intimacy and emotional connection there is. Perhaps I am trying to be a bit idealistic but I think I can find a woman a lot like I am. Someone who would engage in sex acts regardless of intimacy and emotional connection (someone who masturbates frequently and always has) and also someone who highly values the emotional and intimate aspects of sex as I do.

 

I realize many women don't masturbate. And the last thing I would want to do is exclude a wonderful lady for no good reason at all. But it begs a question. Are there really women out there who rarely or never masturbate, but who could handle and would willfully choose to have intercourse lets say at least daily?

 

Perhaps if the intimate and emotional connection were strong enough, high frequency sex would be possible long term. But what would drive the need?

[vandgsmom]

....not to be vulgar but how can one conceal the fact that they are wet? *scratches head* I don't get it.

 

 

ROFLMAO...

 

Okay, Red.... from my vast experience on the subject the only way to conceal superfluous wetness is either with an adult diaper or downing vast quantities of phentermine until you are hopped up and dehydrated... lol

 

(or you could just avoid letting him stick his hand in your panties)

[melrich]

TheRedQueen and Eto.. This is what Cardinal expanded the possible meaning of "women concealing arousal to mean". A less counfusing way of putting it would have been to say "resisting the temptation to have sex" or "denying the actual urge". That is, I think that is what the OP meant.

 

Yes the OP is not talking about concealing arousal during intimacy or sex.

 

Anyway, I think a problem with what you are saying Cardinal is that it assumes that sex drive is not a variable. I have been in relationships where my sex drive was what I'd consider high and I've been in them where I'd consider it non-existent. I assume it's the same with women.

 

What I am saying is, I think a part of how driven you are for sex is who you are with.

[TheRedQueen]

ROFLMAO...

 

Okay, Red.... from my vast experience on the subject the only way to conceal superfluous wetness is either with an adult diaper or downing vast quantities of phentermine until you are hopped up and dehydrated... lol

 

(or you could just avoid letting him stick his hand in your panties)

 

True, true, word to your mother!

[TheRedQueen]

When I am aroused, my partner is usually inundated with tell-tale signs of this fact, but perhaps this is some strange phenomenon?

[Cardinal]

I have a very high sex drive and don't "conceal my arousal" very well at all. Before dating my boyfriend I made a resolution to wait before having sex. I didn't have an exact timeframe, I just wanted to wait longer than my typical three days or less.. (I haven't slept with that many people, I just start having sex very early in a relationship...)

 

After reading your entire post I realize I may be overanalyzing this. But I think the discussion is well worth having and expounding upon. So I might just recognize very easily within the first month or so of dating her level of sex drive. I'd probably recognize it about you on the first date. You'd be giving off pretty direct signals and might even shift the conversation right to intimacy and sex (even though you still planned to wait)

 

I guess that is where having little dating experience bites me. It could be super obvious when I meet the right person eventually. Thanks for taking the time to respond!

[Cardinal]

From personal experience, woman that I've ended up having sex with did a poor job hiding their sexual arousal. I am hypersensitive to other peoples' feelings and can read body language very well. I can detect arousal from a woman's rate of breathing, pupil size, tone of voice, and general emotional state. I thoroughly enjoy watching a female attempt to hide her state of sexual arousal as upon noticing I become aroused myself. And I don't think I've ever used the word arousal as many times as I just did. That's my two cents.

 

 

I want to be like this! If only other men had your vision and intuition. Maybe they can invent some type of goggles that would work like this (would be worth more than the one that make regular clothing diaphinous(sp)).

[Cardinal]

TheRedQueen and Eto.. This is what Cardinal expanded the possible meaning of "women concealing arousal to mean". A less counfusing way of putting it would have been to say "resisting the temptation to have sex" or "denying the actual urge". That is, I think that is what the OP meant.

 

Redqueen, yes I am talking about both sexual interest and sexual attraction. Scotcha's formulation is as good as any. I am purposefully making it more general and trying not to limit the discussion.

[vandgsmom]

When I am aroused, my partner is usually inundated with tell-tale signs of this fact, but perhaps this is some strange phenomenon?

 

Umm.. nope. I guess you were out that week... find a thread called "Too Wet For Friction"...LOL Nice to finally meet another member of the slip and slide club... phentermine helps... but after taking about a forth of a bottle of it this weekend I am definatly feeling the after effects...LOL

[vandgsmom]

I want to be like this! If only other men had your vision and intuition...

 

Speaking from first hand experience....

 

You bet you do! You women would all be VERY happy campers...

[Scotcha]

After reading your entire post I realize I may be overanalyzing this. But I think the discussion is well worth having and expounding upon. So I might just recognize very easily within the first month or so of dating her level of sex drive. I'd probably recognize it about you on the first date. You'd be giving off pretty direct signals and might even shift the conversation right to intimacy and sex (even though you still planned to wait)

 

I guess that is where having little dating experience bites me. It could be super obvious when I meet the right person eventually. Thanks for taking the time to respond!

 

I believe it might be difficult to recognize a woman's sex drive in only a month. Some people need more of an emotional connection before they begin feeling sexual and others may feel more sexual with the newness of a relationship. The variants are really as endless as there are women.

 

That being said... I still won't kiss on a first date (Anymore.. I like the anticipation too much!) And I am (when interested) a very "go with the flow" kind of girl. I doubt I've ever made the first move in my life. (Only seconds and thirds for me! )

 

Actually, thinking back now I believe I might have only been able to wait as long as I did with my boyfriend because that was how long HE wanted to wait... If I've accepted a date I've already approved and I'm pretty sure if he wanted to sooner I would have.. But it's hard to say now.

