Help? What went wrong so fast?

[annie24]

I DO NOT want to be wifey. EWWWW. I never thought that I was being wifey by bringing them dinner. I thought I was being a RAD girlfriend cause they bust their butts all night long, so I thought by bringing them dinner, I was getting brownie points, cause I saved them from having to break from work to go get it (since they weren't gonna get done till midnight).

 

So no more dinners for them. I didn't know inviting someone to a wedding was a big deal. I hate weddings and that it would be more fun if he was with me. I had NO idea that was a bad move. Oooops.

 

How do I redeem myself them? No more dinners. No more calls until he calls. No mention of getting upset. No mention of me thinking he sucked all day. What else do I need to do better?

 

LOL - if you hate weddings, why make him go through one also? like someone else mentioned, if he is so busy these days, I bet he would more enjoy an afternoon at home with the TV.

 

just chill out. you know, they can procure their own food There are plenty of pizza delivery and chinese places they can order from. you don't want them equating you with the chinese food delivery guy!

 

not saying you can't do something nice every once in a while, but if you do this from the outset, he will not appreciate it as much. you become more like his mother than his gf.

 

A good book to read is "Why men love (witches)" by Sherry Agrov. (where witch is substituted for a word that rhymes with it.) the book is not perfect, but it may help you if you are too quick to please.

 

don't you have any female friends that couldn't care less about guys, don't bring them dinner EVER, and those guys are all over them? because they are a challenge, and they act like a prize. And then when a girl like me brings over dinner, they're like, "uh, thanks". Being too nice doesn't always give you desired results.

[roxy79]

I'm not "applying" for this position. I just dont want to do the wrong things. Which inviting him to the wedding was apparently not a good choice on my part.

 

I see bringing them dinner as a nice jesture, but you guys see it as me being too wife like. I want to avoid this type of stuff cause I do want to do this right with him. He and I seem like a great match and everything has been RAD up until, like I said, this confusion of a weekend.

[annie24]

Blender--

Yes... he had to pass many "tests" within my own standards before I was intimate with him. And he passed them all with flying colors. And he knew coming into this that I am a strong woman and dont put up with BS which is another reason why he was attracted to me. I waited a month before we became initmate.. which may not seem long to some, but we spent almost everyday together in some form.. and it felt right and he has respected me and treated me greatly. (up until this little mishap of confusion this weekend.).

 

I think you let him pass your tests too quickly.

 

for example, you say that you have let him pass, but now you are freaking out because he isn't calling you or hanging out with you this weekend.

 

You gave him a job, and he hasn't shown up for work! think of it in that way.

 

maybe try extending your 'testing' period for a longer time. Maybe he should not pass your test until he proposes to you.

[roxy79]

Well obviously he hasn't passed every test and I am definetly dating with my guard up for the fear of getting hurt (cause I was devistated by a guy 3 years ago). He is the first guy I've been serious about since then. Don't get my wrong, I have dated more than enough since then, which is why I got alllll excited after our first date.

 

I have MORE tests for him as well...but I think you are right. I'm gonna go back to being his "friend" and let him try to impress me cause at the moment, I'm not so impressed. So maybe if I back off some, go back to that "beginnign" stage unstead of getting so comfortable, maybe he won't take me for granted... which is what he just may be doing.

 

Maybe he thinks he has me all wrapped up and he doesn't need to do anything, cause I will "like" him no matter what... which totally isn't the case. I have been utterly turned off by this whole weekends events... but I dont want it to ruin everything.

[annie24]

exactly. take a step back. let him call you and wonder how you are doing. good - going to the gym, see other friends, make other plans.

 

do you have any really witchy friends? and seen guys throw themselves at them? Like, I had one friend, she was sick. so, she called her boyfriend at midnight and asked him to bring over a soup. he came over at 12:45 AM, and when he gave it to her, she said, "WRONG SOUP!" and sent him back to the store. he got back at 1:30 AM, with the right soup.

