A case of instant attraction...

[Miss M]

I'm not sure if the is the right place to put this. A guy did some heavy-duty flirting with me yesterday, and I smiled real pretty, and talked nicely to him, 'cause yeah, he was handsome, charming, and I was flattered. But all I could think of was every single guy who's ever been that gorgeous, charming, and aggressive... every guy I've ever immediately liked... every guy who has immediately liked me... has also been a creep. (And I truly hope that doesn't insult any "secret admirers" out there who have yet to confess. Anyways, I can literally walk past hundreds of guys and not feel any attraction at all, but I found this guy very appealing. Right off the bat he had a lot of physical attributes that usually make me look twice and thrice... and he also had an engaging personality, fun and funny, charismatic. But I didn't trust my radar because it has always, always, always, always, always, always misled me. It's gotten so that I literally don't trust guys who like me that much at first sight. It's sorta like "Oh, so you like me? Well, that obviously means you've got some deep emotional problems." And I also don't trust myself to choose the right one when that heady attraction is happening. Yeah I might be swooning, blushing and giggling, but I've figured out that I'm also not thinking with a clear head at those times. But the alternative would be to scope out the guys who don't appeal to me, and that doesn't make any sense either. [Grrr]

 

And yesterday I felt exactly like that type of person who says, "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member"... yeah, self-defeating. But it's the bad relationships of the past that have created this maddening cynicism.

 

This is weird and sooo frustrating because I've been single for years, haven't dated for years. Yeah, I should be going on dates... or something.

 

[this is just a frustrated rant ](*,)... ]

[melrich]

Well you are not planning to marry the guy in the next week or two are you?

 

Go on a date with him, it's a minor investment.

[Relationship Coach]

You should be dating, at least give yourself some opportunities to have a good date so you can disprove your theories. Not dating is just a way to be right about your theories without further need of validation.

 

RC

[Lily04]

lol, I agree. I tend to overanalyze things as well. girl, you got a great thing happening! it may not be true love, or marriage material, who knows. BUT you're happy, that's important. You met an attractive, interesting guy. Why not give him a chance, even if you are a bit wary and just go for a bite somewhere? it won't hurt... you already know the guy seems relatively attractive to you. I know firsthand it can be really hard to trust people, but... i've learned to be more open-minded about things and it's really helped. judging too soon was my problem and i think you may be doing the same since you've been hurt in the past by guys who you've really fallen for. I'd suggest going with your gut instinct here and letting it lead the way.

 

Good luck & let us know how it goes!

 

Lily

[Kyoshiro Ogari]

No Miss M. Don't do out with him. Let the next girl take a chance. I'm sure she'll be miserable or happy, who knows. The pain of love is too much for us to take a chance. We were all meant to be alone. Why do you think they made 238 versions of online solitaire for our lonely butts.

 

Oh just go out with him already!!! And if you have indeed let that ship sail into the night, jump on the next boat.At least it'll have shuffleboard.

 

Unless solitaire is your passion.

[Miss M]

Well, all of you, rooting for me, cheering me on, haha, that gave me an unexpected smile and a laugh, so thanks a lot for that. (And wow, that pouty little rant sure didn't last long at all, hehe.)

 

I've just typically been a magnet for the cleverly disguised loser who can fake it for a few weeks. My radar is truly skewed, with horrible blind spots. I'm very terrible at picking the good guys. And yeah, those first dates are always nice, very lovely, even the first few weeks and months. It's the stuff that tumbles out after I'm hooked that scares me. That fun "attraction" yesterday also just brought back such an avalanche of bad memories.

 

And RC, my not dating hasn't been a way to prove a theory, nor my way of trying to be right. How in the world did you come up with that? It's been a time to heal some very severe emotional wounds, debilitating social anxiety and neuroses. Yeah, after getting kicked around, I've been in really bad shape, and not good date material anyway.

 

And Lily, yeah, I analyze these things a lot now, but I didn't used to. Yes, I used to give guys the benefit of the doubt. I used to go on dates. I used to trust (TOO much). I certainly used to be open-minded (TOO much of that too). And yes, I used to give my all. I just have this pattern of routinely attracting (and being attracted to) those types of jerks who are wonderful on a first date, and they also tend to put on a really good show for the first few months. I'd just like to not do that anymore.