[vandgsmom]

I totally get the sentiment, Scotcha... The very rare bit of dating I did before my marraige/divorce was done with the rule that I did not make the first move, or any moves thereafter. It was "you come to me, buddy" and no exceptions... After that though, I loved to be forceful....

 

But in an odd way, I was totally liberated of that since Trevor and I met here, and I have been very obviously comfortable talking about my sexual appetites and desires. He already knew all of that, understood it, and was comfortable with who I was. I don't think I remember who made the first move when we met... it no longer mattered. We weren't like dogs circling, fighting for position, we just came together naturally...

 

I think I liked it better that way. I didn't feel like I was it was too soon, and neither did he. We gave ourselves to each other, with no inhibitions about whose role was whose to play. I love him.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that the majority of women find it necessary to conceal their sexual arrousal simply for the reasons mentioned earlier. It is not socially acceptable for a woman to express herself sexually as she is labled a "woman of the night" or whatever else. As far as the socialization point, I think it suits some woman to adhere to the ideal that woman are supposed to be a certain way and thats why we say that women have been socialized.

In my experience women have a tendency to want the guy to make the first move, then it is more so an excuse. You have to realize that women get just as sexually arroused as men and you have to know how to provoke that in a certain woman. Once you do that, getting her to conceal her arrousal will be more difficult for her and she will be more likely to give in to her desires.

[Cardinal]

I have no idea how I missed your post initially.

 

Yes the OP is not talking about concealing arousal during intimacy or sex.

 

Anyway, I think a problem with what you are saying Cardinal is that it assumes that sex drive is not a variable. I have been in relationships where my sex drive was what I'd consider high and I've been in them where I'd consider it non-existent. I assume it's the same with women.

 

What I am saying is, I think a part of how driven you are for sex is who you are with.

 

That is exactly right. I am assuming sex drive is not a variable.

 

What I don't like about this idea personally (the idea of sex drive being a variable) is that it seems to presuppose an external locus of control. That is fine and dandy, but I believe in more of an internal locus of control. I appreciate a woman most who understands what triggers her own desire and who is bold enough to recognize when she is with a man who does not do it for her.

 

And furthermore, a woman who recognizes when her drive is lower than she would like and intuitively knows how to bring it to her level of satisfaction. I see no good reason why people in general should not be able to control their own sex drive.

 

In one sense sex drive is variable. It will change over a persons lifetime. But I still believe an innate personal desire to keep drive at a reasonable and satisfactory level (for her) is highly possible. It is all about undertanding your own body and mind.

[Deviant_Kate]

theRedQueen - When I said women can easily conceal their arousal, I meant in situations where we are clothed and don't have someone's hand down our pants (or up our skirts).

 

Women don't get spontaneous boners. thereforeeee, women can easily conceal arousal.

[Batya33]

A woman who has sex quickly with you may have a low sex drive but a high level of insecurity that she will lose you unless she puts out. I believe I have a very healthy sex drive but also a very healthy sense of self and values (which include waiting at least a few months to have sex because I want to be sure there is a commitment, love and potential for marriage) such that I can prioritize my values (same as with anything in life that is tempting). I have met men who have ideas like yours and thankfully they tell me pretty much off the bat (once it becomes clear, early on, what my values are) so that I can move on to someone with compatible values, as well as a compatible sex drive.

 

I am not criticizing your decision not to wait to have sex but disagree with your theory about what it says about a woman's sex drive.

[Cardinal]

Batya,

 

Fair enough. And I also don't see a problem with your reasoning. It sounds very well thought out. One thing I don't think I have fully explored is the real possibility of compromise. I realize I am deviating some from the main topic, but...

 

Though I have stated why under normal circumstances, I might not view positively a situation where a woman could conceal her arousal enough and tone down her drive to actually wait more than a couple of months for sex...as long as I felt my needs were being considered, I could wait a very long time indeed via compromise. For example if we agreed that I could give her oral sex and do so very frequently, even if no other more progressive sex acts were involved, that stipulation alone would be enough to extend the time I would wait for intercourse incredibly. In truth, it would probably extend it longer than most women would ever need assuming sex before marriage. I personally think that would turn the tables on the situation in many cases.

 

And if she could go very many months just receiving oral, then that is perfectly fine by me! I'd be very amused to see just how long she could last under those circumstances before wanting more. So there is an element of satisfaction and a degree of intimacy I am looking for in relatively new relationships. How we get there may be negotiable. In my case I would offer something that she can only refuse for so long. Trouble is, I am not sure if I could conceal that I was already doing my favorite thing and that actual intercourse was indeed something I would gladly sit and wait for. She'd probably be wanting it more than I would.

[Cardinal]

I think I may be beginning to understand myself better. Noone wants to feel used. Some men use women for sex and hence women feel the need to seek commitment and love prior to engaging in sex. Some women use men for their own reasons. I personally revile the idea of being controlled (controlled in a negative way). And I wouldn't want a woman to withhold sex as a control mechanism. That is also why I personally do not like rejection in general and have a hard time seeing why interest isn't always openly and honestly expressed. That is also why I so badly want to date someone with a compatible sex drive. It avoids a lot of frustration and is a day to day activity that can keep a couple on the same page. Some issues are more long term in that they may not effect a relationship for a very long time. Sexual compatiblity it both long and short term.

 

I put less importance on things that are not fundamental to my happiness. Intimacy and sex is not one of those things however. So I also feel stronger emotions and a more powerful drive to find compatiblity.