 

Now, I think that she was acting awfully extreme, but the thing is, he adored her. she valued herself, and knew that a man worthy of her would make sure to pay attention to her and dote on her and spend time on her.

 

You don't have to be so extreme as to make him get you soup in the middle of the night and send him back when the soup isn't the right one, but maybe don't be so accomodating to him either? like you would for any one of your friends.

 

For example, if your female friend was stuck at the office late, would you bring her dinner? maybe once in a while, like 1 time every 6 months. otherwise, you'd tell her the number of a great delivery place and let her find food on her own.

[roxy79]

You are totally right. And I think I just started to get waaaay to comfortable with the fact that I can tell he does adore me and his friends say so! Which is why I was caught off guard by this whole weekend. I figure if he adored me sooooooo much, then why in the world is he backing off and ignoring me and not wanting to see me?? (Which is still the big question).

 

I will do my own thing and let him wonder what I'm doing. Unfortunately for him, my life is about to get more crazy... just like it was when he first met me. I didn't have time to call or text him everyday. I didn't have time to go see him. Aug. was just kinda a dull dry month for me. Maybe once my life picks up to speed again, which will make it even with his crazy life, he'll start to appreciate me more and the time we DO get to spend with each other.

 

He knows I'm a rare breed. He's told his bf that "girls like her don't come around often, only once in a blue mood, so I gotta do everything I can to not mess it up. Gotta keep them around and hold onto them." Now why would he say those things, then all of a sudden not like me? There's no way he could be sooo into me wed. and then thursday. off. right?

[annie24]

yeah, men do that sometimes, back off after a period of closeness. some people believe in the mars and venus view of things, which is that men are like rubber bands, need to pull away once in a while before they can get close again. Or that men need to enter their caves once in a while, and that the wise cavewoman does not peek in and ask how he is doing, rather, she just goes about her own thing until the caveman comes finding her again

 

so, now september is coming up, you will be busier, so that is good. he may value you more if you're not there to always hang out.

[roxy79]

But gosh. Isn't it going to be ODD if I don't really hear from him this week and uhmm... the four of us are suppose to be going on a weekend trip together? I'm sure he'll text me tomorrow morning or something (well I hope he does). I'm not expecting a call tonight. There's no way he'd do that to me... especially if my best friend is dating his best friend, and all of us are suppose to go out there together.

 

She thinks he's just stressed and doesn't want to deal with anything right now. Maybe he just wanted to sit around and do nothing and not entertain anyone? It's just my insecurities and wounded ego talking when I'm freaked that he hasn't called or hasn't wanted to see me. Wish I could shake it.

[annie24]

well, if you have a trip coming up, I'm sure you will hear from him soon. I agree with your friend, he is probably just stressed and doesn't want to deal with anyone right now. so, you need to stop stressing! just relax, when he is ready to come out of his cave, he will.

[roxy79]

K so I can't get this thought out of my head: that he took his boat out to the lake with his buddies and friends, and didn't invite. I've been invited to go on the boat (its brand new) ever since he got it. I even drove the 4 hrs to buy it with him. I dont know what it's in my head, probably cause its a perfect California day.

 

But if he did go out, I'm going to be devistated, especially since I said if he wanted to hang out I knew of some stuff we could do.

 

I hope everyone is right... that's just in a bad mood and being moody and doesn't want to deal with anyone/thing. Just the longer I go without hearing from him, the bigger the pit in my stomach gets.

[annie24]

ok. STOP IT RIGHT NOW! no more freaking out.

 

maybe he just wanted a guy's afternoon. don't you ever want to be with just the girls?

 

if you are always there for him, always worrying about him, he will take you for granted.

 

just leave it alone.

 

go back, re-read the threads. i really think that you have let him win you over too quickly, and now you are flipping out because you are not secure in your relationship (because you let him win you over too quickly!)