 

But really some of it boils down to the fact that I still don't trust myself to choose well. I don't trust myself to pick the right guy (not even for a first date). And I think my emotional issues and blind spots that caused me to be attracted to the cleverly disguised losers still might trip me up. But I also think I REALLY need to follow the advice of keeping it "light"... i.e. coffee, a light snack. Yep, I usually fall much too fast and too hard.

 

And Lily, he works at a store on the other side of town that I usually don't shop at, so unless I decide to make a very "special" effort, I probably won't see him again. The flirting was fun, but I don't feel inclined to go back just to look for him. I might eventually date, but hopefully it'll be when I'm beyond the white-knuckled panic stage. And I'll be sure to let you know if I happen upon someone interesting. In the meantime, at least it's good to know I haven't forgotten how to feel these feelings, and also I haven't forgotten how to flirt, yay! \\

 

And KO, wow, no matter what BS you're spouting, I do always love reading your posts. Thanks for the laughs. Also, a guy like the one I met isn't ever lacking a date. He had that kind of confident aggressive/outgoing/smooth style that would cause him to have all the women in the room while the other guys had none at all. Yep, I'm also sure some woman was right in line behind me.

 

But KO, as far as dating and love, I'm still different from you in that I've taken many, many chances at love before pulling up the welcome sign, so you've still got quite a ways to go to catch up to me.

 

Thanks all for the encouragement. Your "happy" thoughts are very appreciated.

[Relationship Coach]

And RC, my not dating hasn't been a way to prove a theory, nor my way of trying to be right. How in the world did you come up with that? It's been a time to heal some very severe emotional wounds, debilitating social anxiety and neuroses. Yeah, after getting kicked around, I've been in really bad shape, and not good date material anyway.

 

 

That was sarcasm MissM, I remember you well from last year before school started, remember I grew up in Mo and went to Mizzou?

 

RC

[Miss M]

Oh sarcasm, sorry... geez, sometimes it's hard to tell.

 

Yeah, I forgot all about our "meeting" last year. (Darn it, gotta shake the dustbunnies outta the brain again.)

 

Hey RC, you're far, far away now, but we're still just like homies.

[Relationship Coach]

show me homie! Look, you've had some bad relationships, most of us have but you need to get back out there. You're a good person and someone deserves you!RC

[Lily04]

hey RC. I miss talking with you as well. How are you doing lately? Give me a PM when you get a chance.

 

Miss M I'm happy to hear that you realize your self-doubts & are going to give yourself a chance to trust yourself again... I think that's important. We all make mistakes in life but we learn to move beyond them, learn from them and still learn to love. It's up to you if you want to meet this guy again... if you are genuinely attracted to him, it can't hurt to go rent a movie and ask for his opinion can it? lol. it's up to you though... just don't be scared to take chances is all i'm saying. you sound like an interesting person, i'm sure lots of guys are attracted to you, you may not even know it.

 

take care,

 

Lily

[Miss M]

if you are genuinely attracted to him, it can't hurt to go rent a movie and ask for his opinion can it? lol.

OMG Lily, I really had to LOL at that. ... yes, I have this VERY remarkable natural ability to get men to tell me their opinions, even when I don't want them. LOL Wow, I wish I could figure out how to stop doing that. Now, when I find the kind of guy who is just as interested in MY opinion as he is in HIS, I might perk up real quick.

