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Help? What went wrong so fast?


roxy79
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K. Ive been dating this guy for 2 months. Things have been awesome up until this week. Mon. I asked if he didn't go out of town for the weekend if he'd go to a wedding with me. He said yes. I dont bring it up ever again cause i had already heard from his friend he was going with me, that he wasn't going out of town.

 

Tues I go to his work, bring him and all his employees dinner. I end up staying till 11:30 working with them. Wed he calls me to chit chat 2X's in the morning. being real cute and sweet. sends me a few text messages during the day.

 

Thurs he asks what time the wedding is on Sat. I pretend I dont know if he's going and ask "are you able to go?" He said it's gonna be tough.... We go back and forth on it for a little and I finally say "look I'll be a little bummed if you don't go, but I understand work is your #1 priority right now." (mind you, someone was fired at his business on tuesday so now he has to pick up the slack.)

 

Friday we talk via text a couple times in the AM. kinda cute. nothing special. I dont hear from him all day. I sent him a few random texts, he didn't respond to them. I sent him one when I got home saying if he didn't work late and wanted company to give me a call. He texted me saying "i'm not really up for it tonight. sorry." I was super sad, but I say "okay. have a good night." he says "dido."

 

Sat. I dont hear from him all day. I was hoping he'd call and say he got off work early and he could go to the wedding with me. He doesn't. I sent him a message at 6 saying "maybe I can c u later tonight?" he said "?" I said " i'll call you when i'm done here." he said ok. So ic all him 8ish, he doesn't answer, I leave a message, he doesn't call back.

 

what did I do? I feel like he is ignoring me. Or like I did something terribly wrong to turn him off. Am I smothering him? What do I do? I really need help cause I'm freaking out, I'm very upset, and I'm afraid to call him cause i dont want to push him away further if I am bothering him. Please help.

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maybe he just didn't want to go to the wedding. it sounds like he wasn't really that enthused about it, and chances are, he probably wouldn't know anyone there. I'm not a huge fan of weddings myself.

 

it sounds like he is stressed at work. i'd say, just back off for a little while, let things calm down, I'm sure he'll contact you when he gets more work done.

 

hang in there!

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He's the boss. It's his company. I know he's been overworked. He's been working for 8-11:30pm almost everynight. Do I wait for him to call me? I'm afraid if i send him a text, that I might be pushing him away further.

 

I just feel so rejected that he didn't want to see me friday night, and now saturday night, he didn't even answer me call or call me back. There is the possibility he was sleeping or whatever, but still. I didn't get one minute of sleep. I've been trying to figure out if I did something wrong.

 

would you send me a text this morning? or just lay low for a while?

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Am I totally overre-acting? I mean he did "respond" to my text messages yesterday, maybe he did go to bed. maybe he went out with some other friends. I just wish I wasn't bothered by the fact that he didn't call.

 

Maybe I should just let him be, and have him call me when he's ready? that way maybe he can wonder what I'm up to and why I'm not calling him?

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With all the hype over "keeping it real" and not playing games it's hard to decipher what to do. The facts are sometimes you have to play a bit of a game.

 

In this case maybe a short text like, "Wedding was a blast! We had so much fun. I can tell you've been really busy. Ring me if you like when things calm down..." etc. The point is to make it light and relaxed.

 

See, no one likes to feel responsible for someone elses feelings. Letting him know that you're happy on your own will only make you more attractive. So even though you're DYING inside and your mind keeps taking off on it's own, resist the urge to contact him. Wait for him to contact you!

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How come it's sooo much easier to be objective when reading other people's posts??

As I was reading Roxy, my thoughts were that he's stressed at work (since this all went down between mon-fri and work's not running so smooth) and this wedding was just one more commitment on his plate that he probably wasn't looking forward to. Or at least could think of several other ways he'd rather spend his free time.

I wouldn't assume just yet that you've done or said anything wrong. Maybe just give it another day or 2 before calling or text. Maybe something like if you haven't heard anything today...send a quick g'morning, hope you have a terrific day at work email or something. So you've let him know you were thinking about him, but not asking for anything. No pressure.

But honestly... I doubt very much that you have done anything wrong.

 

Just on side note, it was a little inconsiderate not to let you know he was not going to the wedding.

 

Hang in there girl!

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Letting him know that you're happy on your own will only make you more attractive.

 

I agree with tastelife on that one completely! And right now he probably needs that from you...otherwise it's one more task he has to manage...and you already know he has enough on his plate.

 

Just be that soft place for him to land for a while. You'll see...things will smooth out.

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My view - from a personal perspective. Reliability is a top priority in my friendships and relationships. I have an extremely demanding job and so do most of my friends and the men I have dated/been in relationships with. When I started dating men with demanding jobs it was over 15 years ago- there were no cell phones, IMs, texts, etc- there was just the phone and answering machines. It didn't make a difference. Reliable people made absolutely sure they would keep you posted as to what was going on with the plans unless it was a true emergency (and I can count the number of times on one hand that happened to me).

 

On the other hand, you were not clear with him about what you wanted and I wonder why - why not be direct and ask him to go to the wedding instead of being roundabout/wishy washy? That's a bit of a game too, right?

 

Having said that, he sounds unreliable. His work is no excuse - obviously he knows how to be reliable at work or he wouldn't have a stable business. Your decision is whether you accept that about him and remember it won't get better unless he is motivated to change. I usually give a new boyfriend a few chances if he is unreliable. Then, that's it - I cut him loose. My time is too valuable to make plans that are cancelled at the last minute or blown off unless it is an emergency, or due to illness of some kind, etc. Of course, advance notice usually is just fine so that my time is respected and I can make other plans or if the plans are tentative in the first place that's usually fine too. I have not had a problem adhering to these standards and in fact I think I am respected more by people - including boyfriends - because of it.