[roxy79]

You are right about that. I did let him get to me quickly. Only because I have seemed to only attracted morons in the past few years and this guy is actually worthy of who I deem acceptable in my life.

 

You're right though. no more worrying. who cares if he went out on the boat without me right? Doesn't matter. i guess if things are coming to end between us, he still has to contact me caues he has tons of my computer stuff (cause he stuff got stolen at work), some of my clothes and my cooler. ugggggh.

 

I just wish he'd call. at what point do I start "reallly" worry? Maybe he considers our texting as "talking" thereforeee bascially we talked this morning. I just feel like a Jack * * * * cause he didn't want to hang out with me today. Makes me feel very low on his list of priorities. Then again, if he was working all day... then gosh, don't I feel like a jerk?

[annie24]

You don't worry. let's say he calls you and breaks up with you, or he doesn't ever call you ever again.

 

you don't worry. you say, "oh well, his loss, i am fabulous, and he is missing out on a fabulous woman." and you pick yourself up and move on.

[roxy79]

Waaay waaay easier said that done. There is no way he could go from lovin' on me tuesday and wednesday...even thurs afternoon, to wanting to call it off with me. I didn't do anything friday or saturday to make him want to do that. I just wish I knew what was going on with him. That's all. If I just had a slight bit of info as to why he hasn't really been responding to me these two days, then I could breathe easy.

 

Maybe he didn't want to reject me twice or 3 times basically. but him not calling me today is worse than just telling me he'd rather not do anything. I guess I'm just still taken back by the "i dont knwo what I want to do today" comment. made me feel like a a big pile of do do. ya know?

[annie24]

If I just had a slight bit of info as to why he hasn't really been responding to me these two days, then I could breathe easy.

 

I think we have all given you a good piece of info. he is stressed at work, needs a breather, probably wants to do his own thing this weekend, instead of feeling like he is accountable to someone else. that is probably why he hasn't been responding.

[roxy79]

True. You ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL have been incredibly helpful. Had you guys not responded to my plea for help, I'm sure I would have called him 20 + times by now!!! (LOL).

 

I'm just going to be the strong woman I am and not worry about it anymore. I can't do anything about it other than pick up my confidence in myself and the whole situation and tell myself that he would be an idiot to want to get rid of me and he knows that.

 

He knows I'm worthy of his time and he is worthy of my time and he derserves a break from life sometimes too. I want to be confident that he does like who I am and does want to be with me and just because I haven't heard from him today, doesn't mean jack.

 

he is a better person than to blow me off and I'm sure he's not blowing me off. I need to have a better self image and tell myself that all the signs are there that this dude likes me... just because he sliped away for 2 days doesn't mean he doens't care for me or like me any less. right?

[annie24]

right. now, go out to borders and buy "why men love (witches)" and flip through the venus and mars books. it will maybe re-enforce why you should not be flipping out, and reading the books will get your mind off of calling him for a while

[roxy79]

I have both those books in addition to about 15 other books too. I will pull them out tonight and re-read them, hopefully to reassure myself that things are just A-O-K.

[blender]

Roxy, so sorry you are feeling this way, just try to breathe and let go.. I too was so infatuated with what I was "hoping and planning" with a guy, sometimes our minds get waaaay ahead of where the actual relationship is.. so take it easy, give yourself a break, if he doesn't call, Do NOT call him...and try not to discuss him too much with anyone who might REPEAT it to HIM... okay? Just one day at a time, easy does it, you'll be okay, he will call you, but in his time, not yours, for today, just try to give yourself some credit for being a great girlfriend and let him do some discovering of this on his own... hang in there, Blender... P.S. I just want you to know that if you like bringing someone dinner, or asking them to a wedding it's NOT wrong, it's YOU, and that's PERFECT just the way it is and when the guy is the "right" guy these little things don't turn him off...

[chigal28]

Had to chime in my 2 cents after reading this thread... I normally don't buy into the whole Mars-Venus thingie, but the "rubber-band" theory put forth in the books seems to apply to a lot of scenarios.