 

But another funny thing happened today and it seems somewhat related to this topic (ha! am I on a roll? Okay, another guy approached me today, but it was totally different. He seemed to be just being friendly, no romantic sparks were flying, but he was very clearly reaching out in friendship. I was alone in the park, and he called out to me from a distance, (50 ft?) to say hello, to gauge my response to that. He approached gradually as he seemed to carefully and thoughtfully read my cues as to whether I accepted him. He seemed very prepared to back off if I gave any indication of being wary. And from his gradual manner I was able to take the time I also needed to assess him, to decide yea or nay. I guess it felt as if my own acceptance of him was something that mattered to him, that he was respectful of that, and that made a big impression on me. And I got the feeling he would immediately back off if I gave even a small clue that I wasn't open to being approached. Well, he and I ended up talking (at close range) for about 30 minutes exchanging lots of bits of small-talk about the weather, parks, scenery, old clunker cars (like mine). But the real purpose of that small-talk was to tentatively scope each other out, to gauge the first small clues of each other's personalities. I really liked his way of approaching because it showed respect and thoughtfulness. No matter how charming, the aggressive guys really set off my inner sirens, probably because they are ultimately very self-serving. This second guy was much more acceptable to me, and I was relaxed, open, with no subsequent panic.

 

Just before he left he paid me a few very sweet compliments, letting me know he really liked our talk and also my personality. And I had a warm smile stuck on my face for the rest of the day. Seems like I just had a little peek of a missing piece of the puzzle, and that is that a guy can show a very clear interest, have a respectful approach, without being overly aggressive. No, I didn't feel any small embers of romantic sparks at all, but if I had, I would definitely have been very open to joining him for a coffee. We parted saying we'd each keep an eye out for each other again whenever we're in that same park (I'm there a lot). So yeah, I feel more encouraged now. I guess I just needed a real-life demonstration from a real gentle-man of how it's all suppose to happen.

[Lily04]

Hey Miss M,

 

That's a nice story... ironically enough, I tend to be attracted to arrogant guys as well, I think that's what drew me to this post actually... lol. It sucks in a way, but that's where the real chemistry/romantic tension lies... maybe because I am a bit arrogant as well, in some ways, I don't know. But in any case, things usually never end up happening with those guys... I went out with one about 2 weeks ago, and he tried to have sex with me on the 2nd date, I wasn't ready for that & left and he never called me back. He was also too arrogant for me and I blocked him from MSN and never contacted him myself. But there was a strong physical and sexual attraction there.

 

On the other hand, I met a *really* sweet guy around the same time... he's a very nice professor, decently handsome, smart and not nearly as arrogant as the other doctor i went out with. SO I like that. But I'm considering whether to continue this... he is very much into me and so considerate and always wants to talk with me, and obviously really respects me so a nice contrast. But then as you said, "No, I didn't feel any small embers of romantic sparks at all, but if I had, I would definitely have been very open to joining him for a coffee." I'm not sure if I feel romantic sparks. On our first date I didn't. But as I'm getting to know him better, I am starting to feel some attraction to him because of his gentle personality & intelligence... but it's not the same sexual tension as I usually felt with the arrogant guys.

 

So I have the same dilemma as yourself... you're usually attracted to arrogant guys but when a genuinely nice man comes along, why not give him a chance? Even if you don't feel romantic sparks yet, would going out for coffee really hurt? Maybe you'll get to know him better & instead of instant sparks a gentle fire starts aflame... you know what I mean? Chemistry can take some time I think... depending on the guy. The reason I didn't feel an instant attraction to him is because he's not the typical very attractive, intelligent (and usually arrogant) guy I'm attracted to, but at the same time those type of guys tend to leave you hurt because of their arrogance... I'm starting to give nice guys more of a chance. What do you think... maybe you're just not looking for the right type of guys? I'd suggest being open to meeting new people... and when they come along, don't hesitate to getting to know them better, as you did & perhaps exchanging some numbers.

 

Just my 2 cents. =)

 

Lily

[Miss M]

That's a nice story... ironically enough, I tend to be attracted to arrogant guys as well,

Hey Lily, I'm not really attracted to arrogant guys, and that's pretty obvious right off the bat when a guy meets me because I'm easy to read. I've known for a long time that the arrogant ones are not relationship material. One of my problems has been the guys who have some unsuitable qualities but who've learned how to cleverly cover it up. Somehow they quickly figure out what I want and then spoon-feed it to me. So they're outgoing, attentive, seemingly balanced, also perfect gentlemen. But behind the facade they're hiding something they don't want me to see. It inevitably tumbles out later after I'm emotionally invested and hooked.

