Help? What went wrong so fast?

[Batya33]

I don't think our personal opinions help. Each relationship has its own routine. If my boyfriend or me needed "space" we would tell each other "I'm not available this weekend" in advance so the other person could make other plans (this has never happened but I know that that is how it would be). He would never be out of a touch for an entire day unless I knew that in advance and he would be right to be angry at me if I was (because he would worry that I wasn't well or that I was in some kind of danger, that's how odd it would be). It's because we want to be together but also out of respect for each other's time and precious free time. And, we happen to love talking to each other.

 

But I must reiterate - that is just me and my relationship. The point is respect and comfort - however you two work out the calling and planning thing it has to work for both of you and make both of you feel respected enough. It doesn't work if one person feels smothered, or always obligated to call (although sometimes I call him to let him know I got home safely - out of obligation - but I tell him that I am just checking in and we keep it short). it also doesn't work if one of you is waiting around under the impression that a call is coming.

 

What I do when a man seems to need space is I give it to him - except at least three times more space than he seemed to want. Without being obnoxious about it, say very nicely to him and nonchalantly - if he asks to see you - that you are busy this weekend. Do not share what you are doing or with whom and do not say that it is " * * * for tat" - just say "wow I wish I could see you this weekend but I already made plans. hopefully we can see each other next weekend."

[Momene]

maybe he is just trying to see how you will react???

 

 

Hope not. If so, he's a game player and well worth avoiding.

[roxy79]

Well I decided its okay for him to hang out with his friend without me. I dont know truly who went. Maybe it was just a guys trip. He should be able to do things without me, just sucks that he knew I wanted to see him and he made zero effort to see me.

 

I think he's just doing the whole "guy" thing. Not calling, doing whatever he pleases, not having to answer to anyone. I've seen guys do this and I think if I actually am calm about it this time, it might work in my favor. Last guy I was serious about, needed some "space" but I didn't understand what that meant and it drove me crazy and all I did was drive him away further.

 

So I'm gonna give him space. Let him do whatever it is he is doing, and if it doesn't shake off, then I'm out of here. Yeah it will suck cause I really like this guy, but I'm not gonna let him be a poop to me. He's normally not in a funk this long. And he normally always wants to see me.

 

I'm happy he called. If he didn't want to talk to me, he woudln't have called. Case in point the entire weekend. ya know?

Maybe he just needed some alone time, with his chick. Maybe he's thinking about where this is going and if he does miss me or want to be with me. right?

[miss horatio]

well it could be he hasn't quite defined in his head if he even wants to get into a more steady relationship, and since the relationship is so new, it's not like some conversation you would have had, so this may be how he deals with it. i think in moments like this you have to remember your own personal value and not take it personally, give him some space let him figure it out. but don't get too needy. you want someone in the end who really wants you and wants to be in your life. and trust me there are plenty. don't ever settle for anything less or life can get miserable. you are worth it.

misshoratio

[Batya33]

Just keep in mind the respect element. You are having to guess and speculate as to why he didn't call, why he didn't invite you, why he called you when he did. To me, respect on his part would mean not leaving you hanging and when he called apologizing for being out of touch and letting you know directly that while he had a good time with his friends and needed time with his friends, he is thinking of you and looking forward to seeing you.

[roxy79]

He and I had had the discussion a week or two ago bought where we stood with each other. Asked if we were exclusive to each other or if this was just a casual dating thing for him. He said he's not seeing anyone else but he's not ready to get more serious. I just wanted to know if he was out dating other girls and he told m Best friend that "she has nothing to worry about." And he confirmed that. That if he met someone else, he'd tell me. but maybe he is still wondering or pondering where this relationship is gonna go. Maybe he needs to make a decision about "us". ???

 

I just like the way things are... not need to move ahead just yet. I think he feels the same way.

[Batya33]

Ok - sounds like he wants to keep his options open. You should too. In those circumstances, time to stop acting like the "girlfriend" and allowing him to have daily contact with you - slow things done such that you respond to his calls and texts far more than you initiate and respond promptly only when he calls to ask you out for a proper date in advance that he plans. He doesn't get to have his cake - all the fun "couple" stuff without being exclusive. And- you say you are happy with the situation but your reaction to his not asking you to join him on the boat sounded like you expect him to be like an exclusive boyfriend who invites you to all the couple stuff. As hard as it is he may have wanted to be there alone so that he could be open to meeting others. Self-protect!