 

It's very nice that you want to help him in his business and make dinner for his colleagues. Sounds like he is not reciprocating and believes that he can not respond to your calls or blow you off and you will still be there for him. Is that what you want? I hope not. Good luck.

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Batya, is giving you some sound food for thought.. think this through, let HIM make the "effort" to have you in his life, otherwise you are building this relationship on quicksand, it will fall through... so take care of YOU. He should have directly told you he was not wanting to go to the wedding, it's very immature, after all am I not clear, I thought you asked him and he said "yes".. what the hell happened? And why did you choose to "pretend" you didn't know if he was going to the wedding after you asked him and he said "yes?" Respect yourself, take care of you, have standards/values that you want to live within for yourself and any relationship you enter in to... this sounds like "HE"S the prize.. he's not, you both are, but only if you are honest, trusting, and building a relationship on two happy independent people who respect and care about each other enough to be "clear" on saying "yes" to attending an event together... you deserve a respectful dependable guy... anything less, is LESS..

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We are all stressed out. I truly believe that stressed out or too busy is just an excuse people use. Funny how most everyone manages to find the time to do things they really want to do!

 

He probably didn't want to go to a wedding. Weddings are boring. It would have been better to just say he didn't want to go instead of standing you up.

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SarahRose is so right. He did stand you up, but you had a part in it.. you asked him if he "WAS going".. when he already said "yes". Perhaps you're own personal insecurity wanted to give him an "out". Try not to do this again in any relationship, if you are more direct and clear as to where you stand you are more attractive to the "right" kind of guy. Hang in there, and take care of YOU.

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Well I decided I didn't do anything wrong. So I sent him a text this morning saying "happy sunday" and he wrote back the same. I asked what he was up to today he said he didn't know. Asked if he wanted to hang out. He said he didn't know what he wanted to do today. I feel like poop. He doesn't know if he wants to spend time with his lady?

 

I dont know what to do here. I think my best bet is back off. No more texting him. No more calling him. He has always been the one to call, one to text, one to ask me out until recently when work got crazy. I just feel ridiculous that he didn't even know if he wanted to see me or not today.

 

Any suggestions. Unfortunately, my schedule is crazy for the next two weeks and truly do not have a free day/night, which is why I was hoping to see him today. But I guess he's not that interested in hanging out with me, right? Do you think he's losing interest? Taking my presense for granted? What am I to do?

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When in doubt, do NOTHING. let this go for now. Most men want to be with a woman when it's thier idea to do so, when they have to make the "effort". You are doing all the work here, and it's NOT good for YOU, and it him making a choice to say "I don't know what I'm doing today"..ugh..yuk, don't take it personally, he's just not the type of man who has the courage to be blunt with you and say, "you know, I'm not sure about us, I need some time".

 

but instead he's a coward, it's easier to just be lazy, let it happen, you'll be "there" anyway, and why should he have to be a mature, responsible guy and have the decency to tell you where he stands, not that you're giving him any chance to think... let him go just for today... No more contact until he calls you, okay? Can you do this?

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The truth is that people are always where they want to be - both men and women will move oceans and mountains to be somewhere with someone if they truly want to...

 

- when it doesn't happen that way then in my book its all fog and feeble excuses, unless they really have a truly good reason such as illness.

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So you think he's not interested in me anymore? How can I go from having the most amazing day/night with him Sunday... a great night Tuesday (eventhough we were working). the way he looks at me and talked to me.... to him totally not wanting to be with me now?

 

I'm confused.

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it's so hard to be cool when I don't understand what's going on with him. I feel left out. I dont know if it's cause he's super busy at work, maybe he went to work today afterall, which is why he still hasn't called to hang out. I have no clue.

 

My brother said sometimes when a guy likes a girl a lot, he backs off. Trys to regain his cool. Do you think that during the week he felt something MORE and kinda freaked him out, now he's backing off, trying to regain his independence or self worth. trying to push back those feelings/thoughts some?

 

I dont buy that. If you like someone, you want to spend time with them. He hasn't been wanting to spend time with me all of a sudden and I dont understand why.

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I am in a similar situation as per another thread - the desperate need for clarity. But in the end emotionally charged neediness - thats what it will come accross to him - is a huge turn off. The strength we all have is in our cool handling of situations. Your brother has a point to a degree - its all the ebb and flow between two people. There is almost certainly a reason as you say, and you will find out in the short term but patience and a cool head is needed at this point. Men love cool women, believe me!

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from reading your original post only... don't call - if he's interested he'll call you. guys do things they don't love to do with girls they want to be with - not calling, texting, leaving messages... will make you be that girl. what you need to decide, is he worthy of you?

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Well I'm not going to ask any questions of him. I'm gonna go back to doing my own thing... not really worrying about him. My life is crazy busy again and fitting him in is gonna be a chore. So maybe that's a good thing which will let me let HIM do the pursuing.

 

I just still feel weird that all of a sudden he doesn't seem to have time for me. My one friend says its cause "someone" else has come into the picture, that his attention is focused on someone else now.

 

whatever the case. I'm not calling. not texting. If he calls today, I'm busy. And unfortunately he won't be seeing me for a week or so. I hope he hasn't met someone else, but there is always that possibility.

 

Any tips?

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like all basic marketing methods - create the need and the desire then occasionally remove it to create his need for more. This applies on both sides. We all want what we can't quite have. Calling him removes his need to call you, touching him removes is need to touch you first. Increase his desire by being hard to get - you have already created the desire. If in the end it doesn't work and he doesn't want you - you seriously had a lucky escape.

 

On this occasion you are craving and needing him due to him withdrawing. Remember that it works both ways.

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