 

But I still think there must be a subtle clues right up front that will tell me the difference between the real and the fakes. The guy I met the first time was very appealing, did everything right, but just seemed a tad too bold. Something I couldn't pin down set off my inner warning signal. The second guy was nice, but he also gave all kinds of clues that he was already in a relationship. I don't know if it's a midwestern thing, but it's very common in this city that a total stranger will start a warm conversation with another total stranger with no purpose except just to have a conversation, make a connection. People like that feel as if they've struck gold when they make a good connection. That's what this second guy seemed to be doing, just making a connection.

 

Sorry about your bad experience with arrogant guys. I think the solution might be to look at what it is about you that likes the "tension" you mentioned. And I guess there are some guys who spend so much time working on creating that "tension" that they never figure out how to BE in a relationship.

 

On the other hand, I met a *really* sweet guy around the same time... he's a very nice professor, decently handsome, smart and not nearly as arrogant as the other doctor i went out with. SO I like that. But I'm considering whether to continue this... he is very much into me and so considerate and always wants to talk with me, and obviously really respects me so a nice contrast. But then as you said, "No, I didn't feel any small embers of romantic sparks at all...

Actually, a guy like that would be VERY appealing to me and I've dated quite a few quiet and nerdy guys. In fact my last real BF was a type of misfit, a dowdy professor-type, and he wasn't even handsome, but I was seriously stuck on him. It just didn't work out for other reasons, but yeah, I have always gravitated towards quieter, intelligent, considerate guys. But I really sometimes wonder if they don't/won't gravitate towards me. Lately I've been noticing guys who look at me showing an obvious interest, but when I look back, they turn away. They like to watch me when they think I'm not watching them. I used to think they weren't interested after all, but now I'm wondering if they're just shy or self-rejecting, or assuming I couldn't be interested. Anyways, at times like that I've been contemplating whether I should become more aggressive myself. I'm mostly an introvert, but occasionally I will display more of my extroverted side.

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Well you're right in that he is starting to grow on me (the nice, intelligent guy...) but similar to yourself I am a bit detached with him because I don't want to get too attached & then get hurt (as has happened in the past.) So when we're together I purposely will leave a bit of space between us, won't hold hands, or try to be too touchy-feely yet... I guess I'm just being a bit cautious... I think he may be dating other girls as well, as I remember 2 weeks ago he suggested watching a movie together at the theatres and I suggested seeing another movie instead... then he asked if I wanted to see a movie again this week and I asked about the first movie he suggested and he said he already saw it... so I wonder who with? haha. but at the same time, we aren't a couple and I am going on other dates as well next week, so I shouldn't expect any differently of him... but I suppose that's why I'm cautious as well. I don't want to get too attached if we're both seeing other people and he ultimately decides... I don't know. lol, i'm soo not used to being rejected I can't even finish that sentence it's so bad, lol...

 

Anyway, why do I tend to be attracted to arrogant guys? Because they're usually really confident, independent, and physically attractive... all qualities I like. But at the same time they don't show as much respect and tend to be players... so I'm going to try to stray from them... I don't think I need to date those type of people now, I like the nicer variety better.

 

Regarding the guy you met at the park, asking him for a coffee can't hurt... even if he has a girlfriend. A coffee is sorta middle-ground in my opinion in that you can go out for a coffee with friends or a date, so it can just be a way to get to know a person better to see if they'd make a good friend. He may be in a relationship, as your cues may be right, or he may not... maybe he's just a bit shy and hesitant to ask you out for that reason. Either way, just keep being open and I'm sure you'll meet someone. Taking initiative can be a good exercise, and I have done it in the past as well. =)

 

Lily

[Batya33]

It sounds like the problem here is that you equate instant attraction with a sign that you should move forward with the particular guy. I wouldn't give it as much weight as you do. Of course he could turn out to be a great guy, but just because you feel instant attraction doesn't change the fact that he's a total stranger. You have absolutely no idea what he is like on the inside, it's just that the initial chemistry makes you think you do. Following with that flawed premise - that instant attraction gives relevant information -- you are "disappointed" when the reality is inconsistent with your initial impression. Instead, if your mind set is "he seems attractive, we seem to have chemistry, and over the next 3-6 months I will learn whether he has qualities that are compatible with mine." That way there is nothing inconsistent - nothing to be disappointed about - because you will put your initial attraction in its proper place - an initial, hormonally-based attraction to a complete stranger.