[roxy79]

That's what I had planned on doing. He took a step back, so am I. I don't plan on answerning his calls right away or his texts. Kinda feel like dispearing for a while so he can wonder what I'm up to, who I'm seeing etc. I dont know how he suddenly lost interest and is looking "elsewhere" now.

 

I WAS happy with the way things going. I HATE what happened this weekend. Obviously he wouldn't have called me last night if he didn't care. I think giving him space and time without me is the best right now. I'm not going to persue it any further... don't have time this week anyhow.

 

I just hope he isn't slowly fading away from me. I talked to his best friend today and asked if anything was going on with him and he said he hadn't talk to him yet... said that it sounds like he is just being a guy and don't read into it.

[blender]

Roxy, it seems the cart was before the horse here, you said that the two of you discussed "where you stood" and he said, he's "not ready to make it anything more serious right now".

 

If the two of you are intimate and you've chosen to give yourself to this man physically, why would it be a "casual' relationship? Unless that is "okay" for YOU. If it is well then fine, this is the type of casual relationship you have asked for... but if it's not what you want, and you are hurting, well then perhaps you need to set up some standards for yourself on what you are willing to tolerate for yourself. You can not tell him how to behave but you can tell him what is "okay" for you and what is not working for you.

 

You are worthy of so much more than this type of situation, don't you believe you deserve to pace yourself with a man, get to know him, be honest, clear, and communicate with each other in a respectful manner and THEN choose to be intimate?

 

I'm sure you felt you "knew him" but like I said before you need to know "yourself" better, and have a "sense of self" so you can have standards/values YOU choose to live by and if him not calling you this weekend, hurt your feelings, there is no reason for you to not say to him, "I'm not comfortable dating someone and being intimate, and having to be up in the air about when we are going to see each other etc.

 

You have the respectful option here to start pulling back, and NOT being intimate with him for awhile until you see some "effort and respect" on his part towards you.

 

Is it really okay with you that you were upset all weekend wondering where he was, and what he was doing? Is it HIM you do not trust? Is it your own insecurities?

 

I have to say I think ANY woman would want the man she has been intimate with to at least call and say "I'm not going to be able to see you this weekend, I'm gonna be with the "guys" but let's make dinner plans for tuesday or whatever, does that work for you?"

 

At least you could WANT THAT FOR YOURSELF... right?

 

If he does not start doing exactly this, then you need to move on... you can not keep "adjusting" your feelings so that everything he chooses to do, whether it makes you uncomfortable or not is just swept under the carpet so you can "keep" him around.

 

You are a wonderful girl, worthy of respect, love, and communication, but it has to start with YOU. If I were you I would let him know that you would expect "more" from any guy you were at this point with, and if he is "not interested" in be more communicative and respectful of making an effort to spend time with you, well then, you can be self-respectful enough to say, "I'm not interested in a non-commited, casual, love affair".

 

That will make the "right" guy, step up and say, "I'm sorry, I understand what you are feeling, please give me another chance" and it will make the "wrong" guy, say, "If that's the way you feel, I don't want that kind of pressure, I'm not "ready" for it, so we shouldn't see each other"

 

I know you are "scared" to voice your emotions to this man, and more importantly for you to actually stand by your own standards and live within them, but that right there is NOT a good thing.. if you "fear" you will lose someone because you let them know how you are feeling, well then you are MEANT TO LOSE THEM.... and you can move on...

 

You were hurting all weekend, wondering, this should NOT be the case, and it's NOT HIS fault, perhaps if he knew that a "casual relationship" was not your style, he might find the respect you so well deserve for him to step up to the plate... but if YOU don't SET THESE STANDARDS FOR YOURSELF, well then NO guy is going to do it for you.

 

You said you are all suppose to go away for a weekend, has HE spoken of this at all? I'm just concerned that you are setting yourself up to be hurt again, I care, and hope I helped you think this all through... I relate, I've been there done this....

[Jayar]

He's the boss. It's his company. I know he's been overworked. He's been working for 8-11:30pm almost everynight. Do I wait for him to call me? I'm afraid if i send him a text, that I might be pushing him away further....

