Help? What went wrong so fast?

[annie24]

I don't know - it may be too early to tell if things are not going well or not. it is only 2 months into the relationship, some people are not comfortable making more of a committment than "we're exclusive" at this stage. Time will tell.....

[blender]

yep, you're right Annie, it is early in the relationship, but I don't think this guy ever said: "we're exclusive"..... that's a commitment and I don't think that it was he said, he simply said, he's "not dating anyone else but would let her know if he did because that is fair".... I'm praying for her, I know she really cares for this guy and has invested herself into it, and it's still on the fence as to where it stand right now... but here's to her getting whatever she truly wants....she deserves the best..

[candy604]

hehe i like txt messages, it's fun! but make sure if there is something bothering him or you you voice it to each other. no silence thing, it's immature to leave people in the dark not knowing what is going on. Sounds like your in a causual relationship.

 

Good luck!

[roxy79]

He texted me a few more times early last night and then called when he got home. He was in a great mood and we had fun talking. So things seem to be fine.

 

To clarify he never said we were "casual. " NEVER. He said he liked the way things were. Didn't want to get any more serious right NOW. Why would we have to get all serious after 2 months. I just met him. I like to take things slow too. Getting serious to me means putting a ring on or having me move it.

 

What it comes down it is we ARE exclusvie with each other. He just didn't want to say it and thats what he told my best friend. He said "she has nothing to worry about." He talks a lot of talk, but his actions BEFORE proved he was only interested in me. And truly, we kinda are gettin back to that stage where he is texting me and calling me. ALL of his friends refer to me as his girlfriend and they know he is not out meeting other girls. I think HE is just scared of the title that's all. And if in a month or two, he still doesn't want that "title" , then I'm out.

[Batya33]

It's hard to follow your post because on the one hand you claim you are exclusive but on the other you claim you want some sort of "title." We just have different definitions of exclusive - to me it means when a man says that he is not dating anyone else and is closing off the option of dating anyone else. If all I had to go on was him telling me it was "not casual" and telling my friend that I didn't "have to worry" that would give me no comfort at all. For me two months is enough time to date someone before deciding whether to be exclusive. But that's just me - as long as you are comfortable with the status of the relationship that's fine.

 

It sounds like you are very uncomfortable (or at least, were) because of the conclusions you jumped to from his failure to call you or invite you out this weekend. If you truly believed you had nothing to worry about why did you react the way you did?

 

I am not trying to be right or tell you that your relationship is healthy or unhealthy, just observing that your posts seem to be inconsistent from what you write here. My guess is the more he pulls away, is unreliable, refuses to put a "label" on what you have (despite being all too willing to be intimate with you) the more attractive and desirable he seems to be.

 

I think it's great that you have a time after which you will end it if he doesn't step up to the plate - shows a great deal of self respect on your part.

[annie24]

honey - it doesn't matter what other people think about your relationship or if they call you his gf. What matters is just the two of you, and your interactions.

 

Anyways, don't feel the need to make excuses for him or his behavior. Just let things play out as they may. don't overanalyze at this stage. just enjoy the relationship, and come back in a month and re-evaluate if things are going as you like, or if you are not satisfied with the direction of the relationship.

 

to be constantly overanalyzing sends out 'nervous vibes' and trust me.... men can smell them a mile away and it freaks them out!

[roxy79]

Thanks Annie! I'm not going to try to explain myself on here. I feel like i'm being put up on a corkboard by some and it's irritating. My posts are incosistant because my emotions are going up and down!!!!!!! I'm just glad i'm not DOWN anymore. Him calling me Sunday made me feel great (to a point), texting me yesterday was awesome and calling me last night even though he knew i was exhausted meant tons to me.

 

I overracted, simple as that. I like the dude a lot and for the most part, he really really digs me. So he was lame for a few days. I'm sure I've been a big B sometimes too. I looked into everything and overanalized everything and that hurt me.

 

I'm going to do my best to just go with the flow and enjoy what we have, cause it is rad to me. And I know when to throw in the towel, but its way too soon for that. way too soon. We are still getting to know each other and I'm assuming, over time, we'll both realize what we want out of this. And I hope its to take it to the next level, if not. "these boots are made for walking..."

[blender]

Hang in there, take care of YOUR own heart. And at some point you might want to ask yourself if it's okay for your heart to be "intimate" with him again, if it continues to be "casual".. and I know, I know, you're screaming at the computer, "it's NOT casual"... I know for YOU it isn't and (I hope it's the same for him) but perhaps you might want to say to him, "we've kinda moved a bit fast, and I just want to be "clear" about a few things, when I choose to be intimate with someone, I expect that we are exclusive, if you are not ready to be so, then I think we need to slow down, and get to know each other a bit better"

 

For a man, this display of your own self respect puts you in a more serious place in his mind, and he will have to make an "effort" to keep you in his life, that will separate you from a girl who "doesn't have to worry" to a girl in his mind that "is the woman worth making an effort for" and that makes a woman VERY attractive... If you are "more clear" on where you stand, he will have to be "more clear" on where he stands...