 

On the other hand, while you shouldn't pursue people you are repelled by, you are discounting the "slow pot to boil" situations, where you feel no initial attraction but you are not repelled either. Definitely not as exciting or thrilling but if your goal is to connect with someone and you don't feel repelled, why not give that person a sincere chance to get to know you and then, if after 4 or 5 dates over at least a 4 week period you don't feel any spark, then move on. Ask yourself the hard question about whether what you are really attracted to is the rush, the thrill of instant attraction rather than really wanting a solid relationship which might start out slowly.

 

Your hormones might pick the guys who are not good for you but if you give Mr. Maybe a sincere chance, you might find that with your head involved in addition to hormones, you will make a more compatible choice.

[Miss M]

Batya, are you responding to me, or to Lily? I wasn't sure from reading your post.

[Carnatic]

Hey there... good to see you taking time out from helping others to ask for help yourself.

 

I don't see any reason not to trust your radar... it may have let you down in the past but it's still your radar, and it's the only thing you have for letting you find the right guy. It's like you said in an earlier post, that the alternative would be to go after guys you didn't find appealing... and we can all see how perverse that is. You say you don't like jerks, but it could simply be that one of the positive qualities you seek is sometimes part of the jerk persona (I see you mentioned a certain arrogance in your original post). You can't just stop going with your own gut feelings on who you find appealing though. It's like rolling a dice, and you need to get a six, and you aren't getting any, just ones and twos. So it's starts to seem you'll never get that six; do you stop rolling and set in stone that fact that you'll never get that six or do you keep going hoping that one day you'll get a six. Bad relationships do hurt but the alternative of not trying is even worse.

[Lily04]

Batya, I agree with your post (which I gather was to Miss M), and that's what I'm going to do. Often the guys I don't feel an 'instant attraction' to are the ones who are genuinely nice and relationship material... it may just take a bit more time for the attraction to develop. I suggested the same to Miss M as well in my last few posts, as I was in a similar situation...

 

Carnatic, my advice would be to not have a '6' or certain persona set in stone but just be open to meeting new people... you may typically be attracted to '6's but you never know... a 1 or 2 may be the type of person you may really like! I think you should try going on a few dates with someone and then see if you're compatible... sometimes that initial spark/attraction isn't the best screening.

[Miss M]

Well, if Batya's comments are for me, then some of what she's saying doesn't seem to describe what I've been saying. Of course, instant attraction is very compelling, but no, it doesn't ever make me automatically think I should move forward with a guy. I was saying that despite the instant attraction with the first guy, there was still the very strong feeling that something wasn't right. And now that Carnatic has joined this thread reminding me of our previous exchanges ( ) I think the first guy had lots of smooth charm, but also had shades of those "player" aspects. His jerkiness was very well camouflaged, but something definitely set off my warning system. And Batya, no I'm also not one to discount the "slow pot to boil," and if you made that conclusion from what I wrote, then you've misunderstood.

 

And Carnatic, I agree that my radar (even though somewhat unreliable) is a significantly important tool. Even though it's skewed, I still need to rely on it because it's the best tool I have. And hopefully using it properly will probably make it get better eventually.

 

And Lily, I actually think Carnatic's mention of rolling the dice was actually good advice (at least for me). I think he was trying to say that we each know what we want in a relationship, and when it doesn't show up, we shouldn't give up to settle for what we don't want. There are so many people who get involved with someone who is a mismatch because they don't go for someone's who's realistically compatible, but that's also not a good idea. I've realized my own "standards" have often been set too low, that I haven't been picky enough. I definitely know I need to raise the bar. I do actually think I need to disregard and discount some of the types I used to accept. But I guess someone else may have been passing over people they need to take look at more closely. It probably just depends on what will bring our lives (and relationships) into balance.

 

(And Carnatic, is that you in your avatar?