 

It says that men are like rubber bands, and women are like waves. A woman and a man date for a little while...things are going really well, the man does and says all the right things, the woman is suitably impressed, etc. Then, seemingly without warning, the man pulls away...focuses on his work, other interests, friends, etc. This is him, acting like a rubber band, getting closer and closer and then--boom!--springing away for a while.

 

Then the "Mars Venus Dating" book says that the key is how the woman responds. If she chases after him--which is what the book calls "eating the rubber band," she doesn't let things follow their normal cycle. If she relaxes, devotes herself to other people and interests in her life and generally acts like the kick-*** girl she knew she was before she met this guy--well, then he will often "spring back" and be stronger than ever. The books stress the fact that--and while I'm all into equality in relationships as much as the nexst person, I BELIEVE this point--that men should be the ones, at least generally speaking, to make the effort. To plan dates, call more often, make us feel cherished, etc. That WE are the prize, and they are the ones who want to put forth the effort to maintain it. When you relax and let this happen, it feels good!

 

I guess the point is that some relationships, especially when you've been dating them for a couple months, can go through a period of uncertainty where both parties are looking at--hey, this seems really good. Is this someone I see myself with long-term? And if you can play it cool, and BE THE PERSON that you were when they noticed how cool you were, and not change into a needy version of yourself (I HAVE done this, uncountable times!) then the odds are much better that they will emerge from this time and say--hey, yes. This is something I can see working long-term...let's go back and invest more time in this.

 

I hope this makes some sense...just going with past experience and things I've read. Good luck!!!! And remember....you are awesome, no matter what. You have you, and from your posts, it seems you do realize how great that is.

 

Relax, be receptive to what he offers, NOTICE what it is that he brings to the table, and decide whether it is what you want.

[roxy79]

So you think by me not calling him and giving him space, that my odds of things going back to the way there were are better?

 

I still have not heard from him. I'm exhausted from trying to figure out what possibly coudl be going through his head. I've proposed almost every theory, and this is the one, I guess, that I'm hoping it is. that he just needed a little break, he's pulling away, doing some thinking, and that I've done all the right things here... haven't called him anymore today. (when I know for a fact i would have called a few times or texted him a few times too.)

 

At what point is that rubber band going to come back?

[roxy79]

Update!

He called me last night. We talked for an hour. You'd think I'd be more happy right? No. I asked him what he did all day. He said he slept for a logn time, went to breakfast with some friends, TOOK THE BOAT out for the rest of the day and bbq'd when they got back, and now he's calling me. 10:30pm.

 

Why in the heck didn't he call me to go out on the boat with them when he knew I didn't have much to do since I had already suggested that the two of us hang out? I'm hurt by this. I really cannot believe he didn't call me to go, when it seems as though everyone else on the boat brought their girl. I understand he's aloud to do stuff without me but the fact of the matter was I had already asked if we could hang out... so basically he didn't want to see me and would rather hang out with his buddies friends and girlfriends than have me come along too.

 

Also... they all went out Saturday night, which is why he never called me back or answered my call saturday night.

 

I'm sorry. Maybe I should be more happy but I'm not. Maybe he needed a break from Marcie but still. Stings more than I thought it would.

Any thoughts?

[felix]

Actions speak louder than words don't they - when you suspect something you are probably right. I'd be annoyed too on this occasion. I guess in the early days of any relationship there are moments like this which are very testing but my view of things is that if someone wants to be with you, they will try their very best and if they don't want to be, thats tells me everything i needed to know. I am sorry he has done this. Men will sometimes distance themselves to find out how they are feeling about someone, to give themselves space to feel what it is like if that person is not there- if they miss them then they know that she is the one for them...

[Momene]

Give it a while for his work to calm down. If it doesn't improve after 3/4 weeks, he isn't that in to you.

[allzwell]

maybe he is just trying to see how you will react???