 

I know how you felt this past weekend, I remember my ex once not calling me for a few days, it wasn't a wedding we were supposed to go to, it was just a dinner party..but I never heard from him...(I didn't call him, because we had already discussed him going with me) and when I didn't hear from him, I was just like you..so upset, wondering, worrying, it's normal to feel that way, he did call the following Monday night and said, "I've had a busy weekend, sorry, just got away from me" and of course I was so happy to hear from him, that I instantly forgave his behavior but one thing I did do, is when he did finally call, I said to him, "I would have preferred if you had called me to let me know you were not going with me to the dinner party, so I'm just letting you know that if we discuss something and we make a plan, it does not "work for me" if you just don't call, I wouldn't accept that from a man in my life, or a friend, okay?"

 

He was "shocked" that I said something so calm, mature, confident, that he went out of his way to call me after that... and that is exactly what I expected, anything less, I would have known that he was NOT really serious about me...

 

I knew I had to be serious about myself... that is the only way to be treated right in a relationship, and if he doesn't respond positively to your self respect, you can move on, instead of "walking on egg shells' hoping he "still wants to be with you"...

 

that's eventually the mistake I made, I let my standards slip, I sensed it was getting "too real and a bit scary" for him and I stopped letting him know when I was "hurt" or "happy", ya know what I'm saying, I was always "calibrating what I would do based on HIS reaction...and eventually I gave all my energy to a guy who just "couldn't make a commitment"...well the fact is, he didn't have to.. because I was CHOOSING TO LET THINGS SLIP, EVEN WHEN THEY BOTHERED ME... thinking he "needed" time.

 

So I gave it to him, but I didn't give it to myself.. I was thinking about him day and night...we continued to be intimate, he always said, "I love you" so was he thinking of me day and night, sure, but not in the "right" way.. and deep down inside I knew this, when he didn't call, or was backing off.. but I thought, I just need to "play this right"..well I shouldn't have "played" I needed to take myself seriously so he could do the same... but eventually to a guy like him, anything "real" was too scary, not just with me, but with anyone.. I'm not saying your guy is the same way, but at least YOU sounded so much like me in your "panic post" when he wasn't calling, I could really relate...

 

I should have stuck with that girl I was in the beginning, the independent, defined, self respecting girl he met.. he would have stuck it out and made the effort or he would have left me a whole lot sooner, but I fell so deeply for him that my self respect became blurred, for me and then for him... ugh.... that is why I am posting to you, so perhaps you could learn from my situation.. that's all... don't be afraid to define what YOU want in a relationship...if it makes him "nervous" then let it, you will know much sooner where he stands...and you will save yourself a lot of heartache..

 

And please don't confuse this with "extremes" like "a ring on your finger". I'm simply talking about "self respect" and if a guy says he's going to a wedding with you and then backs out without directly saying "I don't want to go is that okay with you?", but he didn't give you that courtesy, heck he didn't even call you that day.. no big lecture needs to be made to him, but you were very disappointed and that's normal for you to feel that way, and you should let him know that you didn't like the way he chose to handle it. it's okay to let him know that's not "okay for you"... unless it is.. is it?

 

I wish the best for you, let us know how you're doing.... good luck.. and remember YOU are the catch...

[Siriana]

I've red only your first post here. Based on that you've done nothing wrong. He's avoiding you from some reason. I would stop calling him. And than see what happens - if he doesn't call....

[Batya33]

As I repeated several times, my opinion was my personal one - my observation was that you seemed uncomfortable with your status with him. For whatever reason, others' personal opinions make you react defensively about your status with him. You cannot expect me or anyone else to read your up/down/in the middle emotional posts that ask for advice without concluding that you feel insecure about your status. Also it is hard to tell tone from a post of course.

It all comes down to you. You have made it clear that you feel comfortable being intimate where the man is allowed to see other people if he wants as long as he is not doing so at the present time, has told you that it is not casual and has told you that he is not yet ready for the "boyfriend" title. You also have made it clear that you are willing to excuse his behavior over the last several days. You also have made it clear that you are happy with how things are now given his communication with you over the last few days. That's all great and anyone else's opinion on how you should react to these events - including my opinion - is irrelevant. Maybe that's the best thing you've discovered - not to seek advice/input about your relationship from others on a message board because it doesn't seem to work for you.

 

Good luck!