 

I'd DEFINITELY pull away! Stop texting, calling, leaving messages.... In general let him call you three or four times for every ONCE you call him I would say. This should have been happening from the start, by the way...

 

He's the owner of a company. That makes him a go-getter and believe me if he WANTS you he will come GET you. You're probably taking all the fun out of the chase for him by doing what you're doing.

 

I know it's hard but you have to let HIM chase YOU. If he doesn't then what are you really gaining by chasing him anyway? Maybe a couple more dates and some false hope but that's it. I've made your same mistakes and won't again! Live and learn, right? Good luck!

[roxy79]

We dont have a casual relationship. He made it clear that he was not dating anyone else and if anyone else came/comes into the picture he would tell me cause he knows that would not be fair to me. I said the same thing.

 

I do value myself and do have high standards. He and I had a long deep conversation about HIM and who he is and past history. He told me all this so that I could understand him better. He let me know that he's afraid to get close cause (well for a lot of reason) but said he feels great together and he doesn't feel pressured and that I'm not like anyone he's ever dated.

 

Knowing that information (and much more than I've presented), I want to give him this little time to figure it out. I have no clue if he backed off cause he felt he was getting some seriou feelings cause I know that stuff scares him. His friends even said "he really likes her and digs her a lot, so much that he doesn't even know what to do with himself."

 

And with that, I want him to know I'm not going to pressure him to call me everyday. I'm not going to pressure him to have to see me everyday. I'm not that type of person. Yes I felt there was a lack of communication between us since Friday, but gosh, I should be able to go 3 days without "talking." we DID text each other each day mind you.

 

So i really want to give him his space and let him collect and gather and sort his feelings. I'm in no rush. I haven't called or texted him and I'm confident he will soon and when he does, I won't respond right away, but I will in a decent amount time. He's taking a step back, so will I. No harm done.

 

And by the way, he has ALWAYS been the one to call, to text, to make plans. I've hardly EVER initiated contact with him, which is why I'm sure things are just fine and he needs some time to think.

[annie24]

I agree!!!

 

Honey - you need to take a chill pill. It seems like he has made things clear where he stands from the conversation you guys had. he doesn't want to date anyone else, but at the same time, he doesn't want to make a deeper committment either.

 

I definitely think you should take a step back. just chill, give him time. let him hang out with his buddies on the boat. You, in the meantime, don't forget that you are an awesome lady, and tht if he doesn't see that, then it is his loss.

 

I do think blender has a point - there is nothing "wrong" with bringing someone dinner if that is what you want to do. i am that kind of a person also. And yes, the right man will love you for that. however, the early stages of love can be very fragile, and sometimes, too much too fast can scare someone off. especially if you he has said he does not want anything too serious just yet. Like batya said, he should not get the 'perks' of a serious relationship (like dinners brought to him), unless he makes the committment.

 

anyways, stop worrying, try to focus more on yourself, and less on what he is doing and thinking. let him worry about impressing you for a while.

[roxy79]

I think most of you have been right. But I'm not gonna drop the dude just cause he needed some space. I'm going to stay confident in my beliefs that he DOES think I'm one of kind (which he has told me) and that I know I am a catch.

 

I do plan on playing a little hard to get. I really do want to see a huge effort on his part. And as we speak, the man just sent me a text message!!!!!! HOLLY POOP!! (lol). it says "how ur day?"

 

So tell me! How long to I wait to respond????

[annie24]

I don't believe in any hard and fast rules like 4 hours or whatever.

 

why don't you just go do somethings you need to do now? like go to the gym, pay some bills, clean your house, write some e-mails to some old friends, and when you are done with everything, text him.

 

would you ever freak out about when to text back a friend? no. most likely, you would just keep doing whatever it was you were doing, and when you got a free moment, you would text her back. same here.

 

after all, he is not asking you any important questions here that need to be addressed right away. it's just a 'hey - how's it going?' text.

[roxy79]

I know...but you have to understand my excitment here people!!! I didn't think I was going to hear from him allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll week. and I didn't think he was gonna contact me in any way. and look... he's thinking of me which is AWESOME!!!!. I think I'll wait till I'm home or even after my softball game. wowsas i'm happy!

[annie24]

whoa! calm down! i think you are on a strange rollercoaster. it's a text message, not a marriage proposal.