[Carnatic]

Thanks Miss M... yeah Lilly it wasn't the best of analogies, but I didn't mean the numbers 1-6 to be a scale of guys getting gradually more attractive, rather number 6 standing for the one nice guy who is right for Miss M out of 6 guys who she is instantly attracted to... I was trying to say that just because she keepes being attracted to guys who aren't right for her, she shouldn't discount the chance that one guy she will be attracted to in the future will be a 'six'

 

And Batya... I agree that instant attraction shouldn't be seen as the only way to find someone who is right for you, I think that depending on what situations you get into, it might be far and away the most common way of finding someone. For example... if you get into a lot of social situations where most of the people there you are meeting for the first time (such as a bar) then it is initial attraction that rules the day. You would be taking a risk entering into a relationship in the hope of it being a slow-burner when you didn't know the person beforehand because the chances of it turning out right would be even lower than with initial attraction. But if you get in situations where you are really getting to know people quite well (such as at work) then you can keep an eye out for this slow-burning attraction developing with one of your friends without the risk of entering a relationship with them first. being umemployed and living in a town with an almost non-existent societies scene, most of my situations are of the former type.

 

So Miss M, your radar will get better, even for each time you pick out a guy who is wrong for you... you'll then know for the next time.

 

(and yeah that is me in my avatar - see how bored I look, I have small-town blues)

[Miss M]

Well, I'm in a completely different mood today. And really, I probably shouldn't read too many "dating" threads on this board because I'm getting very pessimistic again. Reading threads where coollady, hosswhispra, and others are trying to date again is NOT encouraging. The reason I've not dated for all those years is because I'm just not at all interested in having that many encounters with Mr. Wrong, not even on a 1st or 2nd date, and 99.9999% of the guys out there are WRONG. Gosh, I've been on so many "wrong" dates, it's very discouraging to flashback to that insanity. In fact, I'm not really interested in dating at all... it's just that loneliness sometimes gets overwhelming and compels me to contemplate it again. I do feel emotionally hard-wired to be in a relationship, but at this age, I truly don't feel emotionally inclined to "date," especially with such an endless array of liars, manipulators, men with a "sex" agenda, and just generally confused men. I hope you younger folks find the right someone before you get this jaded.

 

(and yeah that is me in my avatar - see how bored I look, I have small-town blues)

Well, you don't look bored to me. I honestly think you look pensive, thoughtful, and very intriguing. And where in the world did you ever get the idea that you weren't attractive? Geez. There are probably LOTS of women stealing glances at you, swooning, trying to catch your eye, hoping you'd pick them. While hanging out on this board, I've truly been very amazed at how many handsome guys think they're not attractive. And I've also learned that when you're convinced that the girl couldn't possibly be interested in you, you actually give her the distinct impression that you're not interested in her.

[Batya33]

"For example... if you get into a lot of social situations where most of the people there you are meeting for the first time (such as a bar) then it is initial attraction that rules the day. You would be taking a risk entering into a relationship in the hope of it being a slow-burner when you didn't know the person beforehand because the chances of it turning out right would be even lower than with initial attraction."

 

I pretty much and respectfully disagree. I know of many relationships where on first meeting there was little if no attraction and the same was true for the first few dates, then "boom" something changed, the attraction was powerful and it lead to a happy/healthy marriage. On the flip side I know of plenty of examples with this magical initial attraction (including personal experiences) where, upon getting to know the person it was obviously "twinkie love' - my term for sweet but no substance.

[Carnatic]

Maybe it's just me then Batya... but I couldn't really comprehend the idea of dating someone who I neither knew nor felt a spark of attraction for.

 

Miss M, I can understand the fear of dating. If you have been in a previously successful and long relationship which bore fruit but was then lost, the the thought of going back to square one and having to date in order to begin a new relationship must seem daunting... ultimately though you will have to put yourself through it in order to find love. As many of us feel though, and maybe you felt this when you were first starting out... dating ain't so bad. Perhaps the problem is your extra emotional baggage... where you felt that having gotten to the stage of starting a family and then having to return to square one amidst some difficult times, that you may wonder why love is worth it and whether all the effort it will take you will be rewarded. Perhaps you have to start with a fresh slate and not have the shadow that you are going through all this not for he first time... this could be one for your therapist.