[annie24]

something that I was thinking may help you.... and something that I've been trying to apply to my life is.... WWHI? As in, "What would Heidi Do?" (Heidi Klum!)

 

Say you are Heidi Klum, and you are dating some guy, and he doesn't call you one weekend. Would heidi freak out? No. she'd be like, "um, whatever, he's a moron." or if he backs out on her at the last minute, would she freak out? no. she'd just be like, "well, whatever, his loss. men like him are a dime a dozen. If he doesn't want my fabulous self, I'll find someone who does. That will take me a total of 5 minutes. NEXT!"

 

I've made it my goal this year to try to be a bit more like Heidi.

 

And you know that you are a fabulous woman! so, if he ditches you or disrespects you, don't get all upset or emotional. just know that it is his loss and you won't be with someone like that (STANDARDS!)

[roxy79]

That is totally my attitude annie. And I've had that attitude in most of my relationships. Cause I truly believe I am a catch and I deserve to be treated accordingly. For whatever reason, my boy backed off for the weekend, we are back to "ourselves" and actually better than before. This is my 3rd day in a row where HE'S called me... even more than once in one day. This hasn't happened EVER. Normally cause he's working till 11:30pm, knowing I go to bed quite early and he doesn't like waking me up.

 

So I'm happy. I'm disapointed in myself for getting so freaked out Sunday, but hey, we ain't all perfect. But I know now, and I can sense, that my dude IS into me and DOES care about me. He shows in his words and things he says to me. I hope this continues... but I'll be ready if it doesn't. thanks.

[annie24]

we all have our setbacks sometimes. I myself am a bundle of nerves. it's hard for me to calm down sometimes.

 

but then again, my nervousness has always been a sign that something was wrong in the relationship. so, I guess it has always served me well in that regard. but that is just me.

 

anyways, yeah, just remind yourself everyday that you are a catch, and that if he goes a week without calling or whatever, that you won't waste time being upset, you'll just go find better things to do!

[roxy79]

That is exactly what I will do. Sunday was soooo draining. I never want to deal with that BS again. Seems like maybe he just needed some time to think. I'm loving that he's back to himself, eventhough, like today, he had a rough day at work, he still made time for me during the day and tonight. Maybe he just needed a few days away from me to realize how much he DOES want to be with me. who knows.

 

If he pulls it again, I won't stand for it. there is NO way I'd let him disappear for a week. 3 days is my limit... especially when we are "close." After that, I'm calling, asking for him to put my stuff on the front porch, and I'm off to Alabama. (But keep your fingers crossed I never have to make that call!!)

 

Thanks Annie. You've been great.

[Batya33]

something that I was thinking may help you.... and something that I've been trying to apply to my life is.... WWHI? As in, "What would Heidi Do?" (Heidi Klum!)

 

Say you are Heidi Klum, and you are dating some guy, and he doesn't call you one weekend. Would heidi freak out? No. she'd be like, "um, whatever, he's a moron." or if he backs out on her at the last minute, would she freak out? no. she'd just be like, "well, whatever, his loss. men like him are a dime a dozen. If he doesn't want my fabulous self, I'll find someone who does. That will take me a total of 5 minutes. NEXT!"

 

Do you know her personally? Why presume that she doesn't react exactly the same way? Because she happens to be attractive looking and seems confident in public? Think of all the eating disorders and other psychological issues that plague "the beautiful people."

[Momene]

I would also politely suggest that some girls mess blokes about as well, so perhaps we should take the advice, too.

[Rabican]

maybe give him a couple days... or just say hey the last few times ive tried talking to you, you seemed distant / busy... so why dont you call me when you have time and well talk.

 

If he keeps blowing you off... then maybe you should find someone who WILL make time for ya.

[1899]

He and I had had the discussion a week or two ago bought where we stood with each other. Asked if we were exclusive to each other or if this was just a casual dating thing for him. He said he's not seeing anyone else but he's not ready to get more serious. ................ Maybe he needs to make a decision about "us". ???

 

 

Yes, hes talking to you right now, and everything seems back to normal.

Right now he:

 

1.probably feels like hes trapped in just having to make contact with you everyday or else you will freak, or hear about it through his friends. Somehow (and i know this may be hard but) you should find somthing interesting to do outside of just him. Besides, what happens if he dumps you? Seems like you would be pretty darn upset. Find youself somthing else interesting to do while you still have your sanity!

 

2.dosent want to be exclusive. Yeah he likes you but not being exclusive is buying him time to meet others. Us guys sometimes get curious about what else is out there when we see the great sucess we are having with just one person. (read: new confidence)

 

Looks like from what you posted he's having his cake and eating it too. Why be exclusive when you can get everything without making a commitment? Face it, your not married to him. Try to slow the gifts/favors/initiations down IF you want this to work.

 

Thats what I read out of it