 

just chill

[roxy79]

hahaha. too funny. I know. but seriously, I had convinced myself Id never hear from him again. I had already planned out the speech I was gonna give him so that I could get my stuff back.

 

I know you guys prolly think I'm a weirdo. sorry. It is a small insignifcant text, but it means he was thinking of me.

[annie24]

what I'm saying (and what i think we are all saying), is chill out a little. it is not the end of the world that he didn't invite you boating, but the gates of heaven aren't opening either with a text message.

 

don't convince yourself of anything. see how things go. don't convince yourself that he will never call you again - after all, he had a bad week, his whole universe does not revolve around you (yet!) it's reasonable to think he was just wanting a quiet weekend with himself and the boys.

 

no planning speeches unless the writing is on the wall that it is over.

 

just relax, let things unfold.

 

just.... calm down on both ends of the emotional spectrum.

[roxy79]

No I'm chill. Just has a boost in my cofidence thats all. I'm still gonna keep doing everything everyone has told me on here. Not that this little text is making our relationship perfect again, but it does give me hope that there is still something, or maybe nothing was ever lost, ya know?

[blender]

I wouldn't answer the text, I'd wait till he makes the "effort" to pick up the phone and call you. It's okay if you are little wounded about what has taken place, I especially don't understand the "whole wedding" thing.. he "was going to go with you" but didn't end up going and didn't even call to clearly tell you he was NOT going to go... yet you "heard from his friends" he was going... this doesn't sound like mature healthy communication... Please know that I am NOT blaming you, it's just that I hate to see you "write a script in your head of a scenario"' and then be reacting to "it" instead of really being aware of what is ACTUALLY happening. Once you've been intimate with someone the LEAST you can expect for yourself is a decent clear communication with him.

 

If you continue to find yourself making excuses for him "not calling" because he's "busy with work" "wants to take things slow" "he's scared" whatever, well if that goes on for too long, you might be "ignoring" the real situation here, and instead building a false hope on your own dreams and hopes you have for this guy... be careful.

 

I really care that you are not too hurt by all this, when we are "on a high" after getting text, or "hit a low" when we don't hear from a guy, we placing an awful lot of our own happiness and personal power into the hands of another, and that is NEVER a good idea. You will be "happy" with or without this guy in your life.

 

I know you really like him and the two of you have clicked, but him having said "I don't want anything serious right now".. well then you can't take anything he does too seriously... good or bad...

 

Let us know how you're doing, even if you don't agree with us, we all do care and are here to listen and give advice from our own experiences.. I dated a guy for a long time because we were so magical together, but he clearly said to me "I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you"... and yep I chose to "stay" in it, fooling myself that I was "happy" with the way it was...but I wasn't.. I was just hoping it would "turn into what I wanted from him".... but it didn't, when I started to "ask for more of a commitment and more respect for our relationship" he was shaking his head, saying "hey I told you, I'm not ready"....

 

well then he shouldn't have spent the time with me in the first place, been so initmate with me and more importantly I should have NOT stayed in it... what was I, a "pit stop"?????? yep, guess I was,

 

but I was blind with hopes and dreams about us, and instead of really accepting what "was actually happening" I chose to "pretend" I was "okay" with it... well I wasn't... I was like you, high on the moments of "attention" from him, and deep "lows" when he was "busy with work, with friends, wasn't calling"... ugh...and I don't mean 'seeing or calling me EVERY day".. but you know what I mean, I knew deep down inside that if I'm intimate with a man I need to be a priority in his life, and his actions and choices let me know if I am..... text messages are not sent to priority people in our lives.. we call them... because we "want" to....

 

Don't you want a guy who feels about YOU the way you are feeling about HIM? And I don't mean he behaves exactly as you, but don't you "feel in your gut" that this guy is NOT putting you in a special place in his life? And this is just the "beginning" when things are usually at thier "best"....

[annie24]

very beautifully said blender! I am going to save this post for myself!

[Batya33]

I have found myself like that at times - grasping on to a three word email like "how are you" as some sort of sign "he called!" - and looking back, that is when you know that you need to take a real step back. To me a relationship is casual if the people involved are allowed to see other people - at best it is "dating" - with very few exceptions. That's the problem here - you were intimate with him and now you presume it is serious.