 

As for me... I do hear it a lot, that if I give girls the signal that I don't think they are interested in me then I am also giving them the signal that I'm not interested in them. It was one of the first and most common pieces of advice friends give me when I start to look down at my chances. I can't put a finger on why I get so self destructive though. Ruining my own chances in this why by convincig myself that I have nothing to offer. I almost feel like I want to be ugly, even if you or any girls I know say otherwise. Perhaps so I can have something to whinge about... so that I can be some kind of class warrior... battling the forces of superficiality or simply because I never see girls being attracted to me, but if I say I am good looking then that must mean it is my personality that is at fault. Difficult to answer that question to myself 'why do I insist on being useless with girls when I don't think it's an unavoidable part of me?'... it keeps me awake at night.

[Miss M]

Well, the "attraction factor" is definitely a significantly important part of the dating dynamic, and I also think dating is pretty useless without at least a small spark of it. I've felt both the instant attraction and also the slow burning kind. But I also wouldn't contemplate (or hope for) a slow-burning attraction from just a chance encounter that didn't pique my interest in some way. After all, there's an endless supply of random guys for whom I don't feel anything, and with whom I could go out for coffee, but that kind of thing doesn't interest me either.

 

Miss M, I can understand the fear of dating. If you have been in a previously successful and long relationship which bore fruit but was then lost, the thought of going back to square one and having to date in order to begin a new relationship must seem daunting...

Carnatic, when I look back I actually don't even see much in my past that I could call successful or even a long relationship. I first gave up dating about 15 years ago (I was 35) because prior to that it had been mostly a lot of clumsy and painful mishaps. I gave up because I was having lots of very serious emotional problems that needed therapy, and the emotional ups and downs of dating/relationships were just too exhausting. Then 5 years ago I unexpectedly got involved with a guy for a few months, and when that ended I've been alone since then. So yeah, no boyfriend/date for at least five years, and nothing for a very long time prior to that. I quit dating because I got tired of what felt like manipulation, and/or the perpetual "bait and switch," so I figured I needed to take time to figure out what I was misreading. And I've spent long stretches being very content to be unattached because it's more peaceful, and devoid of the tiresome drama, but then every once in a while something happens to remind me I'm still very interested after all.

 

As for me... I do hear it a lot, that if I give girls the signal that I don't think they are interested in me then I am also giving them the signal that I'm not interested in them.

Yeah, it was on this board that I figured that out too. There have always been guys who've intrigued me, but who won't look at me at all (seemingly). I always thought they just weren't interested, or that they were already involved with someone else. I never really thought much about it. But I've been very surprised to recently learn from this board that so many guys would turn away because they were so sure a girl would reject them. So I started trying to notice that more. And it still seems like they're saying "no, not you" or "no, I'm already taken" but there's no way to know, and I'm not typically the aggressive kind of woman who will pursue a guy who tells me "no" in such a clear way.

 

But a few weeks ago I noticed a guy who piqued my interest, and at the same time he seemed to be interested in me... (yeah, I still know that "look" LOL). We were in a crowd, but gradually walking towards each other, both of us trying to steal glances at the other without being obvious. I detected he seemed to also feel an unmistakable attraction for me, and I was ready to at least say "hello." But when we got close enough to speak, he turned completely away. I had definitely seen his keen interest me, but I was stumped about what to do about it when he turned so completely away. And it's guys like him that make me think I need to give some thought to becoming more aggressive, tapping into my "extroverted" and flirty aspects. And the other side of me wonders if it's even worth it to pursue a guy who self-rejects to that degree.

[Batya33]

I would never date someone I didn't feel attracted to. I would go on a date with someone for whom I didn't feel a huge attraction to from the get go (some potential for a spark would be sufficient) - I don't need that strong chemistry to just go on one date and before I was attached I would often be set up on blind dates and go on a date with a complete stranger. I would not go on more than a few dates with someone I didn't feel a true attraction for but I would continue on even if the attraction wasn't head over heels.