 

Was he thinking of you? Obviously - but I don't see it as a positive sign. A man who wants to make sure a woman knows where she stands in his life won't just send a three word text after not being in touch most of the weekend and behaving unreliably - he will want to make sure she knows she is cared for.

 

The text messaging is a bad habit for right now - in my humble opinion - it takes him off the hook from putting in any real effort to be in touch with you. It's fine once you're in a serious relationship, you know where you stand and texting is done to check in like "I'll be home late tonight." You're having to ask people who know him whether he is dating anyone - so, you're willing to give him your body but you don't feel comfortable asking him precisely where you stand? I don't get it. And anyway, your friend wouldn't necesarily know what he does when he's not with you and if I were your friend I wouldn't want to be in that position because it gets annoying and what if I was wrong?

 

Honestly, he doesn't sound worth your while - no one is justified from behaving unreliably or disrespectfully - even if they need space.

[roxy79]

To be honest, I'm not okay with the advice I've been getting these past few responses. I'm sure you all mean well, but I do not like MY personal choices of sleeping with the guy Im dating to be the reason of discussion. I slept with him cause it felt right. He had been doing all the right things. Had been treating me like a queen.... as he HAS been up until last FRIDAY. (3 whole days ago!!!). I do not regret my decision and I stand by my VALUES, although a few of you are questioning them.

 

Yes I was upset cause I didn't hear from him Sunday. But I'm a sensitive person, although strong most the time. But I truly do not believe the fact that I slept with him has ANYTHING to do with my original post. And if texting each other thru the day works for he and I, then it works for us. Both of us CANNOT have a phone in our hand up to our ear chit chatting, thereforeee we send small messages when we can. simple communication.

 

He called last night and we DID have a wonderful conversation. Of course I was bummed about not getting to go skiing with them, but I was still upset at that time about the distance I had sensed from him. Please know that I do not plan on re-evalutating my VALUES as a person as I know how I deserve to be treated. And up until last week, my man had been doing it. Now that he's not, I'm taking a step back. Simple as that.

[blender]

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you feel we are talking about YOUR values here, you seem like you are very genuine in your feelings for him, i just hope you are not projecting this onto him..

 

because he has already said where he stands, so you can not choose to stay in this and at the same time not be fully aware that you are "just dating him" he's already said exactly this, and he'll "let you know" if he "meets/dates someone else"

 

I am not questioning YOUR values, nor do I think you should defend your actions, it's wonderful that you felt secure and close enough to him at the time you slept with him, no one here is saying that is "wrong"...

 

I personally think that is great, it's just that women do feel more of an emotional attachment after a physical connection, it's just normal and beautiful that we do.. but it does NOT mean that the man is feeling the same thing... and his "actions" afterwards are a sign of where he stands... but he's already told you where he stands.. you're a "girl he is dating"

 

This guy has been honest, he has clearly told you he is NOT interested in anything serious... so you already know where he stands, your a girl that he can date in a casual way, sleep with you, not call, call, text message, let you know if he dates someone else because that is "fair"...

 

it's very clear what you are willing to accept so that you may have a "chance" with him, and that's is fine.

 

You may not "feel" this is the way to desribe your relationship, but those are your "feelings" but it's best to make choices based not only on your feelings but the "facts" as well....

 

and the fact is, "you have accepted an intimate relationship that he has defined as a casual one" Not only with his words but with his actions.

 

I just really care that's all, I hope you keep making sure you are taking the pulse of what is happening now and not what you and he were feeling in the newness of your relationship... but on how he is choosing to behave now... he is making choices... and you have a right to make choices too, instead of just waiting and re-acting to his choices.. do you know what I mean?

 

You are worthy of dating a man who after two months either tells you, yes I want to be the man in your life, or he says, "you seem like the kind of girl a guy should be serious with and I'm not interested in that right now"

 

I could be so off in my advice, so I'm sorry if I'm seeing this all wrong... but food for thought anyway, we all care and I wish you the very best.. please keep coming here to talk, at least it will keep you thinking it all through...

[blender]

P.S. I'm so sorry you are hurting, you did nothing wrong... you simply are a loving woman who really fell for this guy... it's okay, it could work out great, just pace yourself... take care of your own heart first.. by the way, did you respond to the text? What happened?